flying and falling

i was told by someone that they know me more now than they did two months ago. that they've learned things they didn't previously know. and that scared me for some reason. i guess i assume that because people tell me im loud and upfront and appear to be very secure in who i am... that i am consistently "that." that i let everyone know or see certain things about me, even sometimes regardless of who they are or how i know them. that i try to come across to everyone the same. and to many people, that seems brave.
i also know that people think i come across fake. insincere. because i try to be the same with most people. i can understand that.

but then for those few people with whom i actually do get much closer, i wonder if i dump a load on them. i take the deepening of the relationship as a cue to let loose, and let it all come out? is that what most people do? or do most people just continue their varying levels of intimacy with varying levels of friends and nothing's a huge surprise because anyone who knows them really knows them and sees it all coming...

maybe this other side of me is just brutally different from the parts i show the general public of friends and aquaintances.
i manipulate the world around me. i'm not thrilled about it, but i don't deny it.
i wrote a whole scene of my solo show about my subconscious internal process of handing people the exact amount of myself that i think they can handle("I'M FREAKING LOUD...OKAY?...blackout" haha), or maybe slightly more or less depending on how daring they are. so, is getting dangerously close to me your automatic ticket for the dirty load? for the stuff that you never would have thought or assumed. the things you "didn't know"?

maybe i should work toward being a more "integrated" person. the bad with the good. .................yeah i've heard that a lot.
but im still a fan of the 'who wants to see everyone's dirty laundry' line. no pun intended.
the select few. and you share theirs. but other than that just enjoy life with people...
me and my pride. my best friend.
ugh.