see saw

so this whole studying thing is throwing me for a loop. i think it's because i've done so much of it over the last two weeks. i kinda almost passed out last friday after running a mile and a half and getting almost no sleep for two weeks... my RA found me laying on the floor in my room because i just didnt think i could stand up anymore. well, anyone who knows me from high school probably isnt too surprised by that. i guess i havent changed as much as i had wanted to.

i dont know if im going to stay here. anderson. college. i mean, i love it so much and i love the people here and i cant imagine giving up all the amazing friends ive made so far, but i feel like im just going backwards. i planned on coming here and defining my mission(what god created me to do) and getting super strong with my faith and meeting new people and showing them the real me, the new me, the me that i was getting ready to try out in the "real world". and i was going to learn so much about god (i'm a freaking bible major- along with the theatre) and hit the ground running at the end of four years and go change the world, one life at a time.... but here i am, spending way too much time in my room 'studying' (which- dont get me wrong- is what i am paying to come here to do), spending my money on coffee and meals out and cheap clothes i dont need, worrying about what others think of me, getting caught up in the social scene that i worked four years to remove myself from, convincing myself i'm too busy to even sit down and read the word of god, thinking im better than other people,trying to figure out my own problems.... the list goes on. do any of the second things match up with the first? NO. it's so frustrating to sit here and watch myself creep farther and farther away from what i'm passionate about doing- getting out there and telling people the TRUTH about this God that they know nothing about and using drama and music to do it. college is great- i would always get up and spout about how college is right for some people and not others, to justify the people that went straight into working or a trade... i just knew that i was one of those for whom college was right. of course. i got the grades in high school. i have the motivation to go out and do it. but who cares if its not what god created you for? you can get 'better' jobs if you go to college... well i'm pretty much going to be poor the rest of my l ife anyway so what does it matter?

blah. i dont know what im talking about. im worrying. because im not letting myself believe that god will guide me IF I LISTEN. and im not listening. im doing things my own way and then getting angry when he isnt coming through for me. way to be. i need to get out of this atmosphere where everything ELSE matters more than the only things that really matter. nothing against AU... just me. ive put layers and walls up while i thought i was breaking them down. sorry if ive been lying to you lately. i probably have.

please dont think i got this all from you. all this was in my mind long before we talked about it.

if only...

i dont know how much i have to say today. or how much i can say. i hate keeping things from people, but i seem to be freaking good at it. we'll see what happens when i don't sit down with anything specific to say...

i get to go home in three days. that seems so soon but it feels like forever just because of all the things i have to do before then. this whole riding home thing is getting confusing- we have ten people to get from anderson to meadville, and three cars. i'm not in charge of any of it though, i'll just give gas money to whoever is driving the vehicle i'm in... it will be really nice to be back- get out of the college life for a little while.

...i hate letting any thing other than christ or even myself dictate what i do. i'm letting something else make all the little decisions in life. the big ones are affected by something completely different, but the little ones all seem to depend on this one thing, no matter how far i try to push it from my mind and get down to the bottom of me, the rawest part, where i can't hide from myself. the inescapable truths that are there, but that i've smothered in spending so long watching and trying to mimic others and push down the parts of me that i didnt think fit this perfect emotional/physical/spiritual mold i've created in my mind. who is that girl in my mind? she's not me, she's not even possible. she is a conglomeration of all the things that i admire in other people and that i feel i should/could be myself if only... if only... she doesn't exist. she can't exist. god didn't create her. he created me... here ya go world! leah. bam. like it or leave it i guess. i know that i'm not done. my work has barely begun, and god most certainly isn't finished with me yet. and he/i wont be done until it's time for me to go. so yeah, i guess it's fine for me to have a mold in my mind- something i'm working to become. i guess it just needs to be a molding mold. constantly changing... as i change and allow god to change me. god doesnt try to fit me into a box, so why should i do that to him? or to myself. he wants me to fly. and he will be there the whole time. hmmm, so this sounds all fine and dandy... someone told me recently that i work out a lot of my own questions by talking (or writing) about them... processing them in solid word form... but i'm still left knowing that i understand all of this about myself and i know that i should fix it... but i'll get up tomorrow morning and start subconsciously answering the simple questions of the day with my cute little bias. to satisfy that cute little unsatisfyable part of myself. ugh. i'm getting there...it just seems like whenever i manage to get both feet on the train for five seconds, i get knocked off the track again and i didnt even see it coming. god- help me to be constant. and aware. and ready to see it coming.

