thank god

i feel horrible tonight...my sincere apologies to anyone who had the unfortunate experience of talking to me. and i'm being flooded with memories that i've been trying so hard to forget. if i could actually do something with them it would be a different story, but there's something else i have to do first...that requires more than just my willingness. but god knows all about it, and holds me even when i get so caught up in crap here on earth that i forget to feel him around me. thank god. literally.

*new song*....si tu savais.

yay

thanks for turning a yucky day into a really good one! we're such nerds!

as for the rest of you....we MUST hang out over break! i miss you all soo much.

*disgusted*

i make myself sick. thank you for being truth...even if you don't realize it. and for pulling me away from the sun, even though i keep straining to go back.

and apologies to anyone that i've hurt. i'm still trying to do it my way.....for my own good. but that doesn't work, and people get hurt.

once upon a time

has anyone ever read you a fairy tale? and taken you to places magical? where homes are made of gingerbread and skies are always blue, where pumpkins turn to coaches and wishes all come true. has anyone ever sung you a lullaby? you can fly above the rainclouds, close your eyes. let the melody carry you, leave all your fears behind, and float across the rainbow skies to once upon a time. once upon a time, i believed in miracles. once upon a time, i believed love would conquer all. once upon a time, i believed anything was possible, and i believed again the moment when i saw you here tonight. now once upon a time has never felt more right!
--brooklyn the musical

merry christmas everyone

when you just can't smile big enough

oh man am i selfish. if any of you wonder why my blog name is icharus girl....three words for you: pride pride and pride. ugh i'm so sick of it. i guess you could say that's my whatever that paul talks about not wanting to do but doing it anyway. thankfully, god has shown me what's up and helps me when i ask for it...but the tricky thing with pride is that it's often the reason that you don't ask for god's help, because you think you're good enough or have enough of god to 'get you through the day.' the very times when you feel like you don't need him...are the times you find out you need him the most. but you don't usually find that out until after you've done something stupid. and then you're like 'god i did something really stupid' and he's like 'yeah i know...let me help you.' i can't even begin to understand the love that he has- that he can keep taking me back. he's not the god of second chances...he's the god of infinite chances. i don't have that kind of patience with people (or myself for that matter). but then again i'm not god. so if you have an issue and you just keep messing up- don't lose hope. you're not by yourself, and god will never laugh at you or tell you i told you so or say geez i can't believe you did that again...he's just that perfect loving father that will smile and say 'i know...let me help you.'

so it's christmas now...i guess i should write something christmasy. ummmm- i'm sick of christmas songs. seriously. there are like eighteen different songs and all you ever hear are different arrangements of the same songs done by all different people in ways to try to make them unique...so then you get those off the wall versions and you just think 'wow. somebody tried way too hard.' on a happier note...i had an awesome conversation with a friend of mine coming home from school the other day. we were talking about what christmas is and what it's become...he isn't necessarily a christian but we were both open to what the other had to say, and it was really neat to think things through. i'm a firm believer that doubt (if handled by searching for the answer rather than giving up) isn't bad at all, but makes you stronger. if someone asks you the type of questions like why you believe something, the 'because i do' answers won't work very far past junior high. but do you really know why? have you ever thought about it? or will you just try to look ultra-christian or whatever and just say yes my way is right and it's the only way and i don't even think about anything else. i mean sure, i believe that the faith i have in jesus is the most successful way to live life and will get me to heaven and i believe that it is the only way to heaven but if someone tells me what they believe or ask questions that i never thought about, i'll listen and take it in. and if i don't know something, i'll say that i don't know, pray about it and eventually come to an answer that will make me that much stronger and more prepared for if someone asks me later on. at least i hope that's how i am (back to that pride thing again)...it's how i think i try to be. but most people are too afraid to talk about beliefs and stuff with people who are 'christians' because we've gained this negative stereotype of being closeminded and stubborn, so i haven't had much of a chance to try my theory haha. but basically we went all over the place from christmas to jesus' birth to jesus' death and who/what/where/why god is and why we're here (it was a very interesting conversation) and i was trying to explain (to the best of my ability, which doesn't say much) that it was all based on love. that all of it happened to save us, because god loves us. we were created because he wanted to love us, and the fact that god doesn't need us to love him back...it's not like he's insecure or anything. and at the very end of the conversation my friend had a 'thought' all of a sudden- that god doesn't need us to love him, but he does all of the things he does because he wants to help us. i mean, it all just seemed to make sense...to both of us haha. i had had some random doubts while we talked but god was still with me the whole time. and as crazy and off track as we had gone, the very last statement pulled it all together and we both had a peace about it. at least i think. god is awesome, no matter how a conversation ends, but it's so exciting when something happens and you practically see him around you and you just can't smile big enough because you KNOW he is real. so by the way, if anyone was wondering...it's because of experiences like THAT that i know he's real ; ).

