}scattered is i{

i felt so much more... poetic last night when i couldn't get into this account. oh well. something about confusion. i'm confused. but when does that end, huh? never. i'm continuing in a state of passivity because i'm not yet aware of the decision i even have to make. so i keep going.

everything seems to happen in extremes. sometimes (and with some people) i'm always on top of my game and they think i never miss a beat. other times (and people) see me apparently at the worst and wonder how i remember to take my head with me when i leave my apartment for the day. if either of these two groups thought i was normal, maybe i would be more satisfied. no. probably not. but my own extremes of duality and inconsistency drive me crazy.

the end.

i need to go work on those papers i NEVER turned in. because i was throwing my heart and soul into a show that people really seemed to appreciate. *sigh* no one wins.


i heard a really hard story today and it reminded me of scars on your life. that you have for the rest of your life. something that can happen in an instant leaves its mark for eternity. and sometimes you know as soon as you sit down and realize what happened... that you will never again be the way you were before it happened. not that everything now will be horrible, there's just an extra little piece added on to every experience. and an extra little lens you can whip out and look through anytime (or all the time depending on how well you can put it away). those are the true sad moments of life, when you are sitting there understanding the impact something just had on you... and that it won't ever go back to before.