icharus girl

2009-05-04T23:21:00.001-04:00

let's cut all this out.
i'm sorry for the internet wars. i was too angry and scared to do anything in the physical world.
let's meet and talk in person.
call or text.

shalom.

thoughts and words

2009-02-04T00:44:00.003-05:00

a lot to say. not enough words. because there's always too many words. so maybe i'll stop using so many. words.
tonight= thinking.

coming soon: thoughts and words about entitlement.

lies.

2009-02-02T13:11:00.002-05:00

i've learned over the last few months that i'm a liar. it really does start with little ones, because you don't realize you're lying when you do it. in my case, if someone asks me a question and it catches me off-guard, i give whatever response i think is the "right" one, them in theory, i would go back and correct it when i realized what my true response is. but i don't go back. or i explain something to someone, but i don't have the emotional strength to explain it in its full detail so i give a shorter version. and the listener believes it. which means i can give that version to other people and it will be credible. then there's part of the story or explanation that no one ever knows. or, in recent cases, i'm so worried that whatever the whole truth is will hurt someone so bad, or make them so mad, or remind them that i'm not enough, or remind them that they're not enough, or just fuck up the whole situation beyond repair... that i just don't say it.

i've also learned how much damage that has caused. but i'm still not sure that the total damage of not being truthful would be more than the total damage if i had hurt, angered, explained, reminded.

i'm sure there's an in-between of telling truth to bring life... of telling the truth when needed, just being aware of those around you and their feelings. i'm not sure how to find it.

and when you get really good at smoothing things over and avoiding (for the time being) conflict... then it's a really hard decision to make a life-style change that will bring that conflict back.

now you all know, i guess.
and that's embarrassing.
but i guess that's the point.

honesty (not mine)

2009-01-30T20:36:00.002-05:00

i had a really good. real. conversation the other day. with my boyfriend. he's all i talk about on this thing.
he realized something about me. and told me. and i tried very hard not to get defensive. which was part of the whole idea. i learned a lot. because he is one of the only people i have EVER met who can be honest with people he cares about and does it well... and is right.

i don't know if i want to change. and that terrifies me.
i think i would change it for him before i would change it for myself.
that sounds unhealthy.
which unhealthy is worse.

that seems like most of the decisions i'm making lately... choose the best of a few bad options.

i'm only taking 12 hours of classes this semester. that feels really good.

Mr. Crohns and Mrs. Graves

2008-11-25T14:01:00.003-05:00

i'm making a million phone calls. to hospitals, clinics, offices. i'm taking my dad to the hospital. ryan's taking me. i try to take him. we now both have "named-after-the-man-who-found-it" diseases. what does that mean?
well, it means laughing first of all. because who does that?? seriously.
it means not using them as excuses. no more blaming laziness on symptoms (that's me, not him).
it means lots of medicine. daily pills every morning and evening for both of us.
who needs to grow old together when you can fill eachothers' weekly pill containers now?
it means insurance. which is impossible in this country right now.
it means jobs that will provide insurance... most likely not theatre. or gas stations. or low income jobs that keep our pride in place with the starving world around us.
it means even harder times to pay off mountains of debt. while more debt is piled on top with uninsured medical expenses.
it means good days and bad days, and telling the difference.
it means sick days and sad days, and getting through them together.
it means understanding eachother when no one else can.
it means knowing what the other needs and when, and how they need it.
it means knowing when to be still.
it means crying. and holding.
it means bringing us together more strongly than we would have ever imagined.
it means being together.
and love. it means love.

I'm so sick of hospitals

2008-11-14T13:41:00.001-05:00

To all of my friends who have been involved with my crazy life over the last month:
First of all-- thank you so much for supporting me through this time. I've always been on the other end of tragedy, so you all have been SUCH an amazing blessing to me in this time of receiving support. Also, anyone who had a hand helping me get to Pittsburgh last week, my mom sends love and more gratitude than she could ever express-- her and I could not have gotten through those days without eachother.

The most recent update is that the biopsy from the tissue removed during my dad's colon cancer surgery came back as whatever the type of cancer is that has not and will never spread (Type I maybe?). So he is now cancer free and with an almost guaranteed chance of it never returning. He got through last week with such a peace that he, even a sometimes cynic, attributed to the thoughts and prayers of all of our loved ones. Thank you. He should be out of the hospital within the next week.

The most recent update on my own situation is this: on Monday I was almost definitely diagnosed with Graves Disease. As many of you know, I've been struggling with heart and breathing problems, among other symptoms, and they all match perfectly with this rare disease that is not as serious as it sounds. Graves causes Hyperthyroidism, which in this case begins by the white blood cells thinking the thyroid gland is foreign, and attacking it. To defend itself, the thyroid creates a hormone that makes it work extra hard to stay intact. This then causes everything else to overwork-- my heart , my lungs, my muscles, my eyes... so this one disorder has caused pretty much any health problem I've ever had. The treatment that has been recommended to me is a Radioactive Iodine Treatment that will be an out-patient procedure and should put the problem into remission and keep me on pills for the rest of my life. And after this procedure, I'll talk slower!!!

This may have been more information than you wanted, but many of you have been asking. Your thoughts and prayers are SO helpful as we try to figure out insurance, healing, and the future. You all mean a great deal to me, and I've learned this week that I can't survive without my friends. Thank you.

better than i could say it

2008-10-13T01:11:00.003-04:00

"to make faith something to do, to live, and to not praise yourself for having."

yeah, that's why i fell in love with him 4 years ago.

FaMiLY

2008-10-06T01:18:00.003-04:00

i was a weird little kid.

i'm sure you can't imagine.

the things that occupied my mind should not have kept me up at night.

i spent the day with a family today. not mine, but a family nonetheless. cake, ice cream, hugs, dirty jokes, awkward moments, too much food, and great wisdom. it was so good to my heart.

kNOWiNG

2008-10-06T01:13:00.002-04:00

just for the record- i love my boyfriend.

it's interesting how the more experiences you have, the more embittered you can get toward other people who haven't had any such experiences. especially when the experiences are the hardest things you've ever had to survive. and it's even worse when these people try to help you through it or say anything in regards to it other than agreeing that they've never been through anything like it.
and yet how is it at all okay to get bitter toward all of them...

they just don't know.

and often, i'm the one that doesn't know.

and sometimes i feel like i'm 50 years old, and i'll be 700 before i die.

the last two weeks.

2008-09-11T21:23:00.002-04:00

im in the library. because i dont have internet at my house yet. im starting to relaize i dont mind very much. it keeps me focused on other things an people and off of facebook and email unless i walk to campus and schedule out the time. i think that's good for me.

im waiting for ryan to get off work. we both have second-shift-ish lives now so our hang out time usually starts at 11 pm. he works at 3 and i start class at 11 so we can stay up late and sleep in. but im almost always EXHAUSTED by the time we hang out so i fall asleep on couches, futons, etc. and leave him with a boring sleeping girlfriend to stare at for a while...

i auditioned for an opera class today, that may lead to being IN an opera. first one. 6 more hours of classes a week, and two more months of rehearsal, but it's my last year of educational theatre so im trying to milk it.

the postmodern class im taking is turning out to be really interesting. at first i thought it was going to be way too happy-christian for me, but the first day of discussion we brought up both sides of whether or not god really is behind every good thing that happens to us, as if he's just sitting up there waiting to give the white middleclass good family background christians more good things to feel "blessed" about. We do a lot of writing and there's little structure other than "write what you think," so i'm enjoying writing out many of my thoughts that i haven't put into words, and having a professor respect them and count them as valid next to everyone else's. i took a plunge and wrote about a very tough experience from a few years ago that i haven't even been able to address on this site, and found that it was really good for my healing process to share it in a more public environment than one-on-one with close friends. this class i think will be good for me.

and shakespeare has been my life recently. we're doing much ado about nothing in november, and ive been reviewing and memorizing monlogues and learning as much as i can about shakespeare in all the "free" time i have between 19 hours of classes, 15-20 hours of work, and 5-10 hours of homework a week.

i really love living with my roommates, but i can't really afford where im living. that could be a problem.

and who's to really say.

2008-08-21T12:26:00.003-04:00

oooh, this is my 100th post. ever. haha. i've never been a huge blog person, but i've found it really is a nice way to keep up with people and get behind their bullshit to see what's really going on.

on that note, i'm okay. i've gone on two rants in the last week about religion-ish stuff actually. it started out by apologizing to ryan that im not any sort of a spiritual encouragement in our relationship, that i wish i was because i think that often leads to healthy relationships, but that i just can't be right now because i don't know what i think well enough to say anything solid to others. it's like a person with a fever trying to explain getting better to someone with... some other disease. we're both wondering and considering, but if it weren't for the closeness i have with one other person, i'm not sure i would care as much. it's not that im struggling with whether or not to be a horrible person and give up everything, i'm just struggling to find how much i care when life seems to be pretty okay how i'm doing things now.
ok, that's cryptic. basically, when i was "really strong in my faith" and "lived life the right way," i was even more judgmental than normal, and really had this superiority complex that other people could see. i didn't have any friends outside my youth group in high school because everybody really thought i was "perfect" and couldn't understand their lives or what they were going through, and i made them feel that way. but now that i've loosened up and just started living and taking things as they come and tried to care about making people feel comfortable and cared about rather than focusing on everything they're doing "wrong"... i can live. i can enjoy life and not feel guilty all the time or judging all the time, i can relate to people and admit shitty stuff that happens and that i do and that i hate and that i love.
i can enjoy things and people instead of judging them. that's it in a nutshell.
...and i don't know what to do with churches because most of them take pride in being exactly how i used to be. whether they admit it or not. and i know because i was part of it for a long time.
so i've just kept my distance...

ok, make that three rants...

clean clothes and a dirty car

2008-08-15T00:15:00.003-04:00

i have to find a way to get home. my car's inspection has expired in pennsylvania, which means if i drive it there and get caught i could get fined lots o' money (and the paternal parental says it's too rusted on the bottom to ever pass again). so i have to register it in indiana where they have no inspections and you can drive a car until it falls to pieces in the middle of the road.
awesome.
that takes time and money, apparently more than i have right now (mainly time, ironically enough) so this will turn into another "leah-screws-everything-up-by-procrastinating-and-scrounges-around-for-some-half-assed-way-to-save-the-day" fiasco.
i seem to be good at that.

today i washed my hair, dried it, shaved, wore makeup and wore clean clothes. the vampire-ness is finally all out of my system-- it took me a week and a half. i really wanted to keep those fangs, though.

i've found my mecca!

2008-08-13T20:14:00.003-04:00

i'm makeupless, dirty, and slightly sunburned-- the way summer is supposed to be. me, ryan, sarah and eli went camping and to holiday world from monday night to this morning, and it made me feel like a kid and a grownup at the same time. we planned (ok sarah planned), paid for and executed the entire trip on our own, brought and cooked food, did all the things that camping is good for-- but im used to going with older people who do all of that and i just show up and eat the food : ). lame, i know. i planned the whole spring break trip ryan and i took in march, but that was much simpler. so it was a nice experience to have a vacation with just my friends, and one that wasn't a bunch of young people goofing off, but two couples camping and amusement park-ing together.
HOWEVER
holiday world has an amusement park and a water park all in one. i havent been to an amusement park in years. so we're riding water slides at the water park, and we see this huge jungle gym thing for kids that has multiple water slides, fountains, spouts of water to aim at eachother all over the place, nets to crawl across, tubes to crawl through, and one of those car sized buckets at the top that fills with water and dumps it all every five minutes or so. SO much fun. i wanted to go play on it, and i saw adults in it with their kids, but everybody i was with said you had to be with your child. i was completely ready to make friends with a kid and ask if i could play on it with them. or just grab one and run to the biggest slide. but they wouldn't let me.
an hour, a water slide and a wave pool later, we head up to see the new attraction, and it's a grown-up sized water jungle gym!!!! when you're on it, there's water falling on you from every direction. little buckets are stationed everywhere that can tip on you at anytime, or can be tipped onto innocent bystanders. tubes and pipes carry water all over the place to cover every inch pf the bridges, stairs, and floors. we played there for at least another hour. it was finally a place where we could play and laugh no matter what age we were, and it was completely expected and okay! everyone turned into a bigger version of me for an hour, and i wasn't the weird energetic or annoying one or the one who laughs really loud and high-pitched and squeaks when she gets happy-- eli was jumping over all the sprinklers/fountains and sarah was riding the water slides and ryan was squirting all the little kids and holding me in front of the spraying water... it was the best time i've had in a LONG time. it even beat having a fake snowball fight with the cast of Almost, Maine in the 80 degree morning at shawnee. i would go back just for that place. it is very near and dear to my heart. we had the best pizza of our lives, rode more rides, then went back to the campsite to be grownups again.

i tried on my friend's wedding dress today. am i allowed to say that? it fit almost perfectly...

self help 101 for extroverted control freaks

2008-08-10T17:31:00.003-04:00

so here's the thing-- i can't tell when anonymous comments are from ryan or not... because he only leaves his name if he's sad, and i think he wants me to think that more people read this than actually do. i'll imagine all the people that the anonymous comments could be from, and laugh to myself regardless.

so... my amazing life. it's pretty fun, but i think that's just because i make it fun. when you let yourself be excited about all the little things that possibly could be exciting... life is a lot more fun.

like ice cream. i've eaten 1/4 gallon of ice cream in the last 36 hours. and every time i think about eating it, i get excited. food in general does that for me. that means at least 3 really exciting things to look forward to every single day.

like picking clothes to wear. when reaching into a box of clothes and accepting the challenge of making whatever is in your hands work together as an outfit for the day... exciting.

i teased and hair-sprayed my hair every night for dracula and now i have three or four messy dreadlocks... leave them for a while, wear a hat for dreads, take them out before the next show im in...exciting.

i learned after being depressed and selfish in high school that life really is what you make of it. even if you don't have the best opportunities in the world... you 're gonna be alive for a WHILE, so make it fun. because nobody else is going to do make it fun for you. maybe every once in a while, but the majority of the responsibility falls on you.
and it's fun to be around other people like that too-- me and hawaii boy had lots of fun this summer at shawnee just because we could enjoy the day and look forward to the next one. and i was a stage manager. there is nothing fun about that every day. and yes, all this takes some practice, but it's like learning to read, the more you do it, the more options you have. ...ok bad metaphor, but go find whatever your ice cream is, and love every minute of it.

...the end.

life again

2008-08-03T10:51:00.003-04:00

another ridiculous unpredictable summer. it's not quite over yet, but today is the day that i will begin the culture shock transition back into real life.
in so many ways.

im in dracula this week. it's been such a great experience. it's still hard to sit and watch acting instead of doing much of it, but apparently the three of us "brides of dracula" scare the shit out of the audience every night even if we do only have six lines ; )
and it's a very professional show. that's the response we're getting the most. 300 people in the audience last night (quote unquote sold out) and biggest house of the summer. and the matinee today has great ticket numbers as well. great show to end on. now i have to start considering whether or not i would be interested in coming back next summer if i have the opportunity to. isn't that what this whole sumer was for? i think so...

try again?

2008-07-20T21:21:00.001-04:00

i have been in the sound booth every single tuesday-sunday night since i got to shawnee. except for the two nights i got to understudy in godspell my first weekend.
it's dark in there.
i get to be on stage in dracula.
that will be nice. and bright.
nope, still dark. but a different kind of dark...

dun dun dun

dark

2008-07-18T21:36:00.007-04:00

i have been in the sound booth every single tuesday-sunday night since i got to shawnee. except for the two nights i got to understudy in godspell my first weekend.
it's dark in there.
i get to be on stage in dracula.
that will be nice. and bright.
nope, still dark. but a different kind of dark...

dun dun dun

this summer?

