this paper i wrote...

Everyone likes to assume that they know all about love. They will probably also try to publicly announce that they do not know about love, in order to receive the humility factor from an audience, but deep down they really think they have got it all figured out. Young women are no different. We expect the certain and calculated distance from those fateful three words with any man in a relationship, but that has become more of a tradition than a humble self-understanding. I have, however, taken it upon myself to write all about romantic love. Now of course, I make the statement that as a nineteen year old girl I really have no idea what I’m talking about, but deep down I probably think that it all makes perfect sense, that I am right, and that everyone should listen to me. Well, I give you free reign to make your own judgments… at the end of this writing. My exploration in life thus far on love has led me to three types of discoveries: those which have become personal values, those which I have accepted as beliefs down to the very core of my being, and simply my hopes and longings. The journey that has carried me to these ends (or means to ends considering my age) can be generalized into a very simple term: life.
Personal values hold their authority within a person simply because they do. They are ideas that make sense, are proved true, and become a part of us for reasons that we sometimes do not even understand. I hold the value that no Christian should be romantically involved with a non-Christian. This is Scriptural of course, but I have taken it as my own for reasons other than the black and white biblical text has told me so. The apostle Paul’s words on marriage instruct us either to get married or stay single depending on which will help you serve the Lord the best. Therefore, spouses are meant to help each other serve God and fulfill each other’s purpose in the body of Christ. As it is, nonbelievers miss out on their opportunity to fill the place that God has created for them and their individual gifts and passions, so in a marriage relationship there is no way that a nonbeliever could accomplish this goal. On a similar note, if a person is romantically involved with another person, Christian or otherwise, with whom they realize they cannot foresee spending a life, that relationship should cease to be a romantic one as soon as possible. I am not implying that relationships should be solely based on marriage goals, but potential is an important factor in a “more-than-friends” relationship. Sometimes romance in a relationship continues even after the certainty of marriage is overruled, often by only one person in the couple, but in those cases the people continue to grow closer and closer while it is inevitable that they are going to separate. The separation will be harder later the longer the relationship is allowed to continue. These values have come to mean so much to me because of past relationships I have been in as well as others that I have observed in others. I dated someone years ago in who was debatably a Christian, and after a few months of a not-the-healthiest relationship I came to the conclusion that it was nice for the time but I would never spend my entire life with him. In order to avoid conflict, I wanted to let the relationship go until it fizzled out on its own, however, I knew not long after that for his sake I needed to end it before we got any closer because then it would just be harder on him. Fortunately, by taking the lessons I learned from that situation as personal values, I was saved from difficult relationships in the future.
Beliefs are stronger than values. They are often based religiously or spiritually, and have a stronger background than just thinking they are right, but rather believing whether or not something exists. For example, contrary to some of the philosophers in Plato’s symposium, I do not believe in romantic soul mates. I believe God makes us a certain way to be compatible with a certain kind of other person. There is more than one person on earth that each of us could do well alongside, but there is no guarantee that we will marry one of these types of people. I also believe that love is a choice rather than an emotion alone, and these two ideas together create messy relationships and marriages. The English language’s single version of the word love makes this even more difficult, but romantic love especially is a decision. When new couples decide not to use the word love at first, I hope it is because they have not chosen to completely romantically love the other person yet. Unfortunately in the cases I have seen, the abstinence of the words “I love you” merely serves as an excuse to make some grand revelation after a few weeks or months when they seem to “discover” that they really have “fallen in love” and that it is probably the “first real time” because no one has ever made them “feel like this before.” I admit that I have used some of these excuses, but not to the extent of many others I have witnessed. And in these cases, every new “love” seems to fill the role of this illustrious and elusive soul mate. And when one does not work out, the next one to come along fills that opening. I have seen people divorce their self-declared “soul-mate,” which shows one of two things: either their soul mate was not really the soul mate for whom they had searched, or they had simply chosen to love them no longer. Both ways prove a point. I firmly believe that soul mates do not exist and that love is a conscious choice.
My hopes and longings are a culmination of all these ideas that I value and believe, and they point me in regards to romantic love toward a God who knows all things and wants the best for me. I do not believe he has preordained a magically perfect boy somewhere for me to marry, but I do believe that he knows if and who I will marry simply because he knows and sees all. If I seek after God rather than a boy, then A right one, rather than THE right one, will cross my path eventually if not already. I hope and long for someone who has similar passions as me to serve the hurting people of the world in the name of the Lord, to be willing to sacrifice and live simply, and to understand my passions for worship and helping people find their place in the body of Christ. I hope and long for this type of man someday, but not in a way that will find me sitting around waiting for him or trying out everyone along the way. I constantly need to remind myself to focus on God and the work that he has here for me to do. If I am looking at the world through God’s eyes, then I will have a better chance of seeing men through God’s eyes as well, and to be honest, there is no way that I would rather see them. You can make your judgments now.


for real- leave comments of your thoughts...

keep going.

why. why are you still here with me? didnt you see what ive done?
in my shame i want to run. and hide myself. but its here i see the truth.
i dont deserve you.
but i need you to love me...
and i, i wont keep my heart from you this time.
and i'll stop this pretending that i can somehow deserve what i already have.
i need you to love me...
i, i have wasted so much time pushing you away from me.
i just never saw how you could cherish me.
'cause youre a god who has all things,
and still you want me.
and i need you to love me...
and i, iwont keep my heart from you this time.
and i'll stop this pretending that i can somehow deserve what i already have.
your love makes me forget what i have been. your love makes me see who i really am.
your love makes me forget what i have been.
and i need you to love me...
and ill stop this pretending that i can somehow deserve what i already have.
i need you to love me...

sorry if i scared you... no im not.

where are you? why wont you answer me? why have i felt like im going through all of this alone? im trying to include you, but i cant find you to even ask. im angry. im angry that it has hurt for so long, and you wont even prove to me that youre here. or there. or anywhere. i know that youre somewhere waiting. well, i gave up on myself and life to try to find you today... and i couldnt. you were elusive. i was running after you (almost literally) and it felt like you were running away from me. you werent. i know that. i know that youre everywhere, all the time. my head knows that. but my heart wont believe it. apparently that's my big problem- im letting my heart take over and not using my mind. talking about things i feel, not that i know. well, try and convince yourself of something that your heart will not agree to know. just try.