summer and way too many restaurants

this is more recent.... an attempt at some honesty here. im usually not very good at that (about myself).

in case any of you were wondering... im at home. not in anderson doing summer courses. the script writing class was cancelled and to make a long story short, my mum offered to just come get me the day before i was supposed to move out and i took her up on it. but i was relying on going back to indianapolis in june for an internship at a church out there... but then i got this email:

Leah, I'm sorry it took so long to get back with you. I talked with the worship arts pastor about the internship. After discussing with him, and looking at the aim of the internship this summer is not going to happen. Apparently the worship arts ministry area isn't as equiped to bring in interns as i had thought. I work with other ministry areas and assumed that all of them were equally equiped to bring in more people and mentor them in such away that the would develop as leaders. As of now there is not a drama aspect to the worship arts ministries, when we had talked it was in the makings and i thought that it would be put into action by now but because of several reasons it has not yet. In the fall this process will begin. Because of all this it would not be fair to you to ask you to come and try to on your own with very little staff support and mentorship try to get a drama ministry started. Leah, The reason we can't bring you in has nothing to do with you. You are a solid individual and i am not the onlt person upset about not being able to bring you in for an internship in the area of drama. I would have loved to be able to work alongside and with you in this process this summer. Next summer we will have a drama ministry begun at our church that should be able to really develop someone with your passions and interest. if you are still interested in such an opportunity you would be more than welcomed. God has great things in your present and future. If you have any further questions or anything feel free to email me.



sooooooo... maybe not. and im kinda frustrated. not just about the internship. ok so to be completely honest- im really frustrated about this summer. i dont know what the heck im going to be doing, and i feel like any control i was attempting to give back to god just fell through the floor and the outcome of this summer was dumped back into my lap… and i dont want it any more. im trying to give him back control, and i feel like he's not taking it. although thats not completely true, because all of these decisions that ive made have been.. .mine. ive decided. i just DO NOT WANT TO STAY IN MEADVILLE ALL SUMMER. and its really nothing against meadville. i have some amazing friends here. and if i stay i can work and make more money, i can travel, i can go to the beach with my family, i can see my friends, etc... but i only have a few summers to go out and do wild and crazy things (or at least learning experiences that dont pay whole lot...). i was looking into church internships, theatre internships, camps, classes... but everything seems to be falling through. and i know that if i stay home i might actually find myself sitting still long enough to think about getting back on track from this inescapable crappiness. but i feel like being in meadville for the summer could hinder more than help that movement anyway.who knows. i'll look back at this later and think, 'oh yeah i remember when i was all ticked off and didnt know what that summer was gonna look like.' not sayng that by then it will have all worked out well, but at least i will know the end of the story by then. what really did (will?) happen this summer. oh boy.

church? really?

ok so this was written last week. deal with it.

so im going to that michigan conference thing this week. whoa. i definitely thought it was in like two or three weeks. but no. its this wednesday and thursday. and cliff and brent are both going… neither of which ive seen much since christmas. this could be interesting. i hope things are as ok as they can be, because then they'll be really fun. and the conference is all about worship through the arts (major ones- drama, music, media…) so if i actually get this internship then i'll be all fresh and ready to try things from this week while im there. watch out indianapolis. yeah. this summer will be interesting because i've already made a huge switch over the last year from being all about theatre as a solid ministry, to hating the idea of theatre in a church. basically to not being big on the idea of church in general- not the true meaning of it, but just what it has come to represent. these megachurches in suburbia where people can get their weekly god-fill and their daily starbucks-modern-architecture fill all in one fun filled morning or afternoon, depending on which of the eight services they go to. but oh yeah. i go to a church that is quickly becoming that. and people are being changed. i think. the lord is moving. i think. kids are learning how to make right decisions. i think. i know that im making huge judgment calls… but i guess i just want to explore both extremes before i settle somewhere in the informed middle? thats why i want this internship. to see if these megachurch/nondenominational-is-the-only-way-to-be/casual-but-in-style/mochachino-bookstore-candyland-for-children are really working. and how they do it if they do work. this might be just the thing to reach our coffee and media saturated suburban america, and maybe the multitudes really are being saved. to each his own. play the hymns on the organ in the one room chapels for the old folk and bust out the amplifiers and powerpoints for the young folk who relate that way. i like music to be loud enough so that im not selfconscious about the volume of my singing. i think i maybe feel guilty for liking parts of modern megachurch? why? i have no idea. maybe i feel like the money should be spent on other things… but then how do you justify saving all the homeless if all the upper-middle class people are oblivious and going to hell? ok, so have the crazy committed people live in communities of service together to help the people who need it and leave the megachurches to reach suburbia? who knows. this is what i want to find out. and theatre? well i think for now i'll just keep doing shows like moonlight and valentino and jake and jenny that at least catch people with their defenses down and make them think. theatre that changes the soul?

they call me the six year old...

I would to heaven that I were so much clay,
As I am blood, bone, marrow, passion, feeling—
Because at least the past were pass’d away
And for the future—(but I write this reeling,
Having got drunk exceedingly to-day,
So that I seem to stand upon the ceiling)
I say—the future is a serious matter—
And so—for God’s sake—hock and soda-water!

