i'm making a million phone calls. to hospitals, clinics, offices. i'm taking my dad to the hospital. ryan's taking me. i try to take him. we now both have "named-after-the-man-who-found-it" diseases. what does that mean?
well, it means laughing first of all. because who does that?? seriously.
it means not using them as excuses. no more blaming laziness on symptoms (that's me, not him).
it means lots of medicine. daily pills every morning and evening for both of us.
who needs to grow old together when you can fill eachothers' weekly pill containers now?
it means insurance. which is impossible in this country right now.
it means jobs that will provide insurance... most likely not theatre. or gas stations. or low income jobs that keep our pride in place with the starving world around us.
it means even harder times to pay off mountains of debt. while more debt is piled on top with uninsured medical expenses.
it means good days and bad days, and telling the difference.
it means sick days and sad days, and getting through them together.
it means understanding eachother when no one else can.
it means knowing what the other needs and when, and how they need it.
it means knowing when to be still.
it means crying. and holding.
it means bringing us together more strongly than we would have ever imagined.
it means being together.
and love. it means love.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
I'm so sick of hospitals
To all of my friends who have been involved with my crazy life over the last month:
First of all-- thank you so much for supporting me through this time. I've always been on the other end of tragedy, so you all have been SUCH an amazing blessing to me in this time of receiving support. Also, anyone who had a hand helping me get to Pittsburgh last week, my mom sends love and more gratitude than she could ever express-- her and I could not have gotten through those days without eachother.
The most recent update is that the biopsy from the tissue removed during my dad's colon cancer surgery came back as whatever the type of cancer is that has not and will never spread (Type I maybe?). So he is now cancer free and with an almost guaranteed chance of it never returning. He got through last week with such a peace that he, even a sometimes cynic, attributed to the thoughts and prayers of all of our loved ones. Thank you. He should be out of the hospital within the next week.
The most recent update on my own situation is this: on Monday I was almost definitely diagnosed with Graves Disease. As many of you know, I've been struggling with heart and breathing problems, among other symptoms, and they all match perfectly with this rare disease that is not as serious as it sounds. Graves causes Hyperthyroidism, which in this case begins by the white blood cells thinking the thyroid gland is foreign, and attacking it. To defend itself, the thyroid creates a hormone that makes it work extra hard to stay intact. This then causes everything else to overwork-- my heart , my lungs, my muscles, my eyes... so this one disorder has caused pretty much any health problem I've ever had. The treatment that has been recommended to me is a Radioactive Iodine Treatment that will be an out-patient procedure and should put the problem into remission and keep me on pills for the rest of my life. And after this procedure, I'll talk slower!!!
This may have been more information than you wanted, but many of you have been asking. Your thoughts and prayers are SO helpful as we try to figure out insurance, healing, and the future. You all mean a great deal to me, and I've learned this week that I can't survive without my friends. Thank you.
First of all-- thank you so much for supporting me through this time. I've always been on the other end of tragedy, so you all have been SUCH an amazing blessing to me in this time of receiving support. Also, anyone who had a hand helping me get to Pittsburgh last week, my mom sends love and more gratitude than she could ever express-- her and I could not have gotten through those days without eachother.
The most recent update is that the biopsy from the tissue removed during my dad's colon cancer surgery came back as whatever the type of cancer is that has not and will never spread (Type I maybe?). So he is now cancer free and with an almost guaranteed chance of it never returning. He got through last week with such a peace that he, even a sometimes cynic, attributed to the thoughts and prayers of all of our loved ones. Thank you. He should be out of the hospital within the next week.
The most recent update on my own situation is this: on Monday I was almost definitely diagnosed with Graves Disease. As many of you know, I've been struggling with heart and breathing problems, among other symptoms, and they all match perfectly with this rare disease that is not as serious as it sounds. Graves causes Hyperthyroidism, which in this case begins by the white blood cells thinking the thyroid gland is foreign, and attacking it. To defend itself, the thyroid creates a hormone that makes it work extra hard to stay intact. This then causes everything else to overwork-- my heart , my lungs, my muscles, my eyes... so this one disorder has caused pretty much any health problem I've ever had. The treatment that has been recommended to me is a Radioactive Iodine Treatment that will be an out-patient procedure and should put the problem into remission and keep me on pills for the rest of my life. And after this procedure, I'll talk slower!!!
This may have been more information than you wanted, but many of you have been asking. Your thoughts and prayers are SO helpful as we try to figure out insurance, healing, and the future. You all mean a great deal to me, and I've learned this week that I can't survive without my friends. Thank you.
Monday, October 13, 2008
better than i could say it
"to make faith something to do, to live, and to not praise yourself for having."
yeah, that's why i fell in love with him 4 years ago.
yeah, that's why i fell in love with him 4 years ago.
Monday, October 6, 2008
FaMiLY
i was a weird little kid.
i'm sure you can't imagine.
the things that occupied my mind should not have kept me up at night.
i spent the day with a family today. not mine, but a family nonetheless. cake, ice cream, hugs, dirty jokes, awkward moments, too much food, and great wisdom. it was so good to my heart.
i'm sure you can't imagine.
the things that occupied my mind should not have kept me up at night.
i spent the day with a family today. not mine, but a family nonetheless. cake, ice cream, hugs, dirty jokes, awkward moments, too much food, and great wisdom. it was so good to my heart.
kNOWiNG
just for the record- i love my boyfriend.
it's interesting how the more experiences you have, the more embittered you can get toward other people who haven't had any such experiences. especially when the experiences are the hardest things you've ever had to survive. and it's even worse when these people try to help you through it or say anything in regards to it other than agreeing that they've never been through anything like it.
and yet how is it at all okay to get bitter toward all of them...
they just don't know.
and often, i'm the one that doesn't know.
and sometimes i feel like i'm 50 years old, and i'll be 700 before i die.
it's interesting how the more experiences you have, the more embittered you can get toward other people who haven't had any such experiences. especially when the experiences are the hardest things you've ever had to survive. and it's even worse when these people try to help you through it or say anything in regards to it other than agreeing that they've never been through anything like it.
and yet how is it at all okay to get bitter toward all of them...
they just don't know.
and often, i'm the one that doesn't know.
and sometimes i feel like i'm 50 years old, and i'll be 700 before i die.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
the last two weeks.
im in the library. because i dont have internet at my house yet. im starting to relaize i dont mind very much. it keeps me focused on other things an people and off of facebook and email unless i walk to campus and schedule out the time. i think that's good for me.
im waiting for ryan to get off work. we both have second-shift-ish lives now so our hang out time usually starts at 11 pm. he works at 3 and i start class at 11 so we can stay up late and sleep in. but im almost always EXHAUSTED by the time we hang out so i fall asleep on couches, futons, etc. and leave him with a boring sleeping girlfriend to stare at for a while...
i auditioned for an opera class today, that may lead to being IN an opera. first one. 6 more hours of classes a week, and two more months of rehearsal, but it's my last year of educational theatre so im trying to milk it.
the postmodern class im taking is turning out to be really interesting. at first i thought it was going to be way too happy-christian for me, but the first day of discussion we brought up both sides of whether or not god really is behind every good thing that happens to us, as if he's just sitting up there waiting to give the white middleclass good family background christians more good things to feel "blessed" about. We do a lot of writing and there's little structure other than "write what you think," so i'm enjoying writing out many of my thoughts that i haven't put into words, and having a professor respect them and count them as valid next to everyone else's. i took a plunge and wrote about a very tough experience from a few years ago that i haven't even been able to address on this site, and found that it was really good for my healing process to share it in a more public environment than one-on-one with close friends. this class i think will be good for me.
and shakespeare has been my life recently. we're doing much ado about nothing in november, and ive been reviewing and memorizing monlogues and learning as much as i can about shakespeare in all the "free" time i have between 19 hours of classes, 15-20 hours of work, and 5-10 hours of homework a week.
i really love living with my roommates, but i can't really afford where im living. that could be a problem.
im waiting for ryan to get off work. we both have second-shift-ish lives now so our hang out time usually starts at 11 pm. he works at 3 and i start class at 11 so we can stay up late and sleep in. but im almost always EXHAUSTED by the time we hang out so i fall asleep on couches, futons, etc. and leave him with a boring sleeping girlfriend to stare at for a while...
i auditioned for an opera class today, that may lead to being IN an opera. first one. 6 more hours of classes a week, and two more months of rehearsal, but it's my last year of educational theatre so im trying to milk it.
the postmodern class im taking is turning out to be really interesting. at first i thought it was going to be way too happy-christian for me, but the first day of discussion we brought up both sides of whether or not god really is behind every good thing that happens to us, as if he's just sitting up there waiting to give the white middleclass good family background christians more good things to feel "blessed" about. We do a lot of writing and there's little structure other than "write what you think," so i'm enjoying writing out many of my thoughts that i haven't put into words, and having a professor respect them and count them as valid next to everyone else's. i took a plunge and wrote about a very tough experience from a few years ago that i haven't even been able to address on this site, and found that it was really good for my healing process to share it in a more public environment than one-on-one with close friends. this class i think will be good for me.
and shakespeare has been my life recently. we're doing much ado about nothing in november, and ive been reviewing and memorizing monlogues and learning as much as i can about shakespeare in all the "free" time i have between 19 hours of classes, 15-20 hours of work, and 5-10 hours of homework a week.
i really love living with my roommates, but i can't really afford where im living. that could be a problem.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
and who's to really say.
oooh, this is my 100th post. ever. haha. i've never been a huge blog person, but i've found it really is a nice way to keep up with people and get behind their bullshit to see what's really going on.
on that note, i'm okay. i've gone on two rants in the last week about religion-ish stuff actually. it started out by apologizing to ryan that im not any sort of a spiritual encouragement in our relationship, that i wish i was because i think that often leads to healthy relationships, but that i just can't be right now because i don't know what i think well enough to say anything solid to others. it's like a person with a fever trying to explain getting better to someone with... some other disease. we're both wondering and considering, but if it weren't for the closeness i have with one other person, i'm not sure i would care as much. it's not that im struggling with whether or not to be a horrible person and give up everything, i'm just struggling to find how much i care when life seems to be pretty okay how i'm doing things now.
ok, that's cryptic. basically, when i was "really strong in my faith" and "lived life the right way," i was even more judgmental than normal, and really had this superiority complex that other people could see. i didn't have any friends outside my youth group in high school because everybody really thought i was "perfect" and couldn't understand their lives or what they were going through, and i made them feel that way. but now that i've loosened up and just started living and taking things as they come and tried to care about making people feel comfortable and cared about rather than focusing on everything they're doing "wrong"... i can live. i can enjoy life and not feel guilty all the time or judging all the time, i can relate to people and admit shitty stuff that happens and that i do and that i hate and that i love.
i can enjoy things and people instead of judging them. that's it in a nutshell.