2008-07-16T22:40:00.003-04:00

and this is where it starts to hurt. gets tough. we knew it would. the gazing and awe and perfection could only last so long.
and he's blaming himself. and he shouldn't.
i'm in a place i don't understand being a person i don't know. he didn't sign up to be with that one.
i'll be back to myself when i'm back to my life. this one i'm living isn't real.
i can't explain it here, to him, to her, only in the one place that is tied in string and secured from the rest of the world. and even that is severely lacking. and incoherent. but those are my attempts. and somehow i don't know how to feel sorry.

this all sounds so cryptic. but it's all i have to say.

forward

2008-06-28T01:08:00.002-04:00

when i decide, realize, or want something to happen... i make it happen.
that simple.
i don't know if that's good or bad.
it's progressive.
but im afraid i bulldoze over things sometime.
like people.

and then when something doesn't happen, i wonder if i really wanted it.

we all live in the shawnee submarine

2008-06-27T02:24:00.003-04:00

really tired.
opened a show tonight. (stage managing)
it went really well. the audience loved it. i was very proud of everyone who helped make it happen.
boring phone conversation with the boyfriend. im absolutely crazy about him. im sick of long distances.
no days off on the horizon?
getting paid tomorrow and sending all of it to pay my overdue speeding ticket?
loving the people here but missing family and the folks back in anderson a LOT.
more weddings and babies coming soon.
got a buzz from smoking a cigarette and sang along to lisa's songs around the fire.

it's summertime at summerstock.

weddings and roadtrips

2008-06-23T00:49:00.003-04:00

so i went to the wedding. i was a basketcase every time i imagined not being there, and knowing that i'd be missing it for a few backstage jobs for one day that could be covered by some of the amazing peopleim working with, i decided to cover all my bases and hope for the best. i got the final ok on friday night around 11:45 pm, borrowed a dress, packed a bag, tried unsuccessfully to sleep, and left at 5 am that morning. i drove straight to meadville, stopped at perkins to freshen up in the bathroom from the 9 hour drive, called ryan to see where he was (he had no idea that i was on my way to the wedding) and showed up at the church just as they were all getting dressed. he looked at me and waved then turned away, then looked back and just stared, then shook his head and smiled. i have a way of making ridiculous things happen, like getting 500 miles to a wedding without my car or any plan. a paycheck's worth of gas, a car lent by a true friend, and a bag of pretzels later, i was there. i got to meet most of ryan's family, hear his hilarious and sweet best man's toast, dance the night away with him, hang out with his cousins who i've known for years, and drive back to indiana the next morning with him (in two separate cars). im exhausted, i hate roadtrips for at least a month, and i dont want to eat a pretzel ever again, but it was so worth it.

the show im stage managing starts tech this week. that means goes into dress rehearsals and all the stuff that the stage manager is in charge of. im excited for that.

one of my roommates got engaged this weekend. we saw it coming, but it's nice to know it's finally here and i cant wait to experience the next year with her.

tomorrow's my day off. im going to sleep in.

a few thoughts and a sigh

2008-06-18T23:55:00.003-04:00

im missing the wedding of two of my close friends (and maybe family) this weekend. for theatre.
im missing the extended family beach trip. for the second year in a row. for theatre.
im spending a summer away from the boy it took me five years to get a hold of. for theatre.
im going to bed late and getting up early and watching other people get to act. for theatre.

i love this art.
im just having a discouraged phase.
it may be a long summer. for theatre.

driving is a gas... literally

2008-06-17T11:36:00.003-04:00

i got to perform in the musical this weekend. it was amazing. i actually felt like i was doing summerstock for the sake of acting. but now it's over. and i'm back to stage managing. and that makes me very sad.
ryan was here. it was weird and messed with my whole perception of reality but it also kept me sane and reminded me that i am a person with thoughts and feelings and relationships outside of a two building field in bloomfield indiana. we spent my day off yesterday in bloomington (ps-- total hippie town! nobody even looked twice at his dreads or my pink hair- still leftover from the musical) and we walked around outside and ate yummy food ALL DAY and it was the best day i've had in a LONG time. but this morning he left for anderson, then PA, and i won't see him for at least 2 weeks, probably more like 3 or 4. and that makes me very sad.
i haven't paid my speeding ticket, and i just used all my money to get me here, ryan here and back, and both of us to PA a few times. gas is a bitch. i don't spend money on anything else. like, literally. i eat the community food in the housing kitchen (ive been eating hors d'eouvres and taco ingredients for seven days) and don't buy or do anything... just drive all over creation in my little honda civic hatchback with only one working door.

and i have a feeling that not a whole lot is going to change anytime soon.

two of my friends are getting married this weekend. to eachother. i love them and wish i could be there more than anything. they started dating 4 years ago in my backyard. i know, cute.

summerstock

2008-06-13T17:40:00.001-04:00

greetings from bloomfield indiana everyone.

my calendar tells me ive been here since Monday evening but my head and heart feel like ive been here for weeks. it's nuts here, guys. like, you don't even know. Sunday, the theatre flooded and the whole company (30ish) moved out of the dorms and into a mansion owned by one of the theatre's board members for a few days. indoor tennis courts, indoor pool, 7 bedrooms, 3 living rooms, HUGE basement, so that's the scene i arrived to on Monday. Tuesday morning we started rehearsing for the play i'm stage managing and i started to get really discouraged about seeing everyone else act and knowing i'd be behind the scenes all summer. by Tuesday afternoon, one of the ensemble members in godspell (the show that opens this week) was diagnosed with tonsilitis and they sat me down and offered me an understudy role (for those of you not in theatre, that means i learn all of her lines, songs, choreography, etc. in case she can't perform).

i jumped into the runthru Tuesday night with only a script and a few blocking notes and apparently impressed the hell out of everyone by jumping around and singing all her parts perfectly and making all of her goofy characters huge and my own style... basically the director (who's the producer for the whole company) said afterward that i am "fucking fearless!" it was a very exciting night. i spent the next day in one on one choreo and music rehearsals in the mansion, then Wednesday moved into housing (an L shaped dorm building with 2 bathrooms, a communal kitchen, etc.) where i share a room with an au friend, and showed up at the theatre Thursday night to do a full costume, makeup, and tech dress rehearsal as this new part (still not knowing for sure if i'd be needed to perform for an audience yet). it was my second time through the show and didn't use my script and only missed one moment of acting (ps-- let me explain this show-- it is a judas character, a jesus character, and 8 ensemble members who are on stage from the opening number to the closing song. jesus teaches and we all play different parts of parables and sing solo songs and dance to everything and move the whole set by ourselves-- it's CONSTANT. and our version is set in a circus and i play a clown and i have the most amazing costumes and face paint ever!).

after that rehearsal, the director pulled me aside and said that even the girl i'm standing in for feels better, he's going to let me perform at least once this weekend because i've "earned it." she's still not feeling well so i'm stepping in for Sat and Sun, and she'll take all of next week. whew. AND all this time ive been stage managing in the mornings and some afternoons. i stop to eat. i've barely talked to ryan, i forget that another world even exists, this place is every minute, every day, theatre and switching from show to show and living with all theatre people...

but at least now i get to perform once (other than a baby eating vampire in dracula). and i've shown everyone that i'm an actor/singer not really a stage manager. that means a lot to me. so now i'm trying to organize getting ryan down here for a show this weekend (if anyone else is interested in driving 2 and 1/2 hours, the show is VERY high quality and lisa and i are in it the whole time. (saturday evening and Sunday matinee). so yeah-- theatre is my life right now. it's a good trial. see if i like it THIS much. see if ryan and i can survive through it. see if i keep my sanity. this has been four days... im here until August. here we go.

breakfast and faith

2008-06-03T09:56:00.002-04:00

i have nothing to do.
it's amazing.

i woke up at 8:30 am with eli and sarah and ate mocha cookies we made last night and now we're making breakfast and they don't have to work until thursday and i only have class from 1 to 3... this week is GLORIOUS. and ryan is not here. that is a travesty. and i hear a train.

i dreamed last night that someone was trying to make me overcome my fear of thunderstorms by putting me in the middle of them. then i woke up to a thunderstorm. i remembered that the windows in my car were open. and knew that i was way too afraid to get up and go outside and close them. so now my car is very wet. more so than it already was. damn.

i've realized that if i do things out of a sense of guilt, they won't mean much to me. like getting a hold on the limping cripple of a "faith" i have right now. if i try to "fix" it all and get back in touch because i have time to think and 'i should have done it all along,' i know that i'll just make myself feel horrible for it and then get right back to where i am now as soon as i get busy again. i guess i'm waiting for something to happen genuinely. but that's an excuse. so maybe i just need to try a different way. not just reading verses and apologizing and feeling guilty and crying and having one more thing to beat myself up over... but start where i am and build from here instead of knocking myself back down to start from the bottom. the knocking down thing seems to work for some people. and it used to work for me. but i think i'm too "already" self-destructive for that. so here's to a slow process of liking being a "christian" again, or what i can make of it and still stand myself. or to start with what i have and know that i'm okay, and go from there. yeah. that could work.

time alone with...me?

2008-06-01T23:03:00.003-04:00

first of all, i have a weiner dog laying next to me.
in case anyone was wondering.

i don't know the word to describe how i'm trying to explain myself at times like this.
words like loner, individualistic come to mind. but also selfish and self-centered. and anti-social.
i'll try to explain with more than just one word-

when i have time that is not taken up by school, a job, or significant friend(s) (in this case a boyfriend), i get a certain way, a way that i am at no other time but times like this. and it's very similar at all of these similar times. for example: the summer before i moved to college. the summer after my freshman year when i was stuck in meadville for the summer. the beginning of my job in indianapolis last summer before i got really busy with it. this week in between my crazy classes/ryan-time and the start of my theatre job next week.
it's these weird in-between-craziness slots of time. and i spend a lot of time outside. alone. i walk as much as possible (why waste gas if you're on no time schedule and don't mind a tan?). i carry around something to read and something else to write on. my clothes match even less than during the rest of the year (nobody i know to see or care). i have almost no schedule and no one to impress and no one to keep track of or to keep track of me. and all of these strange structure-less times are documented in notepads and sketches and song lyrics-- records of those few times in my life when i have stopped and thought about what i think and what i like and what i care about when there's no mental to-do list to beat myself senseless with. and there's usually very few people around to witness it... but that's part of the means to the end. if there were people around, i wouldn't experience it.

i marvel at all of this because today after ryan left i finally convinced myself to do something-- so i walked about a mile to the park and sat in the sun by myself for 2 hours writing and reading and stumbling upon past memorabilia of similar times like this when i actually considered my thoughts and feelings for longer than two seconds. it reminded me of a lot of the passions that i used to have. and thoughts that i've formulated into words and then discarded in the bustle of the rest of the year. i thought about posting some of it on here, but the beauty of these pieces of the past is that only in times like this can i be honest with myself and admit them, so sharing them would put the censor back on any future expression. and they only seem to make sense with me when i'm back in this in-between state anyway.

so i'll keep them to myself. but if what you're like when no one is around and you don't have a strict schedule to follow is the real you, then i think i'm actually an introvert. go figure. and much more cynical than during the rest of my life. or maybe just realistic.
interesting.

may's end

2008-05-31T00:13:00.004-04:00

i think ryan's the only one who reads my blog on a regular basis. and he wants me to write all the time. and talk about my life. but i talk about my life to him all the time. so i guess this is for him anyway. and the rest of you who may stumble upon this every once in a while.

my friends are getting married tomorrow. my other friends got married a few weeks ago. my other really good friends are getting married next month. i'm living with a married couple (who i LOVE by the way). i'm celebrating first year anniversaries with others. this is a fun time for me because i'm enjoying seeing people that i care about care about eachother. that makes me feel good about the world. i like enjoying life alongside them.

one of my two summer classes is over. i have no homework until monday night. ryan goes back to pa on sunday. i move to bloomington on the 9th.
i wouldn't mind moving into my house for next year soon. but not until august.

there's a moment you know...

2008-05-27T02:36:00.004-04:00

every time i go home (back to pa) i feel more and more like a visitor. less and less like home. less and less a part of the tides of change that occur without me. im changing plenty, but it's a separate track from everyone that i keep seeing and leaving, seeing and leaving. and my parents living in a different city than where i grew up, though still wonderful, lends itself to the separated feeling. it's my new room, but i never sleep in it. the "guests" get it even when i'm there, and i'm up in the attic. everyone stops by to see us, throwing off their normal week to see the far-away ones who are in town. and it's flattering. it just makes everything feel fleeting. im not skilled enough at long distance communication to stay close and up to date with anyone in pa. im not skilled enough at no-distance communication to stay close to anyone in indiana. so with at least two physical homes at a time and an unfortunate talent at keeping people an arm's distance and a smile away, trips home are rejuvenating and nostalgic but simultaneously disheartening and alienating. explain that one.

as i was driving out of town this morning in the sunshine, wondering why i couldn't stop crying, i remembered that i didn't have to keep leaving. but i decided a long time ago that i would, and it was a brave and hard choice back then- that plenty of others never try. and every time i have to make the final round of hugs goodbye, it's a brave and hard choice that i somehow stick to. i could always stay and settle and make one place home. but i would always wonder and imagine what if. my parents did it before me. and they left. without the college and with more independence and even farther distances. and they turned out a-ok.
at least that's how it makes sense to me.

decoy

2008-05-25T12:14:00.002-04:00

my brother used me as a decoy to start talking to some cool girls at a social institution last night. i guess that's how you have to play it when you're out with your little sister. the regular methods just don't quite cut it.

i liked talking to them too.
they were from california, boston, and pittsburgh, so we had plenty to talk about.
then a half-hippie half-computer guy invited me to "kick it" with him and his friends later if i wanted to.
i told him i had to go home to my grandma who is in town.

decoy grandma.
i smoked half a cigarette on the way home with my brother and felt it had been a well-accomplished night.

home for a weekend

2008-05-23T12:41:00.003-04:00

ive been traveling back and forth between pittsburgh and indiana more than usual over the last six months. or maybe the time in between just goes faster now. i know i talk about this a lot, but i really love my home. maybe it's because i'm not used to really liking going home... meadville was fine but it always reminded me of so much negativity (mostly my own fault). pittsburgh has always been the place i would rather be-- i used to cry every time we left to go back to meadville. dramatic, i know. and i'm bored here sometimes too, but i don't mind. it's beautiful and my mum is beautiful and my family is beautiful. not perfect, but beautiful. even in the ways we argue-- it's ok now and we know that we'll stick it out. my extended family has always been huge, and i've been as close to my cousins as i was to my siblings... but lately, now that both my brothers and i are in different states, when we are all together it's a much closer time. more cohesion. we spend more time together than splitting up to see different cousins. i'm starting to get a sense of why many grown-up siblings stay close, but it's a different dynamic with just the three of us than watching my mum and her seven siblings staying close. that's more like a tribe haha.
apologies for spouting about home again. it all comes back when i'm here, and i have time to think about it.

both of my brothers are taller than me now. and we all have kind of the same sense of humor. at least when we're together. they're funny. but don't tell them i told them that-- they'll think i like them ; )

think about feeling like a thinker

2008-05-10T23:51:00.002-04:00

so the myers briggs says i'm a thinker rather than a feeler. i felt all proud and logical and rational when i read that, but sometimes i wonder. most minutes of my day are governed by what i feel. overwhelmed. distracted. organized. professional. enamored. failing. disappointing.
but i keep going because i think about it. and i guess i think my way into functional behavior. so apparently i'm a thinker.
most of the time.
when i started packing today (knowing i'd be living out of those bags and boxes until september) it took all i had to just get started. where do you start in a mess of a lived-in room? i started getting ridiculously overwhelmed, but a calm and supportive best friend with dreads kept me sane and taking one step at a time.
later i tried to finish without him, and almost lost it. but then after separating and trashing and emptying and reaching a certain point of accomplishment, suddenly i was skipping around the apt again.
and i look back on the roller coaster of feelings that was my day, shake my head, and realize that i'm a thinker, because i catch myself sitting around thinking about it.
shower time.

you look nice

2008-05-07T12:22:00.003-04:00

i hate dressing up.
auditions. singing juries. interviews. interviewing. award ceremonies. photo shoot. meetings. shows. weddings. dress rehearsals.
seriously.
i don't own dress up clothes.
my poor roommates- praise the lord for sharing.
and the jeans i can change back into afterwards.

droopy eyes

2008-05-01T01:08:00.002-04:00

i'm tired. i tell myself that i can pretend to be like everybody else and put things off or just hang out with people or stop and have a regular meal.
and then the catch-up avalanche buries me. and i seem to get sick at these beautifully inopportune times. because busy people can do even less when they're sick. but busy people don't have a choice. they don't miss class. and work. and turn assignments in late. and lounge with friends. not because they don't have the ability, but because they've learned that taking a break means incomprehensibly (and in my case unmanageably) more. which in turn leads to less sleep again. which in turn leads to not getting better from being sick. which in turn leads to struggling through accomplishing anything even more. this is the cycle.
mine won't stop until august.
hopefully if i go home in august i won't get sick there. again.

mu-zak

2008-04-21T08:57:00.000-04:00

do your homework while listening to rusted root.
think about it.

blurbs?