third world faith

hmmm. i dont know what my deal is. but i think i've become... complacent maybe? i feel like i'm not accomplishing anything. college makes me really selfish. i'm all concerned with what MY schedule is like and when I'M going to eat and what classes I need to take and when and who I want to hang out with and when I need to be alone and the homework that I need to do and what MY problems are and how i expect others to deal with them. ugh. it makes me sick, because i feel like it's just expected. life is a movie about me right? i seem to be the star of every single scene that i've ever watched... but even with that in mind, my movie needs to be about god through me. i've grown so blah because it's a christian campus here... not everyone is a christian but everyone is expected/assumed to be. why make a big deal about your faith or try to evangelize to a bunch of christians? yeah right. kids here need jesus as much as anyone else, they just are often more stubborn against hearing it because they've heard it all before. so here i am not feeling like there's a need to be met, not feeling challenged or persecuted or like there's anything to fight... and who wants to sit around and not be fighting for something? so of course satan takes that and whispers 'yup, theres nothing for you to do here because nobody wants to hear it anyway. you have four years until you need to be responsible for your faith again so why dont you just chill? you're at a christian school, why do you need to work so hard to keep up being a christian- it's assumed whether you actually do it or not...' and so here i am struggling with things that i've never needed to struggle with before and getting so caught up in myself and sitting around and not doing anything of value. i need to be somewhere that forces me to put all my trust in god. that doesn't give me any other choice. it's like exercising- who keeps up an exercise program on their own if they are only holding themselves accountable? but if they are on a team that practices every day then they have no choice but to run their brains out and work muscles until they scream with pain. it is hard and grueling at the time but at the end of the day they know that they accomplished something that day and that they will be different tomorrow because of it. i need that type of situation with god. something that forces me to put into use what i know to be true but cant bring myself to do on my own. another dumb analogy-- allergies are a first world disease. people in third world countries dont have allergies because their bodies are too busy trying to stay alive. first world bodies really have nothing better to do and so develop health issues with random things... my faith has become like a body with allergies, dealing with things that dont really matter and spending way too much money on allergy medication just so that i can have relief because god forbid i should be uncomfortable. i need a third world faith, that strips down to the bare minimum, the basics of christ and his love for me and my love (however seemingly shallow right now) for him, and forces me to strive just for my faith to survive... because then at the end of the day when i have followed christ through the storms and droughts and i know that i am still not too far behind him, i can sit back and say, yeah, i accomplished something today. and i'm gonna be stronger tomorrow because of it. i want to remember how it feels to be desperate for christ and the relief of finding him when you expected to find nothing to hold onto. because those are the stories that i can really tell people. and they will understand the desperation and see a difference in me and want to know more about this mysterious jesus character. and that's life. ugh- i just want to go. go and make disciples. take up my cross and follow him, not make him wait four years until I'M ready to go out into the world with his message...

where do you turn when...?

SEEK. It’s what the bible tells us to do. Seek with all your heart. Seek and you will find. I think we focus too often on the “all your heart” and “you will find” parts. What about the seeking? What does it mean? How do we do it? What are we seeking for? I have been struggling with faith issues since the beginning of july… but they’re not just issues of growing through new territory in my faith. No, I was stronger before this summer than I had ever been. Ever. But then I was knocked off the track. So now, it’s not a matter of continuing to grow from where I was, but rather starting over. Starting at the beginning again. The basics. For instance, god loves me. He LOVES me. With a capacity of love that I cannot even begin to fathom. And nothing I can do or someone else can do to me or how far off the track I fall can change any aspect of this love. I’m beginning to learn that again. But in the past, anytime I struggled with something I knew that I could turn to god with my generic formula and everything would be just fine: read the bible and pray. No matter what was going on. That fixes things. Anyone can tell you. Problem? Stress? Anger? Insecurity? Read and pray. But not now, and I think that’s what scares me the most. I tried my typical formula, and nothing happened. It still hurt. A lot. And I still couldn’t stop thinking about it. And I still had trouble believing that god knew what he was doing. And that scared me- what do you do when your time-honored solution doesn’t work? When your spiritual medicine gives your pain no relief? I had nowhere else to turn when my same old same old reading and praying didn’t work. I guess that’s where seeking comes in. We are told over and over in the bible to seek BLAH BLAH BLAH. Seek and BLAH BLAH BLAH. And so we write sermons and have debates and encourage each other with the promises and warm fuzzy parts that precede and follow the seek part. But what we need to hear when we have nowhere else to turn is SEEK. God is there. That’s the promise. But he doesn’t promise to always make us feel warm and fuzzy and to find US and pick us up out of our problems. We need to seek him. With all our heart. With all our heart: SEEK. Not just by reading and praying but by taking those things to the next level and making it the primary motivation and goal of your life to seek god. In thoughts by yourself, in relations with others, in any type of work and school, in reading, in eating, in thinking… seek god. Let your life overflow with his influence. Then how can the problems remain stagnant? They have no choice but to change and mold when the creator of the universe is allowed free reign in your life.
Don’t think this means I have it all together. Don’t think my problems are magically gone. This is new for me. And it’s hard. But after four months of panicked frustration over not being able to find god and fix things the way I always had… it’s a start. And in the midst of it I still need to stop and remember that god loves me. And let him love me. And know that he is there, and no matter how far off the track I am pulled, he is still there. Waiting to be found when I seek him. With all my heart… seeking.

hidden

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how do you find the truth behind the lies?

when other people write the words you can't say

i am the only one to blame for this. somehow it all ends up the same. soaring on the wings of selfish pride i flew too high and like icharus i collide with a world i try so hard to leave behind. to rid myself of all but love, to give and die. to turn away and not become another nail to pirece the skin of one who loved more deeply than the ocean, more abundant than the tears, of a world embracing every heartache. can i be the one to sacrifice? or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow? to love you... take my world apart. to need you... i am on my knees. to love you... take my world apart. to need you... broken on my knees.
all said and done i stand alone. not much remains of a life i should not own. it takes all i am to believe in the mercy that covers me. did you really have to die for me? all i am, for all you are, for what i need and what i believe are worlds apart. and i pray to love you... take my world apart. to need you... i am on my knees. to love you... take my world apart. to nee d you... broken on my knees.
i look beyond the empty cross, forgetting what my life has cost. wipe away the crimson stain and all nails that still remain. more and more i need you now. i owe you more each passing hour. the battle between grace and pain, i gave up not so long ago. so steal my heart and take the pain. wash the feet and cleanse my pride. take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things i cannot hide . take the beauty, take the tears. sin in so far make it yours. take my world, all of it. take it now, take it now. serve the ones that i despise. take the words i cant deny. watch the world i used to know crumble down and fall away. take my world apart. and i pray... take my world apart... worlds apart.

