four score and seven turtles ago...

whoa. man im good at this.

i hate doing these updates, i feel like they're so selfish, thinking that everyone is THAT interested in your life. well for those of you who have ever taken a peek at this, here is your latest update.

sophomore year of college. miles better than freshman. not depressed, not sorting through life and myself and who i was vs. wanted to be vs. let myself be vs. never thought i could... all that jazz. well, a little bit of that, but it's much happier now. lots of theatre and music classes, got a ton of my liberal arts done last year. i was in all three shows at school this semester: a musical (carousel), a modern greek tragedy (women of lockerbie), and an original work by an AU senior (elegy). always in rehearsal, all semester, but i loved it. and whenever i wasnt in rehearsal, i was with this one kid.... who is now my daa da da daaaaa: boyfriend. that's been an interesting ride. it's been a long time since i did the boyfriend thing. but he's worth it. i got a southern boy... they make 'em different down there :-). nothing against northern boys... haha but he never has to wait for me. because im always late, but he's later. and it is good to my soul. schoolwise, next semester= more of the same. theatre and music classes, only potentially one show instead of three, but lots of hours in the theatre nonetheless. actual method training. im excited. and ACTF (acting competition) in milwaukee in two weeks. i have no idea what to expect with that, but im really looking forward to it. compete with a scene and a partner and then attend workshops and such for the rest of the week. im trying to enjoy every bit of this whole school year- before i have to go back to the liberal arts schedule.

my family is in the process of moving to pittsburgh... finally i know. my dad has a job down there already- he works there during the week and comes home on the weekends. im not really around to experience it. so apparently i'll have a room in the new house, but i dont imagine i'll be "living" there much. not many more times i'll be home for much more than a visit. as soon as the meadville house sells, we'll pretty much be out of there. i've never moved before, other than taking half my stuff to college. i mean, people do it all the time, but i've only had one house that ever had my family AND meant home. as long as i can go back to the neighborhood and walk through the woods sometimes, even when i grow up. the house will belong to someone else, become someone else's "home," but back in those woods hadnt changed since i was little, and im counting on it to stay the same for a long time to come. country girl or not, that was the one place i could leave my house, without a car, and be alone to read or think or laugh or sing... i sang back there a lot. because i could sing as loud as i wanted and no one would hear or shush me or even tell me to keep singing... i could just sing. moving will be ok, because i still know how to get back there.

otherwise... im at an interesting type of moving standstill. standstill because nothing huge is changing (haha by my terms of change that is- i guess those things i just talked about would be pretty big changes for some people). where i am and i guess who i am has become fairly... stable? for the time being. but im still living, still moving, still changing every day in the midst of that stability. i guess that makes it sound pretty good. it is. better than last year. worse than some good times past. but altogheter good.

how's that for an update? sorry that my posts ound like i'm trying to have an awkward conversation with you. i'll work on that.

nearing the sun

summers are no good for selfish people. my life has become a monologue, a single walk through a park plus occasional chats with bystanders along the way. never stop though. talk to them, make a dialogue, but keep moving. my life never stops. my consciousness is constant. and i am always there. if life were a movie, i would be the star. ive been in every frame since it began. nineteen years, four months, and four days. and it goes up until this very moment. now this one. and this one. and im still here. narrating, and filming, and editing (or trying to), and realizing what i can and cant write. what i can and cant change. in both of those cases, mostly cant. but when other people are trampling all over my film, it’s easier for me to remember that other people are making their own movies, and im just a character- from innocent bystander to aquaintance to supporting actress- in their own films. when it’s just me for so long though, i seem to forget about all the filmmaking going on around me. mine is the only one that exists, and other people exist only when they appear on the screen. no green room. no waiting area. like valentino. they exist to walk across my life, maybe once a day, maybe once in a lifetime, and when they are not doing that, they simply… disappear. right? dont they? even you. you exist to make me better, right? you exist to give me reasons to be happy and sad and disappointed and hopeful. and when you arent being used like that in my emotions… you cease to exist. and some of you are the main players. just think about all the extras. they are lucky just to get a walk-in. or, god forbid, a cameo. and the bystanders… what a sad existence. and god? what does that make him?
summers are no good for selfish people.
besides that... think about it. i know im not alone here.