2008-04-19T01:49:00.003-04:00

it was 70 + degrees outside today.
and there was an earthquake.
5.2 on the richter scale
and i was in a show that changed people's lives
followed by a drink that tasted like sugary toothpaste
and i said inconsiderate things to someone i care about immensely
not in that order.
i talked to my big brother for 53 minutes
told him why i've fallen so hard for this boy i know
he said he's voting for tom hanks for president
write-in ballot
i agreed.
too much homework for a show-opening weekend
i spend my time studying wars and genocide
and interviewing baristas to work in our coffee shop.

and sitting outside on the ground on the phone laughing about doing everything wrong.

i need to call my parents and tell them about the earthquake.

a mood?

2008-04-15T01:25:00.003-04:00

in such a funk
i don't know what does this to me
busy days, i think
maybe because my busiest days are spent alone
im around people the whole time
from one event to job to meeting to class to lesson to rehearsal to the next
but nothing follows me consistently through the day
except myself
and the list of things i still haven't done
so that's kind of alone

trying to learn how to let people in
it's hard and i don't really like it
but who likes things that are hard?

unless it's something youre extremely passionate about i guess
so get passionate
geez.

"Lies and promises for $10 an hour"

2008-04-13T13:29:00.003-04:00

Here at anderson university the next play that opens up is called Living Out by Lisa Loomer. We open on Thursday. It's neat to find modern shows that have purpose and relevance and not just humor and sex. All eight characters in this one are split into two ethnicities: white-wealthy-suburban anglos and immigrant-now-working-for-the-anglos hispanics. When I first read the script, I thought it was great that we were doing a show about race issues, but I didn't think it had much relevance to this area or anyone who would see it. Then we saw a film on campus about immigration, and it explained that yes, the largest rise in ethnicity in the U.S. over the last 5 years has been Hispanic. And also, the region that experienced the most drastic increase is the MidWest. And also, the state that experienced the most dratic increase in the MidWest is Indiana.
...so apparently this is extremely relevant.
In Indianapolis, a very on-the-edge theatre called the Phoenix Theatre now hires multi-lingual actors and provides performances of relevant shows in English and other nights in Spanish. I wish we were able to do this show with this cast closer to the metropolis (booming... I know ; ) to reach more of the audience (Anglo and Hispanic) that this show applies to. And hopefully, the community even here in little Anderson can realize that although this play takes place in L.A., whether they venture to a bigger city or stay in Indiana, these are topics that they will need to address, and hopefully learn from this play the importance of understanding, acceptance, and equality.

Oh, and yes, I play one of the Anglo moms. Mother of twin boys. Slightly frantic. Who loves them dearly in spite of how often she has to take one or both of them to the emergency room.

Dates for the shows are Thurs-Sat for two weekends: April 17, 18, 19 and 24, 25, 26 at 7:30 pm.
Tickets are $5 for students, $12 for adults, and $10 for senior/military.

Let's do more theatre like this...

to a friend

2008-04-09T01:46:00.003-04:00

thank you for noticing. i thought i was good at hiding. but this time i wasn't trying very hard.
i also wasn't trying to get caught. i'm just tired of choosing a face and wearing it all day.
so who knows what'll come out...

be loud. let your colorshow.

2008-04-07T09:36:00.003-04:00

one person. years. flinched every time someone teased or jeered me for being too loud. for talking too much. no one's ever not laughed. or noticed. it's the funny thing. she's loud. she talks all the time. she talks too fast. her stories are long and boring. and it's funny, remember?

i got used to it.

but he never did. and he never laughed.

.smile.

melancholy morning

2008-04-07T09:29:00.002-04:00

i have to go make a very large schedule. and email lots of people. and schedule the minutes that are not yet scheduled this week. and any minutes left over= phone life. i'd still rather be on the phone with you than be next to anyone else.

i slept for twelve hours last night. instead of doing any of the above things that i needed to be doing. my ability to neglect duties is becoming quite fascinating.

auditioned for a summer-stock theatre this weekend. whole season, or maybe just a show or two. this summer may end up being VERY good.

i really really miss amanda graanstra. in case you were wondering. i had a number one best friend one time. that was a girl. it was good to my soul.

in case you were wondering...

2008-04-04T16:28:00.003-04:00

hummus is really yummy.
i make my coffee really sweet.
unless i'm eating it with something else sweet.
my feet usually smell.
i keep everything, waiting for that one time when someone says, "well, does anyone have ____?"
and i can say yes.
i sleep with a teddy bear. the same one for seven years. call me old fashioned when it comes to intimacy.
i drink soy milk from the carton.
meals that consist of only one thing bore me to tears.
i don't generally know how to use televisions.
im irrationally afraid of thunderstorms.
i was 50 feet away from a bolt of lightning on monday.
i have this thing with falling asleep on couches.
guitar music puts me to sleep.
especially when im on a couch.
i relive most of my memories in my head when i get bored so i can pull up the real feelings when im acting.
that gives me a bizarre relationship with my emotions.
i don't want to finish college.
i'm most likely going to finish college.
im allergic to nickel.
the metal, not the coin.
i think.
mid-california has what i consider to be the perfect climate.
if you tell me something, i'll most likely remember what i was looking at when you told me.
vanilla is for wimps.
so are shoes.
if you're talking to me and a train goes by, or the sound of one, don't be offended. i'll pay attention again in a minute or two.

but i make it look fun

2008-03-30T16:45:00.004-04:00

i paralyze myself too easily.
i don't know what that says about me. but i sit and stare and drown in the amount of things i need to do, and if they're manageable then i can just start the first one and start checking them off the list that i always have running, written or unwritten. if they're not manageable, as they often aren't, i sit paralyzed, unable to even begin because if i won't get them done, why even start and subject myself to the inevitable hours of stress? but i can't even blow them off and enjoy the self-induced free time. it's too guilt-ridden. so i sit and stare and drown.

don't be busy like me.

house and home.

2008-03-19T12:58:00.003-04:00

im sick.
i think it's because im allergic to my house in pittsburgh.
but i love that house. it is so many things that my home in meadville was not. they both have their benefits, but the pittsburgh house just represents a lot more happiness than the meadville house did. my family is always there. extended family too. we never had family in our meadville house. we always had to go to pittsburgh to see them. now they come over for every birthday, game, weekend, basically anytime they aren't all together at one of the other siblings' houses, they're at ours. i love that. and i'm an adult there. they moved the weekend of my 20th birthday. from the first time i set foot there, it was with the knowledge that i half live in that house where my parents now stay and there is a tiny room on the second floor set aside just for me when i come to visit, but that i'm not expected to stay forever and i'm not expected to call every time i leave or be back by a certain time.
even after i left for college, the house in meadville uncontrollably took me back to jr high and high school whenever i went back. of late nights giggling on instant messenger instead of doing my homework. of running out the door late for everything- school, youth group, dance, rehearsal, life in general. of retreating to my basement room with the sliding glass door to get away from my dad and not speaking to him for weeks on end. twenty years of making the rounds from the tall cabinet by the table, to the one above it, to the fridge, to the cabinet next to it looking for something to eat. twenty winters of firewood in the woodstove and smelling like woodsmoke. twenty summers of opening every window and door and alternating inside and outside looking for the coolest place or the place that would provide whatever solace i decided i needed that day. that teenage feeling of always being monitored and controlled, even though my parents are the most easy-going and supportive i've ever met.
the pittsburgh house is associated with the freedom to go and do as i please and still be able to call that building on josphine street my home. always welcome. me and whoever's with me. always homemade iced tea and leftover mashed potatoes in the fridge. dad's bitter beer in the basement and mom's bottle of wine next to the microwave so she can sip it while she's cooking dinner and blasting music through the house.

i am one of a few phenomenally blessed people to have the home and family that others only dream of. it took me a few years to realize it, but i see it now and am overwhelmed by gratitude for it every day. it's not perfect. it's not always fun. i'm driven crazy by repetition after two weeks of being home. but it's always there. stop by anytime. you'll be welcomed.

...i still think i'm allergic though. it keeps me from getting too settled there-- makes me keep moving on to the next crazy thing. but that's a genetic trait, i think ; )

soon it will be VERY loud

2008-03-08T16:20:00.002-05:00

house is clean
food is cooking
showers are taken
clothes are on
cars are moved
sitting and waiting for the birthday party of a lifetime to start.
or just the overwhelming joy that drowns me when all of my favorite people are in one place together... especially when that place is my home-- my new home that i've fallen in love with but rarely get to visit.
my mum is one of eight kids and they ALL will be here tonight. i have a beautiful homey eclectic brick house in pittsburgh, pa. the boy that has changed my entire life around is on his way to spend this with me.

some things are just overwhelmingly good.

p.s. soon to come-- the roadtrip home story :^O
the week preceding march 9 is always a crazy one.

so how's the weather?

2008-03-02T10:46:00.003-05:00

happy march.
it's pretty much my favorite month.
i always thought that spring started in march.
and i would get so frustrated that it was still snowing for the whole month.
and then i remembered that i lived in nw pennsylvania.
where spring doesn't start till may.
and then it made sense.

flying and falling

2008-02-28T23:28:00.003-05:00

i was told by someone that they know me more now than they did two months ago. that they've learned things they didn't previously know. and that scared me for some reason. i guess i assume that because people tell me im loud and upfront and appear to be very secure in who i am... that i am consistently "that." that i let everyone know or see certain things about me, even sometimes regardless of who they are or how i know them. that i try to come across to everyone the same. and to many people, that seems brave.
i also know that people think i come across fake. insincere. because i try to be the same with most people. i can understand that.

but then for those few people with whom i actually do get much closer, i wonder if i dump a load on them. i take the deepening of the relationship as a cue to let loose, and let it all come out? is that what most people do? or do most people just continue their varying levels of intimacy with varying levels of friends and nothing's a huge surprise because anyone who knows them really knows them and sees it all coming...

maybe this other side of me is just brutally different from the parts i show the general public of friends and aquaintances.
i manipulate the world around me. i'm not thrilled about it, but i don't deny it.
i wrote a whole scene of my solo show about my subconscious internal process of handing people the exact amount of myself that i think they can handle("I'M FREAKING LOUD...OKAY?...blackout" haha), or maybe slightly more or less depending on how daring they are. so, is getting dangerously close to me your automatic ticket for the dirty load? for the stuff that you never would have thought or assumed. the things you "didn't know"?

maybe i should work toward being a more "integrated" person. the bad with the good. .................yeah i've heard that a lot.
but im still a fan of the 'who wants to see everyone's dirty laundry' line. no pun intended.
the select few. and you share theirs. but other than that just enjoy life with people...
me and my pride. my best friend.
ugh.

an irony of sorts.

2008-02-25T01:59:00.003-05:00

ive been struck lately with how small we make our own worlds. how introspective and individual our concerns. how every person that you walk past is concerned with themselves and their day and their life and their plans and their sadnesses and their denial and their attempts to change or stay the same.
and i am the worst. i know that.
but everyone on varying levels is this way. even mother theresa we learn had a private life in which she doubted and questioned and had individual and selfish concerns. and i love her for that. because it makes her and her work accessible. you do not have to be perfect and entirely selfless every minute of every day to do her work, you just need to continue to work and care in the midst of it.

and the trend seems to be that the more we open up and let others in, as well as care for others without thought to ourselves (or try to), the closer we come to finding the true love for ourselves and the beauty in letting other people in to love us.
unfortunately i seemed to have learned along my one-woman path through life that letting people in just leads to hurt. unnecessary. hurt that would not have happened if i had not let that person/those people in that far. and i can fully argue both sides, both for and against radical trust, don't worry. but... i put stock in my feelings because i know the control and manipulation i subject my thoughts to, and my feelings when honest (rare) reveal to me that after the whole argument with myself, the pros of keeping people out outweigh the pros of letting them in.
i don't know whether or not that's "right."
but my feelings have proved truer and authentic-er in the past. many more times than my thoughts.

so that's the me that you encounter when all you get is a smile and a loud greeting, no inquiry to your soul, and no invitations to mine. it's nothing personal against you. it's totally personal against me. and it's a battle that i'm struggling to even convince myself to fight. so, in the words of a strangely relevant monologue from my solo show about my struggle with pride... "please love me anyway?"

and here i am writing a blog of all things, the ultimate of inward-action (because i write and throw it out there gambling on whether anyone will read it, and if they do whether they will even be concerned with what i write) about acting inwardly, rather than doing something about it. as if this world wide web confession that may reach no one at all somehow justifies my continued apathy in this regard...

puh-oast scuh-ript

2008-02-21T02:35:00.003-05:00

ps individualism is a negative thing. it's not being unique and independent. it's only thinking about yourself.

im craving fried chicken and some kind of cooked fish with lemon juice.
i think i need to invest more meat in my diet.
damned beans and rice. ok i lied, it's bread and cheese.

if you had 28 pounds of jarslberg swiss in your fridge, you'd be a cheese-itarian too.

im going to bed.

sufficiently failed today? check.

2008-02-21T00:34:00.003-05:00

feeling strangely exhausted after a wasted day
why do we measure days based on the number of things to check off our guilty list?
and if we don't feel we've checked enough off, then we just feel... guilty.

check that off the list.
feel guilty. .check.

i wish my life were based on other people and relationships with them, not my overwhelming individualism and schedule.
it seems easier for others to see how to change that. just change.
and while i'm just "changing," you pick out your largest and longest struggle that is hard to alter and even harder to admit, and change that.
and we'll talk.

not impossible. just overwhelming. and depressing, which puts you right back at the start.

for you.