...and i don't know what to do with churches because most of them take pride in being exactly how i used to be. whether they admit it or not. and i know because i was part of it for a long time.
so i've just kept my distance...
ok, make that three rants...
on that note, i'm okay. i've gone on two rants in the last week about religion-ish stuff actually. it started out by apologizing to ryan that im not any sort of a spiritual encouragement in our relationship, that i wish i was because i think that often leads to healthy relationships, but that i just can't be right now because i don't know what i think well enough to say anything solid to others. it's like a person with a fever trying to explain getting better to someone with... some other disease. we're both wondering and considering, but if it weren't for the closeness i have with one other person, i'm not sure i would care as much. it's not that im struggling with whether or not to be a horrible person and give up everything, i'm just struggling to find how much i care when life seems to be pretty okay how i'm doing things now.
ok, that's cryptic. basically, when i was "really strong in my faith" and "lived life the right way," i was even more judgmental than normal, and really had this superiority complex that other people could see. i didn't have any friends outside my youth group in high school because everybody really thought i was "perfect" and couldn't understand their lives or what they were going through, and i made them feel that way. but now that i've loosened up and just started living and taking things as they come and tried to care about making people feel comfortable and cared about rather than focusing on everything they're doing "wrong"... i can live. i can enjoy life and not feel guilty all the time or judging all the time, i can relate to people and admit shitty stuff that happens and that i do and that i hate and that i love.
i can enjoy things and people instead of judging them. that's it in a nutshell.
...and i don't know what to do with churches because most of them take pride in being exactly how i used to be. whether they admit it or not. and i know because i was part of it for a long time.
so i've just kept my distance...
ok, make that three rants...
Friday, August 15, 2008
clean clothes and a dirty car
i have to find a way to get home. my car's inspection has expired in pennsylvania, which means if i drive it there and get caught i could get fined lots o' money (and the paternal parental says it's too rusted on the bottom to ever pass again). so i have to register it in indiana where they have no inspections and you can drive a car until it falls to pieces in the middle of the road.
awesome.
that takes time and money, apparently more than i have right now (mainly time, ironically enough) so this will turn into another "leah-screws-everything-up-by-procrastinating-and-scrounges-around-for-some-half-assed-way-to-save-the-day" fiasco.
i seem to be good at that.
today i washed my hair, dried it, shaved, wore makeup and wore clean clothes. the vampire-ness is finally all out of my system-- it took me a week and a half. i really wanted to keep those fangs, though.
awesome.
that takes time and money, apparently more than i have right now (mainly time, ironically enough) so this will turn into another "leah-screws-everything-up-by-procrastinating-and-scrounges-around-for-some-half-assed-way-to-save-the-day" fiasco.
i seem to be good at that.
today i washed my hair, dried it, shaved, wore makeup and wore clean clothes. the vampire-ness is finally all out of my system-- it took me a week and a half. i really wanted to keep those fangs, though.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
i've found my mecca!
i'm makeupless, dirty, and slightly sunburned-- the way summer is supposed to be. me, ryan, sarah and eli went camping and to holiday world from monday night to this morning, and it made me feel like a kid and a grownup at the same time. we planned (ok sarah planned), paid for and executed the entire trip on our own, brought and cooked food, did all the things that camping is good for-- but im used to going with older people who do all of that and i just show up and eat the food : ). lame, i know. i planned the whole spring break trip ryan and i took in march, but that was much simpler. so it was a nice experience to have a vacation with just my friends, and one that wasn't a bunch of young people goofing off, but two couples camping and amusement park-ing together.
HOWEVER
holiday world has an amusement park and a water park all in one. i havent been to an amusement park in years. so we're riding water slides at the water park, and we see this huge jungle gym thing for kids that has multiple water slides, fountains, spouts of water to aim at eachother all over the place, nets to crawl across, tubes to crawl through, and one of those car sized buckets at the top that fills with water and dumps it all every five minutes or so. SO much fun. i wanted to go play on it, and i saw adults in it with their kids, but everybody i was with said you had to be with your child. i was completely ready to make friends with a kid and ask if i could play on it with them. or just grab one and run to the biggest slide. but they wouldn't let me.
an hour, a water slide and a wave pool later, we head up to see the new attraction, and it's a grown-up sized water jungle gym!!!! when you're on it, there's water falling on you from every direction. little buckets are stationed everywhere that can tip on you at anytime, or can be tipped onto innocent bystanders. tubes and pipes carry water all over the place to cover every inch pf the bridges, stairs, and floors. we played there for at least another hour. it was finally a place where we could play and laugh no matter what age we were, and it was completely expected and okay! everyone turned into a bigger version of me for an hour, and i wasn't the weird energetic or annoying one or the one who laughs really loud and high-pitched and squeaks when she gets happy-- eli was jumping over all the sprinklers/fountains and sarah was riding the water slides and ryan was squirting all the little kids and holding me in front of the spraying water... it was the best time i've had in a LONG time. it even beat having a fake snowball fight with the cast of Almost, Maine in the 80 degree morning at shawnee. i would go back just for that place. it is very near and dear to my heart. we had the best pizza of our lives, rode more rides, then went back to the campsite to be grownups again.
i tried on my friend's wedding dress today. am i allowed to say that? it fit almost perfectly...
HOWEVER
holiday world has an amusement park and a water park all in one. i havent been to an amusement park in years. so we're riding water slides at the water park, and we see this huge jungle gym thing for kids that has multiple water slides, fountains, spouts of water to aim at eachother all over the place, nets to crawl across, tubes to crawl through, and one of those car sized buckets at the top that fills with water and dumps it all every five minutes or so. SO much fun. i wanted to go play on it, and i saw adults in it with their kids, but everybody i was with said you had to be with your child. i was completely ready to make friends with a kid and ask if i could play on it with them. or just grab one and run to the biggest slide. but they wouldn't let me.
an hour, a water slide and a wave pool later, we head up to see the new attraction, and it's a grown-up sized water jungle gym!!!! when you're on it, there's water falling on you from every direction. little buckets are stationed everywhere that can tip on you at anytime, or can be tipped onto innocent bystanders. tubes and pipes carry water all over the place to cover every inch pf the bridges, stairs, and floors. we played there for at least another hour. it was finally a place where we could play and laugh no matter what age we were, and it was completely expected and okay! everyone turned into a bigger version of me for an hour, and i wasn't the weird energetic or annoying one or the one who laughs really loud and high-pitched and squeaks when she gets happy-- eli was jumping over all the sprinklers/fountains and sarah was riding the water slides and ryan was squirting all the little kids and holding me in front of the spraying water... it was the best time i've had in a LONG time. it even beat having a fake snowball fight with the cast of Almost, Maine in the 80 degree morning at shawnee. i would go back just for that place. it is very near and dear to my heart. we had the best pizza of our lives, rode more rides, then went back to the campsite to be grownups again.
i tried on my friend's wedding dress today. am i allowed to say that? it fit almost perfectly...
Sunday, August 10, 2008
self help 101 for extroverted control freaks
so here's the thing-- i can't tell when anonymous comments are from ryan or not... because he only leaves his name if he's sad, and i think he wants me to think that more people read this than actually do. i'll imagine all the people that the anonymous comments could be from, and laugh to myself regardless.
so... my amazing life. it's pretty fun, but i think that's just because i make it fun. when you let yourself be excited about all the little things that possibly could be exciting... life is a lot more fun.
like ice cream. i've eaten 1/4 gallon of ice cream in the last 36 hours. and every time i think about eating it, i get excited. food in general does that for me. that means at least 3 really exciting things to look forward to every single day.
like picking clothes to wear. when reaching into a box of clothes and accepting the challenge of making whatever is in your hands work together as an outfit for the day... exciting.
i teased and hair-sprayed my hair every night for dracula and now i have three or four messy dreadlocks... leave them for a while, wear a hat for dreads, take them out before the next show im in...exciting.
i learned after being depressed and selfish in high school that life really is what you make of it. even if you don't have the best opportunities in the world... you 're gonna be alive for a WHILE, so make it fun. because nobody else is going to do make it fun for you. maybe every once in a while, but the majority of the responsibility falls on you.
and it's fun to be around other people like that too-- me and hawaii boy had lots of fun this summer at shawnee just because we could enjoy the day and look forward to the next one. and i was a stage manager. there is nothing fun about that every day. and yes, all this takes some practice, but it's like learning to read, the more you do it, the more options you have. ...ok bad metaphor, but go find whatever your ice cream is, and love every minute of it.
...the end.
so... my amazing life. it's pretty fun, but i think that's just because i make it fun. when you let yourself be excited about all the little things that possibly could be exciting... life is a lot more fun.
like ice cream. i've eaten 1/4 gallon of ice cream in the last 36 hours. and every time i think about eating it, i get excited. food in general does that for me. that means at least 3 really exciting things to look forward to every single day.
like picking clothes to wear. when reaching into a box of clothes and accepting the challenge of making whatever is in your hands work together as an outfit for the day... exciting.
i teased and hair-sprayed my hair every night for dracula and now i have three or four messy dreadlocks... leave them for a while, wear a hat for dreads, take them out before the next show im in...exciting.
i learned after being depressed and selfish in high school that life really is what you make of it. even if you don't have the best opportunities in the world... you 're gonna be alive for a WHILE, so make it fun. because nobody else is going to do make it fun for you. maybe every once in a while, but the majority of the responsibility falls on you.
and it's fun to be around other people like that too-- me and hawaii boy had lots of fun this summer at shawnee just because we could enjoy the day and look forward to the next one. and i was a stage manager. there is nothing fun about that every day. and yes, all this takes some practice, but it's like learning to read, the more you do it, the more options you have. ...ok bad metaphor, but go find whatever your ice cream is, and love every minute of it.