-j.o.c.

MAKE me lie down in green pastures

so i had planned to write a sort of "rebound" from the last one to convince myself and anyone else that i am doing much better. i dont know how much i'll stick to that but oh well. last weekend sucked. i was by myself a lot and not really in a good position for that, and i guess kinda focused too heavily and too far in advance on things that i didnt need to. but then monday night cleaned a lot of it up. we had the "labyrinth" here at school for spiritual emphasis week, and the actual setup was kinda corny but the idea was powerful and surpassed any misgivings i had walking in. it's a circular, maze-like pathway to walk, except that there is only one choice of paths to follow. walking in to the center is a "shedding" time where you just dump off to jesus all the junk that you're carrying around. then the center is a place to sit and have reflection and "illumination" from christ and just talk to him and let him talk to you. or just be and let him be. then the walk out is a time for "union" when you acknowledge what you have you have just done and process how to heal and stay strong. i went just for the heck of it, a good time with my maker who knows what i'm struggling with and loves me so much, and i walked away with a lightness of heart that i havent experienced for months. basically for me, the walk in centered on fear. the middle time consisted of kind of a running narrative in my head of us as sheep, dumb sheep, in life just here to do our thing while god as the true shepherd guides us along in the way that he knows is the best way... and just like a shepherd has to MAKE his sheep drink clean water and lay and rest in green pastures, god often makes us do what is best if we are open to his guidance. even if this makes no sense, it helped me to clearly see a situation, and what to do with it from the rut that i had fallen into. i had a solid picture of HOPE. HOPE in the midst of an area that i haven't felt anything but fear and pain and pure sickness to the stomach about for months. it was powerful. it allowed me to stand up taller. it allowed me to see things more clearly. and it allowed me to know that even when the sheep do really stupid things, god knows we're sheep and pulls us out of the thorny bushes without punishing us, knowing that the rips the thorns tore in our flesh are punishment enough, and leads us back to the stream and MAKES us lie down and drink. and rest. and he comforts us and makes sure we remember that he was always there, is there now, and always will be there... yeah. that's the god i serve.

hide and go seek

hmmmm. crazy. here i am again. i was thinking about blogs the other day... they're like journals, obviously, and deep down i think everyone wants their journal to be read. even the most secret part of it... by someone who they dont know or even someone that they do, so that someone else will know the deep needs of their heart and hold them while they cry or just say, "you're a special person... different than everyone else" (in a good way). and so plenty of people pour their emotional stuff into a blog, which i think is fine dont get me wrong, but then when something happens and i think "hmm i should write about that online" i have to ask myself why... am i trying to get attention from people? or worse, pity? i love reading blogs to find out what people are up to and how they feel about certain things... but i guess with my own life i feel like my deep down stuff doesnt belong on the world wide web. of course this is coming from someone with chronic trust issues and a first-class "stuffer." i guess my theory has always been that if someone doesn't need to know... don't tell them. sounds simple huh? yeah well you know that it's not. but if you say something to someone, anything from being attracted to someone or being annoyed or that you laughed so hard one time you peed your pants... someone else is going to know. it might be that person's boy/girl friend or best friend or mother who would never say anything and really isn't a part of it to matter whether they know or not... but regardless, another person knows. we just cant hold things inside as humans. for whatever reason, god made us that way (i think). now that's probably all of my cynical anti-trust crap coming out... but it's proved true time after time after time so now i just dont tell people things. and lots of times, i dont listen to others because i dont want to run the risk of saying something of theirs to someone else. yeah. that got me through high school. with basically no close friends. good job, leah. hold that thought.

so i started going to a new church... first time since 8th grade when i started going to first church back home. i've "tried" a couple churches out here but i hate looking. i hate that they jokingly have a label for it here: church shopping. who am i to enter a church and pass my struggling eighteen and a half year old judgment on it. and besides, you end up criticizing every inch of the service to see whether or not it's "right" for you. ugh. suck. i just want to go to my church back home... but, oh yeah, no i dont. i forgot. well to jump ahead i started going to the mercy house, trying not to "try it out" but just to go and tell god that i love him and let him remind me that he loves me more. it's definitely a very genuine place which is more than i can say for the other churches i "checked out." ugh. but yeah- so yesterday matt connor talked about truth. wherever truth is not, there is death. spiritual, emotional, relational (or physical in peter's community...). true, genuine, and christlike community cant be built by people who cant be truthful. so where do you draw the line between telling people the truth about something (not opposed to lying but rather opposed to saying anything at all when maybe you dont need to) for the sake of telling truth, and telling them for the sake of looking for attention and pity. i hate complainers... but i long to do it just about every minute of the day. i neverknow what to say to people who confide in me because i dont want to say something just for the sake of making an awkward silence less awkward, and i usually am just thinking about what they said, not what to say in response... i dont know yet. at the same time i dont want people to necessarily say anything to me if i confide in them (which i usually dont do) but i just want to get it out. ugh. but, i dont. because i dont want people to know whats wrong with me, or what i struggle with. i just want to complain. and have someone tell me that i'm not like every other whiny eighteen year old girl in the world. hmm. well... i'm not. not like all of them. like an unfortunate few, but not all. bummer. poor us. so anyway i hope you are thoroughly annoyed by my negativity and vagueness. it's working, i guess. that just has to do with something that, well, i cant tell you. back to truth. what if the truth that isn't told cant be told? then what? how do you build community then? or if some people know the truth and are helping you through it... what do you do with the rest of the people? you're living a lie but there's nothing you can do about it. suck. sorry- i guess i'm a little bitter. but god loves me. and he knows. and he is holding me tighter than i could ever imagine. i know it, i just have to let myself feel it.

