Note to Self

New Note to Self:
When you want so badly to see what God's will is in a situation, try getting out of the way. He really can handle it when you let go. Does the word 'surrender' sound familiar to you at all? Yeah.... I thought it would. You're trying so hard to be brave in this life, and the braver thing to do is to trust God with the big open nothingness ahead of you when you stop trying to write the story; the coward version is holding on so tightly and controllingly that you think you can predict what will happen. Would you rather take the slow and steady path drawn out so perfectly on the map, or hitch on your hang glider, take a running start and leap off the edge, feeling the air whip past your ears and watching the things of the earth shrink away below you? Well, I don't know about you, but, self, get ready to fly.

this one time i was dumb...

why do we always feel like we have to tell people things? i think i might have exploded about this before- but it probably had more to do with other people than myself or it had to do with my own frustration at wanting to shout things from the rooftops to make people pay attention to me while i refused to and kept it all inside. i mean, community's important and without truth there can be no true community, but again i ask, "where's the line between telling people things to get attention and accomplish some manipulative ulterior motive and telling them to allow true community and honesty between people?" for years i've preached that if it doesnt matter, dont say it. if someone doesnt need to know, dont tell them. people cant keep their mouths shut, so if anything has anything to do with another person- it WILL get to them. i would much rather handle my own uncomfortable situations, thank you. i guess it's different with every person. or every issue. sorry that i don't have these separated very well. and some things are harder for you to handle but easier for others when you keep it in, but easier for you and harder for them when it comes out. how selfish is that?! once again, it's all about me. way to try to fit god into your little god-box again. someday i'll remember how freaking big he is for more than five seconds after i close my bible. suck.

i hate this.

way too little?

today i walked around campus for a while. we're back so early and hardly anyone else is here. i was walking back to my dorm and decided i wouldnt have another time like that for a while. so i walked around. and sat. and looked around. i marveled at the warm weather but shivered with every cool breeze. i thought way too little and giggled whenever i liked what i was barely thinking about. other times i wanted to sob and crumple to the cold ground until someone came to find me. i dont have a cell phone. i wasnt in my room at my computer with music on. i wasnt meeting anyone at anytime or planning to do something by a certain time. there was nothing to interrupt me. i just walked. and sat. if someone wanted to find me, they would have had to put in a lot of effort. i'm not just a phone call away. what will people do to find me if they want to? how bad do they want to find me? i guess i liked the thoughts because of the stereotypical (especially in girls) desire to be pursued... in any sense of the word. effort. thats what separates some people from others, or how they feel about them. how much effort are you putting in to know them. to find them. we all do it, and we all know it, but we play dumb when we're burned by it or when we know that we are burning other people. but no, that's not fun to think about. and come on. who thinks about things that arent fun to think about? not me. i just giggle.......................................

let me fly

so i saw narnia tonight with my family. i basically cried through the whole thing. is that weird? i've just been overwhelmed with a lot lately and emotions seem to be having their way with me. the movie brought up so much. i went in knowing that the story resembles very closely that of jesus and what he did to save us stupid humans. i also knew that i was fairly emotionally unstable. all i've been wanting lately is an adventure. this movie is full of it. life and death situations, fighting for truth and being in the presence of someone (something?) so magnificent and pure and strong. knowing that your actions and decisions make a difference. and the whole sacrifice bit- so powerful when you know that it is telling the true story of a man who knew that blood had to be spilled to save the life of a traitor (me. you. them.) so he gives his own life. pain and shame and all that comes with death. seeing the enemy's face when they think they have outsmarted truth and that they have won. the look of pain on a face that knows he must be murdered before anyone will understand what he is doing. and then the glory and overwhelming joy at seeing the beauty and strength of the life that was brought back to... life. and knowing that everything will be fine, more than fine, amazing, because he's back and he loves you and you understand why he did what he did and cant believe that it was all for you, when you should have been the one who was murdered a hundred times over. and even those who the enemy thinks they have taken are brought back to life by him who has returned. i get breathless just thinking about it. is that weird? not that i really care. it was so beautiful. it painted the picture of the truth in salvation and grace and sacrifice and strength in the way that nothing else could.
and apart from all the spiritual stuff, it made me miss isaiah soooooo much. my older brother is seriously one of the most amazing people in the world. we think differently and believe differently and eat differently and relate differently, but he loves me so much. even though he doesnt believe in this life of ministry that i am working toward, he will sit and ask and listen just to try to understand because it obviously means so much to me. if i devote my entire life to something then he supports me no matter what and will be open to it. and he will fight for me. the movie is obviously a fantastical version, but in any sense of life, fantasy or otherwise, he would fight for and love me just as hard and diligently and passionately as the oldest brother in the story fights for and loves his siblings. and the caring side as well. if we had to run away from danger, he would not let me fall behind. if i was cold he would find me a coat and make sure it stayed on. if something threatened me he would put himself on the line in front of me. not many people have someone in their life who they know loves them that deeply AND are willing to give their all and really FIGHT anything for them. i love him. and i miss him.
who would have thought crying through a disney movie would have such an effect on me....

short and simple. i wish.

so many things are running through my head right now. i dont know what to do with any of them. have you ever had things in your mind that you have thought through and through and forward and backward so that you feel like you're chasing yourself in circles? actually, i havent even thought these through as thoroughly as i like to think, i've just gotten nowhere with them so as far as the tiny realm of my mind has let them expand, the thoughts have resulted in circles. i could not wait to get to school this summer. i was getting out of PA and starting the next step of god's plan for my life and meeting new people and learning... but now it all feels wrong. im home and i'm barely even excited to go back to school. not because i want to stay here, but just because in neither place do i feel like im accomplishing anything at all. "well, sometimes you just have to wait in those inbetween times and live life until it becomes clear." i've used that on other people who were restless and anxious to be in the middle of the life that god has planned for them... but i had no idea what i was saying. sorry. there's a difference between waiting and living life and being patient... and wasting time doing things you know aren't getting you any closer to gods plan and arent halping anyone else either. i know the feeling now. when imthe closest to god is when i fall, because i dont realize that i'm slipping slowly out of the contact with god that i convince myself i have. my problem, with pride as i've said before, is that when i'm doing well and on the right track, i get all puffed up and assume that everything's great and nothing wrong is happening so i 'go with the flow' of what i think is gods will until all of a sudden i realize that everything's falling apart. whats up with that? oh yeah ive taken god out of gods plan and left him on the side of the road as i drove away with my life. and then i crash and burn. and he walks up beside me, lifts me out of the smoking heap and carries me away. and i know what ive done wrong. but it happens again and again. so is that what's happening right now? am i running on my own steam (which will quickly run out)? or is this really his plan and i just need to be patient and trust? am i supposed to stay at school- at least until this summer when i can get out and away and see how things happen outside of the lab experiment? am i supposed to wait on someone and assume that if god wants it later, it will, and watch them slip away or do i step in? where is the line between taking risks for the god of the angel armies and taking the reins of my own life, leaving god behind? thoughts? i know where to look, but once again, what happens when your usual solutions DO NOT SEEM TO WORK. at a loss. working on it. time's running out. watch me take the risk.



and once again... this is all about me. i guess i failed at that today. if i could care for people half as much as i wanted to....