2008-02-17T17:56:00.002-05:00

rest easy now.
there's no rush
rest easy now.
there are many who love you.
and though we don't always do it the best, or know how to try, the more you let us know the more we can be where we need to be.
and not just for you. but because we want to.
because you have been that for us so many times.
the least we can do is try to care back. when you need it.

so don't be sad. don't be stuck. don't think too much.
rest easy for a little while.
we'll be here.
let us be.

trains and simple thoughts.

2008-02-17T02:05:00.004-05:00

it whistles by
and screams a sigh
that brings you to my
memory

it rushes by
and we can spy
the words that fly
past

it chugs along
and sends a song
miles strong
winding

a yellow night
snow reflects light
and you are right
beside me

no more pretend
that i can spend
today to the end
...
without you.

so there.

2008-02-15T09:34:00.001-05:00

ok i like you.
happy?

*i know this'll be hard, because you don't have opposable thumbs, but get. a. grip.*

who can afford this??

2008-01-24T19:36:00.000-05:00

speaking of education being expensive...

why can't we be one of those schools where you can pay a fee to freeze your freaking tuition to what it is when you decide that you can afford to go to that freaking school? especially if affording it is based on scholarships that DO NOT get any higher when tuition does??

let's change that 40+ thousand to hmm say 80?? is that even possible?
i should have just been a doctor.

i don't mean that. but come on.

i have to map this out... bear with me

2008-01-23T16:03:00.001-05:00

i wish priorities were simple. or that you could just have an idea and go through with it and not have to map out the repercussions and later live with them and try to figure out whether or not it was worth it.
i'm talking about school.
most people i know are seriously debating staying in school right now. ok that's not entirely true- most of them are realizing that it's an option to leave and we would be much less in debt and do we really need it or are we just here because it's the thing to do and where we are... but then we all get too scared of the actual possibility of leaving that we give up on it. like we don't have a choice. but we do.
im studying theatre. and i'm still not entirely sure that's what i want to do professionally, but i've come to terms with the fact that just an uncertainty about theatre doesn't mean the entire education is worth nothing if i don't use that specific part of the degree. and because i don't know whether or not i'll go professional, in some senses i already have the experience and ability to get into the theatre that i'd want to do without having the degree or title. but... graduating and having a bachelor's will ultimately be a benefit because the whole level of job potential is being reworked around my generation being college graduates. and i'm a bit of a nerd-- i like to run things, not just sit and watch. but any position like that will require a liberal arts degree. which i will have. if i stay in school for another year. and get another year's worth of debt that i can't even begin to pay.

and so what about traveling? what about living on just enough to get by and change and spontaneity of being young? how does that work with 40+ thousand dollars of school loans? we're chaining ourselves to a grind stone... but what other option do we have, especially when we already have three years of school under our belt? my parents had it so good- moving to cali right after high school and living on whatever they could gather and sharing with friends and traveling and living it up while they could. but now they're suffering from middle-age-middle-class-syndrome, with very little wiggle room in any direction. my dad still drives trucks around all day to pay for the groceries. he's 51 years old. and he's brilliant. but in a lot of ways he's just stuck.

so rational thinking...

i guess i'm staying in school. above, when i was talking about people considering radical possibilities then just giving up and going back to knowing that they won't actually make the hard decision and quit school... yeah that's me. but other options... some of the humanitarian aid programs will defer school loans while you serve with them. americorps does. so i could still take advantage of my not-settled-anywhere-yet position and my extremely low budget and my need to go out and do things that aren't spending thousands of dollars to make myself more marketable-- and still get out and about for a while.

yeah but then theatre comes back up. i'll never be more prepared to do well than right after 4 years of training. but going straight to theatre means going straight into loans. going straight into a low income that has to get me normal things like rent and groceries. straight to hoping for a touring job because they're exciting and pay the best, but are a strain on things like... hmmm relationships? and as much as i would love to put my art before everything else, traveling around and leaving behind someone who i finally just got a hold of... does not sound like a fun idea to me at all.

back to square one? or maybe just an educated square one. education is expensive.

frozen.

2008-01-16T14:47:00.001-05:00

and then there are the times when everything you try to do to save people just hurts them worse. intentions apparently are not what they seem to be. so now i struggle with the evidence that anything that begins with the base intention to make hurt go away... will serve just to hurt them even more.
and so i remain in limbo... too scared to make a move in either direction... because maybe if i make all my intentions go away and don't move at all... that will be the only way to not hurt anyone more.

like a cartoon frozen in some bizarre shape where nothing moves but its shifting eyes, knowing that if it moves a muscle anywhere else on its body, more of the tense strings connected to the rest of world will snap and let relationships down. but the shifting eyes can't help but see the damage they've already caused.

and even that seems to leave the rest fuming and/or bleeding.

crazy little thing called art

2008-01-09T18:02:00.000-05:00

so i'm in milwaukee, wisconsin. competing at the American College Theatre Festival. yeah i'm that cool. i fought and bled and raised some money to bring in a respondent (representative of the Festival) to see A Streetcar Named Desire in November when I played Stella, managed to get nominated by said respondent and now i'm competing with my friend lisa. ok so we had he preliminary round today and we didn't get past that, but no one from anderson ever has. i'm not losing hope though. tomorrow we get feedback from the judges about the three minute scene we competed with this morning, and i'm hoping to get some good tips. learning is good. and that's what this week is all about. now that the competing part is over, the rest of the week is workshops and shows, from which you can learn as much in one intensive week as you can in a semester of liberal arts studies. this will be a good week. thanks to everybody who supported us along the way : ).

i had a late lunch with ronn, my theatre professor from au, today (long story but basically we ended up having to rely on him and a school credit card anytime we want to buy food... but i'm still thankful to the sponsors who made it possible to be here) and it was really great to sit around and talk about acting and coaching and directing and etcetera. i have yet to completely settle on what function theatre will have in my life beyond this point, because i'm starting to realize it may have to be all or nothing, at least for a little while. or at least it will definitely have to be all if i want it to be more than a hobby. nobody gets into the arts for free or easy. but then i have to really figure out why i'm doing it and where i would like that to take me. i didn't audition for any nyc schools or anything because i knew any attempt to get "famous" would go to my head and make me a horrible person. or just horribly depressed. but you gotta fend your way through no matter what. and in case some of you haven't noticed... i only take risks when i have a general idea that they could possibly work out. im a selective risk taker. i guess it makes you look good though, because when you don't do things you will probably fail at, you can convince people that you very rarely fail. my apologies to anyone who i've convinced of that. it's not true-- i'm just a coward a lot of times. so all of that to say- i need to keep taking risks and maybe even take some more to find out if i'm just doing this because i'm sufficiently "good" at it to at least keep my head above water for now, or if i'm going to find out how to make it work with my general life plans.... you know, try to care about people. or if, to a certain extent, they don't have to mix.

and thus the circle continues. i'm just gonna go to workshops and shows and keep thinking for now.

when home is plural. and diversified.

2007-12-23T22:50:00.001-05:00

everything seems to be irritating me. and yet somehow i'm not in a constant state of irritation. i'm in a constant state of contentedness about certain things and excitement in looking forward to other situations. maybe it's the staticity (that is a word as of now) of home... some things never change. especially when i see my family this many times in one semester. maybe i haven't been gone long enough this time to appreciate coming back. all the adults in my family seem to be getting older. they sit around and joke just like they always have- it's just slightly more bitter and fatalistic sounding now. and i can see more of the hurt that is so easy to miss and ignore when we're the children. i'm sure growing up seems just as weird to them as it does to me seeing it happen to them. i find myself then in a strange spot- do i have to fill in the spaces they've left? do i have to have the same kinds of relationships? what happens to the differences between us? i know i can forge my own way but we seem to have cut out the shape of our family, so the places where i differ from that tend to get stuffed down when i'm with them. they would love me no matter what. they would just make 'trying-to-understand' faces and then talk among themselves later. they forged their own way when they were younger-- that seems to have led to this new formation we have in front of us to fill. so where does that expect of us?

i guess just follow the trend and set things the way we want them to go. and endure the faces. and then leave again to go back where the other half of you makes sense.

}scattered is i{

2007-11-30T01:33:00.000-05:00

i felt so much more... poetic last night when i couldn't get into this account. oh well. something about confusion. i'm confused. but when does that end, huh? never. i'm continuing in a state of passivity because i'm not yet aware of the decision i even have to make. so i keep going.

everything seems to happen in extremes. sometimes (and with some people) i'm always on top of my game and they think i never miss a beat. other times (and people) see me apparently at the worst and wonder how i remember to take my head with me when i leave my apartment for the day. if either of these two groups thought i was normal, maybe i would be more satisfied. no. probably not. but my own extremes of duality and inconsistency drive me crazy.

the end.

i need to go work on those papers i NEVER turned in. because i was throwing my heart and soul into a show that people really seemed to appreciate. *sigh* no one wins.

i heard a really hard story today and it reminded me of scars on your life. that you have for the rest of your life. something that can happen in an instant leaves its mark for eternity. and sometimes you know as soon as you sit down and realize what happened... that you will never again be the way you were before it happened. not that everything now will be horrible, there's just an extra little piece added on to every experience. and an extra little lens you can whip out and look through anytime (or all the time depending on how well you can put it away). those are the true sad moments of life, when you are sitting there understanding the impact something just had on you... and that it won't ever go back to before.

PFC Brenner of My Generation

2007-10-29T01:23:00.000-04:00

some things in life are just worth it. like wearing obnoxiously huge sweatpants all day. watching small children sleep. smoking hookah with your parents. planning lunch with an old friend. staying up late because you can. falling asleep next to someone who is smiling at you. eating ice cream before dinner and straight from the carton.

and some things are really hard.

and sometimes there's a very thin line between them.

my brother is in the army. special forces. fort benning i think. he's the last person on earth i ever imagined in the army, and if you know him then you'll understand. but he's there and writing all the miserable bootcamp details in letters to my mum that make her cry. but he'll be home for christmas.
he told me once how close he was to breaking both knees of someone who really really hurt me. it's hard to imagine someone growing up without that kind of a big brother presence. he's far away and he's impulsive and he's poor, but there's a sense of little sister-ship that goes along with motorcycles and broken knees. he's trained me well for this life in which i seem to play everyone's little sister.
on stage and off.

the actor's lament

2007-10-25T02:36:00.000-04:00

i started college a hundred years ago.
i graduated high school a million years ago.
and i'm still not old enough to drink it away.

writing my nightmares like some sick punishment
cringing at the thoughts
some things have to keep coming back.

the god of everything still thinks i'm cool.

have you ever had those times where you seem to have no control over your mind? it goes wherever it wants and you can't shake it. maybe it's worse for actors... we train ourselves to feel more strongly, deeply, and memorably than those who have the privilege of forgetting their memories. we keep them to use later on... to help others or maybe to help ourselves... or maybe just to make a kickass character who really seems to feel. that's not why i have to write down the nightmares i've dreamt. but that's why i have to relive the nightmares i've lived through.

four score and seven turtles ago...

2006-12-29T14:48:00.000-05:00

whoa. man im good at this.

i hate doing these updates, i feel like they're so selfish, thinking that everyone is THAT interested in your life. well for those of you who have ever taken a peek at this, here is your latest update.

sophomore year of college. miles better than freshman. not depressed, not sorting through life and myself and who i was vs. wanted to be vs. let myself be vs. never thought i could... all that jazz. well, a little bit of that, but it's much happier now. lots of theatre and music classes, got a ton of my liberal arts done last year. i was in all three shows at school this semester: a musical (carousel), a modern greek tragedy (women of lockerbie), and an original work by an AU senior (elegy). always in rehearsal, all semester, but i loved it. and whenever i wasnt in rehearsal, i was with this one kid.... who is now my daa da da daaaaa: boyfriend. that's been an interesting ride. it's been a long time since i did the boyfriend thing. but he's worth it. i got a southern boy... they make 'em different down there :-). nothing against northern boys... haha but he never has to wait for me. because im always late, but he's later. and it is good to my soul. schoolwise, next semester= more of the same. theatre and music classes, only potentially one show instead of three, but lots of hours in the theatre nonetheless. actual method training. im excited. and ACTF (acting competition) in milwaukee in two weeks. i have no idea what to expect with that, but im really looking forward to it. compete with a scene and a partner and then attend workshops and such for the rest of the week. im trying to enjoy every bit of this whole school year- before i have to go back to the liberal arts schedule.

my family is in the process of moving to pittsburgh... finally i know. my dad has a job down there already- he works there during the week and comes home on the weekends. im not really around to experience it. so apparently i'll have a room in the new house, but i dont imagine i'll be "living" there much. not many more times i'll be home for much more than a visit. as soon as the meadville house sells, we'll pretty much be out of there. i've never moved before, other than taking half my stuff to college. i mean, people do it all the time, but i've only had one house that ever had my family AND meant home. as long as i can go back to the neighborhood and walk through the woods sometimes, even when i grow up. the house will belong to someone else, become someone else's "home," but back in those woods hadnt changed since i was little, and im counting on it to stay the same for a long time to come. country girl or not, that was the one place i could leave my house, without a car, and be alone to read or think or laugh or sing... i sang back there a lot. because i could sing as loud as i wanted and no one would hear or shush me or even tell me to keep singing... i could just sing. moving will be ok, because i still know how to get back there.

otherwise... im at an interesting type of moving standstill. standstill because nothing huge is changing (haha by my terms of change that is- i guess those things i just talked about would be pretty big changes for some people). where i am and i guess who i am has become fairly... stable? for the time being. but im still living, still moving, still changing every day in the midst of that stability. i guess that makes it sound pretty good. it is. better than last year. worse than some good times past. but altogheter good.

how's that for an update? sorry that my posts ound like i'm trying to have an awkward conversation with you. i'll work on that.

nearing the sun

2006-07-14T01:58:00.000-04:00

summers are no good for selfish people. my life has become a monologue, a single walk through a park plus occasional chats with bystanders along the way. never stop though. talk to them, make a dialogue, but keep moving. my life never stops. my consciousness is constant. and i am always there. if life were a movie, i would be the star. ive been in every frame since it began. nineteen years, four months, and four days. and it goes up until this very moment. now this one. and this one. and im still here. narrating, and filming, and editing (or trying to), and realizing what i can and cant write. what i can and cant change. in both of those cases, mostly cant. but when other people are trampling all over my film, it’s easier for me to remember that other people are making their own movies, and im just a character- from innocent bystander to aquaintance to supporting actress- in their own films. when it’s just me for so long though, i seem to forget about all the filmmaking going on around me. mine is the only one that exists, and other people exist only when they appear on the screen. no green room. no waiting area. like valentino. they exist to walk across my life, maybe once a day, maybe once in a lifetime, and when they are not doing that, they simply… disappear. right? dont they? even you. you exist to make me better, right? you exist to give me reasons to be happy and sad and disappointed and hopeful. and when you arent being used like that in my emotions… you cease to exist. and some of you are the main players. just think about all the extras. they are lucky just to get a walk-in. or, god forbid, a cameo. and the bystanders… what a sad existence. and god? what does that make him?
summers are no good for selfish people.
besides that... think about it. i know im not alone here.

i AM the dairy queen

2006-06-28T11:08:00.000-04:00

so- work. i worked my first day at dairy queen on monday. i donned the apron and baseball cap and watch out ice cream world! it was overall an okay experience, much better prior to the hour and a half of cleaning after the store closed. that was sad. i caught on pretty quick though- i only got to make a few things because we really only made whatever someone ordered (imagine that) so the rest wil just have to wait for another day, another customer. i made about a bazillion blizzards though, especially the new cheesecake kinds, and let me just say that i make a mean cheesecake blizzard. oh man, the blizzard machine and i totally duked it out all night- it won a few battles, but ultimately i won the war. it was bloody though. or at least i had strawberries and ice cream ALL over me! i bleach-penned the heck out of my shirt as soon as i got home and threw it in the laundry. OH! AND- so i worked from 5 to close (10 + cleanup) so i had to take a half hour break at 7:30. so, genius that i am, i remember that i started my curs-ed period that morning and completely forgot to bring anything with me to work… i know, awkward, right? well i didnt have any money to go buy anything, so i decided that it’s about 13 minutes to my house- i’ll drive home really fast, grab some stuff plus something to munch on then come back and start work again. so i run out to my car… my little civic… and it wont start. i had left the lights on, because there’s no beep or anything. im mortified. so i go back in, and form another genius plan. i’ll call my mum, have her or dad drive in now to jump my car before it gets late, and also bring some stuff for me. of course, my dad answers, so i have to explain the whole situation to him plus where in the bathroom to look- poor guy. he agrees, i make myself a hot fudge sundae and wait for him to get there. he comes in a little later and i start walking out the door to the car and he’s like, “wait, dont you want your…” and has them tucked into the hem of his t-shirt. i just laughed and shoved them into my pocket and said. “oh yeah- sorry about all that. thanks dad.” the rest of the story is pretty self-explanatory, but i laughed really hard when i realized that if i wouldnt have forgotten the stuff, i wouldnt have known that my car was dead until 11:30 when i got off work, and both of my parents would have been asleep… oh boy. my life. im so bad at being a girl. yeah. that was work. i was tired afterwards, especially my left hand from wiping tables and counters and fighting the blizzard machine. and i have to admit that it was humbling to walk around the restaurant in an apron and cap with a bucket of soapy water and a towel scrubbing tables. but i guess humbling is what we all need… especially me. my mind would wander so much while i was outside of the kitchen that i kept trying to come up with some role to play- motivation to wipe the tables, you know? hahaha. i kept coming up with these college girls in nyc trying to work over the summer to raise enough money to finish school and become a pediatrician or something noble. not like an actress . i was trying to incorporate exciting things like terminal diseases and boys, but student over the summer was as far as i got my first night. exotic, right? and really original. but i have three more days this week. i’ll work up something exciting.

someone told me last night that if they were in an arranged marriage, they hoped it would be with me. that made my whole day... i think.

going down the road, feeling bad...