there. i'm sick of living a lie. i guess i still am, but now you know that i am. maybe that takes care of part of it. ..

here i am-- an update

so i'm at college now. and i love it. a lot. we started classes on monday and they are great so far- still in the beginning stages but things'll crack down here pretty soon. i made it into women's ensemble and i have to change my sechedule around a little bit to put that in but i can't go a year without singing. speaking of which- i'm already in a musical! they have a fall musical every year, and auditions are in the spring of the previous year but i guess they needed a few extra townspeople/dancers so they had some last minute auditions last friday (the day after i moved in) and a bunch of us went! there was no time wasted in getting involved haha. well needless to say i made it! we have rehearsal pretty much all this week and us newbies are just kind of jumping in where the rest of the cast is. this week we've been working on the shipoopi number (cake walk and grapevine and everything) and it was soooo much fun. i'm a "teen" in the show which basically means i get to dance but don't get to run around stage with the "ladies." i'd rather dance. there are only four guy teens, and like 8 or 9 girls, but i get to dance with a guy which is sooo much fun because he actually knows how to dance! we don't have those in meadville. the show opens i think sept 30 and runs for two weekends- i think my parents are going to try to come out for it. my dad couldn't come out here to move me in so he really wants to come...plus i guess they miss me a lot... haha they're acting like little kids about it but isaiah had to leave sooner than he thought so we kinda pulled the rug out from under them. oh well now they have 2 fourteen year old boys haha. my roommate is absolutely wonderful- we spend so much time together but manage not to get sick of eathother (yet haha). but we're totally open about stuff so if we just need time then it's cool. she's from st. louis, and actually dated my best friends cousin as awkward as that seems. we have a blast. and it's great because there are always things going on here, and the people are awesome. the atmosphere here really sold it to me. it's so great not to have to worry about so much of the crap that is regular everyday stuff at other colleges...no drunk people in the halls, boys only in dorms at specified times so we know when we need to be aware of them, and most of the people here are christians and happy to be here and ready to do what god wants them to. i seriously love it. like, just knowing that my professors are all christian and i don't have to worry about discussing spiritual stuff with them because they 'could get in trouble' (aka high school).
there are a couple things i'm struggling with...there always are- with everyone or else you're not growing... but something that's kind of tugging at my heart is making sure i'm supposed to be studying theatre/bible instead of music (voice). i love music, especially singing and it's hard to see other people here studying music and voice and learning things that i would give anything to learn.... i guess i just want to have classes in voice, theatre and bible all day long. unfortunately those majors don't fit together too well at universities round here, so i'm just hanging in there and waiting to see what god has for me. i did get into a 'voice for actors' class whichwas kind of an answer to panicked prayer, but i'm still not entirely clear.
i now not only have brittany (my best friend from home) but also my roommate ashley, and my twin, heather. haha i found her-- she's been waiting in indiana all my life! we found eachother on facebook and basically realized we are the same person. she's a theatre major as well so we have lots of opportunities to spend time together. when we're talking, i just stopped telling her when she described herlsef but sounded exactly like she was describing me, because it got to be ridiculous. everything. trust me. kinda crazy. but i really feel like i'm making friends for life here. friends who will definitely last because they understand the way i live my life and feel similarly and passionately about the things that i do. finally, i'm here.

wow...

