forward

when i decide, realize, or want something to happen... i make it happen.
that simple.
i don't know if that's good or bad.
it's progressive.
but im afraid i bulldoze over things sometime.
like people.

and then when something doesn't happen, i wonder if i really wanted it.

we all live in the shawnee submarine

really tired.
opened a show tonight. (stage managing)
it went really well. the audience loved it. i was very proud of everyone who helped make it happen.
boring phone conversation with the boyfriend. im absolutely crazy about him. im sick of long distances.
no days off on the horizon?
getting paid tomorrow and sending all of it to pay my overdue speeding ticket?
loving the people here but missing family and the folks back in anderson a LOT.
more weddings and babies coming soon.
got a buzz from smoking a cigarette and sang along to lisa's songs around the fire.

it's summertime at summerstock.

weddings and roadtrips

so i went to the wedding. i was a basketcase every time i imagined not being there, and knowing that i'd be missing it for a few backstage jobs for one day that could be covered by some of the amazing peopleim working with, i decided to cover all my bases and hope for the best. i got the final ok on friday night around 11:45 pm, borrowed a dress, packed a bag, tried unsuccessfully to sleep, and left at 5 am that morning. i drove straight to meadville, stopped at perkins to freshen up in the bathroom from the 9 hour drive, called ryan to see where he was (he had no idea that i was on my way to the wedding) and showed up at the church just as they were all getting dressed. he looked at me and waved then turned away, then looked back and just stared, then shook his head and smiled. i have a way of making ridiculous things happen, like getting 500 miles to a wedding without my car or any plan. a paycheck's worth of gas, a car lent by a true friend, and a bag of pretzels later, i was there. i got to meet most of ryan's family, hear his hilarious and sweet best man's toast, dance the night away with him, hang out with his cousins who i've known for years, and drive back to indiana the next morning with him (in two separate cars). im exhausted, i hate roadtrips for at least a month, and i dont want to eat a pretzel ever again, but it was so worth it.

the show im stage managing starts tech this week. that means goes into dress rehearsals and all the stuff that the stage manager is in charge of. im excited for that.

one of my roommates got engaged this weekend. we saw it coming, but it's nice to know it's finally here and i cant wait to experience the next year with her.

tomorrow's my day off. im going to sleep in.

a few thoughts and a sigh

im missing the wedding of two of my close friends (and maybe family) this weekend. for theatre.
im missing the extended family beach trip. for the second year in a row. for theatre.
im spending a summer away from the boy it took me five years to get a hold of. for theatre.
im going to bed late and getting up early and watching other people get to act. for theatre.

i love this art.
im just having a discouraged phase.
it may be a long summer. for theatre.

driving is a gas... literally

i got to perform in the musical this weekend. it was amazing. i actually felt like i was doing summerstock for the sake of acting. but now it's over. and i'm back to stage managing. and that makes me very sad.
ryan was here. it was weird and messed with my whole perception of reality but it also kept me sane and reminded me that i am a person with thoughts and feelings and relationships outside of a two building field in bloomfield indiana. we spent my day off yesterday in bloomington (ps-- total hippie town! nobody even looked twice at his dreads or my pink hair- still leftover from the musical) and we walked around outside and ate yummy food ALL DAY and it was the best day i've had in a LONG time. but this morning he left for anderson, then PA, and i won't see him for at least 2 weeks, probably more like 3 or 4. and that makes me very sad.
i haven't paid my speeding ticket, and i just used all my money to get me here, ryan here and back, and both of us to PA a few times. gas is a bitch. i don't spend money on anything else. like, literally. i eat the community food in the housing kitchen (ive been eating hors d'eouvres and taco ingredients for seven days) and don't buy or do anything... just drive all over creation in my little honda civic hatchback with only one working door.

and i have a feeling that not a whole lot is going to change anytime soon.

two of my friends are getting married this weekend. to eachother. i love them and wish i could be there more than anything. they started dating 4 years ago in my backyard. i know, cute.

summerstock

greetings from bloomfield indiana everyone.

my calendar tells me ive been here since Monday evening but my head and heart feel like ive been here for weeks. it's nuts here, guys. like, you don't even know. Sunday, the theatre flooded and the whole company (30ish) moved out of the dorms and into a mansion owned by one of the theatre's board members for a few days. indoor tennis courts, indoor pool, 7 bedrooms, 3 living rooms, HUGE basement, so that's the scene i arrived to on Monday. Tuesday morning we started rehearsing for the play i'm stage managing and i started to get really discouraged about seeing everyone else act and knowing i'd be behind the scenes all summer. by Tuesday afternoon, one of the ensemble members in godspell (the show that opens this week) was diagnosed with tonsilitis and they sat me down and offered me an understudy role (for those of you not in theatre, that means i learn all of her lines, songs, choreography, etc. in case she can't perform).

