and who's to really say.

oooh, this is my 100th post. ever. haha. i've never been a huge blog person, but i've found it really is a nice way to keep up with people and get behind their bullshit to see what's really going on.

on that note, i'm okay. i've gone on two rants in the last week about religion-ish stuff actually. it started out by apologizing to ryan that im not any sort of a spiritual encouragement in our relationship, that i wish i was because i think that often leads to healthy relationships, but that i just can't be right now because i don't know what i think well enough to say anything solid to others. it's like a person with a fever trying to explain getting better to someone with... some other disease. we're both wondering and considering, but if it weren't for the closeness i have with one other person, i'm not sure i would care as much. it's not that im struggling with whether or not to be a horrible person and give up everything, i'm just struggling to find how much i care when life seems to be pretty okay how i'm doing things now.
ok, that's cryptic. basically, when i was "really strong in my faith" and "lived life the right way," i was even more judgmental than normal, and really had this superiority complex that other people could see. i didn't have any friends outside my youth group in high school because everybody really thought i was "perfect" and couldn't understand their lives or what they were going through, and i made them feel that way. but now that i've loosened up and just started living and taking things as they come and tried to care about making people feel comfortable and cared about rather than focusing on everything they're doing "wrong"... i can live. i can enjoy life and not feel guilty all the time or judging all the time, i can relate to people and admit shitty stuff that happens and that i do and that i hate and that i love.
i can enjoy things and people instead of judging them. that's it in a nutshell.
...and i don't know what to do with churches because most of them take pride in being exactly how i used to be. whether they admit it or not. and i know because i was part of it for a long time.
so i've just kept my distance...


ok, make that three rants...