okay so i realize it's been over six months since i wrote a blog- can you tell how much i LOVE my computer at home?? but now i have a laptop and a college to plug it into so here we go i guess. i seriously have no idea if anyone ever read this in the first place, like everyone always says in their online journal things...but maybe i'll just give people the url and keep them updated about college. eh- i'm sure i'll end up rambling about stuff that means the world to me and nobody else really cares about so they'd probably get bored. oh well.
i was skimming over some of my old entries and just kind of laughing. usually looking back over a period of time you can actually see growth or change...and i feel like yeah sure in the last six months i've changed a lot, but i think i've changed evenmore in the last two months, in the last two weeks. life can be totally crazy. i seriously don't know how people get through it without a god that loves them so much that when they can not turn to a singe soul they can cry out to him and know that he already knows and loves them anyway, and will sit and listen as they get it all off their chest, and will stick right with them every moment of every day until they are completely healed...and even forever after. ugh. how do people do it?
so i'm moving into college tomorrow. i'm sitting on a hotel room floor in anderson indiana typing on my computer by the light coming from the bathroom- classy, i know. my mum and her sister are sleeping in the beds and i don't want to disurb them. i'm nice like that. haha yeah. for any of you who don't know and are actually reading this: i'm going to anderson university (in indiana, obviously) and planning to study theatre and bible. i figured if i'm going to spend that much money on an education, why not go for what i love so that even if i'm poor- i'll be somewhat happy. besides- a message from god saying 'tell the world about me' and a love for theatre and some awesome experiences (not to mention financial bonuses) from AU will put you right about where i am. a hotel floor haha. no- i'm really excited. it's something different than meadville pennsylvania (which, believe me, doesn't say much). besides, some pretty crazy stuff was going on before i left, and it's nice to be able to leave it all behind. it might still be there when i get back- but it's being worked through while i'm gone. god knows what's going on- he never wastes a hurt. superchic(k) says it best: beauty from pain. buy the cd. it's amazing. yeah- lots of things have changed for me and in me lately...someday i'll bore you with all of those details. for now i'm going to go put my pajamas on and get my last night's sleep before i offiicially become a college student.
whoever may possibly be reading this- i love you.

-me

i love you all

so i asked this kid to go prom with me today. it was fun. out of the blue...he thought i was joking. it was really funny. but then he said yes so now i have a really fun person to go to prom with. and he's from my school, which will be kind of a new thing and it will be completely casual and fun. i love people who you can just hang out and goof around with. plus he's a genius. gotta love the smart goofy boys. prom isn't until may, but i didn't want to have to worry about it later. so i decided to ask him in french class. yay it will be fun. plus it's valentine's day and i miss all my children of eden valentine people from last year so i wanted something fun that i could look back on for valentine's day 2005. girls group tonight will be fun- nothing like a bunch of christian girls doing an out of eden study on valentine's day! woo-hoo watch out boys!
my parents and i are headed out to anderson again this weekend. scholars weekend, which means we get lots of free (kind of) stuff and we get to see the opera which i am sooo pumped about. i love going out there so much and this will definitely be my fourth time since july. boo-yah. so if you're at anderson- find me this weekend and say hello : ).
wow my eyes are wigging out lately....they just feel tired all the time even if i actually got more than five hours of sleep. ugh. maybe i'll go take a nap. haha but my mum's all about valentine's day so she's making chicken parmesan (my request) and she made a cake and my dad supposedly got me something (he does every year...i wonder if he still will when i get married haha) and she rented a movie which i probably won't watch (saw it with the group this weekend)...yay i love my family.
lata lata and HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY-- i love you all! (for real...)

don't wait for "somebody else"...they're waiting for you

so...what a crazy day. awesome, but crazy. and kinda weird. i woke up at 7:30 to get ready for auditions at 10:00- i wanted to be semi-warmed up (or just awake) by the time auditions started. they didn't take nearly as long as i thought they might, and i regretted having never taken a tap class in my life. oh well, we'll find out about the shows soon enough, and if i don't get cast/hired, i can go to jamaica and creation and the outer banks and possibly take the full time babysitting job i was offered (which would pay more than the theatre company...). i win either way- it's in god's hands. then i danced with this amazing little girl in the big service tonight. it's so wonderful to do what you were born doing and bring glory to christ with it. i can't even explain the feeling...just go try it. figure out what you love to do, way deep down, what you were made for, and say "god, this one's for you" and mean it. after we danced i ran across the parking lot to the youth building and led worship....it was one of those times where i'm like "god i can't do this on my own- anything i would say would be completely worthless...speak through me." so i was praying and was all fired up anyway from being able to dance and sing for jesus in the same day, and i mentioned some things out of the blue that ended up completely having to do with cliff's message that he gave. it was so cool. all i can say is: god is awesome.
...however, high school is not. this was the not-so-amazing and enjoyable part of the day. for the youth service we watched this video about teens always trying to fit in and the way the world looks at us and the way god wants us to be with others. they had some interviews with some kids, and one of the boys was kinda chubby and they had a clip of him like dropping his lunch box in the cafeteria and he was telling the interviewer that he just never felt like he fit in anywhere and no one liked him or would talk to him....and he didn't really know why. some of the boys were chuckling at him and being like "cuz he's fat" and stuff...oh my gosh i could have freaked out. i just sat there and cried...call me emotional or sentimantal or whatever- but there are so many hurting people that gather in buildings every day from 8 to 3 with hundreds of people who ridicule them, but deep down feel the same way about themselves, and it makes me sick- because no one tries to change it! how many teens are in the U.S. now? millions. hundreds of millions. and how many of us are christians? probably a bigger number than most would think- we're so good at hiding it. "you're the best kept secret in my generation...and i've found you out." let's start a revolution! just CARE about people. go talk to people who are alone. how can we call ourselves followers of jesus christ if we don't do what he tells us or try to act like him...aka loving people despite how "comfortable" we feel while we're doing it. who says serving christ is comfortable? do you think we can affect people and tell them about the amazing freedom and love of having a personal relationship with the creator of the universe by sitting back and thinking "they'll get it on their own...somebody else will tell them....someone else will pick up their books...somebody else will go talk to that boy sitting alone at lunch...someone else will be friends with that pregnant girl...somebody else will make them feel wlecome at youth group..." who will? all the "somebody elses" are thinking the same thing! GET UP, and DO IT. step out. jesus did- and look at all the amazing things that happened. people were getting saved by the thousands every day. and someday we'll get to see those people in heaven. wouldn't you like to know that that overweight lonely boy in your homeroom will spend eternity knowing he's loved by jesus rather than sitting in hell with satan because no one here did what god was screaming in our ears, and thought he was important enough to be told about christ. even if it won't be fun...or easy...or people will think you're weird...or you will lose the 'popularity' you've been working so hard to get. or...i'll do it later. i'll talk to them next week, when i'm not so busy. when i'm not so tired. when i don't have so much homework. when there aren't so many people around. guess what- you don't have all the time in the world. how would you feel if that boy or girl was in a car accident on the way home from school that day? you missed your chance. and so did so many other people....who waited for "someone else" to do it. that's why we're still here. jesus could come back for us right now...but he LOVES us all! he doesn't want to leave anyone behind, but since he gave us freewill, it's up to us to accept him. and the world is so screwed up now that it's so hard to find the truth, so he's given us the job of bringing the people to him through their own freewill- he won't make us. or them. but he knows how hopeless it seems right now, so he's giving us more time to tell more people about him. and what are we doing with our time? worrying about homework? worrying about having enough money to buy the clothes we want to wear? getting all worked up about what so and so thinks of us? giving ourselves pity parties for our own little problems? and i'm not accusing....i'm listing some of my own faults. but something tells me that i'm not the only one struggling with this...because the world isn't exactly getting any better. especially young people. and not because we're horrible people, but just because, saved or not, we're lied to every single day about what matters and how we should spend our time and about faith. get past the lies. don't listen to a world that tells you that you should do whatever feels right for you and you should focus on all of your own problems and expect everyone else to do the same....has it worked so far? swim against the current, find some people who can help you keep swimming, and start caring about OTHER PEOPLE. work hard now, so that we can all celebrate together FOREVER in heaven, in the presence of the god who loves us more than we can ever know, and living perfect worry-free lives. we don't deserve that any more than anyone else. so why are we keeping it a secret?