what really matters.....

listening to: little shop of horrors (we're gonna do it at school in march...come see)

so this one time i wasn't selfish. oh wait...no never mind. that's never happened. i'm so sick of doing things for me. i sit here and there's a fight in my head. if i let myself go for two seconds then i start thinking the craziest things, then i remind myself that it's not about that...but then i go right back to thinking the same way. i can't make myself stay on track for two seconds! if i can just let myself believe that god has me perfectly in his hands and i don't need to try to handle things! he's so much better at this whole life deal than i am. and who knows....maybe if i just let go and trust him now...things may just work out the way i keep thinking god wants them. but things definitely won't end up the right way (whichever way that may be) if i try to control them. you would think it would be easier to let go...less work involved in not holding onto things...but sometimes it seems harder to just let go! why do we always want to tell people about our problems? why can't we be satisfied with telling god? he's the only one that matters anyway. well, people blow things out of proportions. but i think sometimes we blow things out of proportions just by deeming them important enough to tell people. maybe instead of saying "so...this is what's new in my life, isn't it crazy?" we should just say "so...i'm struggling with this, will you pray for me to be able to do what god wants?" or maybe we should focus on things that we successfully worked through in the past, and instead of worrying about today we could actually stop and celebrate how far we've come, thank god for being so amazing and that he really does answer prayers, and trust him to keep on doing the same things he's promised for the last 2000 years. what an idea! and all of this goes for everything... including relationships. what good would anything be if we are like "hey you're kinda cute...let's date." okay so not quite that lame. but god never says "okay i put one perfect person on the earth for you...go look for him!" he says "spend your life serving other people and me and you will be better off than the people who think they have it so good...by the way, if i lead you to get married then make sure you marry someone who will (surprise!) help you serve me better." and serving doesn't mean servitude like a slave, like be miserable all your life, but it's that whole put others first thing. god created the world so that if you put others before yourself and 'serve' him with your life, you won't live like a miserable slave but he will reward you beyond what you can imagine. so why aren't we all rich? well this is where heaven comes in. that's where we'll live FOREVER in mansions on a perfect earth (if we believe that the only way we can get there is to accept the fact that we screwed up and jesus' dying is the only way that we can be saved). okay so im kinda off track but basically, serving him is ALL THAT SHOULD MATTER. in anything. and anything means everything. and everything includes who/if you marry. and just like everything else...you'll be much better off if you do it his way. so why do i care? why am i so consumed in things that i don't need to worry about? god has it in control, and as long as i keep asking him to lead me, and actually listen to what he says and try to follow, then everything will be taken care of. he promises that. and god can not lie. so am i still trying to be selfish...and get attention just by writing this? i hope not. so if you're reading this...don't think about me. think about yourself, or better yet, think about god. he deserves all our thoughts and then some. just take a minute and be like'...hey god...you're a pretty cool cat.' and then just be still. and know. that he is god. HE IS GOD. not us. but a god that loves us soooo much. ha- you just spoke to the CREATOR of the UNIVERSE. and he listened. and he wants to listen to you always. THAT is crazy. but god never calls us to be normal. "if it seems that we are crazy...it is only to bring glory to god" (2cor5:13)...notice how it doesn't say "to bring attention to ourselves." so god, help it not be me anymore. shine through me with so much love that people won't be able to deny you anymore. even if i'm crazy, let it bring glory to you...not attention to me. and show me how to trust you in everything...from relationships to whatever matters most in each of our lives. by the way god...you're a pretty cool cat.

seize something!

