thoughts and words

a lot to say. not enough words. because there's always too many words. so maybe i'll stop using so many. words.
tonight= thinking.

coming soon: thoughts and words about entitlement.

lies.

i've learned over the last few months that i'm a liar. it really does start with little ones, because you don't realize you're lying when you do it. in my case, if someone asks me a question and it catches me off-guard, i give whatever response i think is the "right" one, them in theory, i would go back and correct it when i realized what my true response is. but i don't go back. or i explain something to someone, but i don't have the emotional strength to explain it in its full detail so i give a shorter version. and the listener believes it. which means i can give that version to other people and it will be credible. then there's part of the story or explanation that no one ever knows. or, in recent cases, i'm so worried that whatever the whole truth is will hurt someone so bad, or make them so mad, or remind them that i'm not enough, or remind them that they're not enough, or just fuck up the whole situation beyond repair... that i just don't say it.

i've also learned how much damage that has caused. but i'm still not sure that the total damage of not being truthful would be more than the total damage if i had hurt, angered, explained, reminded.

i'm sure there's an in-between of telling truth to bring life... of telling the truth when needed, just being aware of those around you and their feelings. i'm not sure how to find it.

and when you get really good at smoothing things over and avoiding (for the time being) conflict... then it's a really hard decision to make a life-style change that will bring that conflict back.

now you all know, i guess.
and that's embarrassing.
but i guess that's the point.