i AM the dairy queen

so- work. i worked my first day at dairy queen on monday. i donned the apron and baseball cap and watch out ice cream world! it was overall an okay experience, much better prior to the hour and a half of cleaning after the store closed. that was sad. i caught on pretty quick though- i only got to make a few things because we really only made whatever someone ordered (imagine that) so the rest wil just have to wait for another day, another customer. i made about a bazillion blizzards though, especially the new cheesecake kinds, and let me just say that i make a mean cheesecake blizzard. oh man, the blizzard machine and i totally duked it out all night- it won a few battles, but ultimately i won the war. it was bloody though. or at least i had strawberries and ice cream ALL over me! i bleach-penned the heck out of my shirt as soon as i got home and threw it in the laundry. OH! AND- so i worked from 5 to close (10 + cleanup) so i had to take a half hour break at 7:30. so, genius that i am, i remember that i started my curs-ed period that morning and completely forgot to bring anything with me to work… i know, awkward, right? well i didnt have any money to go buy anything, so i decided that it’s about 13 minutes to my house- i’ll drive home really fast, grab some stuff plus something to munch on then come back and start work again. so i run out to my car… my little civic… and it wont start. i had left the lights on, because there’s no beep or anything. im mortified. so i go back in, and form another genius plan. i’ll call my mum, have her or dad drive in now to jump my car before it gets late, and also bring some stuff for me. of course, my dad answers, so i have to explain the whole situation to him plus where in the bathroom to look- poor guy. he agrees, i make myself a hot fudge sundae and wait for him to get there. he comes in a little later and i start walking out the door to the car and he’s like, “wait, dont you want your…” and has them tucked into the hem of his t-shirt. i just laughed and shoved them into my pocket and said. “oh yeah- sorry about all that. thanks dad.” the rest of the story is pretty self-explanatory, but i laughed really hard when i realized that if i wouldnt have forgotten the stuff, i wouldnt have known that my car was dead until 11:30 when i got off work, and both of my parents would have been asleep… oh boy. my life. im so bad at being a girl. yeah. that was work. i was tired afterwards, especially my left hand from wiping tables and counters and fighting the blizzard machine. and i have to admit that it was humbling to walk around the restaurant in an apron and cap with a bucket of soapy water and a towel scrubbing tables. but i guess humbling is what we all need… especially me. my mind would wander so much while i was outside of the kitchen that i kept trying to come up with some role to play- motivation to wipe the tables, you know? hahaha. i kept coming up with these college girls in nyc trying to work over the summer to raise enough money to finish school and become a pediatrician or something noble. not like an actress . i was trying to incorporate exciting things like terminal diseases and boys, but student over the summer was as far as i got my first night. exotic, right? and really original. but i have three more days this week. i’ll work up something exciting.

someone told me last night that if they were in an arranged marriage, they hoped it would be with me. that made my whole day... i think.

going down the road, feeling bad...

ok- so leah story of the day- my dad re-teaching me how to drive a standard. so i learned how to drive this little '91 honda civic or whatever two summers ago, but then ended up driving a different vehicle because of the winters here. then, when it was finalized that i'll be here and working all of this summer, i get the civic again. this time for real. i think. so anyway, i learned how to drive the thing back then, but never really practiced or perfected it. so today we decide to have a touch up lesson, which my dad decides to begin with my backing out of our uphill-inclined driveway. now, im the type of person that likes to know why things are the way they are- for example, what words actually mean in french, not just how to pronounce phrases. then i can use the same words in other situations. same goes with cars… kind of. i at least want to know what i will be doing and why and when, before i am expected to do it so i can know how to use it in various situations, right? yeah well we all conveniently forgot all of this and so i manage to get out of the driveway, where i stall the car in the middle of the road, not a busy road, neighborhood and all, when TWO cars decide to come down the road toward me… except that there is almost no room to get around me on either side and i conveniently forgot how to start the damn thing and get it out of the way fast enough… so while im trying to figure this out, both cars edge past me on one side, one of which is driven by a gym teacher from my high school who once yelled at me in front of an entire blood drive group that i had organized (but who otherwise liked me?), and the people nonchalantly standing outside the house across the street talking hear and see the whole thing… and just kind of stare. ok, i dont get embarassed easily, but this whole 19 year old learning how to drive AGAIN thing was pushing at my limits. so after these cars impatiently pass, i get started again but dont really remember the things from two summers ago, all of which have to happen really fast when you first get started. thank god for my dad, who can handle anyone in a car (you know, professional driver and all…) - he put up with me when i ended up almost crying because i was frustrated and didnt want to do it anymore… and after starting and stopping about a bazillion times along our long windy road, and then starting and backing back down the hill of our driveway about a bazillion more times, we drove around the area in both directions and managed to actually smile a little. him more than me, but i was thinking about smiling. by the end of it, he said i did extremely well for my "first" time, but he said that last time too. i dont know if i can do it by myself though. i mean, the basics i got, but it's the tricky stuff like downshifting into turns and how many times to take your foor off the clutch… oh boy. this may be a long summer. but next time christian needs me to make a lowe's run with her car- i will be able to confidently answer, "yes! i can drive a stick! send me anywhere! i will triumph!" take that, convention! (that phrase really isnt appropos at all, it just makes me feel better when i yell it at random intervals throughout the day).

wow can you tell i dont get out much anymore? i'm enjoying this no responsibility thing way too much for my own good. please call me and save me from myself. four days till the beach! woo hoo!

"a woman and a dog... probably a golden retriever"

