time alone with...me?

first of all, i have a weiner dog laying next to me.
in case anyone was wondering.

i don't know the word to describe how i'm trying to explain myself at times like this.
words like loner, individualistic come to mind. but also selfish and self-centered. and anti-social.
i'll try to explain with more than just one word-

when i have time that is not taken up by school, a job, or significant friend(s) (in this case a boyfriend), i get a certain way, a way that i am at no other time but times like this. and it's very similar at all of these similar times. for example: the summer before i moved to college. the summer after my freshman year when i was stuck in meadville for the summer. the beginning of my job in indianapolis last summer before i got really busy with it. this week in between my crazy classes/ryan-time and the start of my theatre job next week.
it's these weird in-between-craziness slots of time. and i spend a lot of time outside. alone. i walk as much as possible (why waste gas if you're on no time schedule and don't mind a tan?). i carry around something to read and something else to write on. my clothes match even less than during the rest of the year (nobody i know to see or care). i have almost no schedule and no one to impress and no one to keep track of or to keep track of me. and all of these strange structure-less times are documented in notepads and sketches and song lyrics-- records of those few times in my life when i have stopped and thought about what i think and what i like and what i care about when there's no mental to-do list to beat myself senseless with. and there's usually very few people around to witness it... but that's part of the means to the end. if there were people around, i wouldn't experience it.

i marvel at all of this because today after ryan left i finally convinced myself to do something-- so i walked about a mile to the park and sat in the sun by myself for 2 hours writing and reading and stumbling upon past memorabilia of similar times like this when i actually considered my thoughts and feelings for longer than two seconds. it reminded me of a lot of the passions that i used to have. and thoughts that i've formulated into words and then discarded in the bustle of the rest of the year. i thought about posting some of it on here, but the beauty of these pieces of the past is that only in times like this can i be honest with myself and admit them, so sharing them would put the censor back on any future expression. and they only seem to make sense with me when i'm back in this in-between state anyway.

so i'll keep them to myself. but if what you're like when no one is around and you don't have a strict schedule to follow is the real you, then i think i'm actually an introvert. go figure. and much more cynical than during the rest of my life. or maybe just realistic.
interesting.