let's cut all this out.
i'm sorry for the internet wars. i was too angry and scared to do anything in the physical world.
let's meet and talk in person.
call or text.

shalom.

thoughts and words

a lot to say. not enough words. because there's always too many words. so maybe i'll stop using so many. words.
tonight= thinking.

coming soon: thoughts and words about entitlement.

lies.

i've learned over the last few months that i'm a liar. it really does start with little ones, because you don't realize you're lying when you do it. in my case, if someone asks me a question and it catches me off-guard, i give whatever response i think is the "right" one, them in theory, i would go back and correct it when i realized what my true response is. but i don't go back. or i explain something to someone, but i don't have the emotional strength to explain it in its full detail so i give a shorter version. and the listener believes it. which means i can give that version to other people and it will be credible. then there's part of the story or explanation that no one ever knows. or, in recent cases, i'm so worried that whatever the whole truth is will hurt someone so bad, or make them so mad, or remind them that i'm not enough, or remind them that they're not enough, or just fuck up the whole situation beyond repair... that i just don't say it.

i've also learned how much damage that has caused. but i'm still not sure that the total damage of not being truthful would be more than the total damage if i had hurt, angered, explained, reminded.

i'm sure there's an in-between of telling truth to bring life... of telling the truth when needed, just being aware of those around you and their feelings. i'm not sure how to find it.

and when you get really good at smoothing things over and avoiding (for the time being) conflict... then it's a really hard decision to make a life-style change that will bring that conflict back.

now you all know, i guess.
and that's embarrassing.
but i guess that's the point.

honesty (not mine)

i had a really good. real. conversation the other day. with my boyfriend. he's all i talk about on this thing.
he realized something about me. and told me. and i tried very hard not to get defensive. which was part of the whole idea. i learned a lot. because he is one of the only people i have EVER met who can be honest with people he cares about and does it well... and is right.

i don't know if i want to change. and that terrifies me.
i think i would change it for him before i would change it for myself.
that sounds unhealthy.
which unhealthy is worse.

that seems like most of the decisions i'm making lately... choose the best of a few bad options.


i'm only taking 12 hours of classes this semester. that feels really good.

Mr. Crohns and Mrs. Graves

i'm making a million phone calls. to hospitals, clinics, offices. i'm taking my dad to the hospital. ryan's taking me. i try to take him. we now both have "named-after-the-man-who-found-it" diseases. what does that mean?
well, it means laughing first of all. because who does that?? seriously.
it means not using them as excuses. no more blaming laziness on symptoms (that's me, not him).
it means lots of medicine. daily pills every morning and evening for both of us.
who needs to grow old together when you can fill eachothers' weekly pill containers now?
it means insurance. which is impossible in this country right now.
it means jobs that will provide insurance... most likely not theatre. or gas stations. or low income jobs that keep our pride in place with the starving world around us.
it means even harder times to pay off mountains of debt. while more debt is piled on top with uninsured medical expenses.
it means good days and bad days, and telling the difference.
it means sick days and sad days, and getting through them together.
it means understanding eachother when no one else can.
it means knowing what the other needs and when, and how they need it.
it means knowing when to be still.
it means crying. and holding.
it means bringing us together more strongly than we would have ever imagined.
it means being together.
and love. it means love.

I'm so sick of hospitals

To all of my friends who have been involved with my crazy life over the last month:
First of all-- thank you so much for supporting me through this time. I've always been on the other end of tragedy, so you all have been SUCH an amazing blessing to me in this time of receiving support. Also, anyone who had a hand helping me get to Pittsburgh last week, my mom sends love and more gratitude than she could ever express-- her and I could not have gotten through those days without eachother.

The most recent update is that the biopsy from the tissue removed during my dad's colon cancer surgery came back as whatever the type of cancer is that has not and will never spread (Type I maybe?). So he is now cancer free and with an almost guaranteed chance of it never returning. He got through last week with such a peace that he, even a sometimes cynic, attributed to the thoughts and prayers of all of our loved ones. Thank you. He should be out of the hospital within the next week.

The most recent update on my own situation is this: on Monday I was almost definitely diagnosed with Graves Disease. As many of you know, I've been struggling with heart and breathing problems, among other symptoms, and they all match perfectly with this rare disease that is not as serious as it sounds. Graves causes Hyperthyroidism, which in this case begins by the white blood cells thinking the thyroid gland is foreign, and attacking it. To defend itself, the thyroid creates a hormone that makes it work extra hard to stay intact. This then causes everything else to overwork-- my heart , my lungs, my muscles, my eyes... so this one disorder has caused pretty much any health problem I've ever had. The treatment that has been recommended to me is a Radioactive Iodine Treatment that will be an out-patient procedure and should put the problem into remission and keep me on pills for the rest of my life. And after this procedure, I'll talk slower!!!

This may have been more information than you wanted, but many of you have been asking. Your thoughts and prayers are SO helpful as we try to figure out insurance, healing, and the future. You all mean a great deal to me, and I've learned this week that I can't survive without my friends. Thank you.

better than i could say it

"to make faith something to do, to live, and to not praise yourself for having."

yeah, that's why i fell in love with him 4 years ago.