third world faith

hmmm. i dont know what my deal is. but i think i've become... complacent maybe? i feel like i'm not accomplishing anything. college makes me really selfish. i'm all concerned with what MY schedule is like and when I'M going to eat and what classes I need to take and when and who I want to hang out with and when I need to be alone and the homework that I need to do and what MY problems are and how i expect others to deal with them. ugh. it makes me sick, because i feel like it's just expected. life is a movie about me right? i seem to be the star of every single scene that i've ever watched... but even with that in mind, my movie needs to be about god through me. i've grown so blah because it's a christian campus here... not everyone is a christian but everyone is expected/assumed to be. why make a big deal about your faith or try to evangelize to a bunch of christians? yeah right. kids here need jesus as much as anyone else, they just are often more stubborn against hearing it because they've heard it all before. so here i am not feeling like there's a need to be met, not feeling challenged or persecuted or like there's anything to fight... and who wants to sit around and not be fighting for something? so of course satan takes that and whispers 'yup, theres nothing for you to do here because nobody wants to hear it anyway. you have four years until you need to be responsible for your faith again so why dont you just chill? you're at a christian school, why do you need to work so hard to keep up being a christian- it's assumed whether you actually do it or not...' and so here i am struggling with things that i've never needed to struggle with before and getting so caught up in myself and sitting around and not doing anything of value. i need to be somewhere that forces me to put all my trust in god. that doesn't give me any other choice. it's like exercising- who keeps up an exercise program on their own if they are only holding themselves accountable? but if they are on a team that practices every day then they have no choice but to run their brains out and work muscles until they scream with pain. it is hard and grueling at the time but at the end of the day they know that they accomplished something that day and that they will be different tomorrow because of it. i need that type of situation with god. something that forces me to put into use what i know to be true but cant bring myself to do on my own. another dumb analogy-- allergies are a first world disease. people in third world countries dont have allergies because their bodies are too busy trying to stay alive. first world bodies really have nothing better to do and so develop health issues with random things... my faith has become like a body with allergies, dealing with things that dont really matter and spending way too much money on allergy medication just so that i can have relief because god forbid i should be uncomfortable. i need a third world faith, that strips down to the bare minimum, the basics of christ and his love for me and my love (however seemingly shallow right now) for him, and forces me to strive just for my faith to survive... because then at the end of the day when i have followed christ through the storms and droughts and i know that i am still not too far behind him, i can sit back and say, yeah, i accomplished something today. and i'm gonna be stronger tomorrow because of it. i want to remember how it feels to be desperate for christ and the relief of finding him when you expected to find nothing to hold onto. because those are the stories that i can really tell people. and they will understand the desperation and see a difference in me and want to know more about this mysterious jesus character. and that's life. ugh- i just want to go. go and make disciples. take up my cross and follow him, not make him wait four years until I'M ready to go out into the world with his message...