breakfast and faith

i have nothing to do.
it's amazing.

i woke up at 8:30 am with eli and sarah and ate mocha cookies we made last night and now we're making breakfast and they don't have to work until thursday and i only have class from 1 to 3... this week is GLORIOUS. and ryan is not here. that is a travesty. and i hear a train.

i dreamed last night that someone was trying to make me overcome my fear of thunderstorms by putting me in the middle of them. then i woke up to a thunderstorm. i remembered that the windows in my car were open. and knew that i was way too afraid to get up and go outside and close them. so now my car is very wet. more so than it already was. damn.

i've realized that if i do things out of a sense of guilt, they won't mean much to me. like getting a hold on the limping cripple of a "faith" i have right now. if i try to "fix" it all and get back in touch because i have time to think and 'i should have done it all along,' i know that i'll just make myself feel horrible for it and then get right back to where i am now as soon as i get busy again. i guess i'm waiting for something to happen genuinely. but that's an excuse. so maybe i just need to try a different way. not just reading verses and apologizing and feeling guilty and crying and having one more thing to beat myself up over... but start where i am and build from here instead of knocking myself back down to start from the bottom. the knocking down thing seems to work for some people. and it used to work for me. but i think i'm too "already" self-destructive for that. so here's to a slow process of liking being a "christian" again, or what i can make of it and still stand myself. or to start with what i have and know that i'm okay, and go from there. yeah. that could work.