if only...

i dont know how much i have to say today. or how much i can say. i hate keeping things from people, but i seem to be freaking good at it. we'll see what happens when i don't sit down with anything specific to say...

i get to go home in three days. that seems so soon but it feels like forever just because of all the things i have to do before then. this whole riding home thing is getting confusing- we have ten people to get from anderson to meadville, and three cars. i'm not in charge of any of it though, i'll just give gas money to whoever is driving the vehicle i'm in... it will be really nice to be back- get out of the college life for a little while.

...i hate letting any thing other than christ or even myself dictate what i do. i'm letting something else make all the little decisions in life. the big ones are affected by something completely different, but the little ones all seem to depend on this one thing, no matter how far i try to push it from my mind and get down to the bottom of me, the rawest part, where i can't hide from myself. the inescapable truths that are there, but that i've smothered in spending so long watching and trying to mimic others and push down the parts of me that i didnt think fit this perfect emotional/physical/spiritual mold i've created in my mind. who is that girl in my mind? she's not me, she's not even possible. she is a conglomeration of all the things that i admire in other people and that i feel i should/could be myself if only... if only... she doesn't exist. she can't exist. god didn't create her. he created me... here ya go world! leah. bam. like it or leave it i guess. i know that i'm not done. my work has barely begun, and god most certainly isn't finished with me yet. and he/i wont be done until it's time for me to go. so yeah, i guess it's fine for me to have a mold in my mind- something i'm working to become. i guess it just needs to be a molding mold. constantly changing... as i change and allow god to change me. god doesnt try to fit me into a box, so why should i do that to him? or to myself. he wants me to fly. and he will be there the whole time. hmmm, so this sounds all fine and dandy... someone told me recently that i work out a lot of my own questions by talking (or writing) about them... processing them in solid word form... but i'm still left knowing that i understand all of this about myself and i know that i should fix it... but i'll get up tomorrow morning and start subconsciously answering the simple questions of the day with my cute little bias. to satisfy that cute little unsatisfyable part of myself. ugh. i'm getting there...it just seems like whenever i manage to get both feet on the train for five seconds, i get knocked off the track again and i didnt even see it coming. god- help me to be constant. and aware. and ready to see it coming.