so many things are running through my head right now. i dont know what to do with any of them. have you ever had things in your mind that you have thought through and through and forward and backward so that you feel like you're chasing yourself in circles? actually, i havent even thought these through as thoroughly as i like to think, i've just gotten nowhere with them so as far as the tiny realm of my mind has let them expand, the thoughts have resulted in circles. i could not wait to get to school this summer. i was getting out of PA and starting the next step of god's plan for my life and meeting new people and learning... but now it all feels wrong. im home and i'm barely even excited to go back to school. not because i want to stay here, but just because in neither place do i feel like im accomplishing anything at all. "well, sometimes you just have to wait in those inbetween times and live life until it becomes clear." i've used that on other people who were restless and anxious to be in the middle of the life that god has planned for them... but i had no idea what i was saying. sorry. there's a difference between waiting and living life and being patient... and wasting time doing things you know aren't getting you any closer to gods plan and arent halping anyone else either. i know the feeling now. when imthe closest to god is when i fall, because i dont realize that i'm slipping slowly out of the contact with god that i convince myself i have. my problem, with pride as i've said before, is that when i'm doing well and on the right track, i get all puffed up and assume that everything's great and nothing wrong is happening so i 'go with the flow' of what i think is gods will until all of a sudden i realize that everything's falling apart. whats up with that? oh yeah ive taken god out of gods plan and left him on the side of the road as i drove away with my life. and then i crash and burn. and he walks up beside me, lifts me out of the smoking heap and carries me away. and i know what ive done wrong. but it happens again and again. so is that what's happening right now? am i running on my own steam (which will quickly run out)? or is this really his plan and i just need to be patient and trust? am i supposed to stay at school- at least until this summer when i can get out and away and see how things happen outside of the lab experiment? am i supposed to wait on someone and assume that if god wants it later, it will, and watch them slip away or do i step in? where is the line between taking risks for the god of the angel armies and taking the reins of my own life, leaving god behind? thoughts? i know where to look, but once again, what happens when your usual solutions DO NOT SEEM TO WORK. at a loss. working on it. time's running out. watch me take the risk.
and once again... this is all about me. i guess i failed at that today. if i could care for people half as much as i wanted to....
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