...the end.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
life again
another ridiculous unpredictable summer. it's not quite over yet, but today is the day that i will begin the culture shock transition back into real life.
in so many ways.
im in dracula this week. it's been such a great experience. it's still hard to sit and watch acting instead of doing much of it, but apparently the three of us "brides of dracula" scare the shit out of the audience every night even if we do only have six lines ; )
and it's a very professional show. that's the response we're getting the most. 300 people in the audience last night (quote unquote sold out) and biggest house of the summer. and the matinee today has great ticket numbers as well. great show to end on. now i have to start considering whether or not i would be interested in coming back next summer if i have the opportunity to. isn't that what this whole sumer was for? i think so...
in so many ways.
im in dracula this week. it's been such a great experience. it's still hard to sit and watch acting instead of doing much of it, but apparently the three of us "brides of dracula" scare the shit out of the audience every night even if we do only have six lines ; )
and it's a very professional show. that's the response we're getting the most. 300 people in the audience last night (quote unquote sold out) and biggest house of the summer. and the matinee today has great ticket numbers as well. great show to end on. now i have to start considering whether or not i would be interested in coming back next summer if i have the opportunity to. isn't that what this whole sumer was for? i think so...
Sunday, July 20, 2008
try again?
i have been in the sound booth every single tuesday-sunday night since i got to shawnee. except for the two nights i got to understudy in godspell my first weekend.
it's dark in there.
i get to be on stage in dracula.
that will be nice. and bright.
nope, still dark. but a different kind of dark...
dun dun dun
it's dark in there.
i get to be on stage in dracula.
that will be nice. and bright.
nope, still dark. but a different kind of dark...
dun dun dun
Friday, July 18, 2008
dark
i have been in the sound booth every single tuesday-sunday night since i got to shawnee. except for the two nights i got to understudy in godspell my first weekend.
it's dark in there.
i get to be on stage in dracula.
that will be nice. and bright.
nope, still dark. but a different kind of dark...
dun dun dun
it's dark in there.
i get to be on stage in dracula.
that will be nice. and bright.
nope, still dark. but a different kind of dark...
dun dun dun
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
this summer?
and this is where it starts to hurt. gets tough. we knew it would. the gazing and awe and perfection could only last so long.
and he's blaming himself. and he shouldn't.
i'm in a place i don't understand being a person i don't know. he didn't sign up to be with that one.
i'll be back to myself when i'm back to my life. this one i'm living isn't real.
i can't explain it here, to him, to her, only in the one place that is tied in string and secured from the rest of the world. and even that is severely lacking. and incoherent. but those are my attempts. and somehow i don't know how to feel sorry.
this all sounds so cryptic. but it's all i have to say.
and he's blaming himself. and he shouldn't.
i'm in a place i don't understand being a person i don't know. he didn't sign up to be with that one.
i'll be back to myself when i'm back to my life. this one i'm living isn't real.
i can't explain it here, to him, to her, only in the one place that is tied in string and secured from the rest of the world. and even that is severely lacking. and incoherent. but those are my attempts. and somehow i don't know how to feel sorry.
this all sounds so cryptic. but it's all i have to say.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
forward
when i decide, realize, or want something to happen... i make it happen.
that simple.
i don't know if that's good or bad.
it's progressive.
but im afraid i bulldoze over things sometime.
like people.
and then when something doesn't happen, i wonder if i really wanted it.
that simple.
i don't know if that's good or bad.
it's progressive.
but im afraid i bulldoze over things sometime.
like people.
and then when something doesn't happen, i wonder if i really wanted it.
Friday, June 27, 2008
we all live in the shawnee submarine
really tired.
opened a show tonight. (stage managing)
it went really well. the audience loved it. i was very proud of everyone who helped make it happen.
boring phone conversation with the boyfriend. im absolutely crazy about him. im sick of long distances.
no days off on the horizon?
getting paid tomorrow and sending all of it to pay my overdue speeding ticket?
loving the people here but missing family and the folks back in anderson a LOT.
more weddings and babies coming soon.
got a buzz from smoking a cigarette and sang along to lisa's songs around the fire.
it's summertime at summerstock.
opened a show tonight. (stage managing)
it went really well. the audience loved it. i was very proud of everyone who helped make it happen.
boring phone conversation with the boyfriend. im absolutely crazy about him. im sick of long distances.
no days off on the horizon?
getting paid tomorrow and sending all of it to pay my overdue speeding ticket?
loving the people here but missing family and the folks back in anderson a LOT.
more weddings and babies coming soon.
got a buzz from smoking a cigarette and sang along to lisa's songs around the fire.
it's summertime at summerstock.
Monday, June 23, 2008
weddings and roadtrips
so i went to the wedding. i was a basketcase every time i imagined not being there, and knowing that i'd be missing it for a few backstage jobs for one day that could be covered by some of the amazing peopleim working with, i decided to cover all my bases and hope for the best. i got the final ok on friday night around 11:45 pm, borrowed a dress, packed a bag, tried unsuccessfully to sleep, and left at 5 am that morning. i drove straight to meadville, stopped at perkins to freshen up in the bathroom from the 9 hour drive, called ryan to see where he was (he had no idea that i was on my way to the wedding) and showed up at the church just as they were all getting dressed. he looked at me and waved then turned away, then looked back and just stared, then shook his head and smiled. i have a way of making ridiculous things happen, like getting 500 miles to a wedding without my car or any plan. a paycheck's worth of gas, a car lent by a true friend, and a bag of pretzels later, i was there. i got to meet most of ryan's family, hear his hilarious and sweet best man's toast, dance the night away with him, hang out with his cousins who i've known for years, and drive back to indiana the next morning with him (in two separate cars). im exhausted, i hate roadtrips for at least a month, and i dont want to eat a pretzel ever again, but it was so worth it.
the show im stage managing starts tech this week. that means goes into dress rehearsals and all the stuff that the stage manager is in charge of. im excited for that.
one of my roommates got engaged this weekend. we saw it coming, but it's nice to know it's finally here and i cant wait to experience the next year with her.
tomorrow's my day off. im going to sleep in.
the show im stage managing starts tech this week. that means goes into dress rehearsals and all the stuff that the stage manager is in charge of. im excited for that.
one of my roommates got engaged this weekend. we saw it coming, but it's nice to know it's finally here and i cant wait to experience the next year with her.
tomorrow's my day off. im going to sleep in.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
a few thoughts and a sigh
im missing the wedding of two of my close friends (and maybe family) this weekend. for theatre.
im missing the extended family beach trip. for the second year in a row. for theatre.
im spending a summer away from the boy it took me five years to get a hold of. for theatre.
im going to bed late and getting up early and watching other people get to act. for theatre.
i love this art.
im just having a discouraged phase.
it may be a long summer. for theatre.
im missing the extended family beach trip. for the second year in a row. for theatre.
im spending a summer away from the boy it took me five years to get a hold of. for theatre.
im going to bed late and getting up early and watching other people get to act. for theatre.
i love this art.
im just having a discouraged phase.
it may be a long summer. for theatre.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
driving is a gas... literally
i got to perform in the musical this weekend. it was amazing. i actually felt like i was doing summerstock for the sake of acting. but now it's over. and i'm back to stage managing. and that makes me very sad.
ryan was here. it was weird and messed with my whole perception of reality but it also kept me sane and reminded me that i am a person with thoughts and feelings and relationships outside of a two building field in bloomfield indiana. we spent my day off yesterday in bloomington (ps-- total hippie town! nobody even looked twice at his dreads or my pink hair- still leftover from the musical) and we walked around outside and ate yummy food ALL DAY and it was the best day i've had in a LONG time. but this morning he left for anderson, then PA, and i won't see him for at least 2 weeks, probably more like 3 or 4. and that makes me very sad.
i haven't paid my speeding ticket, and i just used all my money to get me here, ryan here and back, and both of us to PA a few times. gas is a bitch. i don't spend money on anything else. like, literally. i eat the community food in the housing kitchen (ive been eating hors d'eouvres and taco ingredients for seven days) and don't buy or do anything... just drive all over creation in my little honda civic hatchback with only one working door.
and i have a feeling that not a whole lot is going to change anytime soon.
two of my friends are getting married this weekend. to eachother. i love them and wish i could be there more than anything. they started dating 4 years ago in my backyard. i know, cute.
ryan was here. it was weird and messed with my whole perception of reality but it also kept me sane and reminded me that i am a person with thoughts and feelings and relationships outside of a two building field in bloomfield indiana. we spent my day off yesterday in bloomington (ps-- total hippie town! nobody even looked twice at his dreads or my pink hair- still leftover from the musical) and we walked around outside and ate yummy food ALL DAY and it was the best day i've had in a LONG time. but this morning he left for anderson, then PA, and i won't see him for at least 2 weeks, probably more like 3 or 4. and that makes me very sad.
i haven't paid my speeding ticket, and i just used all my money to get me here, ryan here and back, and both of us to PA a few times. gas is a bitch. i don't spend money on anything else. like, literally. i eat the community food in the housing kitchen (ive been eating hors d'eouvres and taco ingredients for seven days) and don't buy or do anything... just drive all over creation in my little honda civic hatchback with only one working door.
and i have a feeling that not a whole lot is going to change anytime soon.
two of my friends are getting married this weekend. to eachother. i love them and wish i could be there more than anything. they started dating 4 years ago in my backyard. i know, cute.
Friday, June 13, 2008
summerstock
greetings from bloomfield indiana everyone.
my calendar tells me ive been here since Monday evening but my head and heart feel like ive been here for weeks. it's nuts here, guys. like, you don't even know. Sunday, the theatre flooded and the whole company (30ish) moved out of the dorms and into a mansion owned by one of the theatre's board members for a few days. indoor tennis courts, indoor pool, 7 bedrooms, 3 living rooms, HUGE basement, so that's the scene i arrived to on Monday. Tuesday morning we started rehearsing for the play i'm stage managing and i started to get really discouraged about seeing everyone else act and knowing i'd be behind the scenes all summer. by Tuesday afternoon, one of the ensemble members in godspell (the show that opens this week) was diagnosed with tonsilitis and they sat me down and offered me an understudy role (for those of you not in theatre, that means i learn all of her lines, songs, choreography, etc. in case she can't perform).
i jumped into the runthru Tuesday night with only a script and a few blocking notes and apparently impressed the hell out of everyone by jumping around and singing all her parts perfectly and making all of her goofy characters huge and my own style... basically the director (who's the producer for the whole company) said afterward that i am "fucking fearless!" it was a very exciting night. i spent the next day in one on one choreo and music rehearsals in the mansion, then Wednesday moved into housing (an L shaped dorm building with 2 bathrooms, a communal kitchen, etc.) where i share a room with an au friend, and showed up at the theatre Thursday night to do a full costume, makeup, and tech dress rehearsal as this new part (still not knowing for sure if i'd be needed to perform for an audience yet). it was my second time through the show and didn't use my script and only missed one moment of acting (ps-- let me explain this show-- it is a judas character, a jesus character, and 8 ensemble members who are on stage from the opening number to the closing song. jesus teaches and we all play different parts of parables and sing solo songs and dance to everything and move the whole set by ourselves-- it's CONSTANT. and our version is set in a circus and i play a clown and i have the most amazing costumes and face paint ever!).
