see saw

so this whole studying thing is throwing me for a loop. i think it's because i've done so much of it over the last two weeks. i kinda almost passed out last friday after running a mile and a half and getting almost no sleep for two weeks... my RA found me laying on the floor in my room because i just didnt think i could stand up anymore. well, anyone who knows me from high school probably isnt too surprised by that. i guess i havent changed as much as i had wanted to.

i dont know if im going to stay here. anderson. college. i mean, i love it so much and i love the people here and i cant imagine giving up all the amazing friends ive made so far, but i feel like im just going backwards. i planned on coming here and defining my mission(what god created me to do) and getting super strong with my faith and meeting new people and showing them the real me, the new me, the me that i was getting ready to try out in the "real world". and i was going to learn so much about god (i'm a freaking bible major- along with the theatre) and hit the ground running at the end of four years and go change the world, one life at a time.... but here i am, spending way too much time in my room 'studying' (which- dont get me wrong- is what i am paying to come here to do), spending my money on coffee and meals out and cheap clothes i dont need, worrying about what others think of me, getting caught up in the social scene that i worked four years to remove myself from, convincing myself i'm too busy to even sit down and read the word of god, thinking im better than other people,trying to figure out my own problems.... the list goes on. do any of the second things match up with the first? NO. it's so frustrating to sit here and watch myself creep farther and farther away from what i'm passionate about doing- getting out there and telling people the TRUTH about this God that they know nothing about and using drama and music to do it. college is great- i would always get up and spout about how college is right for some people and not others, to justify the people that went straight into working or a trade... i just knew that i was one of those for whom college was right. of course. i got the grades in high school. i have the motivation to go out and do it. but who cares if its not what god created you for? you can get 'better' jobs if you go to college... well i'm pretty much going to be poor the rest of my l ife anyway so what does it matter?

blah. i dont know what im talking about. im worrying. because im not letting myself believe that god will guide me IF I LISTEN. and im not listening. im doing things my own way and then getting angry when he isnt coming through for me. way to be. i need to get out of this atmosphere where everything ELSE matters more than the only things that really matter. nothing against AU... just me. ive put layers and walls up while i thought i was breaking them down. sorry if ive been lying to you lately. i probably have.

please dont think i got this all from you. all this was in my mind long before we talked about it.