learning...learning...learned.....learning...learning...

so i've learned a lot. i always seem to, but it's not me- it's totally god. as mr. ferraro says, "life is a series of problems. you're either just recovering from one, in the midst of one, or headed toward the next one." but as disheartening as that sounds, it's a reason for hope. life is like that for everyone, but those who have come to know christ as our best friend and the one who saves us don't have to worry about problems. i'm not saying problems won't happen- believe me they will- but they shouldn't make us worry. god is right at our side and tells us that he is working everything out for our good (if we love him). if that isn't uplifting, i don't know what is. and so if we're guaranteed to spend life going from one problem to another, we may as well learn from them and take something with us to help us handle the next, or help others as they go through something too. i feel like i could sit here forever and reflect on all the stuff that's been happening (good and bad) and that god would show me even more just by my writing it down. he just keeps reminding me how awesome he is, and that he wants me to share it all with him. wow. so anyway...

i got my scholarship. i've been praying nonstop for the last like three weeks just that everyone involved would look to god in deciding on these scholarships, and from there, if i was supposed to get one, that i would. and i did- 11 grand a year for four years. "god can do so much more than we could ever imagine or dream of..." and i got a tiny part in the high school musical...that was an interesting experience. but hey- back to prayer- i had been praying for god to help me with my problems with selfishness and pride...so he did. it's kind of hard to be selfish when you're watching other people rehearse the parts you would have liked...but it teaches you a thing or two about humility, andultimately it'll work out quite nicely. because then, god likes to say "come on- i love you so much, did you think i was finished?" this summerstock opportunity opens up at one of our community theatres (summer stock is basically a lot of theatre in a short amount of time), and it's with a professional company which means PAID POSITIONS! that's basically unheard of in pennsylvania unless you're in pittsburgh or philly. i would pretty much sing and dance my heart out for a month- performing a different show every week (8 showings a week from wed to sunday) and meanwhile be rehearsing for the next one. we will also be traveling to the other two theaters that are involved (one in the pocono's--i could take pictures and send them to dewey!!!-- and one outside of philly). housing is provided, all we would pay for is our food, and the salary for an ensemble member is $200-$250 a week. i would be the happiest person on the face of the earth. i just have to make sure that i would be back in time to go to anderson in august. i don't have all the details yet, but it would be amazing. auditions are this saturday (the 12th) so maybe you could holla up to jesus about that one for me- if it's his will, aww dude it would be unbelievable.
on a more serious note- i've given up something that was dragging me down. not going to go into detail, but there was something that i was trying to see through god's eyes, but was really seeing god through the eyes of how i wanted it to happen. and that doesn't work....and it was taking its toll. one of those times when you think you're right on track...but it still hurts so much! so you realize that you were totally missing the point because you thought you had it all under control....but that's just it- YOU thought YOU had it under control, when god's saying, "i love you and know what's best for you- let me show you how to do this and you will have a peace about it." so i did. and he did. i shed a few tears and told him i was serious this time- that i was done with letting it hold me back from all that god has waiting for me in this life. and even just driving home after the awesome service on sunday (in the glorious weather- i had my window down and my music blaring) i felt so free whenever i thought of the things that even that morning had made me feel like i would never find a way out. god is awesome. and i don't deserve the things he does for me because i've messed up so many times, and i know i'll mess up so many more times, but that's what the word GRACE is all about. he loves us more than our human minds can perceive....so much that if we mess up, he's waiting for us to say "god i did it again, i'm sorry..." and run to his open arms. yeah...that's the kind of god i serve.

