i was told by someone that they know me more now than they did two months ago. that they've learned things they didn't previously know. and that scared me for some reason. i guess i assume that because people tell me im loud and upfront and appear to be very secure in who i am... that i am consistently "that." that i let everyone know or see certain things about me, even sometimes regardless of who they are or how i know them. that i try to come across to everyone the same. and to many people, that seems brave.
i also know that people think i come across fake. insincere. because i try to be the same with most people. i can understand that.
but then for those few people with whom i actually do get much closer, i wonder if i dump a load on them. i take the deepening of the relationship as a cue to let loose, and let it all come out? is that what most people do? or do most people just continue their varying levels of intimacy with varying levels of friends and nothing's a huge surprise because anyone who knows them really knows them and sees it all coming...
maybe this other side of me is just brutally different from the parts i show the general public of friends and aquaintances.
i manipulate the world around me. i'm not thrilled about it, but i don't deny it.
i wrote a whole scene of my solo show about my subconscious internal process of handing people the exact amount of myself that i think they can handle("I'M FREAKING LOUD...OKAY?...blackout" haha), or maybe slightly more or less depending on how daring they are. so, is getting dangerously close to me your automatic ticket for the dirty load? for the stuff that you never would have thought or assumed. the things you "didn't know"?
maybe i should work toward being a more "integrated" person. the bad with the good. .................yeah i've heard that a lot.
but im still a fan of the 'who wants to see everyone's dirty laundry' line. no pun intended.
the select few. and you share theirs. but other than that just enjoy life with people...
me and my pride. my best friend.
ugh.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
an irony of sorts.
ive been struck lately with how small we make our own worlds. how introspective and individual our concerns. how every person that you walk past is concerned with themselves and their day and their life and their plans and their sadnesses and their denial and their attempts to change or stay the same.
and i am the worst. i know that.
but everyone on varying levels is this way. even mother theresa we learn had a private life in which she doubted and questioned and had individual and selfish concerns. and i love her for that. because it makes her and her work accessible. you do not have to be perfect and entirely selfless every minute of every day to do her work, you just need to continue to work and care in the midst of it.
and the trend seems to be that the more we open up and let others in, as well as care for others without thought to ourselves (or try to), the closer we come to finding the true love for ourselves and the beauty in letting other people in to love us.
unfortunately i seemed to have learned along my one-woman path through life that letting people in just leads to hurt. unnecessary. hurt that would not have happened if i had not let that person/those people in that far. and i can fully argue both sides, both for and against radical trust, don't worry. but... i put stock in my feelings because i know the control and manipulation i subject my thoughts to, and my feelings when honest (rare) reveal to me that after the whole argument with myself, the pros of keeping people out outweigh the pros of letting them in.
i don't know whether or not that's "right."
but my feelings have proved truer and authentic-er in the past. many more times than my thoughts.
so that's the me that you encounter when all you get is a smile and a loud greeting, no inquiry to your soul, and no invitations to mine. it's nothing personal against you. it's totally personal against me. and it's a battle that i'm struggling to even convince myself to fight. so, in the words of a strangely relevant monologue from my solo show about my struggle with pride... "please love me anyway?"
and here i am writing a blog of all things, the ultimate of inward-action (because i write and throw it out there gambling on whether anyone will read it, and if they do whether they will even be concerned with what i write) about acting inwardly, rather than doing something about it. as if this world wide web confession that may reach no one at all somehow justifies my continued apathy in this regard...
and i am the worst. i know that.
but everyone on varying levels is this way. even mother theresa we learn had a private life in which she doubted and questioned and had individual and selfish concerns. and i love her for that. because it makes her and her work accessible. you do not have to be perfect and entirely selfless every minute of every day to do her work, you just need to continue to work and care in the midst of it.
and the trend seems to be that the more we open up and let others in, as well as care for others without thought to ourselves (or try to), the closer we come to finding the true love for ourselves and the beauty in letting other people in to love us.
unfortunately i seemed to have learned along my one-woman path through life that letting people in just leads to hurt. unnecessary. hurt that would not have happened if i had not let that person/those people in that far. and i can fully argue both sides, both for and against radical trust, don't worry. but... i put stock in my feelings because i know the control and manipulation i subject my thoughts to, and my feelings when honest (rare) reveal to me that after the whole argument with myself, the pros of keeping people out outweigh the pros of letting them in.