2006-06-14T01:21:00.000-04:00

ok- so leah story of the day- my dad re-teaching me how to drive a standard. so i learned how to drive this little '91 honda civic or whatever two summers ago, but then ended up driving a different vehicle because of the winters here. then, when it was finalized that i'll be here and working all of this summer, i get the civic again. this time for real. i think. so anyway, i learned how to drive the thing back then, but never really practiced or perfected it. so today we decide to have a touch up lesson, which my dad decides to begin with my backing out of our uphill-inclined driveway. now, im the type of person that likes to know why things are the way they are- for example, what words actually mean in french, not just how to pronounce phrases. then i can use the same words in other situations. same goes with cars… kind of. i at least want to know what i will be doing and why and when, before i am expected to do it so i can know how to use it in various situations, right? yeah well we all conveniently forgot all of this and so i manage to get out of the driveway, where i stall the car in the middle of the road, not a busy road, neighborhood and all, when TWO cars decide to come down the road toward me… except that there is almost no room to get around me on either side and i conveniently forgot how to start the damn thing and get it out of the way fast enough… so while im trying to figure this out, both cars edge past me on one side, one of which is driven by a gym teacher from my high school who once yelled at me in front of an entire blood drive group that i had organized (but who otherwise liked me?), and the people nonchalantly standing outside the house across the street talking hear and see the whole thing… and just kind of stare. ok, i dont get embarassed easily, but this whole 19 year old learning how to drive AGAIN thing was pushing at my limits. so after these cars impatiently pass, i get started again but dont really remember the things from two summers ago, all of which have to happen really fast when you first get started. thank god for my dad, who can handle anyone in a car (you know, professional driver and all…) - he put up with me when i ended up almost crying because i was frustrated and didnt want to do it anymore… and after starting and stopping about a bazillion times along our long windy road, and then starting and backing back down the hill of our driveway about a bazillion more times, we drove around the area in both directions and managed to actually smile a little. him more than me, but i was thinking about smiling. by the end of it, he said i did extremely well for my "first" time, but he said that last time too. i dont know if i can do it by myself though. i mean, the basics i got, but it's the tricky stuff like downshifting into turns and how many times to take your foor off the clutch… oh boy. this may be a long summer. but next time christian needs me to make a lowe's run with her car- i will be able to confidently answer, "yes! i can drive a stick! send me anywhere! i will triumph!" take that, convention! (that phrase really isnt appropos at all, it just makes me feel better when i yell it at random intervals throughout the day).

wow can you tell i dont get out much anymore? i'm enjoying this no responsibility thing way too much for my own good. please call me and save me from myself. four days till the beach! woo hoo!

"a woman and a dog... probably a golden retriever"

2006-06-12T00:27:00.000-04:00

So last Monday, I decided to go up to the creek behind the house that’s across the street with this golden retriever that apparently lives down the street but has become the neighborhood dog. I never had a dog. I ran around the yard with it for a while the day before. So we’re walking up the creek yesterday and if he ran ahead of me I would call “Hey pup!” and he would come bounding back into sight. (I climbed a Tarzan vine again- even farther this time than last time because it was dry!). The dog runs up a hill ahead of me and I decide to turn around and go back. I yell, but he doesn’t come back. I start walking back down the creek (I’m barefoot, wearing a beater and Bermuda shorts and wonderfully smelly) and all of a sudden I hear a bird or something up on the hill. It gets louder and I realize it sounds like a cat or some animal dying- it’s this hissing screeching shriek full of more pain than I’ve heard in a long time. It creeps me out and I freeze, then slowly start walking again. Then, I hear the dog running through the woods back to me- I turn around and he’s bounding down to the creek (and me) with a raccoon in his mouth- still alive and shrieking louder than life! All four of its legs are sticking straight out and it is furious. All I can think of is how cats like to hunt things and then bring them to their owner as a gift or something- my cat lays animals in varying degrees of wholeness and life at my door or at my feet all the time- always more dead than alive though. So this dog’s running toward me and I’m terrified that he’s going to lay the thing at my feet (bare, mind you) where it would bite, scratch, claw at whatever it could- it was injured and angry and that's what injured and angry animals do… and it could certainly have run faster than me through the woods if I tried to run away from it on the ground. Nevertheless, I see him coming and so I take off down the stream- I had no idea where I was stepping (or on what) and I’m ducking under tree branches and running like I'm being followed by an axe murderer, and then I realize that the dog is following me and catching up and loving every minute of it like the running games we had played the day before! So I stop and face him, throw out my hand and yell “NNNO!” a couple times to freeze him in his tracks. He stops, looks at me, and drops the still screaming animal on the ground about 10 feet away from me. It immediately tries to fight him so he picks it back up and I scream at him again and try to motion for him to take it away. He finally takes off with it, still shrieking, up the hill and down the stream where I was heading. He stopped and looked back at me once, but I just yelled no again. After he disappeared, I just stood there shaking form running with adrenaline and holding my breath when I didn’t know if he would listen to me or not. Then I laughed and started walking again really slow. I was afraid it wold be laying somewhere almost dead and I would step right next to it and end up getting bit anyway. Then I heard the dog barking back up at the house and I wondered if he thought I was hurt and was trying to get someone’s attention or something like in the movies. That’s what golden retrievers do, right? When I got closer, I yelled for him and he ran down to me, raccoon free. I patted him on the head and asked him if he had killed it, then he followed me back to my house and I went inside. It was quite an adventure.

summer and way too many restaurants

2006-05-18T23:30:00.000-04:00

this is more recent.... an attempt at some honesty here. im usually not very good at that (about myself).

in case any of you were wondering... im at home. not in anderson doing summer courses. the script writing class was cancelled and to make a long story short, my mum offered to just come get me the day before i was supposed to move out and i took her up on it. but i was relying on going back to indianapolis in june for an internship at a church out there... but then i got this email:

Leah, I'm sorry it took so long to get back with you. I talked with the worship arts pastor about the internship. After discussing with him, and looking at the aim of the internship this summer is not going to happen. Apparently the worship arts ministry area isn't as equiped to bring in interns as i had thought. I work with other ministry areas and assumed that all of them were equally equiped to bring in more people and mentor them in such away that the would develop as leaders. As of now there is not a drama aspect to the worship arts ministries, when we had talked it was in the makings and i thought that it would be put into action by now but because of several reasons it has not yet. In the fall this process will begin. Because of all this it would not be fair to you to ask you to come and try to on your own with very little staff support and mentorship try to get a drama ministry started. Leah, The reason we can't bring you in has nothing to do with you. You are a solid individual and i am not the onlt person upset about not being able to bring you in for an internship in the area of drama. I would have loved to be able to work alongside and with you in this process this summer. Next summer we will have a drama ministry begun at our church that should be able to really develop someone with your passions and interest. if you are still interested in such an opportunity you would be more than welcomed. God has great things in your present and future. If you have any further questions or anything feel free to email me.

sooooooo... maybe not. and im kinda frustrated. not just about the internship. ok so to be completely honest- im really frustrated about this summer. i dont know what the heck im going to be doing, and i feel like any control i was attempting to give back to god just fell through the floor and the outcome of this summer was dumped back into my lap… and i dont want it any more. im trying to give him back control, and i feel like he's not taking it. although thats not completely true, because all of these decisions that ive made have been.. .mine. ive decided. i just DO NOT WANT TO STAY IN MEADVILLE ALL SUMMER. and its really nothing against meadville. i have some amazing friends here. and if i stay i can work and make more money, i can travel, i can go to the beach with my family, i can see my friends, etc... but i only have a few summers to go out and do wild and crazy things (or at least learning experiences that dont pay whole lot...). i was looking into church internships, theatre internships, camps, classes... but everything seems to be falling through. and i know that if i stay home i might actually find myself sitting still long enough to think about getting back on track from this inescapable crappiness. but i feel like being in meadville for the summer could hinder more than help that movement anyway.who knows. i'll look back at this later and think, 'oh yeah i remember when i was all ticked off and didnt know what that summer was gonna look like.' not sayng that by then it will have all worked out well, but at least i will know the end of the story by then. what really did (will?) happen this summer. oh boy.

church? really?

2006-05-18T23:10:00.000-04:00

ok so this was written last week. deal with it.

so im going to that michigan conference thing this week. whoa. i definitely thought it was in like two or three weeks. but no. its this wednesday and thursday. and cliff and brent are both going… neither of which ive seen much since christmas. this could be interesting. i hope things are as ok as they can be, because then they'll be really fun. and the conference is all about worship through the arts (major ones- drama, music, media…) so if i actually get this internship then i'll be all fresh and ready to try things from this week while im there. watch out indianapolis. yeah. this summer will be interesting because i've already made a huge switch over the last year from being all about theatre as a solid ministry, to hating the idea of theatre in a church. basically to not being big on the idea of church in general- not the true meaning of it, but just what it has come to represent. these megachurches in suburbia where people can get their weekly god-fill and their daily starbucks-modern-architecture fill all in one fun filled morning or afternoon, depending on which of the eight services they go to. but oh yeah. i go to a church that is quickly becoming that. and people are being changed. i think. the lord is moving. i think. kids are learning how to make right decisions. i think. i know that im making huge judgment calls… but i guess i just want to explore both extremes before i settle somewhere in the informed middle? thats why i want this internship. to see if these megachurch/nondenominational-is-the-only-way-to-be/casual-but-in-style/mochachino-bookstore-candyland-for-children are really working. and how they do it if they do work. this might be just the thing to reach our coffee and media saturated suburban america, and maybe the multitudes really are being saved. to each his own. play the hymns on the organ in the one room chapels for the old folk and bust out the amplifiers and powerpoints for the young folk who relate that way. i like music to be loud enough so that im not selfconscious about the volume of my singing. i think i maybe feel guilty for liking parts of modern megachurch? why? i have no idea. maybe i feel like the money should be spent on other things… but then how do you justify saving all the homeless if all the upper-middle class people are oblivious and going to hell? ok, so have the crazy committed people live in communities of service together to help the people who need it and leave the megachurches to reach suburbia? who knows. this is what i want to find out. and theatre? well i think for now i'll just keep doing shows like moonlight and valentino and jake and jenny that at least catch people with their defenses down and make them think. theatre that changes the soul?

they call me the six year old...

2006-05-12T01:40:00.000-04:00

I would to heaven that I were so much clay,
As I am blood, bone, marrow, passion, feeling—
Because at least the past were pass’d away
And for the future—(but I write this reeling,
Having got drunk exceedingly to-day,
So that I seem to stand upon the ceiling)
I say—the future is a serious matter—
And so—for God’s sake—hock and soda-water!

That was written on the back of Lord Byron’s manuscript of Canto I for Don Juan. It made me laugh a lot. I really wish that I was a poet. Not one that writes songs and interesting new ways to look at life and love, but the old fashioned kind whose life depended on spitting out rhymes and verse and comedy and tragedy. With some people it just comes naturally, so who am I to try and fake it?
Interesting time today- I decided to go through my clothes. I have all kinds of clothes left over from my previous life that sit in drawers and wait for me to come home and play with them again. I rarely do. And this weekend I brought all kinds of new clothes home with me, and there simply was not enough room to add the old and new together. So I went through all of them and kept some and threw some out. As any girl should know, when you go through old stuff, you get all excited and want to play with it again… well clothes are no different. So after about seven different combinations of clothes just for fun, I ended up wearing this amazing purplish hippie skirt, a white beater like normal, and this huge black belt on my hips as the defining line where my shirt stopped and the skirt began. And to top it all off, my hair went through some odd transformations until eventually landing in a topsy turvy ponytail! Once again, girls PLEASE tell me you know what I’m talking about. I mean how early 90’s can we get? So I’m running around my room which is completely strewn over with clothes from the last five to ten years of my life and listening to all my music (mostly showtunes) on ‘random’ through my sub-woofer I figured out how to connect to my laptop. And of course you can’t listen to showtunes without acting them out, so I was flipping almost instantaneously from Jesus Christ Superstar to Wicked to Into the Woods and back. Oh, and with a little bit of Mariah Carey in there *wink*. Then I stopped to read a little bit of Don Juan but was completely interrupted by my cat who was standing outside the glass door to the kitchen with a mouse hanging from her mouth meowing as best she could and wanting to come in. I laughed and told her to be quiet and that I was NOT going to let her in but thanks for the present anyway. By then I couldn’t focus on Lord Byron so I gave up. It’s still raining. And I’m still wearing the skirt. Welcome to the little child randomness that is me at home.

day. week. month. year.

2006-05-02T02:18:00.000-04:00

im moving out of college this week. to an apartment down a few streets. i get to really be a grownup now. money and food and transportation and responsibilities and nobody really telling me what to do. funny. thats what people expect to find when they go to college in the first place. i'll be in anderson taking classes until june 2nd-ish then im moving to indianapolis to intern in worship and drama at church at the crossing for june and july. i may not be home until august. weird. but im strangely excited about it. its an adventure. and i never really liked meadville. in case you didnt notice.

we had our 'academy awards' for the theatre department tonight, and i was told that the adjudicators who came to moonlight and valentino had nominated me as one of two (out of the four amazing girls in that cast) to receive an irene ryan award and now i get to compete in illinois in january at a week long theatre conference with ACTF. also, someone whose theatre work i admire very much is interested in being the "partner" i need to choose to help me compete... it was an honor to me just for him to be interested. wow. interesting day.

my days are so long. not necessarily long and tiresome, just LONG. ifeel like ive lived through six months in the last two weeks. three weeks in the last three days. it's monday. saturday night the world fell apart, sunday i felt like i was dealing with a death, and now its monday. except all of that feels so long ago.

i have so much i need to do- and absolutely no motivation to do it. my best friend is leaving. for a long time if not for good. we've literally spent every day together since at least spring break, and our relational levels keep growing and changing with every 78 hour day. but she's leaving anderson for home or mission year or maybe something else. i dont know if i can say goodbye. i dont make close friends well, and i keep them even worse. this is trying everything i have in me. only a few more days. and i feel like so much has to happen in them. well, if each day continues to last upwards of 80 hours, then we should be okay.

without a shovel.