been a while

wow so about the last few weeks being absolutely insane. i feel like i've been living in a whirlwind. and not a fun one. almost every night in the last two weeks i kept a record of no more than 5 hours of sleep (average of about 2-3) a night...that was fun. it was my own fault- doing make up work for the end of the semester that i had just never done. and in six classes there were assignments i just didn't turn in- it would be like 4 am and i would just give up. so sue me. i'm going to school for theatre and god has led me to a school already. i guess i can give ortake a paper here and there. it's what isaiah's been telling me for years but who takes advice from him?

this past weekend was a four day one due to semester change and teacher inservice....i was so ready to just relax and see my friends (whom i have not seen for like three weeks) and hang out with other people and start reading my english book early so i wouldn't have to ruch around anymore....yeah, then my mum's uncle had a heart attack thursday morning and passed away so we left for pittsburgh friday night and didn't come back until this morning. it was so sad. he was a really strong christian and all so it's lovely to think of him up there chillin' with jesus, but his wife is absolutely heartbroken. so if you read this, send up a little prayer or two (her name's ruth). the viewings and funeral were okaythough- lots of happy memories being passed around. and it was so lovely seeing all of the family that we only see at christmas and the reunion in august (at a park-- we have a big family). but needless to say i didn't do any of my homework other than what i managed to get done friday afternoon before we left. we got home this morning and i had this strange inclination to go to school for the second half of the day. our blood drive is tomorrow and i'm kind of in charge of it but i had typed up a 2 page instruction sheet for today for my 'second in command' or whatever in case i wouldn't be in school today. plus i had rehearsal after school and i didn't want to miss a.p. english. yeah- going to school today= worst decision in the world. all i accomplished was to get a bunch more work that i will not do tonight because i still have to do the work from the weekend when i was at the funeral, went to a rehearsal and learned a song i already knew, took the wrong way home from cambridge (somehow) and got home with only enough time to eat dinner and start outlining a paper before i had to get ready for dance...and here i am with absolutely nothing to show for today. i could have stayed home and taken a nap, done homework, got caught up, and gone in tomorrow and gotten the new work load with an extra day to turn it in. no more of that. if god gives me a free day to catch up- i'm taking it. well, like i said- blood drive tomorrow so i won't be in any classes, but teachers have this weird preconceived notion that i'm organized or responsible or something so they'll probably expect some work from me anyway. i'll just finish this paper on evolution (yay...) and take it with me. ugh- i have to get up at 5:30 tomorrow....but hey i get a free breakfast at family ties (if i'm allowed to drive- more freezing rain supposedly) so that will be lovely. i'm starting to get what my mum came down with this morning on the way home from pitt so i'll just try not to breathe on any of the sanitary stuff at the blood drive tomorrow.

wow this all sounds so depressing- i'm actually in a fairly good mood because this will be a semi-easy week and jesus loves me a whole lot. and our band's playing at lyona this friday and i might finally get to go see a movie with my friend in erie. and i spent a lot of time making relationships with family this weekend and that meant a lot. now all i have to work on is my little brother. i seriously try....ugh. the devil still thinks he has a hold on me. well- i've read the book and believe me- we come out on top.

don't feed the plants!

hey anderson kiddies- i'll be there on saturday (scholarship interview)- it would be lovely to see you! i have the evening to just hang out and i miss you all!

so break was kinda crazy....i did just about no homework but then stayed up insanely late the night before school started getting caught up- which just led into two weeks of not sleeping at all and trying to get work done. it's what i should be doing right now- there's constantly about four things i should be doing, but I've had between 1 and a half and 5 hours of sleep every night this week due to homework and i just want to finish this, read the bio lab and english short stories and then go to bed. haha okay never mind i guess the lazy thing doesn't work anyway. i seriously need to get more sleep though.
auditions for penncrest musical were yesterday. that always makes things interesting. it's fun being a senior for music related things at school because everybody kinda looks up to you. the directors had me go first- don't know if that was planned or not. i knew the part by heart because i'm a nerd and know the whole show already but then some of the girls got all freaked out and thought we weren't allowed to use music. nervous girls at an audition always make an interesting group. anyway- they went well and i think i have a fairly good chance at audrey or one of the doo-wop girls... theater's one of those things that i have the most trouble giving to god. i had theater before i had god (even though he had me), but it's not a habit i'm trying to get rid of or anything...i'm going to use it for the rest of my life and i've decided to let him use it for his work--and it's very exciting but it's a daily struggle. especially for something like a high school show where i would love to have a certain part and worry that maybe i'll get cast as someone else or that things won't work out for whatever reason. but that doesn't matter. half the kids who'll be in the show won't have any idea of what christ did for them and what it actually means, and yet i manage to worry about which part i'll get. ugh. that's why i'm going straight to a christian school to study theatre instead of a theatre school followed by grad work in ministry...because i don't want to let myself get into it for the wrong reasons. from the very beginning i want it to be for christ...NOT me. theatre is such a selfish profession- only god can change that . it will be a daily struggle even after college i'm sure, but i wouldn't be happy/successful (maybe not by the world's standards but who caress?) doing anything else...it's what i was created for. and that's such an amazing feeling- to know why you're on this planet. it seems like every teenager wonders at some point or another "why are we here?...why am i here?" and let me just tell you- god made each of us to do a specific thing that only we can do...and if you ask him to help you find it and start working toward it, life takes on a whole meaning. but, obviously, that doesn't necessarily mean it gets easier- just easier to handle knowing that the god who made the whole universe is on your side. you don't have to go through it on your own. *sigh* i wish i could get this through my head. it's like, a minute by minute thing that goes back and forth. i just want to live for god- give him everything i have because it doesn't mean anything if i just try to use it for whatever i feel like. i want my drama to become about the people that god is reaching through it...not what part i get or how well i sing. i just want to leave myself behind and let god's amazing unconditional love shine through me to everyone around so they can spend forever and ever in the real heaven with their creator. haha...sure it's "hard" and "uncomfortable" at times, but who says serving god is comfortable? it's what comes from it later that is important- telling people the truth that god has shown you so that they can learn what you are learning. okay i guess i'm kind of starting to repeat myself, but this is how it goes through my head. i keep reminding myself of the joy i have when i'm doing drama for christ...it means so much more than any number of lead roles or dance sequences. well, there's my heart i guess. do with it what you want. but trust god with yours. he's the only one who knows how to take care of it.