after that rehearsal, the director pulled me aside and said that even the girl i'm standing in for feels better, he's going to let me perform at least once this weekend because i've "earned it." she's still not feeling well so i'm stepping in for Sat and Sun, and she'll take all of next week. whew. AND all this time ive been stage managing in the mornings and some afternoons. i stop to eat. i've barely talked to ryan, i forget that another world even exists, this place is every minute, every day, theatre and switching from show to show and living with all theatre people...
but at least now i get to perform once (other than a baby eating vampire in dracula). and i've shown everyone that i'm an actor/singer not really a stage manager. that means a lot to me. so now i'm trying to organize getting ryan down here for a show this weekend (if anyone else is interested in driving 2 and 1/2 hours, the show is VERY high quality and lisa and i are in it the whole time. (saturday evening and Sunday matinee). so yeah-- theatre is my life right now. it's a good trial. see if i like it THIS much. see if ryan and i can survive through it. see if i keep my sanity. this has been four days... im here until August. here we go.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
breakfast and faith
i have nothing to do.
it's amazing.
i woke up at 8:30 am with eli and sarah and ate mocha cookies we made last night and now we're making breakfast and they don't have to work until thursday and i only have class from 1 to 3... this week is GLORIOUS. and ryan is not here. that is a travesty. and i hear a train.
i dreamed last night that someone was trying to make me overcome my fear of thunderstorms by putting me in the middle of them. then i woke up to a thunderstorm. i remembered that the windows in my car were open. and knew that i was way too afraid to get up and go outside and close them. so now my car is very wet. more so than it already was. damn.
i've realized that if i do things out of a sense of guilt, they won't mean much to me. like getting a hold on the limping cripple of a "faith" i have right now. if i try to "fix" it all and get back in touch because i have time to think and 'i should have done it all along,' i know that i'll just make myself feel horrible for it and then get right back to where i am now as soon as i get busy again. i guess i'm waiting for something to happen genuinely. but that's an excuse. so maybe i just need to try a different way. not just reading verses and apologizing and feeling guilty and crying and having one more thing to beat myself up over... but start where i am and build from here instead of knocking myself back down to start from the bottom. the knocking down thing seems to work for some people. and it used to work for me. but i think i'm too "already" self-destructive for that. so here's to a slow process of liking being a "christian" again, or what i can make of it and still stand myself. or to start with what i have and know that i'm okay, and go from there. yeah. that could work.
it's amazing.
i woke up at 8:30 am with eli and sarah and ate mocha cookies we made last night and now we're making breakfast and they don't have to work until thursday and i only have class from 1 to 3... this week is GLORIOUS. and ryan is not here. that is a travesty. and i hear a train.
i dreamed last night that someone was trying to make me overcome my fear of thunderstorms by putting me in the middle of them. then i woke up to a thunderstorm. i remembered that the windows in my car were open. and knew that i was way too afraid to get up and go outside and close them. so now my car is very wet. more so than it already was. damn.
i've realized that if i do things out of a sense of guilt, they won't mean much to me. like getting a hold on the limping cripple of a "faith" i have right now. if i try to "fix" it all and get back in touch because i have time to think and 'i should have done it all along,' i know that i'll just make myself feel horrible for it and then get right back to where i am now as soon as i get busy again. i guess i'm waiting for something to happen genuinely. but that's an excuse. so maybe i just need to try a different way. not just reading verses and apologizing and feeling guilty and crying and having one more thing to beat myself up over... but start where i am and build from here instead of knocking myself back down to start from the bottom. the knocking down thing seems to work for some people. and it used to work for me. but i think i'm too "already" self-destructive for that. so here's to a slow process of liking being a "christian" again, or what i can make of it and still stand myself. or to start with what i have and know that i'm okay, and go from there. yeah. that could work.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
time alone with...me?
first of all, i have a weiner dog laying next to me.
in case anyone was wondering.
i don't know the word to describe how i'm trying to explain myself at times like this.
words like loner, individualistic come to mind. but also selfish and self-centered. and anti-social.
i'll try to explain with more than just one word-
when i have time that is not taken up by school, a job, or significant friend(s) (in this case a boyfriend), i get a certain way, a way that i am at no other time but times like this. and it's very similar at all of these similar times. for example: the summer before i moved to college. the summer after my freshman year when i was stuck in meadville for the summer. the beginning of my job in indianapolis last summer before i got really busy with it. this week in between my crazy classes/ryan-time and the start of my theatre job next week.
it's these weird in-between-craziness slots of time. and i spend a lot of time outside. alone. i walk as much as possible (why waste gas if you're on no time schedule and don't mind a tan?). i carry around something to read and something else to write on. my clothes match even less than during the rest of the year (nobody i know to see or care). i have almost no schedule and no one to impress and no one to keep track of or to keep track of me. and all of these strange structure-less times are documented in notepads and sketches and song lyrics-- records of those few times in my life when i have stopped and thought about what i think and what i like and what i care about when there's no mental to-do list to beat myself senseless with. and there's usually very few people around to witness it... but that's part of the means to the end. if there were people around, i wouldn't experience it.
i marvel at all of this because today after ryan left i finally convinced myself to do something-- so i walked about a mile to the park and sat in the sun by myself for 2 hours writing and reading and stumbling upon past memorabilia of similar times like this when i actually considered my thoughts and feelings for longer than two seconds. it reminded me of a lot of the passions that i used to have. and thoughts that i've formulated into words and then discarded in the bustle of the rest of the year. i thought about posting some of it on here, but the beauty of these pieces of the past is that only in times like this can i be honest with myself and admit them, so sharing them would put the censor back on any future expression. and they only seem to make sense with me when i'm back in this in-between state anyway.
so i'll keep them to myself. but if what you're like when no one is around and you don't have a strict schedule to follow is the real you, then i think i'm actually an introvert. go figure. and much more cynical than during the rest of my life. or maybe just realistic.
interesting.
in case anyone was wondering.
i don't know the word to describe how i'm trying to explain myself at times like this.
words like loner, individualistic come to mind. but also selfish and self-centered. and anti-social.
i'll try to explain with more than just one word-
when i have time that is not taken up by school, a job, or significant friend(s) (in this case a boyfriend), i get a certain way, a way that i am at no other time but times like this. and it's very similar at all of these similar times. for example: the summer before i moved to college. the summer after my freshman year when i was stuck in meadville for the summer. the beginning of my job in indianapolis last summer before i got really busy with it. this week in between my crazy classes/ryan-time and the start of my theatre job next week.
it's these weird in-between-craziness slots of time. and i spend a lot of time outside. alone. i walk as much as possible (why waste gas if you're on no time schedule and don't mind a tan?). i carry around something to read and something else to write on. my clothes match even less than during the rest of the year (nobody i know to see or care). i have almost no schedule and no one to impress and no one to keep track of or to keep track of me. and all of these strange structure-less times are documented in notepads and sketches and song lyrics-- records of those few times in my life when i have stopped and thought about what i think and what i like and what i care about when there's no mental to-do list to beat myself senseless with. and there's usually very few people around to witness it... but that's part of the means to the end. if there were people around, i wouldn't experience it.
i marvel at all of this because today after ryan left i finally convinced myself to do something-- so i walked about a mile to the park and sat in the sun by myself for 2 hours writing and reading and stumbling upon past memorabilia of similar times like this when i actually considered my thoughts and feelings for longer than two seconds. it reminded me of a lot of the passions that i used to have. and thoughts that i've formulated into words and then discarded in the bustle of the rest of the year. i thought about posting some of it on here, but the beauty of these pieces of the past is that only in times like this can i be honest with myself and admit them, so sharing them would put the censor back on any future expression. and they only seem to make sense with me when i'm back in this in-between state anyway.
so i'll keep them to myself. but if what you're like when no one is around and you don't have a strict schedule to follow is the real you, then i think i'm actually an introvert. go figure. and much more cynical than during the rest of my life. or maybe just realistic.
interesting.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
may's end
i think ryan's the only one who reads my blog on a regular basis. and he wants me to write all the time. and talk about my life. but i talk about my life to him all the time. so i guess this is for him anyway. and the rest of you who may stumble upon this every once in a while.
my friends are getting married tomorrow. my other friends got married a few weeks ago. my other really good friends are getting married next month. i'm living with a married couple (who i LOVE by the way). i'm celebrating first year anniversaries with others. this is a fun time for me because i'm enjoying seeing people that i care about care about eachother. that makes me feel good about the world. i like enjoying life alongside them.
one of my two summer classes is over. i have no homework until monday night. ryan goes back to pa on sunday. i move to bloomington on the 9th.
i wouldn't mind moving into my house for next year soon. but not until august.
my friends are getting married tomorrow. my other friends got married a few weeks ago. my other really good friends are getting married next month. i'm living with a married couple (who i LOVE by the way). i'm celebrating first year anniversaries with others. this is a fun time for me because i'm enjoying seeing people that i care about care about eachother. that makes me feel good about the world. i like enjoying life alongside them.
one of my two summer classes is over. i have no homework until monday night. ryan goes back to pa on sunday. i move to bloomington on the 9th.
i wouldn't mind moving into my house for next year soon. but not until august.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
there's a moment you know...
every time i go home (back to pa) i feel more and more like a visitor. less and less like home. less and less a part of the tides of change that occur without me. im changing plenty, but it's a separate track from everyone that i keep seeing and leaving, seeing and leaving. and my parents living in a different city than where i grew up, though still wonderful, lends itself to the separated feeling. it's my new room, but i never sleep in it. the "guests" get it even when i'm there, and i'm up in the attic. everyone stops by to see us, throwing off their normal week to see the far-away ones who are in town. and it's flattering. it just makes everything feel fleeting. im not skilled enough at long distance communication to stay close and up to date with anyone in pa. im not skilled enough at no-distance communication to stay close to anyone in indiana. so with at least two physical homes at a time and an unfortunate talent at keeping people an arm's distance and a smile away, trips home are rejuvenating and nostalgic but simultaneously disheartening and alienating. explain that one.