So last Monday, I decided to go up to the creek behind the house that’s across the street with this golden retriever that apparently lives down the street but has become the neighborhood dog. I never had a dog. I ran around the yard with it for a while the day before. So we’re walking up the creek yesterday and if he ran ahead of me I would call “Hey pup!” and he would come bounding back into sight. (I climbed a Tarzan vine again- even farther this time than last time because it was dry!). The dog runs up a hill ahead of me and I decide to turn around and go back. I yell, but he doesn’t come back. I start walking back down the creek (I’m barefoot, wearing a beater and Bermuda shorts and wonderfully smelly) and all of a sudden I hear a bird or something up on the hill. It gets louder and I realize it sounds like a cat or some animal dying- it’s this hissing screeching shriek full of more pain than I’ve heard in a long time. It creeps me out and I freeze, then slowly start walking again. Then, I hear the dog running through the woods back to me- I turn around and he’s bounding down to the creek (and me) with a raccoon in his mouth- still alive and shrieking louder than life! All four of its legs are sticking straight out and it is furious. All I can think of is how cats like to hunt things and then bring them to their owner as a gift or something- my cat lays animals in varying degrees of wholeness and life at my door or at my feet all the time- always more dead than alive though. So this dog’s running toward me and I’m terrified that he’s going to lay the thing at my feet (bare, mind you) where it would bite, scratch, claw at whatever it could- it was injured and angry and that's what injured and angry animals do… and it could certainly have run faster than me through the woods if I tried to run away from it on the ground. Nevertheless, I see him coming and so I take off down the stream- I had no idea where I was stepping (or on what) and I’m ducking under tree branches and running like I'm being followed by an axe murderer, and then I realize that the dog is following me and catching up and loving every minute of it like the running games we had played the day before! So I stop and face him, throw out my hand and yell “NNNO!” a couple times to freeze him in his tracks. He stops, looks at me, and drops the still screaming animal on the ground about 10 feet away from me. It immediately tries to fight him so he picks it back up and I scream at him again and try to motion for him to take it away. He finally takes off with it, still shrieking, up the hill and down the stream where I was heading. He stopped and looked back at me once, but I just yelled no again. After he disappeared, I just stood there shaking form running with adrenaline and holding my breath when I didn’t know if he would listen to me or not. Then I laughed and started walking again really slow. I was afraid it wold be laying somewhere almost dead and I would step right next to it and end up getting bit anyway. Then I heard the dog barking back up at the house and I wondered if he thought I was hurt and was trying to get someone’s attention or something like in the movies. That’s what golden retrievers do, right? When I got closer, I yelled for him and he ran down to me, raccoon free. I patted him on the head and asked him if he had killed it, then he followed me back to my house and I went inside. It was quite an adventure.

summer and way too many restaurants

this is more recent.... an attempt at some honesty here. im usually not very good at that (about myself).

in case any of you were wondering... im at home. not in anderson doing summer courses. the script writing class was cancelled and to make a long story short, my mum offered to just come get me the day before i was supposed to move out and i took her up on it. but i was relying on going back to indianapolis in june for an internship at a church out there... but then i got this email:

Leah, I'm sorry it took so long to get back with you. I talked with the worship arts pastor about the internship. After discussing with him, and looking at the aim of the internship this summer is not going to happen. Apparently the worship arts ministry area isn't as equiped to bring in interns as i had thought. I work with other ministry areas and assumed that all of them were equally equiped to bring in more people and mentor them in such away that the would develop as leaders. As of now there is not a drama aspect to the worship arts ministries, when we had talked it was in the makings and i thought that it would be put into action by now but because of several reasons it has not yet. In the fall this process will begin. Because of all this it would not be fair to you to ask you to come and try to on your own with very little staff support and mentorship try to get a drama ministry started. Leah, The reason we can't bring you in has nothing to do with you. You are a solid individual and i am not the onlt person upset about not being able to bring you in for an internship in the area of drama. I would have loved to be able to work alongside and with you in this process this summer. Next summer we will have a drama ministry begun at our church that should be able to really develop someone with your passions and interest. if you are still interested in such an opportunity you would be more than welcomed. God has great things in your present and future. If you have any further questions or anything feel free to email me.



sooooooo... maybe not. and im kinda frustrated. not just about the internship. ok so to be completely honest- im really frustrated about this summer. i dont know what the heck im going to be doing, and i feel like any control i was attempting to give back to god just fell through the floor and the outcome of this summer was dumped back into my lap… and i dont want it any more. im trying to give him back control, and i feel like he's not taking it. although thats not completely true, because all of these decisions that ive made have been.. .mine. ive decided. i just DO NOT WANT TO STAY IN MEADVILLE ALL SUMMER. and its really nothing against meadville. i have some amazing friends here. and if i stay i can work and make more money, i can travel, i can go to the beach with my family, i can see my friends, etc... but i only have a few summers to go out and do wild and crazy things (or at least learning experiences that dont pay whole lot...). i was looking into church internships, theatre internships, camps, classes... but everything seems to be falling through. and i know that if i stay home i might actually find myself sitting still long enough to think about getting back on track from this inescapable crappiness. but i feel like being in meadville for the summer could hinder more than help that movement anyway.who knows. i'll look back at this later and think, 'oh yeah i remember when i was all ticked off and didnt know what that summer was gonna look like.' not sayng that by then it will have all worked out well, but at least i will know the end of the story by then. what really did (will?) happen this summer. oh boy.

church? really?

ok so this was written last week. deal with it.

