a stream of consciousness

i think of you every time i hear a train whistle blow. and i remember how much i want to mean something to you. and i remember how messed up i am that i never could. and it makes me want to change. but i dont want to change for you. i want to change for Him. why isnt He enough? why can i find motivation everywhere else? why is the only thing that matters the one thing that doesnt seem to matter at all? have i let myself fall so far that i'll never make it back to the top? ive been thinking a lot. again. i stopped there for a while. and it didnt hurt. it was nice. but there is no standing still... there is only growing and falling. and so of course in my absence of growing... i was falling. when i thought i was standing still. now im looking around, trying to find the way back up. i dont want to climb a ladder. i dont want to be lifted by a rope or in a basket. i dont want to claw my way up the slope. i just want to find what brought me down here and retrace the steps ive taken, but in the opposite direction. then i'll be able to see where ive been. and what i wasnt seeing on my way down. and the people and things i had left broken along the way. maybe i'll even be able to lift them and carry them back with me.
im still trying to do this on my own. im not used to hearing trains.