as i was driving out of town this morning in the sunshine, wondering why i couldn't stop crying, i remembered that i didn't have to keep leaving. but i decided a long time ago that i would, and it was a brave and hard choice back then- that plenty of others never try. and every time i have to make the final round of hugs goodbye, it's a brave and hard choice that i somehow stick to. i could always stay and settle and make one place home. but i would always wonder and imagine what if. my parents did it before me. and they left. without the college and with more independence and even farther distances. and they turned out a-ok.
at least that's how it makes sense to me.
as i was driving out of town this morning in the sunshine, wondering why i couldn't stop crying, i remembered that i didn't have to keep leaving. but i decided a long time ago that i would, and it was a brave and hard choice back then- that plenty of others never try. and every time i have to make the final round of hugs goodbye, it's a brave and hard choice that i somehow stick to. i could always stay and settle and make one place home. but i would always wonder and imagine what if. my parents did it before me. and they left. without the college and with more independence and even farther distances. and they turned out a-ok.
at least that's how it makes sense to me.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
decoy
my brother used me as a decoy to start talking to some cool girls at a social institution last night. i guess that's how you have to play it when you're out with your little sister. the regular methods just don't quite cut it.
i liked talking to them too.
they were from california, boston, and pittsburgh, so we had plenty to talk about.
then a half-hippie half-computer guy invited me to "kick it" with him and his friends later if i wanted to.
i told him i had to go home to my grandma who is in town.
decoy grandma.
i smoked half a cigarette on the way home with my brother and felt it had been a well-accomplished night.
i liked talking to them too.
they were from california, boston, and pittsburgh, so we had plenty to talk about.
then a half-hippie half-computer guy invited me to "kick it" with him and his friends later if i wanted to.
i told him i had to go home to my grandma who is in town.
decoy grandma.
i smoked half a cigarette on the way home with my brother and felt it had been a well-accomplished night.
Friday, May 23, 2008
home for a weekend
ive been traveling back and forth between pittsburgh and indiana more than usual over the last six months. or maybe the time in between just goes faster now. i know i talk about this a lot, but i really love my home. maybe it's because i'm not used to really liking going home... meadville was fine but it always reminded me of so much negativity (mostly my own fault). pittsburgh has always been the place i would rather be-- i used to cry every time we left to go back to meadville. dramatic, i know. and i'm bored here sometimes too, but i don't mind. it's beautiful and my mum is beautiful and my family is beautiful. not perfect, but beautiful. even in the ways we argue-- it's ok now and we know that we'll stick it out. my extended family has always been huge, and i've been as close to my cousins as i was to my siblings... but lately, now that both my brothers and i are in different states, when we are all together it's a much closer time. more cohesion. we spend more time together than splitting up to see different cousins. i'm starting to get a sense of why many grown-up siblings stay close, but it's a different dynamic with just the three of us than watching my mum and her seven siblings staying close. that's more like a tribe haha.
apologies for spouting about home again. it all comes back when i'm here, and i have time to think about it.
both of my brothers are taller than me now. and we all have kind of the same sense of humor. at least when we're together. they're funny. but don't tell them i told them that-- they'll think i like them ; )
apologies for spouting about home again. it all comes back when i'm here, and i have time to think about it.
both of my brothers are taller than me now. and we all have kind of the same sense of humor. at least when we're together. they're funny. but don't tell them i told them that-- they'll think i like them ; )
Saturday, May 10, 2008
think about feeling like a thinker
so the myers briggs says i'm a thinker rather than a feeler. i felt all proud and logical and rational when i read that, but sometimes i wonder. most minutes of my day are governed by what i feel. overwhelmed. distracted. organized. professional. enamored. failing. disappointing.
but i keep going because i think about it. and i guess i think my way into functional behavior. so apparently i'm a thinker.
most of the time.
when i started packing today (knowing i'd be living out of those bags and boxes until september) it took all i had to just get started. where do you start in a mess of a lived-in room? i started getting ridiculously overwhelmed, but a calm and supportive best friend with dreads kept me sane and taking one step at a time.
later i tried to finish without him, and almost lost it. but then after separating and trashing and emptying and reaching a certain point of accomplishment, suddenly i was skipping around the apt again.
and i look back on the roller coaster of feelings that was my day, shake my head, and realize that i'm a thinker, because i catch myself sitting around thinking about it.
shower time.
but i keep going because i think about it. and i guess i think my way into functional behavior. so apparently i'm a thinker.
most of the time.
when i started packing today (knowing i'd be living out of those bags and boxes until september) it took all i had to just get started. where do you start in a mess of a lived-in room? i started getting ridiculously overwhelmed, but a calm and supportive best friend with dreads kept me sane and taking one step at a time.
later i tried to finish without him, and almost lost it. but then after separating and trashing and emptying and reaching a certain point of accomplishment, suddenly i was skipping around the apt again.
and i look back on the roller coaster of feelings that was my day, shake my head, and realize that i'm a thinker, because i catch myself sitting around thinking about it.
shower time.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
you look nice
i hate dressing up.
auditions. singing juries. interviews. interviewing. award ceremonies. photo shoot. meetings. shows. weddings. dress rehearsals.
seriously.
i don't own dress up clothes.
my poor roommates- praise the lord for sharing.
and the jeans i can change back into afterwards.
auditions. singing juries. interviews. interviewing. award ceremonies. photo shoot. meetings. shows. weddings. dress rehearsals.
seriously.
i don't own dress up clothes.
my poor roommates- praise the lord for sharing.
and the jeans i can change back into afterwards.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
droopy eyes
i'm tired. i tell myself that i can pretend to be like everybody else and put things off or just hang out with people or stop and have a regular meal.
and then the catch-up avalanche buries me. and i seem to get sick at these beautifully inopportune times. because busy people can do even less when they're sick. but busy people don't have a choice. they don't miss class. and work. and turn assignments in late. and lounge with friends. not because they don't have the ability, but because they've learned that taking a break means incomprehensibly (and in my case unmanageably) more. which in turn leads to less sleep again. which in turn leads to not getting better from being sick. which in turn leads to struggling through accomplishing anything even more. this is the cycle.
mine won't stop until august.
hopefully if i go home in august i won't get sick there. again.
and then the catch-up avalanche buries me. and i seem to get sick at these beautifully inopportune times. because busy people can do even less when they're sick. but busy people don't have a choice. they don't miss class. and work. and turn assignments in late. and lounge with friends. not because they don't have the ability, but because they've learned that taking a break means incomprehensibly (and in my case unmanageably) more. which in turn leads to less sleep again. which in turn leads to not getting better from being sick. which in turn leads to struggling through accomplishing anything even more. this is the cycle.
mine won't stop until august.
hopefully if i go home in august i won't get sick there. again.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
blurbs?
it was 70 + degrees outside today.
and there was an earthquake.
5.2 on the richter scale
and i was in a show that changed people's lives
followed by a drink that tasted like sugary toothpaste
and i said inconsiderate things to someone i care about immensely
not in that order.
i talked to my big brother for 53 minutes
told him why i've fallen so hard for this boy i know
he said he's voting for tom hanks for president
write-in ballot
i agreed.
too much homework for a show-opening weekend
i spend my time studying wars and genocide
and interviewing baristas to work in our coffee shop.
and sitting outside on the ground on the phone laughing about doing everything wrong.
i need to call my parents and tell them about the earthquake.
and there was an earthquake.
5.2 on the richter scale
and i was in a show that changed people's lives
followed by a drink that tasted like sugary toothpaste
and i said inconsiderate things to someone i care about immensely
not in that order.
i talked to my big brother for 53 minutes
told him why i've fallen so hard for this boy i know
he said he's voting for tom hanks for president
write-in ballot
i agreed.
too much homework for a show-opening weekend
i spend my time studying wars and genocide
and interviewing baristas to work in our coffee shop.
and sitting outside on the ground on the phone laughing about doing everything wrong.
i need to call my parents and tell them about the earthquake.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
a mood?
in such a funk
i don't know what does this to me
busy days, i think
maybe because my busiest days are spent alone
im around people the whole time
from one event to job to meeting to class to lesson to rehearsal to the next
but nothing follows me consistently through the day
except myself
and the list of things i still haven't done
so that's kind of alone
trying to learn how to let people in
it's hard and i don't really like it
but who likes things that are hard?
unless it's something youre extremely passionate about i guess
so get passionate
geez.
i don't know what does this to me
busy days, i think
maybe because my busiest days are spent alone
im around people the whole time
from one event to job to meeting to class to lesson to rehearsal to the next
but nothing follows me consistently through the day
except myself
and the list of things i still haven't done
so that's kind of alone
trying to learn how to let people in
it's hard and i don't really like it
but who likes things that are hard?
unless it's something youre extremely passionate about i guess
so get passionate
geez.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
"Lies and promises for $10 an hour"
Here at anderson university the next play that opens up is called Living Out by Lisa Loomer. We open on Thursday. It's neat to find modern shows that have purpose and relevance and not just humor and sex. All eight characters in this one are split into two ethnicities: white-wealthy-suburban anglos and immigrant-now-working-for-the-anglos hispanics. When I first read the script, I thought it was great that we were doing a show about race issues, but I didn't think it had much relevance to this area or anyone who would see it. Then we saw a film on campus about immigration, and it explained that yes, the largest rise in ethnicity in the U.S. over the last 5 years has been Hispanic. And also, the region that experienced the most drastic increase is the MidWest. And also, the state that experienced the most dratic increase in the MidWest is Indiana.
...so apparently this is extremely relevant.
In Indianapolis, a very on-the-edge theatre called the Phoenix Theatre now hires multi-lingual actors and provides performances of relevant shows in English and other nights in Spanish. I wish we were able to do this show with this cast closer to the metropolis (booming... I know ; ) to reach more of the audience (Anglo and Hispanic) that this show applies to. And hopefully, the community even here in little Anderson can realize that although this play takes place in L.A., whether they venture to a bigger city or stay in Indiana, these are topics that they will need to address, and hopefully learn from this play the importance of understanding, acceptance, and equality.
Oh, and yes, I play one of the Anglo moms. Mother of twin boys. Slightly frantic. Who loves them dearly in spite of how often she has to take one or both of them to the emergency room.
Dates for the shows are Thurs-Sat for two weekends: April 17, 18, 19 and 24, 25, 26 at 7:30 pm.
Tickets are $5 for students, $12 for adults, and $10 for senior/military.
Let's do more theatre like this...
...so apparently this is extremely relevant.