so im going to that michigan conference thing this week. whoa. i definitely thought it was in like two or three weeks. but no. its this wednesday and thursday. and cliff and brent are both going… neither of which ive seen much since christmas. this could be interesting. i hope things are as ok as they can be, because then they'll be really fun. and the conference is all about worship through the arts (major ones- drama, music, media…) so if i actually get this internship then i'll be all fresh and ready to try things from this week while im there. watch out indianapolis. yeah. this summer will be interesting because i've already made a huge switch over the last year from being all about theatre as a solid ministry, to hating the idea of theatre in a church. basically to not being big on the idea of church in general- not the true meaning of it, but just what it has come to represent. these megachurches in suburbia where people can get their weekly god-fill and their daily starbucks-modern-architecture fill all in one fun filled morning or afternoon, depending on which of the eight services they go to. but oh yeah. i go to a church that is quickly becoming that. and people are being changed. i think. the lord is moving. i think. kids are learning how to make right decisions. i think. i know that im making huge judgment calls… but i guess i just want to explore both extremes before i settle somewhere in the informed middle? thats why i want this internship. to see if these megachurch/nondenominational-is-the-only-way-to-be/casual-but-in-style/mochachino-bookstore-candyland-for-children are really working. and how they do it if they do work. this might be just the thing to reach our coffee and media saturated suburban america, and maybe the multitudes really are being saved. to each his own. play the hymns on the organ in the one room chapels for the old folk and bust out the amplifiers and powerpoints for the young folk who relate that way. i like music to be loud enough so that im not selfconscious about the volume of my singing. i think i maybe feel guilty for liking parts of modern megachurch? why? i have no idea. maybe i feel like the money should be spent on other things… but then how do you justify saving all the homeless if all the upper-middle class people are oblivious and going to hell? ok, so have the crazy committed people live in communities of service together to help the people who need it and leave the megachurches to reach suburbia? who knows. this is what i want to find out. and theatre? well i think for now i'll just keep doing shows like moonlight and valentino and jake and jenny that at least catch people with their defenses down and make them think. theatre that changes the soul?

they call me the six year old...

I would to heaven that I were so much clay,
As I am blood, bone, marrow, passion, feeling—
Because at least the past were pass’d away
And for the future—(but I write this reeling,
Having got drunk exceedingly to-day,
So that I seem to stand upon the ceiling)
I say—the future is a serious matter—
And so—for God’s sake—hock and soda-water!

That was written on the back of Lord Byron’s manuscript of Canto I for Don Juan. It made me laugh a lot. I really wish that I was a poet. Not one that writes songs and interesting new ways to look at life and love, but the old fashioned kind whose life depended on spitting out rhymes and verse and comedy and tragedy. With some people it just comes naturally, so who am I to try and fake it?
Interesting time today- I decided to go through my clothes. I have all kinds of clothes left over from my previous life that sit in drawers and wait for me to come home and play with them again. I rarely do. And this weekend I brought all kinds of new clothes home with me, and there simply was not enough room to add the old and new together. So I went through all of them and kept some and threw some out. As any girl should know, when you go through old stuff, you get all excited and want to play with it again… well clothes are no different. So after about seven different combinations of clothes just for fun, I ended up wearing this amazing purplish hippie skirt, a white beater like normal, and this huge black belt on my hips as the defining line where my shirt stopped and the skirt began. And to top it all off, my hair went through some odd transformations until eventually landing in a topsy turvy ponytail! Once again, girls PLEASE tell me you know what I’m talking about. I mean how early 90’s can we get? So I’m running around my room which is completely strewn over with clothes from the last five to ten years of my life and listening to all my music (mostly showtunes) on ‘random’ through my sub-woofer I figured out how to connect to my laptop. And of course you can’t listen to showtunes without acting them out, so I was flipping almost instantaneously from Jesus Christ Superstar to Wicked to Into the Woods and back. Oh, and with a little bit of Mariah Carey in there *wink*. Then I stopped to read a little bit of Don Juan but was completely interrupted by my cat who was standing outside the glass door to the kitchen with a mouse hanging from her mouth meowing as best she could and wanting to come in. I laughed and told her to be quiet and that I was NOT going to let her in but thanks for the present anyway. By then I couldn’t focus on Lord Byron so I gave up. It’s still raining. And I’m still wearing the skirt. Welcome to the little child randomness that is me at home.

day. week. month. year.

im moving out of college this week. to an apartment down a few streets. i get to really be a grownup now. money and food and transportation and responsibilities and nobody really telling me what to do. funny. thats what people expect to find when they go to college in the first place. i'll be in anderson taking classes until june 2nd-ish then im moving to indianapolis to intern in worship and drama at church at the crossing for june and july. i may not be home until august. weird. but im strangely excited about it. its an adventure. and i never really liked meadville. in case you didnt notice.

we had our 'academy awards' for the theatre department tonight, and i was told that the adjudicators who came to moonlight and valentino had nominated me as one of two (out of the four amazing girls in that cast) to receive an irene ryan award and now i get to compete in illinois in january at a week long theatre conference with ACTF. also, someone whose theatre work i admire very much is interested in being the "partner" i need to choose to help me compete... it was an honor to me just for him to be interested. wow. interesting day.

my days are so long. not necessarily long and tiresome, just LONG. ifeel like ive lived through six months in the last two weeks. three weeks in the last three days. it's monday. saturday night the world fell apart, sunday i felt like i was dealing with a death, and now its monday. except all of that feels so long ago.

i have so much i need to do- and absolutely no motivation to do it. my best friend is leaving. for a long time if not for good. we've literally spent every day together since at least spring break, and our relational levels keep growing and changing with every 78 hour day. but she's leaving anderson for home or mission year or maybe something else. i dont know if i can say goodbye. i dont make close friends well, and i keep them even worse. this is trying everything i have in me. only a few more days. and i feel like so much has to happen in them. well, if each day continues to last upwards of 80 hours, then we should be okay.

without a shovel.

i feel like there is so much going on that i cant even stop to think about it. im getting numb. no. i dont think thats it. there are just so. many. things. at once. i dont know what to do with them.

i hit bottom. whatever this 10 month hellhole ive been living in was accomplishing... it's over. no. i wish it was over. i just finally slammed into the brick wall that gives me no choice but to turn around and start trying to climb back to life. the brick wall was jesus i guess. i ve been avoiding him for long enough. i couldnt do it anymore. i had let myself forget how much sense life doesnt make when its lived without him. it hurt. it hurts. and its going to keep hurting while i rip myself out of the place ive made for myself. i hope that all my skin isnt left behind in the hole.

