been a while

wow so about the last few weeks being absolutely insane. i feel like i've been living in a whirlwind. and not a fun one. almost every night in the last two weeks i kept a record of no more than 5 hours of sleep (average of about 2-3) a night...that was fun. it was my own fault- doing make up work for the end of the semester that i had just never done. and in six classes there were assignments i just didn't turn in- it would be like 4 am and i would just give up. so sue me. i'm going to school for theatre and god has led me to a school already. i guess i can give ortake a paper here and there. it's what isaiah's been telling me for years but who takes advice from him?

this past weekend was a four day one due to semester change and teacher inservice....i was so ready to just relax and see my friends (whom i have not seen for like three weeks) and hang out with other people and start reading my english book early so i wouldn't have to ruch around anymore....yeah, then my mum's uncle had a heart attack thursday morning and passed away so we left for pittsburgh friday night and didn't come back until this morning. it was so sad. he was a really strong christian and all so it's lovely to think of him up there chillin' with jesus, but his wife is absolutely heartbroken. so if you read this, send up a little prayer or two (her name's ruth). the viewings and funeral were okaythough- lots of happy memories being passed around. and it was so lovely seeing all of the family that we only see at christmas and the reunion in august (at a park-- we have a big family). but needless to say i didn't do any of my homework other than what i managed to get done friday afternoon before we left. we got home this morning and i had this strange inclination to go to school for the second half of the day. our blood drive is tomorrow and i'm kind of in charge of it but i had typed up a 2 page instruction sheet for today for my 'second in command' or whatever in case i wouldn't be in school today. plus i had rehearsal after school and i didn't want to miss a.p. english. yeah- going to school today= worst decision in the world. all i accomplished was to get a bunch more work that i will not do tonight because i still have to do the work from the weekend when i was at the funeral, went to a rehearsal and learned a song i already knew, took the wrong way home from cambridge (somehow) and got home with only enough time to eat dinner and start outlining a paper before i had to get ready for dance...and here i am with absolutely nothing to show for today. i could have stayed home and taken a nap, done homework, got caught up, and gone in tomorrow and gotten the new work load with an extra day to turn it in. no more of that. if god gives me a free day to catch up- i'm taking it. well, like i said- blood drive tomorrow so i won't be in any classes, but teachers have this weird preconceived notion that i'm organized or responsible or something so they'll probably expect some work from me anyway. i'll just finish this paper on evolution (yay...) and take it with me. ugh- i have to get up at 5:30 tomorrow....but hey i get a free breakfast at family ties (if i'm allowed to drive- more freezing rain supposedly) so that will be lovely. i'm starting to get what my mum came down with this morning on the way home from pitt so i'll just try not to breathe on any of the sanitary stuff at the blood drive tomorrow.

wow this all sounds so depressing- i'm actually in a fairly good mood because this will be a semi-easy week and jesus loves me a whole lot. and our band's playing at lyona this friday and i might finally get to go see a movie with my friend in erie. and i spent a lot of time making relationships with family this weekend and that meant a lot. now all i have to work on is my little brother. i seriously try....ugh. the devil still thinks he has a hold on me. well- i've read the book and believe me- we come out on top.

don't feed the plants!

hey anderson kiddies- i'll be there on saturday (scholarship interview)- it would be lovely to see you! i have the evening to just hang out and i miss you all!

so break was kinda crazy....i did just about no homework but then stayed up insanely late the night before school started getting caught up- which just led into two weeks of not sleeping at all and trying to get work done. it's what i should be doing right now- there's constantly about four things i should be doing, but I've had between 1 and a half and 5 hours of sleep every night this week due to homework and i just want to finish this, read the bio lab and english short stories and then go to bed. haha okay never mind i guess the lazy thing doesn't work anyway. i seriously need to get more sleep though.
auditions for penncrest musical were yesterday. that always makes things interesting. it's fun being a senior for music related things at school because everybody kinda looks up to you. the directors had me go first- don't know if that was planned or not. i knew the part by heart because i'm a nerd and know the whole show already but then some of the girls got all freaked out and thought we weren't allowed to use music. nervous girls at an audition always make an interesting group. anyway- they went well and i think i have a fairly good chance at audrey or one of the doo-wop girls... theater's one of those things that i have the most trouble giving to god. i had theater before i had god (even though he had me), but it's not a habit i'm trying to get rid of or anything...i'm going to use it for the rest of my life and i've decided to let him use it for his work--and it's very exciting but it's a daily struggle. especially for something like a high school show where i would love to have a certain part and worry that maybe i'll get cast as someone else or that things won't work out for whatever reason. but that doesn't matter. half the kids who'll be in the show won't have any idea of what christ did for them and what it actually means, and yet i manage to worry about which part i'll get. ugh. that's why i'm going straight to a christian school to study theatre instead of a theatre school followed by grad work in ministry...because i don't want to let myself get into it for the wrong reasons. from the very beginning i want it to be for christ...NOT me. theatre is such a selfish profession- only god can change that . it will be a daily struggle even after college i'm sure, but i wouldn't be happy/successful (maybe not by the world's standards but who caress?) doing anything else...it's what i was created for. and that's such an amazing feeling- to know why you're on this planet. it seems like every teenager wonders at some point or another "why are we here?...why am i here?" and let me just tell you- god made each of us to do a specific thing that only we can do...and if you ask him to help you find it and start working toward it, life takes on a whole meaning. but, obviously, that doesn't necessarily mean it gets easier- just easier to handle knowing that the god who made the whole universe is on your side. you don't have to go through it on your own. *sigh* i wish i could get this through my head. it's like, a minute by minute thing that goes back and forth. i just want to live for god- give him everything i have because it doesn't mean anything if i just try to use it for whatever i feel like. i want my drama to become about the people that god is reaching through it...not what part i get or how well i sing. i just want to leave myself behind and let god's amazing unconditional love shine through me to everyone around so they can spend forever and ever in the real heaven with their creator. haha...sure it's "hard" and "uncomfortable" at times, but who says serving god is comfortable? it's what comes from it later that is important- telling people the truth that god has shown you so that they can learn what you are learning. okay i guess i'm kind of starting to repeat myself, but this is how it goes through my head. i keep reminding myself of the joy i have when i'm doing drama for christ...it means so much more than any number of lead roles or dance sequences. well, there's my heart i guess. do with it what you want. but trust god with yours. he's the only one who knows how to take care of it.