In Indianapolis, a very on-the-edge theatre called the Phoenix Theatre now hires multi-lingual actors and provides performances of relevant shows in English and other nights in Spanish. I wish we were able to do this show with this cast closer to the metropolis (booming... I know ; ) to reach more of the audience (Anglo and Hispanic) that this show applies to. And hopefully, the community even here in little Anderson can realize that although this play takes place in L.A., whether they venture to a bigger city or stay in Indiana, these are topics that they will need to address, and hopefully learn from this play the importance of understanding, acceptance, and equality.
Oh, and yes, I play one of the Anglo moms. Mother of twin boys. Slightly frantic. Who loves them dearly in spite of how often she has to take one or both of them to the emergency room.
Dates for the shows are Thurs-Sat for two weekends: April 17, 18, 19 and 24, 25, 26 at 7:30 pm.
Tickets are $5 for students, $12 for adults, and $10 for senior/military.
Let's do more theatre like this...
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
to a friend
thank you for noticing. i thought i was good at hiding. but this time i wasn't trying very hard.
i also wasn't trying to get caught. i'm just tired of choosing a face and wearing it all day.
so who knows what'll come out...
i also wasn't trying to get caught. i'm just tired of choosing a face and wearing it all day.
so who knows what'll come out...
Monday, April 7, 2008
be loud. let your colorshow.
one person. years. flinched every time someone teased or jeered me for being too loud. for talking too much. no one's ever not laughed. or noticed. it's the funny thing. she's loud. she talks all the time. she talks too fast. her stories are long and boring. and it's funny, remember?
i got used to it.
but he never did. and he never laughed.
.smile.
i got used to it.
but he never did. and he never laughed.
.smile.
melancholy morning
i have to go make a very large schedule. and email lots of people. and schedule the minutes that are not yet scheduled this week. and any minutes left over= phone life. i'd still rather be on the phone with you than be next to anyone else.
i slept for twelve hours last night. instead of doing any of the above things that i needed to be doing. my ability to neglect duties is becoming quite fascinating.
auditioned for a summer-stock theatre this weekend. whole season, or maybe just a show or two. this summer may end up being VERY good.
i really really miss amanda graanstra. in case you were wondering. i had a number one best friend one time. that was a girl. it was good to my soul.
i slept for twelve hours last night. instead of doing any of the above things that i needed to be doing. my ability to neglect duties is becoming quite fascinating.
auditioned for a summer-stock theatre this weekend. whole season, or maybe just a show or two. this summer may end up being VERY good.
i really really miss amanda graanstra. in case you were wondering. i had a number one best friend one time. that was a girl. it was good to my soul.
Friday, April 4, 2008
in case you were wondering...
hummus is really yummy.
i make my coffee really sweet.
unless i'm eating it with something else sweet.
my feet usually smell.
i keep everything, waiting for that one time when someone says, "well, does anyone have ____?"
and i can say yes.
i sleep with a teddy bear. the same one for seven years. call me old fashioned when it comes to intimacy.
i drink soy milk from the carton.
meals that consist of only one thing bore me to tears.
i don't generally know how to use televisions.
im irrationally afraid of thunderstorms.
i was 50 feet away from a bolt of lightning on monday.
i have this thing with falling asleep on couches.
guitar music puts me to sleep.
especially when im on a couch.
i relive most of my memories in my head when i get bored so i can pull up the real feelings when im acting.
that gives me a bizarre relationship with my emotions.
i don't want to finish college.
i'm most likely going to finish college.
im allergic to nickel.
the metal, not the coin.
i think.
mid-california has what i consider to be the perfect climate.
if you tell me something, i'll most likely remember what i was looking at when you told me.
vanilla is for wimps.
so are shoes.
if you're talking to me and a train goes by, or the sound of one, don't be offended. i'll pay attention again in a minute or two.
i make my coffee really sweet.
unless i'm eating it with something else sweet.
my feet usually smell.
i keep everything, waiting for that one time when someone says, "well, does anyone have ____?"
and i can say yes.
i sleep with a teddy bear. the same one for seven years. call me old fashioned when it comes to intimacy.
i drink soy milk from the carton.
meals that consist of only one thing bore me to tears.
i don't generally know how to use televisions.
im irrationally afraid of thunderstorms.
i was 50 feet away from a bolt of lightning on monday.
i have this thing with falling asleep on couches.
guitar music puts me to sleep.
especially when im on a couch.
i relive most of my memories in my head when i get bored so i can pull up the real feelings when im acting.
that gives me a bizarre relationship with my emotions.
i don't want to finish college.
i'm most likely going to finish college.
im allergic to nickel.
the metal, not the coin.
i think.
mid-california has what i consider to be the perfect climate.
if you tell me something, i'll most likely remember what i was looking at when you told me.
vanilla is for wimps.
so are shoes.
if you're talking to me and a train goes by, or the sound of one, don't be offended. i'll pay attention again in a minute or two.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
but i make it look fun
i paralyze myself too easily.
i don't know what that says about me. but i sit and stare and drown in the amount of things i need to do, and if they're manageable then i can just start the first one and start checking them off the list that i always have running, written or unwritten. if they're not manageable, as they often aren't, i sit paralyzed, unable to even begin because if i won't get them done, why even start and subject myself to the inevitable hours of stress? but i can't even blow them off and enjoy the self-induced free time. it's too guilt-ridden. so i sit and stare and drown.
don't be busy like me.
i don't know what that says about me. but i sit and stare and drown in the amount of things i need to do, and if they're manageable then i can just start the first one and start checking them off the list that i always have running, written or unwritten. if they're not manageable, as they often aren't, i sit paralyzed, unable to even begin because if i won't get them done, why even start and subject myself to the inevitable hours of stress? but i can't even blow them off and enjoy the self-induced free time. it's too guilt-ridden. so i sit and stare and drown.
don't be busy like me.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
house and home.
im sick.
i think it's because im allergic to my house in pittsburgh.
but i love that house. it is so many things that my home in meadville was not. they both have their benefits, but the pittsburgh house just represents a lot more happiness than the meadville house did. my family is always there. extended family too. we never had family in our meadville house. we always had to go to pittsburgh to see them. now they come over for every birthday, game, weekend, basically anytime they aren't all together at one of the other siblings' houses, they're at ours. i love that. and i'm an adult there. they moved the weekend of my 20th birthday. from the first time i set foot there, it was with the knowledge that i half live in that house where my parents now stay and there is a tiny room on the second floor set aside just for me when i come to visit, but that i'm not expected to stay forever and i'm not expected to call every time i leave or be back by a certain time.
even after i left for college, the house in meadville uncontrollably took me back to jr high and high school whenever i went back. of late nights giggling on instant messenger instead of doing my homework. of running out the door late for everything- school, youth group, dance, rehearsal, life in general. of retreating to my basement room with the sliding glass door to get away from my dad and not speaking to him for weeks on end. twenty years of making the rounds from the tall cabinet by the table, to the one above it, to the fridge, to the cabinet next to it looking for something to eat. twenty winters of firewood in the woodstove and smelling like woodsmoke. twenty summers of opening every window and door and alternating inside and outside looking for the coolest place or the place that would provide whatever solace i decided i needed that day. that teenage feeling of always being monitored and controlled, even though my parents are the most easy-going and supportive i've ever met.
the pittsburgh house is associated with the freedom to go and do as i please and still be able to call that building on josphine street my home. always welcome. me and whoever's with me. always homemade iced tea and leftover mashed potatoes in the fridge. dad's bitter beer in the basement and mom's bottle of wine next to the microwave so she can sip it while she's cooking dinner and blasting music through the house.
i am one of a few phenomenally blessed people to have the home and family that others only dream of. it took me a few years to realize it, but i see it now and am overwhelmed by gratitude for it every day. it's not perfect. it's not always fun. i'm driven crazy by repetition after two weeks of being home. but it's always there. stop by anytime. you'll be welcomed.
...i still think i'm allergic though. it keeps me from getting too settled there-- makes me keep moving on to the next crazy thing. but that's a genetic trait, i think ; )
i think it's because im allergic to my house in pittsburgh.
but i love that house. it is so many things that my home in meadville was not. they both have their benefits, but the pittsburgh house just represents a lot more happiness than the meadville house did. my family is always there. extended family too. we never had family in our meadville house. we always had to go to pittsburgh to see them. now they come over for every birthday, game, weekend, basically anytime they aren't all together at one of the other siblings' houses, they're at ours. i love that. and i'm an adult there. they moved the weekend of my 20th birthday. from the first time i set foot there, it was with the knowledge that i half live in that house where my parents now stay and there is a tiny room on the second floor set aside just for me when i come to visit, but that i'm not expected to stay forever and i'm not expected to call every time i leave or be back by a certain time.
even after i left for college, the house in meadville uncontrollably took me back to jr high and high school whenever i went back. of late nights giggling on instant messenger instead of doing my homework. of running out the door late for everything- school, youth group, dance, rehearsal, life in general. of retreating to my basement room with the sliding glass door to get away from my dad and not speaking to him for weeks on end. twenty years of making the rounds from the tall cabinet by the table, to the one above it, to the fridge, to the cabinet next to it looking for something to eat. twenty winters of firewood in the woodstove and smelling like woodsmoke. twenty summers of opening every window and door and alternating inside and outside looking for the coolest place or the place that would provide whatever solace i decided i needed that day. that teenage feeling of always being monitored and controlled, even though my parents are the most easy-going and supportive i've ever met.
the pittsburgh house is associated with the freedom to go and do as i please and still be able to call that building on josphine street my home. always welcome. me and whoever's with me. always homemade iced tea and leftover mashed potatoes in the fridge. dad's bitter beer in the basement and mom's bottle of wine next to the microwave so she can sip it while she's cooking dinner and blasting music through the house.
i am one of a few phenomenally blessed people to have the home and family that others only dream of. it took me a few years to realize it, but i see it now and am overwhelmed by gratitude for it every day. it's not perfect. it's not always fun. i'm driven crazy by repetition after two weeks of being home. but it's always there. stop by anytime. you'll be welcomed.
