oooh, this is my 100th post. ever. haha. i've never been a huge blog person, but i've found it really is a nice way to keep up with people and get behind their bullshit to see what's really going on.
on that note, i'm okay. i've gone on two rants in the last week about religion-ish stuff actually. it started out by apologizing to ryan that im not any sort of a spiritual encouragement in our relationship, that i wish i was because i think that often leads to healthy relationships, but that i just can't be right now because i don't know what i think well enough to say anything solid to others. it's like a person with a fever trying to explain getting better to someone with... some other disease. we're both wondering and considering, but if it weren't for the closeness i have with one other person, i'm not sure i would care as much. it's not that im struggling with whether or not to be a horrible person and give up everything, i'm just struggling to find how much i care when life seems to be pretty okay how i'm doing things now.
ok, that's cryptic. basically, when i was "really strong in my faith" and "lived life the right way," i was even more judgmental than normal, and really had this superiority complex that other people could see. i didn't have any friends outside my youth group in high school because everybody really thought i was "perfect" and couldn't understand their lives or what they were going through, and i made them feel that way. but now that i've loosened up and just started living and taking things as they come and tried to care about making people feel comfortable and cared about rather than focusing on everything they're doing "wrong"... i can live. i can enjoy life and not feel guilty all the time or judging all the time, i can relate to people and admit shitty stuff that happens and that i do and that i hate and that i love.
i can enjoy things and people instead of judging them. that's it in a nutshell.
...and i don't know what to do with churches because most of them take pride in being exactly how i used to be. whether they admit it or not. and i know because i was part of it for a long time.
so i've just kept my distance...
ok, make that three rants...
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
clean clothes and a dirty car
i have to find a way to get home. my car's inspection has expired in pennsylvania, which means if i drive it there and get caught i could get fined lots o' money (and the paternal parental says it's too rusted on the bottom to ever pass again). so i have to register it in indiana where they have no inspections and you can drive a car until it falls to pieces in the middle of the road.
awesome.
that takes time and money, apparently more than i have right now (mainly time, ironically enough) so this will turn into another "leah-screws-everything-up-by-procrastinating-and-scrounges-around-for-some-half-assed-way-to-save-the-day" fiasco.
i seem to be good at that.
today i washed my hair, dried it, shaved, wore makeup and wore clean clothes. the vampire-ness is finally all out of my system-- it took me a week and a half. i really wanted to keep those fangs, though.
awesome.
that takes time and money, apparently more than i have right now (mainly time, ironically enough) so this will turn into another "leah-screws-everything-up-by-procrastinating-and-scrounges-around-for-some-half-assed-way-to-save-the-day" fiasco.
i seem to be good at that.
today i washed my hair, dried it, shaved, wore makeup and wore clean clothes. the vampire-ness is finally all out of my system-- it took me a week and a half. i really wanted to keep those fangs, though.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
i've found my mecca!
i'm makeupless, dirty, and slightly sunburned-- the way summer is supposed to be. me, ryan, sarah and eli went camping and to holiday world from monday night to this morning, and it made me feel like a kid and a grownup at the same time. we planned (ok sarah planned), paid for and executed the entire trip on our own, brought and cooked food, did all the things that camping is good for-- but im used to going with older people who do all of that and i just show up and eat the food : ). lame, i know. i planned the whole spring break trip ryan and i took in march, but that was much simpler. so it was a nice experience to have a vacation with just my friends, and one that wasn't a bunch of young people goofing off, but two couples camping and amusement park-ing together.
HOWEVER
holiday world has an amusement park and a water park all in one. i havent been to an amusement park in years. so we're riding water slides at the water park, and we see this huge jungle gym thing for kids that has multiple water slides, fountains, spouts of water to aim at eachother all over the place, nets to crawl across, tubes to crawl through, and one of those car sized buckets at the top that fills with water and dumps it all every five minutes or so. SO much fun. i wanted to go play on it, and i saw adults in it with their kids, but everybody i was with said you had to be with your child. i was completely ready to make friends with a kid and ask if i could play on it with them. or just grab one and run to the biggest slide. but they wouldn't let me.
an hour, a water slide and a wave pool later, we head up to see the new attraction, and it's a grown-up sized water jungle gym!!!! when you're on it, there's water falling on you from every direction. little buckets are stationed everywhere that can tip on you at anytime, or can be tipped onto innocent bystanders. tubes and pipes carry water all over the place to cover every inch pf the bridges, stairs, and floors. we played there for at least another hour. it was finally a place where we could play and laugh no matter what age we were, and it was completely expected and okay! everyone turned into a bigger version of me for an hour, and i wasn't the weird energetic or annoying one or the one who laughs really loud and high-pitched and squeaks when she gets happy-- eli was jumping over all the sprinklers/fountains and sarah was riding the water slides and ryan was squirting all the little kids and holding me in front of the spraying water... it was the best time i've had in a LONG time. it even beat having a fake snowball fight with the cast of Almost, Maine in the 80 degree morning at shawnee. i would go back just for that place. it is very near and dear to my heart. we had the best pizza of our lives, rode more rides, then went back to the campsite to be grownups again.
i tried on my friend's wedding dress today. am i allowed to say that? it fit almost perfectly...