i don't know whether or not that's "right."
but my feelings have proved truer and authentic-er in the past. many more times than my thoughts.
so that's the me that you encounter when all you get is a smile and a loud greeting, no inquiry to your soul, and no invitations to mine. it's nothing personal against you. it's totally personal against me. and it's a battle that i'm struggling to even convince myself to fight. so, in the words of a strangely relevant monologue from my solo show about my struggle with pride... "please love me anyway?"
and here i am writing a blog of all things, the ultimate of inward-action (because i write and throw it out there gambling on whether anyone will read it, and if they do whether they will even be concerned with what i write) about acting inwardly, rather than doing something about it. as if this world wide web confession that may reach no one at all somehow justifies my continued apathy in this regard...
Thursday, February 21, 2008
puh-oast scuh-ript
ps individualism is a negative thing. it's not being unique and independent. it's only thinking about yourself.
im craving fried chicken and some kind of cooked fish with lemon juice.
i think i need to invest more meat in my diet.
damned beans and rice. ok i lied, it's bread and cheese.
if you had 28 pounds of jarslberg swiss in your fridge, you'd be a cheese-itarian too.
im going to bed.
im craving fried chicken and some kind of cooked fish with lemon juice.
i think i need to invest more meat in my diet.
damned beans and rice. ok i lied, it's bread and cheese.
if you had 28 pounds of jarslberg swiss in your fridge, you'd be a cheese-itarian too.
im going to bed.
sufficiently failed today? check.
feeling strangely exhausted after a wasted day
why do we measure days based on the number of things to check off our guilty list?
and if we don't feel we've checked enough off, then we just feel... guilty.
check that off the list.
feel guilty. .check.
i wish my life were based on other people and relationships with them, not my overwhelming individualism and schedule.
it seems easier for others to see how to change that. just change.
and while i'm just "changing," you pick out your largest and longest struggle that is hard to alter and even harder to admit, and change that.
and we'll talk.
not impossible. just overwhelming. and depressing, which puts you right back at the start.
why do we measure days based on the number of things to check off our guilty list?
and if we don't feel we've checked enough off, then we just feel... guilty.
check that off the list.
feel guilty. .check.
i wish my life were based on other people and relationships with them, not my overwhelming individualism and schedule.
it seems easier for others to see how to change that. just change.
and while i'm just "changing," you pick out your largest and longest struggle that is hard to alter and even harder to admit, and change that.
and we'll talk.
not impossible. just overwhelming. and depressing, which puts you right back at the start.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
for you.
rest easy now.
there's no rush
rest easy now.
there are many who love you.
and though we don't always do it the best, or know how to try, the more you let us know the more we can be where we need to be.
and not just for you. but because we want to.
because you have been that for us so many times.
the least we can do is try to care back. when you need it.
so don't be sad. don't be stuck. don't think too much.
rest easy for a little while.
we'll be here.
let us be.
there's no rush
rest easy now.
there are many who love you.
and though we don't always do it the best, or know how to try, the more you let us know the more we can be where we need to be.
and not just for you. but because we want to.
because you have been that for us so many times.
the least we can do is try to care back. when you need it.
so don't be sad. don't be stuck. don't think too much.
rest easy for a little while.
we'll be here.
let us be.
trains and simple thoughts.
it whistles by
and screams a sigh
that brings you to my
memory
it rushes by
and we can spy
the words that fly
past
it chugs along
and sends a song
miles strong
winding
a yellow night
snow reflects light
and you are right
beside me
no more pretend
that i can spend
today to the end
...
without you.
and screams a sigh
that brings you to my
memory
it rushes by
and we can spy
the words that fly
past
it chugs along
and sends a song
miles strong
winding
a yellow night
snow reflects light
and you are right
beside me
no more pretend
that i can spend
today to the end
...
without you.
Friday, February 15, 2008
so there.
ok i like you.
happy?
*i know this'll be hard, because you don't have opposable thumbs, but get. a. grip.*
happy?
*i know this'll be hard, because you don't have opposable thumbs, but get. a. grip.*
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