...i still think i'm allergic though. it keeps me from getting too settled there-- makes me keep moving on to the next crazy thing. but that's a genetic trait, i think ; )
Saturday, March 8, 2008
soon it will be VERY loud
house is clean
food is cooking
showers are taken
clothes are on
cars are moved
sitting and waiting for the birthday party of a lifetime to start.
or just the overwhelming joy that drowns me when all of my favorite people are in one place together... especially when that place is my home-- my new home that i've fallen in love with but rarely get to visit.
my mum is one of eight kids and they ALL will be here tonight. i have a beautiful homey eclectic brick house in pittsburgh, pa. the boy that has changed my entire life around is on his way to spend this with me.
some things are just overwhelmingly good.
p.s. soon to come-- the roadtrip home story :^O
the week preceding march 9 is always a crazy one.
food is cooking
showers are taken
clothes are on
cars are moved
sitting and waiting for the birthday party of a lifetime to start.
or just the overwhelming joy that drowns me when all of my favorite people are in one place together... especially when that place is my home-- my new home that i've fallen in love with but rarely get to visit.
my mum is one of eight kids and they ALL will be here tonight. i have a beautiful homey eclectic brick house in pittsburgh, pa. the boy that has changed my entire life around is on his way to spend this with me.
some things are just overwhelmingly good.
p.s. soon to come-- the roadtrip home story :^O
the week preceding march 9 is always a crazy one.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
so how's the weather?
happy march.
it's pretty much my favorite month.
i always thought that spring started in march.
and i would get so frustrated that it was still snowing for the whole month.
and then i remembered that i lived in nw pennsylvania.
where spring doesn't start till may.
and then it made sense.
it's pretty much my favorite month.
i always thought that spring started in march.
and i would get so frustrated that it was still snowing for the whole month.
and then i remembered that i lived in nw pennsylvania.
where spring doesn't start till may.
and then it made sense.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
flying and falling
i was told by someone that they know me more now than they did two months ago. that they've learned things they didn't previously know. and that scared me for some reason. i guess i assume that because people tell me im loud and upfront and appear to be very secure in who i am... that i am consistently "that." that i let everyone know or see certain things about me, even sometimes regardless of who they are or how i know them. that i try to come across to everyone the same. and to many people, that seems brave.
i also know that people think i come across fake. insincere. because i try to be the same with most people. i can understand that.
but then for those few people with whom i actually do get much closer, i wonder if i dump a load on them. i take the deepening of the relationship as a cue to let loose, and let it all come out? is that what most people do? or do most people just continue their varying levels of intimacy with varying levels of friends and nothing's a huge surprise because anyone who knows them really knows them and sees it all coming...
maybe this other side of me is just brutally different from the parts i show the general public of friends and aquaintances.
i manipulate the world around me. i'm not thrilled about it, but i don't deny it.
i wrote a whole scene of my solo show about my subconscious internal process of handing people the exact amount of myself that i think they can handle("I'M FREAKING LOUD...OKAY?...blackout" haha), or maybe slightly more or less depending on how daring they are. so, is getting dangerously close to me your automatic ticket for the dirty load? for the stuff that you never would have thought or assumed. the things you "didn't know"?
maybe i should work toward being a more "integrated" person. the bad with the good. .................yeah i've heard that a lot.
but im still a fan of the 'who wants to see everyone's dirty laundry' line. no pun intended.
the select few. and you share theirs. but other than that just enjoy life with people...
me and my pride. my best friend.
ugh.
i also know that people think i come across fake. insincere. because i try to be the same with most people. i can understand that.
but then for those few people with whom i actually do get much closer, i wonder if i dump a load on them. i take the deepening of the relationship as a cue to let loose, and let it all come out? is that what most people do? or do most people just continue their varying levels of intimacy with varying levels of friends and nothing's a huge surprise because anyone who knows them really knows them and sees it all coming...
maybe this other side of me is just brutally different from the parts i show the general public of friends and aquaintances.
i manipulate the world around me. i'm not thrilled about it, but i don't deny it.
i wrote a whole scene of my solo show about my subconscious internal process of handing people the exact amount of myself that i think they can handle("I'M FREAKING LOUD...OKAY?...blackout" haha), or maybe slightly more or less depending on how daring they are. so, is getting dangerously close to me your automatic ticket for the dirty load? for the stuff that you never would have thought or assumed. the things you "didn't know"?
maybe i should work toward being a more "integrated" person. the bad with the good. .................yeah i've heard that a lot.
but im still a fan of the 'who wants to see everyone's dirty laundry' line. no pun intended.
the select few. and you share theirs. but other than that just enjoy life with people...
me and my pride. my best friend.
ugh.
Monday, February 25, 2008
an irony of sorts.
ive been struck lately with how small we make our own worlds. how introspective and individual our concerns. how every person that you walk past is concerned with themselves and their day and their life and their plans and their sadnesses and their denial and their attempts to change or stay the same.
and i am the worst. i know that.
but everyone on varying levels is this way. even mother theresa we learn had a private life in which she doubted and questioned and had individual and selfish concerns. and i love her for that. because it makes her and her work accessible. you do not have to be perfect and entirely selfless every minute of every day to do her work, you just need to continue to work and care in the midst of it.
and the trend seems to be that the more we open up and let others in, as well as care for others without thought to ourselves (or try to), the closer we come to finding the true love for ourselves and the beauty in letting other people in to love us.
unfortunately i seemed to have learned along my one-woman path through life that letting people in just leads to hurt. unnecessary. hurt that would not have happened if i had not let that person/those people in that far. and i can fully argue both sides, both for and against radical trust, don't worry. but... i put stock in my feelings because i know the control and manipulation i subject my thoughts to, and my feelings when honest (rare) reveal to me that after the whole argument with myself, the pros of keeping people out outweigh the pros of letting them in.
i don't know whether or not that's "right."
but my feelings have proved truer and authentic-er in the past. many more times than my thoughts.
so that's the me that you encounter when all you get is a smile and a loud greeting, no inquiry to your soul, and no invitations to mine. it's nothing personal against you. it's totally personal against me. and it's a battle that i'm struggling to even convince myself to fight. so, in the words of a strangely relevant monologue from my solo show about my struggle with pride... "please love me anyway?"
and here i am writing a blog of all things, the ultimate of inward-action (because i write and throw it out there gambling on whether anyone will read it, and if they do whether they will even be concerned with what i write) about acting inwardly, rather than doing something about it. as if this world wide web confession that may reach no one at all somehow justifies my continued apathy in this regard...
and i am the worst. i know that.
but everyone on varying levels is this way. even mother theresa we learn had a private life in which she doubted and questioned and had individual and selfish concerns. and i love her for that. because it makes her and her work accessible. you do not have to be perfect and entirely selfless every minute of every day to do her work, you just need to continue to work and care in the midst of it.
and the trend seems to be that the more we open up and let others in, as well as care for others without thought to ourselves (or try to), the closer we come to finding the true love for ourselves and the beauty in letting other people in to love us.
unfortunately i seemed to have learned along my one-woman path through life that letting people in just leads to hurt. unnecessary. hurt that would not have happened if i had not let that person/those people in that far. and i can fully argue both sides, both for and against radical trust, don't worry. but... i put stock in my feelings because i know the control and manipulation i subject my thoughts to, and my feelings when honest (rare) reveal to me that after the whole argument with myself, the pros of keeping people out outweigh the pros of letting them in.
i don't know whether or not that's "right."
but my feelings have proved truer and authentic-er in the past. many more times than my thoughts.
so that's the me that you encounter when all you get is a smile and a loud greeting, no inquiry to your soul, and no invitations to mine. it's nothing personal against you. it's totally personal against me. and it's a battle that i'm struggling to even convince myself to fight. so, in the words of a strangely relevant monologue from my solo show about my struggle with pride... "please love me anyway?"
and here i am writing a blog of all things, the ultimate of inward-action (because i write and throw it out there gambling on whether anyone will read it, and if they do whether they will even be concerned with what i write) about acting inwardly, rather than doing something about it. as if this world wide web confession that may reach no one at all somehow justifies my continued apathy in this regard...
Thursday, February 21, 2008
puh-oast scuh-ript
ps individualism is a negative thing. it's not being unique and independent. it's only thinking about yourself.
im craving fried chicken and some kind of cooked fish with lemon juice.
i think i need to invest more meat in my diet.
damned beans and rice. ok i lied, it's bread and cheese.
if you had 28 pounds of jarslberg swiss in your fridge, you'd be a cheese-itarian too.
im going to bed.
im craving fried chicken and some kind of cooked fish with lemon juice.
i think i need to invest more meat in my diet.
damned beans and rice. ok i lied, it's bread and cheese.
if you had 28 pounds of jarslberg swiss in your fridge, you'd be a cheese-itarian too.
im going to bed.
sufficiently failed today? check.
feeling strangely exhausted after a wasted day
why do we measure days based on the number of things to check off our guilty list?
and if we don't feel we've checked enough off, then we just feel... guilty.
check that off the list.
feel guilty. .check.
i wish my life were based on other people and relationships with them, not my overwhelming individualism and schedule.
it seems easier for others to see how to change that. just change.
and while i'm just "changing," you pick out your largest and longest struggle that is hard to alter and even harder to admit, and change that.
and we'll talk.
not impossible. just overwhelming. and depressing, which puts you right back at the start.
why do we measure days based on the number of things to check off our guilty list?
and if we don't feel we've checked enough off, then we just feel... guilty.
check that off the list.
feel guilty. .check.
i wish my life were based on other people and relationships with them, not my overwhelming individualism and schedule.
it seems easier for others to see how to change that. just change.
and while i'm just "changing," you pick out your largest and longest struggle that is hard to alter and even harder to admit, and change that.
and we'll talk.
not impossible. just overwhelming. and depressing, which puts you right back at the start.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
for you.
rest easy now.
there's no rush
rest easy now.
there are many who love you.
and though we don't always do it the best, or know how to try, the more you let us know the more we can be where we need to be.
and not just for you. but because we want to.
because you have been that for us so many times.
the least we can do is try to care back. when you need it.
so don't be sad. don't be stuck. don't think too much.
rest easy for a little while.
we'll be here.
let us be.
there's no rush
rest easy now.
there are many who love you.
and though we don't always do it the best, or know how to try, the more you let us know the more we can be where we need to be.
and not just for you. but because we want to.
because you have been that for us so many times.
the least we can do is try to care back. when you need it.
so don't be sad. don't be stuck. don't think too much.
rest easy for a little while.
we'll be here.
let us be.
trains and simple thoughts.
it whistles by
and screams a sigh
that brings you to my
memory
it rushes by
and we can spy
the words that fly
past
it chugs along
and sends a song
miles strong
winding
a yellow night
snow reflects light
and you are right
beside me
no more pretend
that i can spend
today to the end
...
without you.
and screams a sigh
that brings you to my
memory
it rushes by
and we can spy
the words that fly
past
it chugs along
and sends a song
miles strong
winding
a yellow night
snow reflects light
and you are right
beside me
no more pretend
that i can spend
today to the end
...
without you.
Friday, February 15, 2008
so there.
ok i like you.
happy?
*i know this'll be hard, because you don't have opposable thumbs, but get. a. grip.*
happy?