im in a show. i play a character a lot like myself. doesnt talk about things. doesnt want help. just wants someone to pursue her enough for her to be able to convince herself that its their fault, not hers, that things are brought up. and its all about relationships. which i know oh so much about... not. but its hitting staright home with a lot of people, so thats been really neat to be a part of theatre that really does change the soul. its what i live for.

speaking of relationships, i had three people indirectly tell me that i would be "fun to date" this week. how random is that? and what does that even mean? i probably would be fun to date because i avoid talking about anything that matters so we could have a happy-go-lucky run around barefoot dancing in the rain acting like little kids relationship with no confrontation and very little commitment. sounds like fun.... for about five minutes. thats why i dont date people- im definitely not ready. i dont know how. i dont know how to be real with people. i dont know how to have healthy relationships. but i realize all this... and im trying to save other people from it. but hey, at least it might be fun...

have you ever?

i am learning. i am always learning. you dont have to... you can just live. but i choose to try my hardest to l earn from everything i see, hear, read, discuss, feel, do, dont do... but i play a small part in this. i want to learn from other people. every single body on this earth has stories and lessons and experiences and understandings unique to them. why dont we share them? we are raised to believe that for the most part people dont care about what we have to say. and sometimes they dont. but what if we did? what if we genuinely cared, not so that we could make our own heads all big that we are 'good listeners' or listen just so that we can justly expect others to listen to ourselves, but listen to learn. listen because we want to know. ask questions, not only to make the other person feel better, but really about what you want to know. being honest. and asking. isnt is often true that you can let out a deep breath even about the hardest situation if someone is willing to talk to you and actually want to learn? our lives are half wasted if we keep them all to ourselves.
i talked with an amazing girl today. she is graduating college in a few weeks, and feeling all the effects that come with it. i asked her what she wished she would have known at the end of her freshman year. that led to a wealth of information that i didnt know was in there waiting. and not because she's older than me or better than me, but because she is her. not me. she has learned things that i dont know. and now i know some of them. the things that really rang true will stay with me for a long time. and now i can share them with others. and even if only one thing rings true with each person, if they adopt it and make it a part of them, think about how many lives she will have changed. just by sharing. by not being afraid to talk. and not being afraid to admit. i could tell you things from my point of view about situations that you couldnt even imagine. and you have stories. and lessons. and experiences that i could never imagine. and maybe they will never happen to me, but i can learn from them if you share with me. so lets talk. i want to why you see life the way you do. i have never been to europe. what is it like? what did you learn from being a foreigner there? i have never had anyone close to me die. how badly does it hurt? will you be able to tell me? i have never been married. i have never been divorced. i have never graduated college. i have never had anyone cheat on me. i have never gone scuba diving. i've never broken a bone. i'm not sure if i have ever fallen in love. have you? will you explain it to people? will you share it? will you share it with me? if it's never happened to you, will you be willing to learn from people who have, and ask questions and listen because you care, not just because you feel it's the right thing to do? just wondering. because some thing always rings true.
send me stories. i am interested. lcbrenner@anderson.edu

a stream of consciousness

i think of you every time i hear a train whistle blow. and i remember how much i want to mean something to you. and i remember how messed up i am that i never could. and it makes me want to change. but i dont want to change for you. i want to change for Him. why isnt He enough? why can i find motivation everywhere else? why is the only thing that matters the one thing that doesnt seem to matter at all? have i let myself fall so far that i'll never make it back to the top? ive been thinking a lot. again. i stopped there for a while. and it didnt hurt. it was nice. but there is no standing still... there is only growing and falling. and so of course in my absence of growing... i was falling. when i thought i was standing still. now im looking around, trying to find the way back up. i dont want to climb a ladder. i dont want to be lifted by a rope or in a basket. i dont want to claw my way up the slope. i just want to find what brought me down here and retrace the steps ive taken, but in the opposite direction. then i'll be able to see where ive been. and what i wasnt seeing on my way down. and the people and things i had left broken along the way. maybe i'll even be able to lift them and carry them back with me.
im still trying to do this on my own. im not used to hearing trains.

thoughts from the desert

i climbed a mountain today. just a little one. people back home make fun of my love of climbing. with isaiah, it's just what you do. some of my friends see a mountain and they think 'wow thats a big mountain.' i see it and think 'i would love to climb that.' isaiah sees it and thinks 'what else is that mountain there for but for us to climb?' yeah. i love my brother. let me describe a flash of my day today:
the sun is beginning to set, but barely- just enough for the rocks and cacti to make shadows. everything is light browns- the rocks, the hills (made of rocks), the ground (made of crushed rocks), the wispy plants, even the sunlight has a shiny brown feel to it.
the paved roads wind through this desert park area. the shadow of a motorcycle flies across the ground next to the road. the shadow shows two other figures, one bent forward into the wind with the outlines of his jacket and sunglasses visible, the other leaning slightly back- one arm looped through the visor of an un-used helmet resting on her leg. looking into the shadow, the only thing that keeps moving is the hair flying straight out behind her. mountains slowly rise on either side of the valley. the valley of the sun.

it's nice to be out of pennsylvania.

oh boy. something crazy just happened. more later...

traveling.

don't be afraid to fall in love.
with a person, a thing, an idea.
fall in love with something. love it out. passion it out.
and then leave before it gets shitty.
because it always does.
everything wonderful and exciting after a while gets old and doesnt mean as much anymore.
leave before it gets to that point.
that's when it hurts the most to leave, but that's when you'll keep the best memory of it.