**no more memories no more silent tears. no more gazing across the wasted years....**

we don't always have to understand

well christmas break is gone. my last one in high school. rock on. but these next 6 months are going to be soooo long. everyone keeps assuming that hey i'm a senior- i'm almost done- it'll go so fast. not at the rate things are going now. if i keep up my losing streak (like physically losing possessions...in this case, homework) then this semester will be much longer than even i anticipated. and i keep realizing that a bunch of scholarship stuff probably should have been taken care of before break...and now it may be too late. darn letters of recommendation. who needs to be recommended for a scholarship? no just kidding, but my procrastination has really paid off...or not paid in this case. wow okay so enough with the bad puns. my philosophical thought of the day....boys. what's up with them? i just don't understand. but i guess they don't really understand us either. whoever tries to pull the whole 'we're created the same but society raises us differently and instills different values and expectations and ruins our true identity' crap needs to just go observe a guy and a girl together and read their thoughts. definitely different wavelengths going on or something. spaghetti vs. waffles hahaha. i think that of all the areas we struggle with in seeking god, the most prevalent and distorted one is that which concerns the opposite sex. i know i rambled on for way too long about that in an earlier entry but i just keep being reminded of it. and it's something that i struggle with....more of a "god what on earth are you doing??" but he's got it under control. we're here on the lower stage, he's up in the upper stage and he has all kinds of thing going on. so i'll just try to be patient and wait to see how everything fits together. but what really matters i guess is what you do in the meantime. sitting around and waiting for things to 'come together' will accomplish nothing for the kingdom of god and leave you pretty bored as well. but hey, time flies when you're...busy. well that's my version of the cliche but it's true. so now is the time to just get out there and ACCOMPLISH something. not like this break when the most ministry i did was arriving almost late for a service i was supposed to lead worship for. well i hope somebody was blessed by this weekend's music....i felt a little jipped because playing for all three services robs me of my own in-service worship time (believe me- it's not the worship time for the worship leaders when they're up on stage...they're there to lead you). i'll just have to make it up this week on my own :-) anyway...yeah, doing something. high school makes that so hard. i've realized that if i spent as much time each day reading my bible and hanging out with god as i did complaining/worrying about homework (not doing homework...time used for that is basically nonexistent), not only would i be much more relaxed (and actually do the homework rather than wigging out about it) but i would get so much more done (homework or otherwise). i would in essence have more time. or at least allow god to show me how to use it more wisely. it's like tithing....it doesn't quite make sense in our minds for us to give 10 percent of all the money we get to his awesome plan, in order to live better. wouldn't we live better on 100 percent than 90? but god doesn't think like we do, and he's the one who created this world and decided how it would work. so if he says, "yes- i know it sounds weird but trust me...give 10 percent of the money you get to my perfect plan of telling the world how much i love them, and you will live better on the 90 percent than you would ever have lived on the 100 percent!" now i don't have an income to speak of...maybe i'm a bad witness to all of this but whether it's physical money or not...if god promises you you're gonna live better, you'll live better! maybe it'll just be your job conditions. or (because anyone who's reading this (if anyone reads this...) probably isn't in the 'work force' yet, maybe it'll just be a clearer approach toward schooling, or finding christian friends that will love and support you. god's pretty creative (he made the world...that had to take some imagination) and he loves to bless us, so put those two things together and wham-o --cool blessings. and that's what it's all about. showing god how much you love him by trusting him with things you don't understand, and giving him all kinds of praise when he comes through and holds up to his promises (because you know he will). i don't know about you...but that's the kind of god i serve. so how i got here from complaining about the male race i have no idea, but hey, god works in mysterious ways *winkwink*. so, have a great week-- high schoolers going back to school and collegers with one more week of freedom. and if you have time, watch napoleon dynamite because it's hysterical (and if you're confused, don't worry- it's not supposed to have a plot).
oh and by the way...i still think boys are weird ;-)