HOWEVER
holiday world has an amusement park and a water park all in one. i havent been to an amusement park in years. so we're riding water slides at the water park, and we see this huge jungle gym thing for kids that has multiple water slides, fountains, spouts of water to aim at eachother all over the place, nets to crawl across, tubes to crawl through, and one of those car sized buckets at the top that fills with water and dumps it all every five minutes or so. SO much fun. i wanted to go play on it, and i saw adults in it with their kids, but everybody i was with said you had to be with your child. i was completely ready to make friends with a kid and ask if i could play on it with them. or just grab one and run to the biggest slide. but they wouldn't let me.
an hour, a water slide and a wave pool later, we head up to see the new attraction, and it's a grown-up sized water jungle gym!!!! when you're on it, there's water falling on you from every direction. little buckets are stationed everywhere that can tip on you at anytime, or can be tipped onto innocent bystanders. tubes and pipes carry water all over the place to cover every inch pf the bridges, stairs, and floors. we played there for at least another hour. it was finally a place where we could play and laugh no matter what age we were, and it was completely expected and okay! everyone turned into a bigger version of me for an hour, and i wasn't the weird energetic or annoying one or the one who laughs really loud and high-pitched and squeaks when she gets happy-- eli was jumping over all the sprinklers/fountains and sarah was riding the water slides and ryan was squirting all the little kids and holding me in front of the spraying water... it was the best time i've had in a LONG time. it even beat having a fake snowball fight with the cast of Almost, Maine in the 80 degree morning at shawnee. i would go back just for that place. it is very near and dear to my heart. we had the best pizza of our lives, rode more rides, then went back to the campsite to be grownups again.
i tried on my friend's wedding dress today. am i allowed to say that? it fit almost perfectly...
Sunday, August 10, 2008
self help 101 for extroverted control freaks
so here's the thing-- i can't tell when anonymous comments are from ryan or not... because he only leaves his name if he's sad, and i think he wants me to think that more people read this than actually do. i'll imagine all the people that the anonymous comments could be from, and laugh to myself regardless.
so... my amazing life. it's pretty fun, but i think that's just because i make it fun. when you let yourself be excited about all the little things that possibly could be exciting... life is a lot more fun.
like ice cream. i've eaten 1/4 gallon of ice cream in the last 36 hours. and every time i think about eating it, i get excited. food in general does that for me. that means at least 3 really exciting things to look forward to every single day.
like picking clothes to wear. when reaching into a box of clothes and accepting the challenge of making whatever is in your hands work together as an outfit for the day... exciting.
i teased and hair-sprayed my hair every night for dracula and now i have three or four messy dreadlocks... leave them for a while, wear a hat for dreads, take them out before the next show im in...exciting.
i learned after being depressed and selfish in high school that life really is what you make of it. even if you don't have the best opportunities in the world... you 're gonna be alive for a WHILE, so make it fun. because nobody else is going to do make it fun for you. maybe every once in a while, but the majority of the responsibility falls on you.
and it's fun to be around other people like that too-- me and hawaii boy had lots of fun this summer at shawnee just because we could enjoy the day and look forward to the next one. and i was a stage manager. there is nothing fun about that every day. and yes, all this takes some practice, but it's like learning to read, the more you do it, the more options you have. ...ok bad metaphor, but go find whatever your ice cream is, and love every minute of it.
...the end.
so... my amazing life. it's pretty fun, but i think that's just because i make it fun. when you let yourself be excited about all the little things that possibly could be exciting... life is a lot more fun.
like ice cream. i've eaten 1/4 gallon of ice cream in the last 36 hours. and every time i think about eating it, i get excited. food in general does that for me. that means at least 3 really exciting things to look forward to every single day.
like picking clothes to wear. when reaching into a box of clothes and accepting the challenge of making whatever is in your hands work together as an outfit for the day... exciting.
i teased and hair-sprayed my hair every night for dracula and now i have three or four messy dreadlocks... leave them for a while, wear a hat for dreads, take them out before the next show im in...exciting.
i learned after being depressed and selfish in high school that life really is what you make of it. even if you don't have the best opportunities in the world... you 're gonna be alive for a WHILE, so make it fun. because nobody else is going to do make it fun for you. maybe every once in a while, but the majority of the responsibility falls on you.
and it's fun to be around other people like that too-- me and hawaii boy had lots of fun this summer at shawnee just because we could enjoy the day and look forward to the next one. and i was a stage manager. there is nothing fun about that every day. and yes, all this takes some practice, but it's like learning to read, the more you do it, the more options you have. ...ok bad metaphor, but go find whatever your ice cream is, and love every minute of it.
...the end.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
life again
another ridiculous unpredictable summer. it's not quite over yet, but today is the day that i will begin the culture shock transition back into real life.
in so many ways.
im in dracula this week. it's been such a great experience. it's still hard to sit and watch acting instead of doing much of it, but apparently the three of us "brides of dracula" scare the shit out of the audience every night even if we do only have six lines ; )
and it's a very professional show. that's the response we're getting the most. 300 people in the audience last night (quote unquote sold out) and biggest house of the summer. and the matinee today has great ticket numbers as well. great show to end on. now i have to start considering whether or not i would be interested in coming back next summer if i have the opportunity to. isn't that what this whole sumer was for? i think so...
in so many ways.
im in dracula this week. it's been such a great experience. it's still hard to sit and watch acting instead of doing much of it, but apparently the three of us "brides of dracula" scare the shit out of the audience every night even if we do only have six lines ; )
and it's a very professional show. that's the response we're getting the most. 300 people in the audience last night (quote unquote sold out) and biggest house of the summer. and the matinee today has great ticket numbers as well. great show to end on. now i have to start considering whether or not i would be interested in coming back next summer if i have the opportunity to. isn't that what this whole sumer was for? i think so...
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