-words from someone who means way more to me than he will ever know- one of my many (nonbiological) big brothers. i dont think i agree completely, but it's something to think about.

an update...

well for anyone who actually reads this thing- i guess a little bit of an update is in store. i'm doing okay. not amazing, butnot terriby either. i am super busy (surprise) but i REALLY like most of the things i;m busy with. i got parts in the next two shows here at au- the first is the part of a 20 something chain smoker NYC chick who is terrible at relationships in a story about four women consoling one of them over the death of her husband. it's amazing- i've never really been coached in a play, and i'm learning so much. not to mention the cast is made up of three amazing other girls. the second show is a series of one acts- the one act that i'm in was written by a girl on campus and is a woman and her fiancee talking in the middle of the night. haha so i smoke in one and spend most of the second one in bed. come out and see them! oh, and because of the class i'm in, i'm building and designing other parts of shows and sets, so with all that plus the fact that i actually am employed at the theatre, i'm basically there most of the time. so if you havent seen me around lately, that's why. but i love it. i have to remind myself that there are other requirements of me... like homework and food.

also, i interviewed for and was offered a position as an RA, but i realized that with theatre next year there is no way i would be able to be in the hall enough to be there for my girls... so i didnt take the spot. i want to do it sooo bad... it tore my heart out to turn it down. but when your major is a lot of evening requirements, things like being an RA unfortunately get pushed out of the question. sad. so now i'm trying to figure out what i'm doing this summer- i'm looking into a bunch of different internships- theatre, ministry, and some au stuff. who knows. i just dont want to sit at home for three months. sorry meadville kids. i want to use my summers to try out other things to see what i want to do eventually... because i still dont really know.

im headed to phoenix for the first half of spring break (march 10- the day after my birthday- through march 15, when i'm flying back to pittsburgh (!!) and going home for the last few days) to see my brother. i LOVE him so much. like, i dont think i can explain to you how much i love that boy. he means so much to me- he is the best at being a big brother. justin is gonna maybe come up from uma to see us, and isaiah's trying to plan a motorcycle trip to see the grand canyon!!!!! he's taking a day or two off of work and school, basically it is going to be amazing, and i will be there exactly one week from right now!

anyway, those are the outside things... maybe later i'll get into some of the inside things. but i'm okay for now. okay. i love you all.

this paper i wrote...

Everyone likes to assume that they know all about love. They will probably also try to publicly announce that they do not know about love, in order to receive the humility factor from an audience, but deep down they really think they have got it all figured out. Young women are no different. We expect the certain and calculated distance from those fateful three words with any man in a relationship, but that has become more of a tradition than a humble self-understanding. I have, however, taken it upon myself to write all about romantic love. Now of course, I make the statement that as a nineteen year old girl I really have no idea what I’m talking about, but deep down I probably think that it all makes perfect sense, that I am right, and that everyone should listen to me. Well, I give you free reign to make your own judgments… at the end of this writing. My exploration in life thus far on love has led me to three types of discoveries: those which have become personal values, those which I have accepted as beliefs down to the very core of my being, and simply my hopes and longings. The journey that has carried me to these ends (or means to ends considering my age) can be generalized into a very simple term: life.
Personal values hold their authority within a person simply because they do. They are ideas that make sense, are proved true, and become a part of us for reasons that we sometimes do not even understand. I hold the value that no Christian should be romantically involved with a non-Christian. This is Scriptural of course, but I have taken it as my own for reasons other than the black and white biblical text has told me so. The apostle Paul’s words on marriage instruct us either to get married or stay single depending on which will help you serve the Lord the best. Therefore, spouses are meant to help each other serve God and fulfill each other’s purpose in the body of Christ. As it is, nonbelievers miss out on their opportunity to fill the place that God has created for them and their individual gifts and passions, so in a marriage relationship there is no way that a nonbeliever could accomplish this goal. On a similar note, if a person is romantically involved with another person, Christian or otherwise, with whom they realize they cannot foresee spending a life, that relationship should cease to be a romantic one as soon as possible. I am not implying that relationships should be solely based on marriage goals, but potential is an important factor in a “more-than-friends” relationship. Sometimes romance in a relationship continues even after the certainty of marriage is overruled, often by only one person in the couple, but in those cases the people continue to grow closer and closer while it is inevitable that they are going to separate. The separation will be harder later the longer the relationship is allowed to continue. These values have come to mean so much to me because of past relationships I have been in as well as others that I have observed in others. I dated someone years ago in who was debatably a Christian, and after a few months of a not-the-healthiest relationship I came to the conclusion that it was nice for the time but I would never spend my entire life with him. In order to avoid conflict, I wanted to let the relationship go until it fizzled out on its own, however, I knew not long after that for his sake I needed to end it before we got any closer because then it would just be harder on him. Fortunately, by taking the lessons I learned from that situation as personal values, I was saved from difficult relationships in the future.
Beliefs are stronger than values. They are often based religiously or spiritually, and have a stronger background than just thinking they are right, but rather believing whether or not something exists. For example, contrary to some of the philosophers in Plato’s symposium, I do not believe in romantic soul mates. I believe God makes us a certain way to be compatible with a certain kind of other person. There is more than one person on earth that each of us could do well alongside, but there is no guarantee that we will marry one of these types of people. I also believe that love is a choice rather than an emotion alone, and these two ideas together create messy relationships and marriages. The English language’s single version of the word love makes this even more difficult, but romantic love especially is a decision. When new couples decide not to use the word love at first, I hope it is because they have not chosen to completely romantically love the other person yet. Unfortunately in the cases I have seen, the abstinence of the words “I love you” merely serves as an excuse to make some grand revelation after a few weeks or months when they seem to “discover” that they really have “fallen in love” and that it is probably the “first real time” because no one has ever made them “feel like this before.” I admit that I have used some of these excuses, but not to the extent of many others I have witnessed. And in these cases, every new “love” seems to fill the role of this illustrious and elusive soul mate. And when one does not work out, the next one to come along fills that opening. I have seen people divorce their self-declared “soul-mate,” which shows one of two things: either their soul mate was not really the soul mate for whom they had searched, or they had simply chosen to love them no longer. Both ways prove a point. I firmly believe that soul mates do not exist and that love is a conscious choice.
My hopes and longings are a culmination of all these ideas that I value and believe, and they point me in regards to romantic love toward a God who knows all things and wants the best for me. I do not believe he has preordained a magically perfect boy somewhere for me to marry, but I do believe that he knows if and who I will marry simply because he knows and sees all. If I seek after God rather than a boy, then A right one, rather than THE right one, will cross my path eventually if not already. I hope and long for someone who has similar passions as me to serve the hurting people of the world in the name of the Lord, to be willing to sacrifice and live simply, and to understand my passions for worship and helping people find their place in the body of Christ. I hope and long for this type of man someday, but not in a way that will find me sitting around waiting for him or trying out everyone along the way. I constantly need to remind myself to focus on God and the work that he has here for me to do. If I am looking at the world through God’s eyes, then I will have a better chance of seeing men through God’s eyes as well, and to be honest, there is no way that I would rather see them. You can make your judgments now.


