when you just can't smile big enough

oh man am i selfish. if any of you wonder why my blog name is icharus girl....three words for you: pride pride and pride. ugh i'm so sick of it. i guess you could say that's my whatever that paul talks about not wanting to do but doing it anyway. thankfully, god has shown me what's up and helps me when i ask for it...but the tricky thing with pride is that it's often the reason that you don't ask for god's help, because you think you're good enough or have enough of god to 'get you through the day.' the very times when you feel like you don't need him...are the times you find out you need him the most. but you don't usually find that out until after you've done something stupid. and then you're like 'god i did something really stupid' and he's like 'yeah i know...let me help you.' i can't even begin to understand the love that he has- that he can keep taking me back. he's not the god of second chances...he's the god of infinite chances. i don't have that kind of patience with people (or myself for that matter). but then again i'm not god. so if you have an issue and you just keep messing up- don't lose hope. you're not by yourself, and god will never laugh at you or tell you i told you so or say geez i can't believe you did that again...he's just that perfect loving father that will smile and say 'i know...let me help you.'

so it's christmas now...i guess i should write something christmasy. ummmm- i'm sick of christmas songs. seriously. there are like eighteen different songs and all you ever hear are different arrangements of the same songs done by all different people in ways to try to make them unique...so then you get those off the wall versions and you just think 'wow. somebody tried way too hard.' on a happier note...i had an awesome conversation with a friend of mine coming home from school the other day. we were talking about what christmas is and what it's become...he isn't necessarily a christian but we were both open to what the other had to say, and it was really neat to think things through. i'm a firm believer that doubt (if handled by searching for the answer rather than giving up) isn't bad at all, but makes you stronger. if someone asks you the type of questions like why you believe something, the 'because i do' answers won't work very far past junior high. but do you really know why? have you ever thought about it? or will you just try to look ultra-christian or whatever and just say yes my way is right and it's the only way and i don't even think about anything else. i mean sure, i believe that the faith i have in jesus is the most successful way to live life and will get me to heaven and i believe that it is the only way to heaven but if someone tells me what they believe or ask questions that i never thought about, i'll listen and take it in. and if i don't know something, i'll say that i don't know, pray about it and eventually come to an answer that will make me that much stronger and more prepared for if someone asks me later on. at least i hope that's how i am (back to that pride thing again)...it's how i think i try to be. but most people are too afraid to talk about beliefs and stuff with people who are 'christians' because we've gained this negative stereotype of being closeminded and stubborn, so i haven't had much of a chance to try my theory haha. but basically we went all over the place from christmas to jesus' birth to jesus' death and who/what/where/why god is and why we're here (it was a very interesting conversation) and i was trying to explain (to the best of my ability, which doesn't say much) that it was all based on love. that all of it happened to save us, because god loves us. we were created because he wanted to love us, and the fact that god doesn't need us to love him back...it's not like he's insecure or anything. and at the very end of the conversation my friend had a 'thought' all of a sudden- that god doesn't need us to love him, but he does all of the things he does because he wants to help us. i mean, it all just seemed to make sense...to both of us haha. i had had some random doubts while we talked but god was still with me the whole time. and as crazy and off track as we had gone, the very last statement pulled it all together and we both had a peace about it. at least i think. god is awesome, no matter how a conversation ends, but it's so exciting when something happens and you practically see him around you and you just can't smile big enough because you KNOW he is real. so by the way, if anyone was wondering...it's because of experiences like THAT that i know he's real ; ).