2006-05-01T09:17:00.000-04:00

i feel like there is so much going on that i cant even stop to think about it. im getting numb. no. i dont think thats it. there are just so. many. things. at once. i dont know what to do with them.

i hit bottom. whatever this 10 month hellhole ive been living in was accomplishing... it's over. no. i wish it was over. i just finally slammed into the brick wall that gives me no choice but to turn around and start trying to climb back to life. the brick wall was jesus i guess. i ve been avoiding him for long enough. i couldnt do it anymore. i had let myself forget how much sense life doesnt make when its lived without him. it hurt. it hurts. and its going to keep hurting while i rip myself out of the place ive made for myself. i hope that all my skin isnt left behind in the hole.

im in a show. i play a character a lot like myself. doesnt talk about things. doesnt want help. just wants someone to pursue her enough for her to be able to convince herself that its their fault, not hers, that things are brought up. and its all about relationships. which i know oh so much about... not. but its hitting staright home with a lot of people, so thats been really neat to be a part of theatre that really does change the soul. its what i live for.

speaking of relationships, i had three people indirectly tell me that i would be "fun to date" this week. how random is that? and what does that even mean? i probably would be fun to date because i avoid talking about anything that matters so we could have a happy-go-lucky run around barefoot dancing in the rain acting like little kids relationship with no confrontation and very little commitment. sounds like fun.... for about five minutes. thats why i dont date people- im definitely not ready. i dont know how. i dont know how to be real with people. i dont know how to have healthy relationships. but i realize all this... and im trying to save other people from it. but hey, at least it might be fun...

have you ever?

2006-04-05T19:39:00.000-04:00

i am learning. i am always learning. you dont have to... you can just live. but i choose to try my hardest to l earn from everything i see, hear, read, discuss, feel, do, dont do... but i play a small part in this. i want to learn from other people. every single body on this earth has stories and lessons and experiences and understandings unique to them. why dont we share them? we are raised to believe that for the most part people dont care about what we have to say. and sometimes they dont. but what if we did? what if we genuinely cared, not so that we could make our own heads all big that we are 'good listeners' or listen just so that we can justly expect others to listen to ourselves, but listen to learn. listen because we want to know. ask questions, not only to make the other person feel better, but really about what you want to know. being honest. and asking. isnt is often true that you can let out a deep breath even about the hardest situation if someone is willing to talk to you and actually want to learn? our lives are half wasted if we keep them all to ourselves.
i talked with an amazing girl today. she is graduating college in a few weeks, and feeling all the effects that come with it. i asked her what she wished she would have known at the end of her freshman year. that led to a wealth of information that i didnt know was in there waiting. and not because she's older than me or better than me, but because she is her. not me. she has learned things that i dont know. and now i know some of them. the things that really rang true will stay with me for a long time. and now i can share them with others. and even if only one thing rings true with each person, if they adopt it and make it a part of them, think about how many lives she will have changed. just by sharing. by not being afraid to talk. and not being afraid to admit. i could tell you things from my point of view about situations that you couldnt even imagine. and you have stories. and lessons. and experiences that i could never imagine. and maybe they will never happen to me, but i can learn from them if you share with me. so lets talk. i want to why you see life the way you do. i have never been to europe. what is it like? what did you learn from being a foreigner there? i have never had anyone close to me die. how badly does it hurt? will you be able to tell me? i have never been married. i have never been divorced. i have never graduated college. i have never had anyone cheat on me. i have never gone scuba diving. i've never broken a bone. i'm not sure if i have ever fallen in love. have you? will you explain it to people? will you share it? will you share it with me? if it's never happened to you, will you be willing to learn from people who have, and ask questions and listen because you care, not just because you feel it's the right thing to do? just wondering. because some thing always rings true.
send me stories. i am interested. lcbrenner@anderson.edu

a stream of consciousness

2006-04-03T03:22:00.000-04:00

i think of you every time i hear a train whistle blow. and i remember how much i want to mean something to you. and i remember how messed up i am that i never could. and it makes me want to change. but i dont want to change for you. i want to change for Him. why isnt He enough? why can i find motivation everywhere else? why is the only thing that matters the one thing that doesnt seem to matter at all? have i let myself fall so far that i'll never make it back to the top? ive been thinking a lot. again. i stopped there for a while. and it didnt hurt. it was nice. but there is no standing still... there is only growing and falling. and so of course in my absence of growing... i was falling. when i thought i was standing still. now im looking around, trying to find the way back up. i dont want to climb a ladder. i dont want to be lifted by a rope or in a basket. i dont want to claw my way up the slope. i just want to find what brought me down here and retrace the steps ive taken, but in the opposite direction. then i'll be able to see where ive been. and what i wasnt seeing on my way down. and the people and things i had left broken along the way. maybe i'll even be able to lift them and carry them back with me.
im still trying to do this on my own. im not used to hearing trains.

thoughts from the desert

2006-03-14T03:37:00.000-05:00

i climbed a mountain today. just a little one. people back home make fun of my love of climbing. with isaiah, it's just what you do. some of my friends see a mountain and they think 'wow thats a big mountain.' i see it and think 'i would love to climb that.' isaiah sees it and thinks 'what else is that mountain there for but for us to climb?' yeah. i love my brother. let me describe a flash of my day today:
the sun is beginning to set, but barely- just enough for the rocks and cacti to make shadows. everything is light browns- the rocks, the hills (made of rocks), the ground (made of crushed rocks), the wispy plants, even the sunlight has a shiny brown feel to it.
the paved roads wind through this desert park area. the shadow of a motorcycle flies across the ground next to the road. the shadow shows two other figures, one bent forward into the wind with the outlines of his jacket and sunglasses visible, the other leaning slightly back- one arm looped through the visor of an un-used helmet resting on her leg. looking into the shadow, the only thing that keeps moving is the hair flying straight out behind her. mountains slowly rise on either side of the valley. the valley of the sun.

it's nice to be out of pennsylvania.

oh boy. something crazy just happened. more later...

traveling.

2006-03-14T02:37:00.000-05:00

don't be afraid to fall in love.
with a person, a thing, an idea.
fall in love with something. love it out. passion it out.
and then leave before it gets shitty.
because it always does.
everything wonderful and exciting after a while gets old and doesnt mean as much anymore.
leave before it gets to that point.
that's when it hurts the most to leave, but that's when you'll keep the best memory of it.

-words from someone who means way more to me than he will ever know- one of my many (nonbiological) big brothers. i dont think i agree completely, but it's something to think about.

an update...

2006-03-04T00:47:00.000-05:00

well for anyone who actually reads this thing- i guess a little bit of an update is in store. i'm doing okay. not amazing, butnot terriby either. i am super busy (surprise) but i REALLY like most of the things i;m busy with. i got parts in the next two shows here at au- the first is the part of a 20 something chain smoker NYC chick who is terrible at relationships in a story about four women consoling one of them over the death of her husband. it's amazing- i've never really been coached in a play, and i'm learning so much. not to mention the cast is made up of three amazing other girls. the second show is a series of one acts- the one act that i'm in was written by a girl on campus and is a woman and her fiancee talking in the middle of the night. haha so i smoke in one and spend most of the second one in bed. come out and see them! oh, and because of the class i'm in, i'm building and designing other parts of shows and sets, so with all that plus the fact that i actually am employed at the theatre, i'm basically there most of the time. so if you havent seen me around lately, that's why. but i love it. i have to remind myself that there are other requirements of me... like homework and food.

also, i interviewed for and was offered a position as an RA, but i realized that with theatre next year there is no way i would be able to be in the hall enough to be there for my girls... so i didnt take the spot. i want to do it sooo bad... it tore my heart out to turn it down. but when your major is a lot of evening requirements, things like being an RA unfortunately get pushed out of the question. sad. so now i'm trying to figure out what i'm doing this summer- i'm looking into a bunch of different internships- theatre, ministry, and some au stuff. who knows. i just dont want to sit at home for three months. sorry meadville kids. i want to use my summers to try out other things to see what i want to do eventually... because i still dont really know.

im headed to phoenix for the first half of spring break (march 10- the day after my birthday- through march 15, when i'm flying back to pittsburgh (!!) and going home for the last few days) to see my brother. i LOVE him so much. like, i dont think i can explain to you how much i love that boy. he means so much to me- he is the best at being a big brother. justin is gonna maybe come up from uma to see us, and isaiah's trying to plan a motorcycle trip to see the grand canyon!!!!! he's taking a day or two off of work and school, basically it is going to be amazing, and i will be there exactly one week from right now!

anyway, those are the outside things... maybe later i'll get into some of the inside things. but i'm okay for now. okay. i love you all.

this paper i wrote...

2006-02-14T01:31:00.000-05:00

Everyone likes to assume that they know all about love. They will probably also try to publicly announce that they do not know about love, in order to receive the humility factor from an audience, but deep down they really think they have got it all figured out. Young women are no different. We expect the certain and calculated distance from those fateful three words with any man in a relationship, but that has become more of a tradition than a humble self-understanding. I have, however, taken it upon myself to write all about romantic love. Now of course, I make the statement that as a nineteen year old girl I really have no idea what I’m talking about, but deep down I probably think that it all makes perfect sense, that I am right, and that everyone should listen to me. Well, I give you free reign to make your own judgments… at the end of this writing. My exploration in life thus far on love has led me to three types of discoveries: those which have become personal values, those which I have accepted as beliefs down to the very core of my being, and simply my hopes and longings. The journey that has carried me to these ends (or means to ends considering my age) can be generalized into a very simple term: life.
Personal values hold their authority within a person simply because they do. They are ideas that make sense, are proved true, and become a part of us for reasons that we sometimes do not even understand. I hold the value that no Christian should be romantically involved with a non-Christian. This is Scriptural of course, but I have taken it as my own for reasons other than the black and white biblical text has told me so. The apostle Paul’s words on marriage instruct us either to get married or stay single depending on which will help you serve the Lord the best. Therefore, spouses are meant to help each other serve God and fulfill each other’s purpose in the body of Christ. As it is, nonbelievers miss out on their opportunity to fill the place that God has created for them and their individual gifts and passions, so in a marriage relationship there is no way that a nonbeliever could accomplish this goal. On a similar note, if a person is romantically involved with another person, Christian or otherwise, with whom they realize they cannot foresee spending a life, that relationship should cease to be a romantic one as soon as possible. I am not implying that relationships should be solely based on marriage goals, but potential is an important factor in a “more-than-friends” relationship. Sometimes romance in a relationship continues even after the certainty of marriage is overruled, often by only one person in the couple, but in those cases the people continue to grow closer and closer while it is inevitable that they are going to separate. The separation will be harder later the longer the relationship is allowed to continue. These values have come to mean so much to me because of past relationships I have been in as well as others that I have observed in others. I dated someone years ago in who was debatably a Christian, and after a few months of a not-the-healthiest relationship I came to the conclusion that it was nice for the time but I would never spend my entire life with him. In order to avoid conflict, I wanted to let the relationship go until it fizzled out on its own, however, I knew not long after that for his sake I needed to end it before we got any closer because then it would just be harder on him. Fortunately, by taking the lessons I learned from that situation as personal values, I was saved from difficult relationships in the future.
Beliefs are stronger than values. They are often based religiously or spiritually, and have a stronger background than just thinking they are right, but rather believing whether or not something exists. For example, contrary to some of the philosophers in Plato’s symposium, I do not believe in romantic soul mates. I believe God makes us a certain way to be compatible with a certain kind of other person. There is more than one person on earth that each of us could do well alongside, but there is no guarantee that we will marry one of these types of people. I also believe that love is a choice rather than an emotion alone, and these two ideas together create messy relationships and marriages. The English language’s single version of the word love makes this even more difficult, but romantic love especially is a decision. When new couples decide not to use the word love at first, I hope it is because they have not chosen to completely romantically love the other person yet. Unfortunately in the cases I have seen, the abstinence of the words “I love you” merely serves as an excuse to make some grand revelation after a few weeks or months when they seem to “discover” that they really have “fallen in love” and that it is probably the “first real time” because no one has ever made them “feel like this before.” I admit that I have used some of these excuses, but not to the extent of many others I have witnessed. And in these cases, every new “love” seems to fill the role of this illustrious and elusive soul mate. And when one does not work out, the next one to come along fills that opening. I have seen people divorce their self-declared “soul-mate,” which shows one of two things: either their soul mate was not really the soul mate for whom they had searched, or they had simply chosen to love them no longer. Both ways prove a point. I firmly believe that soul mates do not exist and that love is a conscious choice.
My hopes and longings are a culmination of all these ideas that I value and believe, and they point me in regards to romantic love toward a God who knows all things and wants the best for me. I do not believe he has preordained a magically perfect boy somewhere for me to marry, but I do believe that he knows if and who I will marry simply because he knows and sees all. If I seek after God rather than a boy, then A right one, rather than THE right one, will cross my path eventually if not already. I hope and long for someone who has similar passions as me to serve the hurting people of the world in the name of the Lord, to be willing to sacrifice and live simply, and to understand my passions for worship and helping people find their place in the body of Christ. I hope and long for this type of man someday, but not in a way that will find me sitting around waiting for him or trying out everyone along the way. I constantly need to remind myself to focus on God and the work that he has here for me to do. If I am looking at the world through God’s eyes, then I will have a better chance of seeing men through God’s eyes as well, and to be honest, there is no way that I would rather see them. You can make your judgments now.

for real- leave comments of your thoughts...

keep going.

2006-02-05T16:17:00.000-05:00

why. why are you still here with me? didnt you see what ive done?
in my shame i want to run. and hide myself. but its here i see the truth.
i dont deserve you.
but i need you to love me...
and i, i wont keep my heart from you this time.
and i'll stop this pretending that i can somehow deserve what i already have.
i need you to love me...
i, i have wasted so much time pushing you away from me.
i just never saw how you could cherish me.
'cause youre a god who has all things,
and still you want me.
and i need you to love me...
and i, iwont keep my heart from you this time.
and i'll stop this pretending that i can somehow deserve what i already have.
your love makes me forget what i have been. your love makes me see who i really am.
your love makes me forget what i have been.
and i need you to love me...
and ill stop this pretending that i can somehow deserve what i already have.
i need you to love me...

sorry if i scared you... no im not.

2006-02-03T19:36:00.000-05:00

where are you? why wont you answer me? why have i felt like im going through all of this alone? im trying to include you, but i cant find you to even ask. im angry. im angry that it has hurt for so long, and you wont even prove to me that youre here. or there. or anywhere. i know that youre somewhere waiting. well, i gave up on myself and life to try to find you today... and i couldnt. you were elusive. i was running after you (almost literally) and it felt like you were running away from me. you werent. i know that. i know that youre everywhere, all the time. my head knows that. but my heart wont believe it. apparently that's my big problem- im letting my heart take over and not using my mind. talking about things i feel, not that i know. well, try and convince yourself of something that your heart will not agree to know. just try.