for real- leave comments of your thoughts...

keep going.

why. why are you still here with me? didnt you see what ive done?
in my shame i want to run. and hide myself. but its here i see the truth.
i dont deserve you.
but i need you to love me...
and i, i wont keep my heart from you this time.
and i'll stop this pretending that i can somehow deserve what i already have.
i need you to love me...
i, i have wasted so much time pushing you away from me.
i just never saw how you could cherish me.
'cause youre a god who has all things,
and still you want me.
and i need you to love me...
and i, iwont keep my heart from you this time.
and i'll stop this pretending that i can somehow deserve what i already have.
your love makes me forget what i have been. your love makes me see who i really am.
your love makes me forget what i have been.
and i need you to love me...
and ill stop this pretending that i can somehow deserve what i already have.
i need you to love me...

sorry if i scared you... no im not.

where are you? why wont you answer me? why have i felt like im going through all of this alone? im trying to include you, but i cant find you to even ask. im angry. im angry that it has hurt for so long, and you wont even prove to me that youre here. or there. or anywhere. i know that youre somewhere waiting. well, i gave up on myself and life to try to find you today... and i couldnt. you were elusive. i was running after you (almost literally) and it felt like you were running away from me. you werent. i know that. i know that youre everywhere, all the time. my head knows that. but my heart wont believe it. apparently that's my big problem- im letting my heart take over and not using my mind. talking about things i feel, not that i know. well, try and convince yourself of something that your heart will not agree to know. just try.

Note to Self

New Note to Self:
When you want so badly to see what God's will is in a situation, try getting out of the way. He really can handle it when you let go. Does the word 'surrender' sound familiar to you at all? Yeah.... I thought it would. You're trying so hard to be brave in this life, and the braver thing to do is to trust God with the big open nothingness ahead of you when you stop trying to write the story; the coward version is holding on so tightly and controllingly that you think you can predict what will happen. Would you rather take the slow and steady path drawn out so perfectly on the map, or hitch on your hang glider, take a running start and leap off the edge, feeling the air whip past your ears and watching the things of the earth shrink away below you? Well, I don't know about you, but, self, get ready to fly.

this one time i was dumb...

why do we always feel like we have to tell people things? i think i might have exploded about this before- but it probably had more to do with other people than myself or it had to do with my own frustration at wanting to shout things from the rooftops to make people pay attention to me while i refused to and kept it all inside. i mean, community's important and without truth there can be no true community, but again i ask, "where's the line between telling people things to get attention and accomplish some manipulative ulterior motive and telling them to allow true community and honesty between people?" for years i've preached that if it doesnt matter, dont say it. if someone doesnt need to know, dont tell them. people cant keep their mouths shut, so if anything has anything to do with another person- it WILL get to them. i would much rather handle my own uncomfortable situations, thank you. i guess it's different with every person. or every issue. sorry that i don't have these separated very well. and some things are harder for you to handle but easier for others when you keep it in, but easier for you and harder for them when it comes out. how selfish is that?! once again, it's all about me. way to try to fit god into your little god-box again. someday i'll remember how freaking big he is for more than five seconds after i close my bible. suck.

i hate this.

way too little?

