without a shovel.

i feel like there is so much going on that i cant even stop to think about it. im getting numb. no. i dont think thats it. there are just so. many. things. at once. i dont know what to do with them.

i hit bottom. whatever this 10 month hellhole ive been living in was accomplishing... it's over. no. i wish it was over. i just finally slammed into the brick wall that gives me no choice but to turn around and start trying to climb back to life. the brick wall was jesus i guess. i ve been avoiding him for long enough. i couldnt do it anymore. i had let myself forget how much sense life doesnt make when its lived without him. it hurt. it hurts. and its going to keep hurting while i rip myself out of the place ive made for myself. i hope that all my skin isnt left behind in the hole.

im in a show. i play a character a lot like myself. doesnt talk about things. doesnt want help. just wants someone to pursue her enough for her to be able to convince herself that its their fault, not hers, that things are brought up. and its all about relationships. which i know oh so much about... not. but its hitting staright home with a lot of people, so thats been really neat to be a part of theatre that really does change the soul. its what i live for.

speaking of relationships, i had three people indirectly tell me that i would be "fun to date" this week. how random is that? and what does that even mean? i probably would be fun to date because i avoid talking about anything that matters so we could have a happy-go-lucky run around barefoot dancing in the rain acting like little kids relationship with no confrontation and very little commitment. sounds like fun.... for about five minutes. thats why i dont date people- im definitely not ready. i dont know how. i dont know how to be real with people. i dont know how to have healthy relationships. but i realize all this... and im trying to save other people from it. but hey, at least it might be fun...