have you ever?

i am learning. i am always learning. you dont have to... you can just live. but i choose to try my hardest to l earn from everything i see, hear, read, discuss, feel, do, dont do... but i play a small part in this. i want to learn from other people. every single body on this earth has stories and lessons and experiences and understandings unique to them. why dont we share them? we are raised to believe that for the most part people dont care about what we have to say. and sometimes they dont. but what if we did? what if we genuinely cared, not so that we could make our own heads all big that we are 'good listeners' or listen just so that we can justly expect others to listen to ourselves, but listen to learn. listen because we want to know. ask questions, not only to make the other person feel better, but really about what you want to know. being honest. and asking. isnt is often true that you can let out a deep breath even about the hardest situation if someone is willing to talk to you and actually want to learn? our lives are half wasted if we keep them all to ourselves.
i talked with an amazing girl today. she is graduating college in a few weeks, and feeling all the effects that come with it. i asked her what she wished she would have known at the end of her freshman year. that led to a wealth of information that i didnt know was in there waiting. and not because she's older than me or better than me, but because she is her. not me. she has learned things that i dont know. and now i know some of them. the things that really rang true will stay with me for a long time. and now i can share them with others. and even if only one thing rings true with each person, if they adopt it and make it a part of them, think about how many lives she will have changed. just by sharing. by not being afraid to talk. and not being afraid to admit. i could tell you things from my point of view about situations that you couldnt even imagine. and you have stories. and lessons. and experiences that i could never imagine. and maybe they will never happen to me, but i can learn from them if you share with me. so lets talk. i want to why you see life the way you do. i have never been to europe. what is it like? what did you learn from being a foreigner there? i have never had anyone close to me die. how badly does it hurt? will you be able to tell me? i have never been married. i have never been divorced. i have never graduated college. i have never had anyone cheat on me. i have never gone scuba diving. i've never broken a bone. i'm not sure if i have ever fallen in love. have you? will you explain it to people? will you share it? will you share it with me? if it's never happened to you, will you be willing to learn from people who have, and ask questions and listen because you care, not just because you feel it's the right thing to do? just wondering. because some thing always rings true.
send me stories. i am interested. lcbrenner@anderson.edu

a stream of consciousness

i think of you every time i hear a train whistle blow. and i remember how much i want to mean something to you. and i remember how messed up i am that i never could. and it makes me want to change. but i dont want to change for you. i want to change for Him. why isnt He enough? why can i find motivation everywhere else? why is the only thing that matters the one thing that doesnt seem to matter at all? have i let myself fall so far that i'll never make it back to the top? ive been thinking a lot. again. i stopped there for a while. and it didnt hurt. it was nice. but there is no standing still... there is only growing and falling. and so of course in my absence of growing... i was falling. when i thought i was standing still. now im looking around, trying to find the way back up. i dont want to climb a ladder. i dont want to be lifted by a rope or in a basket. i dont want to claw my way up the slope. i just want to find what brought me down here and retrace the steps ive taken, but in the opposite direction. then i'll be able to see where ive been. and what i wasnt seeing on my way down. and the people and things i had left broken along the way. maybe i'll even be able to lift them and carry them back with me.
im still trying to do this on my own. im not used to hearing trains.