what really matters.....

listening to: little shop of horrors (we're gonna do it at school in march...come see)

so this one time i wasn't selfish. oh wait...no never mind. that's never happened. i'm so sick of doing things for me. i sit here and there's a fight in my head. if i let myself go for two seconds then i start thinking the craziest things, then i remind myself that it's not about that...but then i go right back to thinking the same way. i can't make myself stay on track for two seconds! if i can just let myself believe that god has me perfectly in his hands and i don't need to try to handle things! he's so much better at this whole life deal than i am. and who knows....maybe if i just let go and trust him now...things may just work out the way i keep thinking god wants them. but things definitely won't end up the right way (whichever way that may be) if i try to control them. you would think it would be easier to let go...less work involved in not holding onto things...but sometimes it seems harder to just let go! why do we always want to tell people about our problems? why can't we be satisfied with telling god? he's the only one that matters anyway. well, people blow things out of proportions. but i think sometimes we blow things out of proportions just by deeming them important enough to tell people. maybe instead of saying "so...this is what's new in my life, isn't it crazy?" we should just say "so...i'm struggling with this, will you pray for me to be able to do what god wants?" or maybe we should focus on things that we successfully worked through in the past, and instead of worrying about today we could actually stop and celebrate how far we've come, thank god for being so amazing and that he really does answer prayers, and trust him to keep on doing the same things he's promised for the last 2000 years. what an idea! and all of this goes for everything... including relationships. what good would anything be if we are like "hey you're kinda cute...let's date." okay so not quite that lame. but god never says "okay i put one perfect person on the earth for you...go look for him!" he says "spend your life serving other people and me and you will be better off than the people who think they have it so good...by the way, if i lead you to get married then make sure you marry someone who will (surprise!) help you serve me better." and serving doesn't mean servitude like a slave, like be miserable all your life, but it's that whole put others first thing. god created the world so that if you put others before yourself and 'serve' him with your life, you won't live like a miserable slave but he will reward you beyond what you can imagine. so why aren't we all rich? well this is where heaven comes in. that's where we'll live FOREVER in mansions on a perfect earth (if we believe that the only way we can get there is to accept the fact that we screwed up and jesus' dying is the only way that we can be saved). okay so im kinda off track but basically, serving him is ALL THAT SHOULD MATTER. in anything. and anything means everything. and everything includes who/if you marry. and just like everything else...you'll be much better off if you do it his way. so why do i care? why am i so consumed in things that i don't need to worry about? god has it in control, and as long as i keep asking him to lead me, and actually listen to what he says and try to follow, then everything will be taken care of. he promises that. and god can not lie. so am i still trying to be selfish...and get attention just by writing this? i hope not. so if you're reading this...don't think about me. think about yourself, or better yet, think about god. he deserves all our thoughts and then some. just take a minute and be like'...hey god...you're a pretty cool cat.' and then just be still. and know. that he is god. HE IS GOD. not us. but a god that loves us soooo much. ha- you just spoke to the CREATOR of the UNIVERSE. and he listened. and he wants to listen to you always. THAT is crazy. but god never calls us to be normal. "if it seems that we are crazy...it is only to bring glory to god" (2cor5:13)...notice how it doesn't say "to bring attention to ourselves." so god, help it not be me anymore. shine through me with so much love that people won't be able to deny you anymore. even if i'm crazy, let it bring glory to you...not attention to me. and show me how to trust you in everything...from relationships to whatever matters most in each of our lives. by the way god...you're a pretty cool cat.