wow so i love how you can get all fired up about something but then realize you aren't making much of a difference. you sit there and are like, 'okay so this is when it gets real. i'm actually going to live what i say and what i believe and i'm really gonna do it. starting....now.' and then you don't do anything. okay i don't know about you, but then i don't do anything. and it's frustrating. i know i'm not the first to use this verse this week but it's fairly applicable (the bible usually is...) "i don't understand myself at all, for i really want to do what is right, but i don't do it. instead, i do the very thing i hate. i know perfectly well that what i am doing is wrong...but i can't help myself...i know i am rotten through and through...no matter which way i turn, i can't make myself do right. i want to, but i can't. when i want to do good, i don't. and when i try not to do wrong, i do it anyway." i'd say paul hit the nail right on the head with that one. at least it's encouraging to know that christians have felt that way for thousands of years, but at the same time...oh look we were screwing up then and we're still screwing up now. yeah...it's called life. but it's discouraging to be sitting somewhere thinking 'this is it- i should be doing this-and-that' and then just sitting there until the opportunity is gone. carpe diem! what do they say at anderson? carpe momento! we only have so many moments on this planet and each one should be used for something. ahh but i like to sleep. and that accomplishes a lot in this spiritual warfare...riiight. i'm really good at talking about the stuff other people should be doing, but i'm lacking in the 'GO DO IT' area for myself. so if i've tried to sound like a know it all- i apologize. and please help me to see things myself. be a nathan and tell me straight up if i'm too close to the sun to hear god say it. sometimes we need those voices here on earth. like i've said, god can come disguised in many forms if he's trying to tell us something. i just keep trying to remind myself "that's not what it's about" when other things get in the way. maybe i should change the 'ABBA' on my hand to 'NOT ME.' maybe it would better serve its purpose.

by the way-- medeival dinner theatre was this weekend (into the woods) and we successfully got into a snowball war (not a fight...this was war) after the saturday show. fortunately they've planned for us to do it again during school on friday for the student body (the show not the snowball fight) so i get to be cinderella one last time. and enhance the bruises on my knees from scrubbing the floor all through the first scene. the boys would be so proud.
and friday night approx. 9 to 11 (after the basketball game)--youth hangout at lyona...live band (guess who!) and lots of fun so plan on coming out and seeing us.

si tu savais

melt me away...to the true center

i'm done being fake. corinthians says (in so many words) 'i don't want anyone to think any more highly of me than what they can actually see in my life and in my message.' and what they see had better be real. but unfortunately it's very often not. it's so easy to think of the 'christian life' as trying to look like you're perfect and making no mistakes because it would reflect badly on god. ha--whatever. he's plenty powerful enough that he doesn't need us posing for people to think highly of him. no that's just what i keep thinking i need. we aren't perfect. we never will be on this earth. if we were perfect then there would be no need for GRACE. grace is the fact that god LOVES us so much despite all the horrible things we do..if somehow we were made perfect when we became a christian then grace wouldn't even exist and god would be a liar by saying he gives it. besides, perfection is unattainable. if we're trying to tell people about the LOVE that this god has for us and them but that they can only get it if they're 'oh so perfect and holy' like us (riiiight)...they're just going to turn right around and walk away. they can't be perfect. and neither can we. so why are we pretending? we all have messes that we try to hide. that we don't want people to see because 'then what would they think of us??' but people aren't attracted to perfection, they're attracted to reality. people want to hear stories. if we have all of these things that god has helped us through, all these messes that god has cleaned up, then tell people! if we don't it just makes us fake...living lives that don't reflect our experiences and the things we've learned. how will holding all of these things inside help anyone? if we keep them in, or leave god out of the picture, then we're taking the glory for something that god's done. let him have it- he did all the dirty work. we couldn't have cleaned it up on our own. if you're trying to tell someone about this god who LOVES us and them more than anyone on this earth ever could, they're not gonna want to hear some generic bible story. sure those are effective in teaching later on but people want to hear YOUR stories. how do you know that god loves you? how has he helped you in your life? what has happened to prove his reality to you? if we open up and share our stories and the role god's played in them, others are more likely to say 'wow that person is really honest...but this god guy has really helped them out. i'm going through some tough stuff like that...i wonder if he could help me out too." that's what sharing the love of christ is all about. truth. experiences. telling people our stories. not saying that we're perfect or that we ever will be, but that yeah, we've messed up and will continue to mess up until the day we die but god loves us so much that it's okay, and he wants to walk with us every step of every day, giving us hope for this life...and on to the next. so this leaves us with a choice. we can hold on to all the messiness that we're trying to hide and that are weighing us down more every day, or we can let it all go with a huge sigh of relief and know that god will take care of it, clean us up if we let him, and use it to show others this aweseom love and grace that he has for us. so how dare we try to put on this jumping through hoops act to give the world a fake sense of god. he created the universe...he's plenty self-sufficient. he loves us because he wants to, but he knows that we're human, we're on the earth, and we're not perfect. if we can't fool god, why should we try to fool anyone else? he's the only one that matters anyway.

