don't feed the plants!

hey anderson kiddies- i'll be there on saturday (scholarship interview)- it would be lovely to see you! i have the evening to just hang out and i miss you all!

so break was kinda crazy....i did just about no homework but then stayed up insanely late the night before school started getting caught up- which just led into two weeks of not sleeping at all and trying to get work done. it's what i should be doing right now- there's constantly about four things i should be doing, but I've had between 1 and a half and 5 hours of sleep every night this week due to homework and i just want to finish this, read the bio lab and english short stories and then go to bed. haha okay never mind i guess the lazy thing doesn't work anyway. i seriously need to get more sleep though.
auditions for penncrest musical were yesterday. that always makes things interesting. it's fun being a senior for music related things at school because everybody kinda looks up to you. the directors had me go first- don't know if that was planned or not. i knew the part by heart because i'm a nerd and know the whole show already but then some of the girls got all freaked out and thought we weren't allowed to use music. nervous girls at an audition always make an interesting group. anyway- they went well and i think i have a fairly good chance at audrey or one of the doo-wop girls... theater's one of those things that i have the most trouble giving to god. i had theater before i had god (even though he had me), but it's not a habit i'm trying to get rid of or anything...i'm going to use it for the rest of my life and i've decided to let him use it for his work--and it's very exciting but it's a daily struggle. especially for something like a high school show where i would love to have a certain part and worry that maybe i'll get cast as someone else or that things won't work out for whatever reason. but that doesn't matter. half the kids who'll be in the show won't have any idea of what christ did for them and what it actually means, and yet i manage to worry about which part i'll get. ugh. that's why i'm going straight to a christian school to study theatre instead of a theatre school followed by grad work in ministry...because i don't want to let myself get into it for the wrong reasons. from the very beginning i want it to be for christ...NOT me. theatre is such a selfish profession- only god can change that . it will be a daily struggle even after college i'm sure, but i wouldn't be happy/successful (maybe not by the world's standards but who caress?) doing anything else...it's what i was created for. and that's such an amazing feeling- to know why you're on this planet. it seems like every teenager wonders at some point or another "why are we here?...why am i here?" and let me just tell you- god made each of us to do a specific thing that only we can do...and if you ask him to help you find it and start working toward it, life takes on a whole meaning. but, obviously, that doesn't necessarily mean it gets easier- just easier to handle knowing that the god who made the whole universe is on your side. you don't have to go through it on your own. *sigh* i wish i could get this through my head. it's like, a minute by minute thing that goes back and forth. i just want to live for god- give him everything i have because it doesn't mean anything if i just try to use it for whatever i feel like. i want my drama to become about the people that god is reaching through it...not what part i get or how well i sing. i just want to leave myself behind and let god's amazing unconditional love shine through me to everyone around so they can spend forever and ever in the real heaven with their creator. haha...sure it's "hard" and "uncomfortable" at times, but who says serving god is comfortable? it's what comes from it later that is important- telling people the truth that god has shown you so that they can learn what you are learning. okay i guess i'm kind of starting to repeat myself, but this is how it goes through my head. i keep reminding myself of the joy i have when i'm doing drama for christ...it means so much more than any number of lead roles or dance sequences. well, there's my heart i guess. do with it what you want. but trust god with yours. he's the only one who knows how to take care of it.

**no more memories no more silent tears. no more gazing across the wasted years....**