Note to Self

2006-01-18T00:40:00.000-05:00

New Note to Self:
When you want so badly to see what God's will is in a situation, try getting out of the way. He really can handle it when you let go. Does the word 'surrender' sound familiar to you at all? Yeah.... I thought it would. You're trying so hard to be brave in this life, and the braver thing to do is to trust God with the big open nothingness ahead of you when you stop trying to write the story; the coward version is holding on so tightly and controllingly that you think you can predict what will happen. Would you rather take the slow and steady path drawn out so perfectly on the map, or hitch on your hang glider, take a running start and leap off the edge, feeling the air whip past your ears and watching the things of the earth shrink away below you? Well, I don't know about you, but, self, get ready to fly.

this one time i was dumb...

2006-01-12T17:26:00.000-05:00

why do we always feel like we have to tell people things? i think i might have exploded about this before- but it probably had more to do with other people than myself or it had to do with my own frustration at wanting to shout things from the rooftops to make people pay attention to me while i refused to and kept it all inside. i mean, community's important and without truth there can be no true community, but again i ask, "where's the line between telling people things to get attention and accomplish some manipulative ulterior motive and telling them to allow true community and honesty between people?" for years i've preached that if it doesnt matter, dont say it. if someone doesnt need to know, dont tell them. people cant keep their mouths shut, so if anything has anything to do with another person- it WILL get to them. i would much rather handle my own uncomfortable situations, thank you. i guess it's different with every person. or every issue. sorry that i don't have these separated very well. and some things are harder for you to handle but easier for others when you keep it in, but easier for you and harder for them when it comes out. how selfish is that?! once again, it's all about me. way to try to fit god into your little god-box again. someday i'll remember how freaking big he is for more than five seconds after i close my bible. suck.

2006-01-10T01:32:00.000-05:00

i hate this.

way too little?

2006-01-09T03:36:00.000-05:00

today i walked around campus for a while. we're back so early and hardly anyone else is here. i was walking back to my dorm and decided i wouldnt have another time like that for a while. so i walked around. and sat. and looked around. i marveled at the warm weather but shivered with every cool breeze. i thought way too little and giggled whenever i liked what i was barely thinking about. other times i wanted to sob and crumple to the cold ground until someone came to find me. i dont have a cell phone. i wasnt in my room at my computer with music on. i wasnt meeting anyone at anytime or planning to do something by a certain time. there was nothing to interrupt me. i just walked. and sat. if someone wanted to find me, they would have had to put in a lot of effort. i'm not just a phone call away. what will people do to find me if they want to? how bad do they want to find me? i guess i liked the thoughts because of the stereotypical (especially in girls) desire to be pursued... in any sense of the word. effort. thats what separates some people from others, or how they feel about them. how much effort are you putting in to know them. to find them. we all do it, and we all know it, but we play dumb when we're burned by it or when we know that we are burning other people. but no, that's not fun to think about. and come on. who thinks about things that arent fun to think about? not me. i just giggle.......................................

let me fly

2006-01-07T02:00:00.000-05:00

so i saw narnia tonight with my family. i basically cried through the whole thing. is that weird? i've just been overwhelmed with a lot lately and emotions seem to be having their way with me. the movie brought up so much. i went in knowing that the story resembles very closely that of jesus and what he did to save us stupid humans. i also knew that i was fairly emotionally unstable. all i've been wanting lately is an adventure. this movie is full of it. life and death situations, fighting for truth and being in the presence of someone (something?) so magnificent and pure and strong. knowing that your actions and decisions make a difference. and the whole sacrifice bit- so powerful when you know that it is telling the true story of a man who knew that blood had to be spilled to save the life of a traitor (me. you. them.) so he gives his own life. pain and shame and all that comes with death. seeing the enemy's face when they think they have outsmarted truth and that they have won. the look of pain on a face that knows he must be murdered before anyone will understand what he is doing. and then the glory and overwhelming joy at seeing the beauty and strength of the life that was brought back to... life. and knowing that everything will be fine, more than fine, amazing, because he's back and he loves you and you understand why he did what he did and cant believe that it was all for you, when you should have been the one who was murdered a hundred times over. and even those who the enemy thinks they have taken are brought back to life by him who has returned. i get breathless just thinking about it. is that weird? not that i really care. it was so beautiful. it painted the picture of the truth in salvation and grace and sacrifice and strength in the way that nothing else could.
and apart from all the spiritual stuff, it made me miss isaiah soooooo much. my older brother is seriously one of the most amazing people in the world. we think differently and believe differently and eat differently and relate differently, but he loves me so much. even though he doesnt believe in this life of ministry that i am working toward, he will sit and ask and listen just to try to understand because it obviously means so much to me. if i devote my entire life to something then he supports me no matter what and will be open to it. and he will fight for me. the movie is obviously a fantastical version, but in any sense of life, fantasy or otherwise, he would fight for and love me just as hard and diligently and passionately as the oldest brother in the story fights for and loves his siblings. and the caring side as well. if we had to run away from danger, he would not let me fall behind. if i was cold he would find me a coat and make sure it stayed on. if something threatened me he would put himself on the line in front of me. not many people have someone in their life who they know loves them that deeply AND are willing to give their all and really FIGHT anything for them. i love him. and i miss him.
who would have thought crying through a disney movie would have such an effect on me....

short and simple. i wish.

2006-01-06T02:45:00.000-05:00

so many things are running through my head right now. i dont know what to do with any of them. have you ever had things in your mind that you have thought through and through and forward and backward so that you feel like you're chasing yourself in circles? actually, i havent even thought these through as thoroughly as i like to think, i've just gotten nowhere with them so as far as the tiny realm of my mind has let them expand, the thoughts have resulted in circles. i could not wait to get to school this summer. i was getting out of PA and starting the next step of god's plan for my life and meeting new people and learning... but now it all feels wrong. im home and i'm barely even excited to go back to school. not because i want to stay here, but just because in neither place do i feel like im accomplishing anything at all. "well, sometimes you just have to wait in those inbetween times and live life until it becomes clear." i've used that on other people who were restless and anxious to be in the middle of the life that god has planned for them... but i had no idea what i was saying. sorry. there's a difference between waiting and living life and being patient... and wasting time doing things you know aren't getting you any closer to gods plan and arent halping anyone else either. i know the feeling now. when imthe closest to god is when i fall, because i dont realize that i'm slipping slowly out of the contact with god that i convince myself i have. my problem, with pride as i've said before, is that when i'm doing well and on the right track, i get all puffed up and assume that everything's great and nothing wrong is happening so i 'go with the flow' of what i think is gods will until all of a sudden i realize that everything's falling apart. whats up with that? oh yeah ive taken god out of gods plan and left him on the side of the road as i drove away with my life. and then i crash and burn. and he walks up beside me, lifts me out of the smoking heap and carries me away. and i know what ive done wrong. but it happens again and again. so is that what's happening right now? am i running on my own steam (which will quickly run out)? or is this really his plan and i just need to be patient and trust? am i supposed to stay at school- at least until this summer when i can get out and away and see how things happen outside of the lab experiment? am i supposed to wait on someone and assume that if god wants it later, it will, and watch them slip away or do i step in? where is the line between taking risks for the god of the angel armies and taking the reins of my own life, leaving god behind? thoughts? i know where to look, but once again, what happens when your usual solutions DO NOT SEEM TO WORK. at a loss. working on it. time's running out. watch me take the risk.

and once again... this is all about me. i guess i failed at that today. if i could care for people half as much as i wanted to....

see saw

2005-12-13T01:42:00.000-05:00

so this whole studying thing is throwing me for a loop. i think it's because i've done so much of it over the last two weeks. i kinda almost passed out last friday after running a mile and a half and getting almost no sleep for two weeks... my RA found me laying on the floor in my room because i just didnt think i could stand up anymore. well, anyone who knows me from high school probably isnt too surprised by that. i guess i havent changed as much as i had wanted to.

i dont know if im going to stay here. anderson. college. i mean, i love it so much and i love the people here and i cant imagine giving up all the amazing friends ive made so far, but i feel like im just going backwards. i planned on coming here and defining my mission(what god created me to do) and getting super strong with my faith and meeting new people and showing them the real me, the new me, the me that i was getting ready to try out in the "real world". and i was going to learn so much about god (i'm a freaking bible major- along with the theatre) and hit the ground running at the end of four years and go change the world, one life at a time.... but here i am, spending way too much time in my room 'studying' (which- dont get me wrong- is what i am paying to come here to do), spending my money on coffee and meals out and cheap clothes i dont need, worrying about what others think of me, getting caught up in the social scene that i worked four years to remove myself from, convincing myself i'm too busy to even sit down and read the word of god, thinking im better than other people,trying to figure out my own problems.... the list goes on. do any of the second things match up with the first? NO. it's so frustrating to sit here and watch myself creep farther and farther away from what i'm passionate about doing- getting out there and telling people the TRUTH about this God that they know nothing about and using drama and music to do it. college is great- i would always get up and spout about how college is right for some people and not others, to justify the people that went straight into working or a trade... i just knew that i was one of those for whom college was right. of course. i got the grades in high school. i have the motivation to go out and do it. but who cares if its not what god created you for? you can get 'better' jobs if you go to college... well i'm pretty much going to be poor the rest of my l ife anyway so what does it matter?

blah. i dont know what im talking about. im worrying. because im not letting myself believe that god will guide me IF I LISTEN. and im not listening. im doing things my own way and then getting angry when he isnt coming through for me. way to be. i need to get out of this atmosphere where everything ELSE matters more than the only things that really matter. nothing against AU... just me. ive put layers and walls up while i thought i was breaking them down. sorry if ive been lying to you lately. i probably have.

please dont think i got this all from you. all this was in my mind long before we talked about it.

if only...

2005-11-20T04:35:00.000-05:00

i dont know how much i have to say today. or how much i can say. i hate keeping things from people, but i seem to be freaking good at it. we'll see what happens when i don't sit down with anything specific to say...

i get to go home in three days. that seems so soon but it feels like forever just because of all the things i have to do before then. this whole riding home thing is getting confusing- we have ten people to get from anderson to meadville, and three cars. i'm not in charge of any of it though, i'll just give gas money to whoever is driving the vehicle i'm in... it will be really nice to be back- get out of the college life for a little while.

...i hate letting any thing other than christ or even myself dictate what i do. i'm letting something else make all the little decisions in life. the big ones are affected by something completely different, but the little ones all seem to depend on this one thing, no matter how far i try to push it from my mind and get down to the bottom of me, the rawest part, where i can't hide from myself. the inescapable truths that are there, but that i've smothered in spending so long watching and trying to mimic others and push down the parts of me that i didnt think fit this perfect emotional/physical/spiritual mold i've created in my mind. who is that girl in my mind? she's not me, she's not even possible. she is a conglomeration of all the things that i admire in other people and that i feel i should/could be myself if only... if only... she doesn't exist. she can't exist. god didn't create her. he created me... here ya go world! leah. bam. like it or leave it i guess. i know that i'm not done. my work has barely begun, and god most certainly isn't finished with me yet. and he/i wont be done until it's time for me to go. so yeah, i guess it's fine for me to have a mold in my mind- something i'm working to become. i guess it just needs to be a molding mold. constantly changing... as i change and allow god to change me. god doesnt try to fit me into a box, so why should i do that to him? or to myself. he wants me to fly. and he will be there the whole time. hmmm, so this sounds all fine and dandy... someone told me recently that i work out a lot of my own questions by talking (or writing) about them... processing them in solid word form... but i'm still left knowing that i understand all of this about myself and i know that i should fix it... but i'll get up tomorrow morning and start subconsciously answering the simple questions of the day with my cute little bias. to satisfy that cute little unsatisfyable part of myself. ugh. i'm getting there...it just seems like whenever i manage to get both feet on the train for five seconds, i get knocked off the track again and i didnt even see it coming. god- help me to be constant. and aware. and ready to see it coming.

third world faith

2005-11-08T04:40:00.000-05:00

hmmm. i dont know what my deal is. but i think i've become... complacent maybe? i feel like i'm not accomplishing anything. college makes me really selfish. i'm all concerned with what MY schedule is like and when I'M going to eat and what classes I need to take and when and who I want to hang out with and when I need to be alone and the homework that I need to do and what MY problems are and how i expect others to deal with them. ugh. it makes me sick, because i feel like it's just expected. life is a movie about me right? i seem to be the star of every single scene that i've ever watched... but even with that in mind, my movie needs to be about god through me. i've grown so blah because it's a christian campus here... not everyone is a christian but everyone is expected/assumed to be. why make a big deal about your faith or try to evangelize to a bunch of christians? yeah right. kids here need jesus as much as anyone else, they just are often more stubborn against hearing it because they've heard it all before. so here i am not feeling like there's a need to be met, not feeling challenged or persecuted or like there's anything to fight... and who wants to sit around and not be fighting for something? so of course satan takes that and whispers 'yup, theres nothing for you to do here because nobody wants to hear it anyway. you have four years until you need to be responsible for your faith again so why dont you just chill? you're at a christian school, why do you need to work so hard to keep up being a christian- it's assumed whether you actually do it or not...' and so here i am struggling with things that i've never needed to struggle with before and getting so caught up in myself and sitting around and not doing anything of value. i need to be somewhere that forces me to put all my trust in god. that doesn't give me any other choice. it's like exercising- who keeps up an exercise program on their own if they are only holding themselves accountable? but if they are on a team that practices every day then they have no choice but to run their brains out and work muscles until they scream with pain. it is hard and grueling at the time but at the end of the day they know that they accomplished something that day and that they will be different tomorrow because of it. i need that type of situation with god. something that forces me to put into use what i know to be true but cant bring myself to do on my own. another dumb analogy-- allergies are a first world disease. people in third world countries dont have allergies because their bodies are too busy trying to stay alive. first world bodies really have nothing better to do and so develop health issues with random things... my faith has become like a body with allergies, dealing with things that dont really matter and spending way too much money on allergy medication just so that i can have relief because god forbid i should be uncomfortable. i need a third world faith, that strips down to the bare minimum, the basics of christ and his love for me and my love (however seemingly shallow right now) for him, and forces me to strive just for my faith to survive... because then at the end of the day when i have followed christ through the storms and droughts and i know that i am still not too far behind him, i can sit back and say, yeah, i accomplished something today. and i'm gonna be stronger tomorrow because of it. i want to remember how it feels to be desperate for christ and the relief of finding him when you expected to find nothing to hold onto. because those are the stories that i can really tell people. and they will understand the desperation and see a difference in me and want to know more about this mysterious jesus character. and that's life. ugh- i just want to go. go and make disciples. take up my cross and follow him, not make him wait four years until I'M ready to go out into the world with his message...

where do you turn when...?