"melt me away till only you remain"

i thought i had it under control....

so i realized something really cool today. tonight actually, listening to the radio on the way home from town. there was a speaker who's on every night around 9:30ish- i usually hear him on my way home from dance. i only caught the very beginning of it, but he was speaking about overcommitted workaholic people. and as any of the first church of god kids'll tell you...that's about me in a nutshell. i'm working on it but it's so hard for me to give things up and know that they may not get done the way i want them to. ugh. icharus. so anyway this speaker brought up the story in luke 10:38-41. jesus visits the two sisters mary and martha. i was all like, okay, i know this story: mary sits at jesus' feet and listens while martha does all the work for dinner and around the house. so martha comes in and says "hey jesus, shouldn't mary be helping me? it's not fair that i have to do all the work." and jesus says something to the effect of "mary has found the one thing that's worth being concerned about" (which is listening to the truth). so the speaker on the radio goes on to briefly explain the story (in words just a little different from mine....probably more sophisticated haha) and although that was basically the point when i got to my house and switched the radio off, just the way he worded it opened up a meaning to that story that i had never realized before. he quoted martha as saying, "shouldn't mary be helping me serve? why do i have to serve all by myself?" all of a sudden i realized that it's not only people who find themselves 'too busy' for god that find themselves suffering, but also those who are so busy trying to serve god on their own that they don't seek him to guide them through it. and that's where the frustration comes in. believe me, i'm there. you sit there yelling at god wondering why things are going so horribly. "i'm serving you god! that's what you told me to do and still things are screwing up! this is when things are supposed to get better not worse." but just because in my mind i'm convinced that i'm serving god doesn't mean i really am. the way to find out is by staying in constant touch with him about what you're doing and what he wants you to do. you can work till you're blue in the face but if it's not all about him and for his glory then you'll just find yourself exhausted with nothing real accomplished. however if you take things in god's time and learn what he needs to teach you first....sit at his feet and eagerly listen to what he has to say....he'll take what you have and are willing to give and use it to the fullest extent. you will be blessed, others will learn the truth about this god who loves us more than we could ever imagine, and we will be fulfilled in knowing that we are fulfilling our purpose. unfortunately i'm at the negative end of this spectrum...i'm exhausted but i think now i'm starting to understand why. my priorities are wrong. i am doing things 'for god'....but really just for me. that's not what it's about. it's not about me. and apparently listening to the first two and a half minutes of a radio program can make some of that clear. but saying is much easier than doing. i guess that's where god comes in anyway. i love how he always works things out so that all roads lead to him. and fortunately he's there to guide us along every step of the way.

"to rid myself of all but love. to give and die."

in the beginning

isn't it amazing how you can feel inspired and totally shot down at the exact same time? ok well maybe that's just what it's like to serve christ and actually try to grow. well needless to say i've been shot down. but it inspired me, so here i am. i guess you could say i'm trying to reprioritize...again. it's so easy to fool yourself into believing that you are serving god and things are great and you've got them under control and hey by the way i'm cooler than you because i read my bible today... what a load of garbage. satan uses complacency to catch us off guard. and pride. in a 'personal relationship with jesus christ' it's so easy to get caught up in the personal part...and forget about the world around you. that's why we're here anyway- to show god how much we love him but also to share the awesome truth we have found about the creator of the entire universe! and yet we (i) still manage to put him in a box and focus more on myself. but from this moment on, i won't be caught sleeping. serving god is an every day every minute thing, but it pays off more than we could ever imagine later on. i just try to remind myself "that's not what it's about." i'm so easily distracted and i lose focus at the blink of an eye. luckily, i have newfound 'inspiration' to stay on track. i like to call it god, but it comes disguised in all forms.
well i guess you could say that's 'my' introduction....simply a girl trying to stay on the lord's path (he created the world...i think he has a little better of an idea on how to do things than my pathetic attempts) and to keep myself far away from the burning sun.

"soaring on the wings of selfish pride, i flew too high, and like icharus i collide with a world i try so hard to leave behind."