*i know this'll be hard, because you don't have opposable thumbs, but get. a. grip.*
Thursday, January 24, 2008
who can afford this??
speaking of education being expensive...
why can't we be one of those schools where you can pay a fee to freeze your freaking tuition to what it is when you decide that you can afford to go to that freaking school? especially if affording it is based on scholarships that DO NOT get any higher when tuition does??
let's change that 40+ thousand to hmm say 80?? is that even possible?
i should have just been a doctor.
i don't mean that. but come on.
why can't we be one of those schools where you can pay a fee to freeze your freaking tuition to what it is when you decide that you can afford to go to that freaking school? especially if affording it is based on scholarships that DO NOT get any higher when tuition does??
let's change that 40+ thousand to hmm say 80?? is that even possible?
i should have just been a doctor.
i don't mean that. but come on.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
i have to map this out... bear with me
i wish priorities were simple. or that you could just have an idea and go through with it and not have to map out the repercussions and later live with them and try to figure out whether or not it was worth it.
i'm talking about school.
most people i know are seriously debating staying in school right now. ok that's not entirely true- most of them are realizing that it's an option to leave and we would be much less in debt and do we really need it or are we just here because it's the thing to do and where we are... but then we all get too scared of the actual possibility of leaving that we give up on it. like we don't have a choice. but we do.
im studying theatre. and i'm still not entirely sure that's what i want to do professionally, but i've come to terms with the fact that just an uncertainty about theatre doesn't mean the entire education is worth nothing if i don't use that specific part of the degree. and because i don't know whether or not i'll go professional, in some senses i already have the experience and ability to get into the theatre that i'd want to do without having the degree or title. but... graduating and having a bachelor's will ultimately be a benefit because the whole level of job potential is being reworked around my generation being college graduates. and i'm a bit of a nerd-- i like to run things, not just sit and watch. but any position like that will require a liberal arts degree. which i will have. if i stay in school for another year. and get another year's worth of debt that i can't even begin to pay.
and so what about traveling? what about living on just enough to get by and change and spontaneity of being young? how does that work with 40+ thousand dollars of school loans? we're chaining ourselves to a grind stone... but what other option do we have, especially when we already have three years of school under our belt? my parents had it so good- moving to cali right after high school and living on whatever they could gather and sharing with friends and traveling and living it up while they could. but now they're suffering from middle-age-middle-class-syndrome, with very little wiggle room in any direction. my dad still drives trucks around all day to pay for the groceries. he's 51 years old. and he's brilliant. but in a lot of ways he's just stuck.
so rational thinking...
i guess i'm staying in school. above, when i was talking about people considering radical possibilities then just giving up and going back to knowing that they won't actually make the hard decision and quit school... yeah that's me. but other options... some of the humanitarian aid programs will defer school loans while you serve with them. americorps does. so i could still take advantage of my not-settled-anywhere-yet position and my extremely low budget and my need to go out and do things that aren't spending thousands of dollars to make myself more marketable-- and still get out and about for a while.
yeah but then theatre comes back up. i'll never be more prepared to do well than right after 4 years of training. but going straight to theatre means going straight into loans. going straight into a low income that has to get me normal things like rent and groceries. straight to hoping for a touring job because they're exciting and pay the best, but are a strain on things like... hmmm relationships? and as much as i would love to put my art before everything else, traveling around and leaving behind someone who i finally just got a hold of... does not sound like a fun idea to me at all.
back to square one? or maybe just an educated square one. education is expensive.
i'm talking about school.
most people i know are seriously debating staying in school right now. ok that's not entirely true- most of them are realizing that it's an option to leave and we would be much less in debt and do we really need it or are we just here because it's the thing to do and where we are... but then we all get too scared of the actual possibility of leaving that we give up on it. like we don't have a choice. but we do.
im studying theatre. and i'm still not entirely sure that's what i want to do professionally, but i've come to terms with the fact that just an uncertainty about theatre doesn't mean the entire education is worth nothing if i don't use that specific part of the degree. and because i don't know whether or not i'll go professional, in some senses i already have the experience and ability to get into the theatre that i'd want to do without having the degree or title. but... graduating and having a bachelor's will ultimately be a benefit because the whole level of job potential is being reworked around my generation being college graduates. and i'm a bit of a nerd-- i like to run things, not just sit and watch. but any position like that will require a liberal arts degree. which i will have. if i stay in school for another year. and get another year's worth of debt that i can't even begin to pay.
and so what about traveling? what about living on just enough to get by and change and spontaneity of being young? how does that work with 40+ thousand dollars of school loans? we're chaining ourselves to a grind stone... but what other option do we have, especially when we already have three years of school under our belt? my parents had it so good- moving to cali right after high school and living on whatever they could gather and sharing with friends and traveling and living it up while they could. but now they're suffering from middle-age-middle-class-syndrome, with very little wiggle room in any direction. my dad still drives trucks around all day to pay for the groceries. he's 51 years old. and he's brilliant. but in a lot of ways he's just stuck.
so rational thinking...
i guess i'm staying in school. above, when i was talking about people considering radical possibilities then just giving up and going back to knowing that they won't actually make the hard decision and quit school... yeah that's me. but other options... some of the humanitarian aid programs will defer school loans while you serve with them. americorps does. so i could still take advantage of my not-settled-anywhere-yet position and my extremely low budget and my need to go out and do things that aren't spending thousands of dollars to make myself more marketable-- and still get out and about for a while.
yeah but then theatre comes back up. i'll never be more prepared to do well than right after 4 years of training. but going straight to theatre means going straight into loans. going straight into a low income that has to get me normal things like rent and groceries. straight to hoping for a touring job because they're exciting and pay the best, but are a strain on things like... hmmm relationships? and as much as i would love to put my art before everything else, traveling around and leaving behind someone who i finally just got a hold of... does not sound like a fun idea to me at all.
back to square one? or maybe just an educated square one. education is expensive.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
frozen.
and then there are the times when everything you try to do to save people just hurts them worse. intentions apparently are not what they seem to be. so now i struggle with the evidence that anything that begins with the base intention to make hurt go away... will serve just to hurt them even more.
and so i remain in limbo... too scared to make a move in either direction... because maybe if i make all my intentions go away and don't move at all... that will be the only way to not hurt anyone more.
like a cartoon frozen in some bizarre shape where nothing moves but its shifting eyes, knowing that if it moves a muscle anywhere else on its body, more of the tense strings connected to the rest of world will snap and let relationships down. but the shifting eyes can't help but see the damage they've already caused.
and even that seems to leave the rest fuming and/or bleeding.
and so i remain in limbo... too scared to make a move in either direction... because maybe if i make all my intentions go away and don't move at all... that will be the only way to not hurt anyone more.
like a cartoon frozen in some bizarre shape where nothing moves but its shifting eyes, knowing that if it moves a muscle anywhere else on its body, more of the tense strings connected to the rest of world will snap and let relationships down. but the shifting eyes can't help but see the damage they've already caused.
and even that seems to leave the rest fuming and/or bleeding.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
crazy little thing called art
so i'm in milwaukee, wisconsin. competing at the American College Theatre Festival. yeah i'm that cool. i fought and bled and raised some money to bring in a respondent (representative of the Festival) to see A Streetcar Named Desire in November when I played Stella, managed to get nominated by said respondent and now i'm competing with my friend lisa. ok so we had he preliminary round today and we didn't get past that, but no one from anderson ever has. i'm not losing hope though. tomorrow we get feedback from the judges about the three minute scene we competed with this morning, and i'm hoping to get some good tips. learning is good. and that's what this week is all about. now that the competing part is over, the rest of the week is workshops and shows, from which you can learn as much in one intensive week as you can in a semester of liberal arts studies. this will be a good week. thanks to everybody who supported us along the way : ).
i had a late lunch with ronn, my theatre professor from au, today (long story but basically we ended up having to rely on him and a school credit card anytime we want to buy food... but i'm still thankful to the sponsors who made it possible to be here) and it was really great to sit around and talk about acting and coaching and directing and etcetera. i have yet to completely settle on what function theatre will have in my life beyond this point, because i'm starting to realize it may have to be all or nothing, at least for a little while. or at least it will definitely have to be all if i want it to be more than a hobby. nobody gets into the arts for free or easy. but then i have to really figure out why i'm doing it and where i would like that to take me. i didn't audition for any nyc schools or anything because i knew any attempt to get "famous" would go to my head and make me a horrible person. or just horribly depressed. but you gotta fend your way through no matter what. and in case some of you haven't noticed... i only take risks when i have a general idea that they could possibly work out. im a selective risk taker. i guess it makes you look good though, because when you don't do things you will probably fail at, you can convince people that you very rarely fail. my apologies to anyone who i've convinced of that. it's not true-- i'm just a coward a lot of times. so all of that to say- i need to keep taking risks and maybe even take some more to find out if i'm just doing this because i'm sufficiently "good" at it to at least keep my head above water for now, or if i'm going to find out how to make it work with my general life plans.... you know, try to care about people. or if, to a certain extent, they don't have to mix.
and thus the circle continues. i'm just gonna go to workshops and shows and keep thinking for now.
i had a late lunch with ronn, my theatre professor from au, today (long story but basically we ended up having to rely on him and a school credit card anytime we want to buy food... but i'm still thankful to the sponsors who made it possible to be here) and it was really great to sit around and talk about acting and coaching and directing and etcetera. i have yet to completely settle on what function theatre will have in my life beyond this point, because i'm starting to realize it may have to be all or nothing, at least for a little while. or at least it will definitely have to be all if i want it to be more than a hobby. nobody gets into the arts for free or easy. but then i have to really figure out why i'm doing it and where i would like that to take me. i didn't audition for any nyc schools or anything because i knew any attempt to get "famous" would go to my head and make me a horrible person. or just horribly depressed. but you gotta fend your way through no matter what. and in case some of you haven't noticed... i only take risks when i have a general idea that they could possibly work out. im a selective risk taker. i guess it makes you look good though, because when you don't do things you will probably fail at, you can convince people that you very rarely fail. my apologies to anyone who i've convinced of that. it's not true-- i'm just a coward a lot of times. so all of that to say- i need to keep taking risks and maybe even take some more to find out if i'm just doing this because i'm sufficiently "good" at it to at least keep my head above water for now, or if i'm going to find out how to make it work with my general life plans.... you know, try to care about people. or if, to a certain extent, they don't have to mix.
and thus the circle continues. i'm just gonna go to workshops and shows and keep thinking for now.
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