PFC Brenner of My Generation

some things in life are just worth it. like wearing obnoxiously huge sweatpants all day. watching small children sleep. smoking hookah with your parents. planning lunch with an old friend. staying up late because you can. falling asleep next to someone who is smiling at you. eating ice cream before dinner and straight from the carton.

and some things are really hard.

and sometimes there's a very thin line between them.

my brother is in the army. special forces. fort benning i think. he's the last person on earth i ever imagined in the army, and if you know him then you'll understand. but he's there and writing all the miserable bootcamp details in letters to my mum that make her cry. but he'll be home for christmas.
he told me once how close he was to breaking both knees of someone who really really hurt me. it's hard to imagine someone growing up without that kind of a big brother presence. he's far away and he's impulsive and he's poor, but there's a sense of little sister-ship that goes along with motorcycles and broken knees. he's trained me well for this life in which i seem to play everyone's little sister.
on stage and off.

the actor's lament

i started college a hundred years ago.
i graduated high school a million years ago.
and i'm still not old enough to drink it away.

writing my nightmares like some sick punishment
cringing at the thoughts
some things have to keep coming back.

the god of everything still thinks i'm cool.

have you ever had those times where you seem to have no control over your mind? it goes wherever it wants and you can't shake it. maybe it's worse for actors... we train ourselves to feel more strongly, deeply, and memorably than those who have the privilege of forgetting their memories. we keep them to use later on... to help others or maybe to help ourselves... or maybe just to make a kickass character who really seems to feel. that's not why i have to write down the nightmares i've dreamt. but that's why i have to relive the nightmares i've lived through.