i jumped into the runthru Tuesday night with only a script and a few blocking notes and apparently impressed the hell out of everyone by jumping around and singing all her parts perfectly and making all of her goofy characters huge and my own style... basically the director (who's the producer for the whole company) said afterward that i am "fucking fearless!" it was a very exciting night. i spent the next day in one on one choreo and music rehearsals in the mansion, then Wednesday moved into housing (an L shaped dorm building with 2 bathrooms, a communal kitchen, etc.) where i share a room with an au friend, and showed up at the theatre Thursday night to do a full costume, makeup, and tech dress rehearsal as this new part (still not knowing for sure if i'd be needed to perform for an audience yet). it was my second time through the show and didn't use my script and only missed one moment of acting (ps-- let me explain this show-- it is a judas character, a jesus character, and 8 ensemble members who are on stage from the opening number to the closing song. jesus teaches and we all play different parts of parables and sing solo songs and dance to everything and move the whole set by ourselves-- it's CONSTANT. and our version is set in a circus and i play a clown and i have the most amazing costumes and face paint ever!).

after that rehearsal, the director pulled me aside and said that even the girl i'm standing in for feels better, he's going to let me perform at least once this weekend because i've "earned it." she's still not feeling well so i'm stepping in for Sat and Sun, and she'll take all of next week. whew. AND all this time ive been stage managing in the mornings and some afternoons. i stop to eat. i've barely talked to ryan, i forget that another world even exists, this place is every minute, every day, theatre and switching from show to show and living with all theatre people...

but at least now i get to perform once (other than a baby eating vampire in dracula). and i've shown everyone that i'm an actor/singer not really a stage manager. that means a lot to me. so now i'm trying to organize getting ryan down here for a show this weekend (if anyone else is interested in driving 2 and 1/2 hours, the show is VERY high quality and lisa and i are in it the whole time. (saturday evening and Sunday matinee). so yeah-- theatre is my life right now. it's a good trial. see if i like it THIS much. see if ryan and i can survive through it. see if i keep my sanity. this has been four days... im here until August. here we go.

breakfast and faith

i have nothing to do.
it's amazing.

i woke up at 8:30 am with eli and sarah and ate mocha cookies we made last night and now we're making breakfast and they don't have to work until thursday and i only have class from 1 to 3... this week is GLORIOUS. and ryan is not here. that is a travesty. and i hear a train.

i dreamed last night that someone was trying to make me overcome my fear of thunderstorms by putting me in the middle of them. then i woke up to a thunderstorm. i remembered that the windows in my car were open. and knew that i was way too afraid to get up and go outside and close them. so now my car is very wet. more so than it already was. damn.

i've realized that if i do things out of a sense of guilt, they won't mean much to me. like getting a hold on the limping cripple of a "faith" i have right now. if i try to "fix" it all and get back in touch because i have time to think and 'i should have done it all along,' i know that i'll just make myself feel horrible for it and then get right back to where i am now as soon as i get busy again. i guess i'm waiting for something to happen genuinely. but that's an excuse. so maybe i just need to try a different way. not just reading verses and apologizing and feeling guilty and crying and having one more thing to beat myself up over... but start where i am and build from here instead of knocking myself back down to start from the bottom. the knocking down thing seems to work for some people. and it used to work for me. but i think i'm too "already" self-destructive for that. so here's to a slow process of liking being a "christian" again, or what i can make of it and still stand myself. or to start with what i have and know that i'm okay, and go from there. yeah. that could work.

time alone with...me?

first of all, i have a weiner dog laying next to me.
in case anyone was wondering.

i don't know the word to describe how i'm trying to explain myself at times like this.
words like loner, individualistic come to mind. but also selfish and self-centered. and anti-social.
i'll try to explain with more than just one word-

when i have time that is not taken up by school, a job, or significant friend(s) (in this case a boyfriend), i get a certain way, a way that i am at no other time but times like this. and it's very similar at all of these similar times. for example: the summer before i moved to college. the summer after my freshman year when i was stuck in meadville for the summer. the beginning of my job in indianapolis last summer before i got really busy with it. this week in between my crazy classes/ryan-time and the start of my theatre job next week.
it's these weird in-between-craziness slots of time. and i spend a lot of time outside. alone. i walk as much as possible (why waste gas if you're on no time schedule and don't mind a tan?). i carry around something to read and something else to write on. my clothes match even less than during the rest of the year (nobody i know to see or care). i have almost no schedule and no one to impress and no one to keep track of or to keep track of me. and all of these strange structure-less times are documented in notepads and sketches and song lyrics-- records of those few times in my life when i have stopped and thought about what i think and what i like and what i care about when there's no mental to-do list to beat myself senseless with. and there's usually very few people around to witness it... but that's part of the means to the end. if there were people around, i wouldn't experience it.

i marvel at all of this because today after ryan left i finally convinced myself to do something-- so i walked about a mile to the park and sat in the sun by myself for 2 hours writing and reading and stumbling upon past memorabilia of similar times like this when i actually considered my thoughts and feelings for longer than two seconds. it reminded me of a lot of the passions that i used to have. and thoughts that i've formulated into words and then discarded in the bustle of the rest of the year. i thought about posting some of it on here, but the beauty of these pieces of the past is that only in times like this can i be honest with myself and admit them, so sharing them would put the censor back on any future expression. and they only seem to make sense with me when i'm back in this in-between state anyway.

so i'll keep them to myself. but if what you're like when no one is around and you don't have a strict schedule to follow is the real you, then i think i'm actually an introvert. go figure. and much more cynical than during the rest of my life. or maybe just realistic.
interesting.