today i walked around campus for a while. we're back so early and hardly anyone else is here. i was walking back to my dorm and decided i wouldnt have another time like that for a while. so i walked around. and sat. and looked around. i marveled at the warm weather but shivered with every cool breeze. i thought way too little and giggled whenever i liked what i was barely thinking about. other times i wanted to sob and crumple to the cold ground until someone came to find me. i dont have a cell phone. i wasnt in my room at my computer with music on. i wasnt meeting anyone at anytime or planning to do something by a certain time. there was nothing to interrupt me. i just walked. and sat. if someone wanted to find me, they would have had to put in a lot of effort. i'm not just a phone call away. what will people do to find me if they want to? how bad do they want to find me? i guess i liked the thoughts because of the stereotypical (especially in girls) desire to be pursued... in any sense of the word. effort. thats what separates some people from others, or how they feel about them. how much effort are you putting in to know them. to find them. we all do it, and we all know it, but we play dumb when we're burned by it or when we know that we are burning other people. but no, that's not fun to think about. and come on. who thinks about things that arent fun to think about? not me. i just giggle.......................................

let me fly

so i saw narnia tonight with my family. i basically cried through the whole thing. is that weird? i've just been overwhelmed with a lot lately and emotions seem to be having their way with me. the movie brought up so much. i went in knowing that the story resembles very closely that of jesus and what he did to save us stupid humans. i also knew that i was fairly emotionally unstable. all i've been wanting lately is an adventure. this movie is full of it. life and death situations, fighting for truth and being in the presence of someone (something?) so magnificent and pure and strong. knowing that your actions and decisions make a difference. and the whole sacrifice bit- so powerful when you know that it is telling the true story of a man who knew that blood had to be spilled to save the life of a traitor (me. you. them.) so he gives his own life. pain and shame and all that comes with death. seeing the enemy's face when they think they have outsmarted truth and that they have won. the look of pain on a face that knows he must be murdered before anyone will understand what he is doing. and then the glory and overwhelming joy at seeing the beauty and strength of the life that was brought back to... life. and knowing that everything will be fine, more than fine, amazing, because he's back and he loves you and you understand why he did what he did and cant believe that it was all for you, when you should have been the one who was murdered a hundred times over. and even those who the enemy thinks they have taken are brought back to life by him who has returned. i get breathless just thinking about it. is that weird? not that i really care. it was so beautiful. it painted the picture of the truth in salvation and grace and sacrifice and strength in the way that nothing else could.
and apart from all the spiritual stuff, it made me miss isaiah soooooo much. my older brother is seriously one of the most amazing people in the world. we think differently and believe differently and eat differently and relate differently, but he loves me so much. even though he doesnt believe in this life of ministry that i am working toward, he will sit and ask and listen just to try to understand because it obviously means so much to me. if i devote my entire life to something then he supports me no matter what and will be open to it. and he will fight for me. the movie is obviously a fantastical version, but in any sense of life, fantasy or otherwise, he would fight for and love me just as hard and diligently and passionately as the oldest brother in the story fights for and loves his siblings. and the caring side as well. if we had to run away from danger, he would not let me fall behind. if i was cold he would find me a coat and make sure it stayed on. if something threatened me he would put himself on the line in front of me. not many people have someone in their life who they know loves them that deeply AND are willing to give their all and really FIGHT anything for them. i love him. and i miss him.
who would have thought crying through a disney movie would have such an effect on me....

short and simple. i wish.

so many things are running through my head right now. i dont know what to do with any of them. have you ever had things in your mind that you have thought through and through and forward and backward so that you feel like you're chasing yourself in circles? actually, i havent even thought these through as thoroughly as i like to think, i've just gotten nowhere with them so as far as the tiny realm of my mind has let them expand, the thoughts have resulted in circles. i could not wait to get to school this summer. i was getting out of PA and starting the next step of god's plan for my life and meeting new people and learning... but now it all feels wrong. im home and i'm barely even excited to go back to school. not because i want to stay here, but just because in neither place do i feel like im accomplishing anything at all. "well, sometimes you just have to wait in those inbetween times and live life until it becomes clear." i've used that on other people who were restless and anxious to be in the middle of the life that god has planned for them... but i had no idea what i was saying. sorry. there's a difference between waiting and living life and being patient... and wasting time doing things you know aren't getting you any closer to gods plan and arent halping anyone else either. i know the feeling now. when imthe closest to god is when i fall, because i dont realize that i'm slipping slowly out of the contact with god that i convince myself i have. my problem, with pride as i've said before, is that when i'm doing well and on the right track, i get all puffed up and assume that everything's great and nothing wrong is happening so i 'go with the flow' of what i think is gods will until all of a sudden i realize that everything's falling apart. whats up with that? oh yeah ive taken god out of gods plan and left him on the side of the road as i drove away with my life. and then i crash and burn. and he walks up beside me, lifts me out of the smoking heap and carries me away. and i know what ive done wrong. but it happens again and again. so is that what's happening right now? am i running on my own steam (which will quickly run out)? or is this really his plan and i just need to be patient and trust? am i supposed to stay at school- at least until this summer when i can get out and away and see how things happen outside of the lab experiment? am i supposed to wait on someone and assume that if god wants it later, it will, and watch them slip away or do i step in? where is the line between taking risks for the god of the angel armies and taking the reins of my own life, leaving god behind? thoughts? i know where to look, but once again, what happens when your usual solutions DO NOT SEEM TO WORK. at a loss. working on it. time's running out. watch me take the risk.



and once again... this is all about me. i guess i failed at that today. if i could care for people half as much as i wanted to....