**no more memories no more silent tears. no more gazing across the wasted years....**

we don't always have to understand

well christmas break is gone. my last one in high school. rock on. but these next 6 months are going to be soooo long. everyone keeps assuming that hey i'm a senior- i'm almost done- it'll go so fast. not at the rate things are going now. if i keep up my losing streak (like physically losing possessions...in this case, homework) then this semester will be much longer than even i anticipated. and i keep realizing that a bunch of scholarship stuff probably should have been taken care of before break...and now it may be too late. darn letters of recommendation. who needs to be recommended for a scholarship? no just kidding, but my procrastination has really paid off...or not paid in this case. wow okay so enough with the bad puns. my philosophical thought of the day....boys. what's up with them? i just don't understand. but i guess they don't really understand us either. whoever tries to pull the whole 'we're created the same but society raises us differently and instills different values and expectations and ruins our true identity' crap needs to just go observe a guy and a girl together and read their thoughts. definitely different wavelengths going on or something. spaghetti vs. waffles hahaha. i think that of all the areas we struggle with in seeking god, the most prevalent and distorted one is that which concerns the opposite sex. i know i rambled on for way too long about that in an earlier entry but i just keep being reminded of it. and it's something that i struggle with....more of a "god what on earth are you doing??" but he's got it under control. we're here on the lower stage, he's up in the upper stage and he has all kinds of thing going on. so i'll just try to be patient and wait to see how everything fits together. but what really matters i guess is what you do in the meantime. sitting around and waiting for things to 'come together' will accomplish nothing for the kingdom of god and leave you pretty bored as well. but hey, time flies when you're...busy. well that's my version of the cliche but it's true. so now is the time to just get out there and ACCOMPLISH something. not like this break when the most ministry i did was arriving almost late for a service i was supposed to lead worship for. well i hope somebody was blessed by this weekend's music....i felt a little jipped because playing for all three services robs me of my own in-service worship time (believe me- it's not the worship time for the worship leaders when they're up on stage...they're there to lead you). i'll just have to make it up this week on my own :-) anyway...yeah, doing something. high school makes that so hard. i've realized that if i spent as much time each day reading my bible and hanging out with god as i did complaining/worrying about homework (not doing homework...time used for that is basically nonexistent), not only would i be much more relaxed (and actually do the homework rather than wigging out about it) but i would get so much more done (homework or otherwise). i would in essence have more time. or at least allow god to show me how to use it more wisely. it's like tithing....it doesn't quite make sense in our minds for us to give 10 percent of all the money we get to his awesome plan, in order to live better. wouldn't we live better on 100 percent than 90? but god doesn't think like we do, and he's the one who created this world and decided how it would work. so if he says, "yes- i know it sounds weird but trust me...give 10 percent of the money you get to my perfect plan of telling the world how much i love them, and you will live better on the 90 percent than you would ever have lived on the 100 percent!" now i don't have an income to speak of...maybe i'm a bad witness to all of this but whether it's physical money or not...if god promises you you're gonna live better, you'll live better! maybe it'll just be your job conditions. or (because anyone who's reading this (if anyone reads this...) probably isn't in the 'work force' yet, maybe it'll just be a clearer approach toward schooling, or finding christian friends that will love and support you. god's pretty creative (he made the world...that had to take some imagination) and he loves to bless us, so put those two things together and wham-o --cool blessings. and that's what it's all about. showing god how much you love him by trusting him with things you don't understand, and giving him all kinds of praise when he comes through and holds up to his promises (because you know he will). i don't know about you...but that's the kind of god i serve. so how i got here from complaining about the male race i have no idea, but hey, god works in mysterious ways *winkwink*. so, have a great week-- high schoolers going back to school and collegers with one more week of freedom. and if you have time, watch napoleon dynamite because it's hysterical (and if you're confused, don't worry- it's not supposed to have a plot).
oh and by the way...i still think boys are weird ;-)