That was written on the back of Lord Byron’s manuscript of Canto I for Don Juan. It made me laugh a lot. I really wish that I was a poet. Not one that writes songs and interesting new ways to look at life and love, but the old fashioned kind whose life depended on spitting out rhymes and verse and comedy and tragedy. With some people it just comes naturally, so who am I to try and fake it?
Interesting time today- I decided to go through my clothes. I have all kinds of clothes left over from my previous life that sit in drawers and wait for me to come home and play with them again. I rarely do. And this weekend I brought all kinds of new clothes home with me, and there simply was not enough room to add the old and new together. So I went through all of them and kept some and threw some out. As any girl should know, when you go through old stuff, you get all excited and want to play with it again… well clothes are no different. So after about seven different combinations of clothes just for fun, I ended up wearing this amazing purplish hippie skirt, a white beater like normal, and this huge black belt on my hips as the defining line where my shirt stopped and the skirt began. And to top it all off, my hair went through some odd transformations until eventually landing in a topsy turvy ponytail! Once again, girls PLEASE tell me you know what I’m talking about. I mean how early 90’s can we get? So I’m running around my room which is completely strewn over with clothes from the last five to ten years of my life and listening to all my music (mostly showtunes) on ‘random’ through my sub-woofer I figured out how to connect to my laptop. And of course you can’t listen to showtunes without acting them out, so I was flipping almost instantaneously from Jesus Christ Superstar to Wicked to Into the Woods and back. Oh, and with a little bit of Mariah Carey in there *wink*. Then I stopped to read a little bit of Don Juan but was completely interrupted by my cat who was standing outside the glass door to the kitchen with a mouse hanging from her mouth meowing as best she could and wanting to come in. I laughed and told her to be quiet and that I was NOT going to let her in but thanks for the present anyway. By then I couldn’t focus on Lord Byron so I gave up. It’s still raining. And I’m still wearing the skirt. Welcome to the little child randomness that is me at home.

day. week. month. year.

im moving out of college this week. to an apartment down a few streets. i get to really be a grownup now. money and food and transportation and responsibilities and nobody really telling me what to do. funny. thats what people expect to find when they go to college in the first place. i'll be in anderson taking classes until june 2nd-ish then im moving to indianapolis to intern in worship and drama at church at the crossing for june and july. i may not be home until august. weird. but im strangely excited about it. its an adventure. and i never really liked meadville. in case you didnt notice.

we had our 'academy awards' for the theatre department tonight, and i was told that the adjudicators who came to moonlight and valentino had nominated me as one of two (out of the four amazing girls in that cast) to receive an irene ryan award and now i get to compete in illinois in january at a week long theatre conference with ACTF. also, someone whose theatre work i admire very much is interested in being the "partner" i need to choose to help me compete... it was an honor to me just for him to be interested. wow. interesting day.

my days are so long. not necessarily long and tiresome, just LONG. ifeel like ive lived through six months in the last two weeks. three weeks in the last three days. it's monday. saturday night the world fell apart, sunday i felt like i was dealing with a death, and now its monday. except all of that feels so long ago.

i have so much i need to do- and absolutely no motivation to do it. my best friend is leaving. for a long time if not for good. we've literally spent every day together since at least spring break, and our relational levels keep growing and changing with every 78 hour day. but she's leaving anderson for home or mission year or maybe something else. i dont know if i can say goodbye. i dont make close friends well, and i keep them even worse. this is trying everything i have in me. only a few more days. and i feel like so much has to happen in them. well, if each day continues to last upwards of 80 hours, then we should be okay.

without a shovel.

i feel like there is so much going on that i cant even stop to think about it. im getting numb. no. i dont think thats it. there are just so. many. things. at once. i dont know what to do with them.

i hit bottom. whatever this 10 month hellhole ive been living in was accomplishing... it's over. no. i wish it was over. i just finally slammed into the brick wall that gives me no choice but to turn around and start trying to climb back to life. the brick wall was jesus i guess. i ve been avoiding him for long enough. i couldnt do it anymore. i had let myself forget how much sense life doesnt make when its lived without him. it hurt. it hurts. and its going to keep hurting while i rip myself out of the place ive made for myself. i hope that all my skin isnt left behind in the hole.

im in a show. i play a character a lot like myself. doesnt talk about things. doesnt want help. just wants someone to pursue her enough for her to be able to convince herself that its their fault, not hers, that things are brought up. and its all about relationships. which i know oh so much about... not. but its hitting staright home with a lot of people, so thats been really neat to be a part of theatre that really does change the soul. its what i live for.

speaking of relationships, i had three people indirectly tell me that i would be "fun to date" this week. how random is that? and what does that even mean? i probably would be fun to date because i avoid talking about anything that matters so we could have a happy-go-lucky run around barefoot dancing in the rain acting like little kids relationship with no confrontation and very little commitment. sounds like fun.... for about five minutes. thats why i dont date people- im definitely not ready. i dont know how. i dont know how to be real with people. i dont know how to have healthy relationships. but i realize all this... and im trying to save other people from it. but hey, at least it might be fun...