2005-11-03T00:35:00.000-05:00

SEEK. It’s what the bible tells us to do. Seek with all your heart. Seek and you will find. I think we focus too often on the “all your heart” and “you will find” parts. What about the seeking? What does it mean? How do we do it? What are we seeking for? I have been struggling with faith issues since the beginning of july… but they’re not just issues of growing through new territory in my faith. No, I was stronger before this summer than I had ever been. Ever. But then I was knocked off the track. So now, it’s not a matter of continuing to grow from where I was, but rather starting over. Starting at the beginning again. The basics. For instance, god loves me. He LOVES me. With a capacity of love that I cannot even begin to fathom. And nothing I can do or someone else can do to me or how far off the track I fall can change any aspect of this love. I’m beginning to learn that again. But in the past, anytime I struggled with something I knew that I could turn to god with my generic formula and everything would be just fine: read the bible and pray. No matter what was going on. That fixes things. Anyone can tell you. Problem? Stress? Anger? Insecurity? Read and pray. But not now, and I think that’s what scares me the most. I tried my typical formula, and nothing happened. It still hurt. A lot. And I still couldn’t stop thinking about it. And I still had trouble believing that god knew what he was doing. And that scared me- what do you do when your time-honored solution doesn’t work? When your spiritual medicine gives your pain no relief? I had nowhere else to turn when my same old same old reading and praying didn’t work. I guess that’s where seeking comes in. We are told over and over in the bible to seek BLAH BLAH BLAH. Seek and BLAH BLAH BLAH. And so we write sermons and have debates and encourage each other with the promises and warm fuzzy parts that precede and follow the seek part. But what we need to hear when we have nowhere else to turn is SEEK. God is there. That’s the promise. But he doesn’t promise to always make us feel warm and fuzzy and to find US and pick us up out of our problems. We need to seek him. With all our heart. With all our heart: SEEK. Not just by reading and praying but by taking those things to the next level and making it the primary motivation and goal of your life to seek god. In thoughts by yourself, in relations with others, in any type of work and school, in reading, in eating, in thinking… seek god. Let your life overflow with his influence. Then how can the problems remain stagnant? They have no choice but to change and mold when the creator of the universe is allowed free reign in your life.
Don’t think this means I have it all together. Don’t think my problems are magically gone. This is new for me. And it’s hard. But after four months of panicked frustration over not being able to find god and fix things the way I always had… it’s a start. And in the midst of it I still need to stop and remember that god loves me. And let him love me. And know that he is there, and no matter how far off the track I am pulled, he is still there. Waiting to be found when I seek him. With all my heart… seeking.

hidden

2005-10-31T01:42:00.000-05:00

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how do you find the truth behind the lies?

when other people write the words you can't say

2005-10-30T04:35:00.000-05:00

i am the only one to blame for this. somehow it all ends up the same. soaring on the wings of selfish pride i flew too high and like icharus i collide with a world i try so hard to leave behind. to rid myself of all but love, to give and die. to turn away and not become another nail to pirece the skin of one who loved more deeply than the ocean, more abundant than the tears, of a world embracing every heartache. can i be the one to sacrifice? or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow? to love you... take my world apart. to need you... i am on my knees. to love you... take my world apart. to need you... broken on my knees.
all said and done i stand alone. not much remains of a life i should not own. it takes all i am to believe in the mercy that covers me. did you really have to die for me? all i am, for all you are, for what i need and what i believe are worlds apart. and i pray to love you... take my world apart. to need you... i am on my knees. to love you... take my world apart. to nee d you... broken on my knees.
i look beyond the empty cross, forgetting what my life has cost. wipe away the crimson stain and all nails that still remain. more and more i need you now. i owe you more each passing hour. the battle between grace and pain, i gave up not so long ago. so steal my heart and take the pain. wash the feet and cleanse my pride. take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things i cannot hide . take the beauty, take the tears. sin in so far make it yours. take my world, all of it. take it now, take it now. serve the ones that i despise. take the words i cant deny. watch the world i used to know crumble down and fall away. take my world apart. and i pray... take my world apart... worlds apart.

-j.o.c.

MAKE me lie down in green pastures

2005-10-29T05:21:00.000-05:00

so i had planned to write a sort of "rebound" from the last one to convince myself and anyone else that i am doing much better. i dont know how much i'll stick to that but oh well. last weekend sucked. i was by myself a lot and not really in a good position for that, and i guess kinda focused too heavily and too far in advance on things that i didnt need to. but then monday night cleaned a lot of it up. we had the "labyrinth" here at school for spiritual emphasis week, and the actual setup was kinda corny but the idea was powerful and surpassed any misgivings i had walking in. it's a circular, maze-like pathway to walk, except that there is only one choice of paths to follow. walking in to the center is a "shedding" time where you just dump off to jesus all the junk that you're carrying around. then the center is a place to sit and have reflection and "illumination" from christ and just talk to him and let him talk to you. or just be and let him be. then the walk out is a time for "union" when you acknowledge what you have you have just done and process how to heal and stay strong. i went just for the heck of it, a good time with my maker who knows what i'm struggling with and loves me so much, and i walked away with a lightness of heart that i havent experienced for months. basically for me, the walk in centered on fear. the middle time consisted of kind of a running narrative in my head of us as sheep, dumb sheep, in life just here to do our thing while god as the true shepherd guides us along in the way that he knows is the best way... and just like a shepherd has to MAKE his sheep drink clean water and lay and rest in green pastures, god often makes us do what is best if we are open to his guidance. even if this makes no sense, it helped me to clearly see a situation, and what to do with it from the rut that i had fallen into. i had a solid picture of HOPE. HOPE in the midst of an area that i haven't felt anything but fear and pain and pure sickness to the stomach about for months. it was powerful. it allowed me to stand up taller. it allowed me to see things more clearly. and it allowed me to know that even when the sheep do really stupid things, god knows we're sheep and pulls us out of the thorny bushes without punishing us, knowing that the rips the thorns tore in our flesh are punishment enough, and leads us back to the stream and MAKES us lie down and drink. and rest. and he comforts us and makes sure we remember that he was always there, is there now, and always will be there... yeah. that's the god i serve.

hide and go seek

2005-10-24T18:31:00.000-05:00

hmmmm. crazy. here i am again. i was thinking about blogs the other day... they're like journals, obviously, and deep down i think everyone wants their journal to be read. even the most secret part of it... by someone who they dont know or even someone that they do, so that someone else will know the deep needs of their heart and hold them while they cry or just say, "you're a special person... different than everyone else" (in a good way). and so plenty of people pour their emotional stuff into a blog, which i think is fine dont get me wrong, but then when something happens and i think "hmm i should write about that online" i have to ask myself why... am i trying to get attention from people? or worse, pity? i love reading blogs to find out what people are up to and how they feel about certain things... but i guess with my own life i feel like my deep down stuff doesnt belong on the world wide web. of course this is coming from someone with chronic trust issues and a first-class "stuffer." i guess my theory has always been that if someone doesn't need to know... don't tell them. sounds simple huh? yeah well you know that it's not. but if you say something to someone, anything from being attracted to someone or being annoyed or that you laughed so hard one time you peed your pants... someone else is going to know. it might be that person's boy/girl friend or best friend or mother who would never say anything and really isn't a part of it to matter whether they know or not... but regardless, another person knows. we just cant hold things inside as humans. for whatever reason, god made us that way (i think). now that's probably all of my cynical anti-trust crap coming out... but it's proved true time after time after time so now i just dont tell people things. and lots of times, i dont listen to others because i dont want to run the risk of saying something of theirs to someone else. yeah. that got me through high school. with basically no close friends. good job, leah. hold that thought.

so i started going to a new church... first time since 8th grade when i started going to first church back home. i've "tried" a couple churches out here but i hate looking. i hate that they jokingly have a label for it here: church shopping. who am i to enter a church and pass my struggling eighteen and a half year old judgment on it. and besides, you end up criticizing every inch of the service to see whether or not it's "right" for you. ugh. suck. i just want to go to my church back home... but, oh yeah, no i dont. i forgot. well to jump ahead i started going to the mercy house, trying not to "try it out" but just to go and tell god that i love him and let him remind me that he loves me more. it's definitely a very genuine place which is more than i can say for the other churches i "checked out." ugh. but yeah- so yesterday matt connor talked about truth. wherever truth is not, there is death. spiritual, emotional, relational (or physical in peter's community...). true, genuine, and christlike community cant be built by people who cant be truthful. so where do you draw the line between telling people the truth about something (not opposed to lying but rather opposed to saying anything at all when maybe you dont need to) for the sake of telling truth, and telling them for the sake of looking for attention and pity. i hate complainers... but i long to do it just about every minute of the day. i neverknow what to say to people who confide in me because i dont want to say something just for the sake of making an awkward silence less awkward, and i usually am just thinking about what they said, not what to say in response... i dont know yet. at the same time i dont want people to necessarily say anything to me if i confide in them (which i usually dont do) but i just want to get it out. ugh. but, i dont. because i dont want people to know whats wrong with me, or what i struggle with. i just want to complain. and have someone tell me that i'm not like every other whiny eighteen year old girl in the world. hmm. well... i'm not. not like all of them. like an unfortunate few, but not all. bummer. poor us. so anyway i hope you are thoroughly annoyed by my negativity and vagueness. it's working, i guess. that just has to do with something that, well, i cant tell you. back to truth. what if the truth that isn't told cant be told? then what? how do you build community then? or if some people know the truth and are helping you through it... what do you do with the rest of the people? you're living a lie but there's nothing you can do about it. suck. sorry- i guess i'm a little bitter. but god loves me. and he knows. and he is holding me tighter than i could ever imagine. i know it, i just have to let myself feel it.

there. i'm sick of living a lie. i guess i still am, but now you know that i am. maybe that takes care of part of it. ..

here i am-- an update

2005-09-03T03:26:00.000-05:00

so i'm at college now. and i love it. a lot. we started classes on monday and they are great so far- still in the beginning stages but things'll crack down here pretty soon. i made it into women's ensemble and i have to change my sechedule around a little bit to put that in but i can't go a year without singing. speaking of which- i'm already in a musical! they have a fall musical every year, and auditions are in the spring of the previous year but i guess they needed a few extra townspeople/dancers so they had some last minute auditions last friday (the day after i moved in) and a bunch of us went! there was no time wasted in getting involved haha. well needless to say i made it! we have rehearsal pretty much all this week and us newbies are just kind of jumping in where the rest of the cast is. this week we've been working on the shipoopi number (cake walk and grapevine and everything) and it was soooo much fun. i'm a "teen" in the show which basically means i get to dance but don't get to run around stage with the "ladies." i'd rather dance. there are only four guy teens, and like 8 or 9 girls, but i get to dance with a guy which is sooo much fun because he actually knows how to dance! we don't have those in meadville. the show opens i think sept 30 and runs for two weekends- i think my parents are going to try to come out for it. my dad couldn't come out here to move me in so he really wants to come...plus i guess they miss me a lot... haha they're acting like little kids about it but isaiah had to leave sooner than he thought so we kinda pulled the rug out from under them. oh well now they have 2 fourteen year old boys haha. my roommate is absolutely wonderful- we spend so much time together but manage not to get sick of eathother (yet haha). but we're totally open about stuff so if we just need time then it's cool. she's from st. louis, and actually dated my best friends cousin as awkward as that seems. we have a blast. and it's great because there are always things going on here, and the people are awesome. the atmosphere here really sold it to me. it's so great not to have to worry about so much of the crap that is regular everyday stuff at other colleges...no drunk people in the halls, boys only in dorms at specified times so we know when we need to be aware of them, and most of the people here are christians and happy to be here and ready to do what god wants them to. i seriously love it. like, just knowing that my professors are all christian and i don't have to worry about discussing spiritual stuff with them because they 'could get in trouble' (aka high school).
there are a couple things i'm struggling with...there always are- with everyone or else you're not growing... but something that's kind of tugging at my heart is making sure i'm supposed to be studying theatre/bible instead of music (voice). i love music, especially singing and it's hard to see other people here studying music and voice and learning things that i would give anything to learn.... i guess i just want to have classes in voice, theatre and bible all day long. unfortunately those majors don't fit together too well at universities round here, so i'm just hanging in there and waiting to see what god has for me. i did get into a 'voice for actors' class whichwas kind of an answer to panicked prayer, but i'm still not entirely clear.
i now not only have brittany (my best friend from home) but also my roommate ashley, and my twin, heather. haha i found her-- she's been waiting in indiana all my life! we found eachother on facebook and basically realized we are the same person. she's a theatre major as well so we have lots of opportunities to spend time together. when we're talking, i just stopped telling her when she described herlsef but sounded exactly like she was describing me, because it got to be ridiculous. everything. trust me. kinda crazy. but i really feel like i'm making friends for life here. friends who will definitely last because they understand the way i live my life and feel similarly and passionately about the things that i do. finally, i'm here.

wow...

2005-08-25T02:38:00.000-05:00

okay so i realize it's been over six months since i wrote a blog- can you tell how much i LOVE my computer at home?? but now i have a laptop and a college to plug it into so here we go i guess. i seriously have no idea if anyone ever read this in the first place, like everyone always says in their online journal things...but maybe i'll just give people the url and keep them updated about college. eh- i'm sure i'll end up rambling about stuff that means the world to me and nobody else really cares about so they'd probably get bored. oh well.
i was skimming over some of my old entries and just kind of laughing. usually looking back over a period of time you can actually see growth or change...and i feel like yeah sure in the last six months i've changed a lot, but i think i've changed evenmore in the last two months, in the last two weeks. life can be totally crazy. i seriously don't know how people get through it without a god that loves them so much that when they can not turn to a singe soul they can cry out to him and know that he already knows and loves them anyway, and will sit and listen as they get it all off their chest, and will stick right with them every moment of every day until they are completely healed...and even forever after. ugh. how do people do it?
so i'm moving into college tomorrow. i'm sitting on a hotel room floor in anderson indiana typing on my computer by the light coming from the bathroom- classy, i know. my mum and her sister are sleeping in the beds and i don't want to disurb them. i'm nice like that. haha yeah. for any of you who don't know and are actually reading this: i'm going to anderson university (in indiana, obviously) and planning to study theatre and bible. i figured if i'm going to spend that much money on an education, why not go for what i love so that even if i'm poor- i'll be somewhat happy. besides- a message from god saying 'tell the world about me' and a love for theatre and some awesome experiences (not to mention financial bonuses) from AU will put you right about where i am. a hotel floor haha. no- i'm really excited. it's something different than meadville pennsylvania (which, believe me, doesn't say much). besides, some pretty crazy stuff was going on before i left, and it's nice to be able to leave it all behind. it might still be there when i get back- but it's being worked through while i'm gone. god knows what's going on- he never wastes a hurt. superchic(k) says it best: beauty from pain. buy the cd. it's amazing. yeah- lots of things have changed for me and in me lately...someday i'll bore you with all of those details. for now i'm going to go put my pajamas on and get my last night's sleep before i offiicially become a college student.
whoever may possibly be reading this- i love you.

-me

i love you all

2005-02-14T16:59:00.000-05:00

so i asked this kid to go prom with me today. it was fun. out of the blue...he thought i was joking. it was really funny. but then he said yes so now i have a really fun person to go to prom with. and he's from my school, which will be kind of a new thing and it will be completely casual and fun. i love people who you can just hang out and goof around with. plus he's a genius. gotta love the smart goofy boys. prom isn't until may, but i didn't want to have to worry about it later. so i decided to ask him in french class. yay it will be fun. plus it's valentine's day and i miss all my children of eden valentine people from last year so i wanted something fun that i could look back on for valentine's day 2005. girls group tonight will be fun- nothing like a bunch of christian girls doing an out of eden study on valentine's day! woo-hoo watch out boys!
my parents and i are headed out to anderson again this weekend. scholars weekend, which means we get lots of free (kind of) stuff and we get to see the opera which i am sooo pumped about. i love going out there so much and this will definitely be my fourth time since july. boo-yah. so if you're at anderson- find me this weekend and say hello : ).
wow my eyes are wigging out lately....they just feel tired all the time even if i actually got more than five hours of sleep. ugh. maybe i'll go take a nap. haha but my mum's all about valentine's day so she's making chicken parmesan (my request) and she made a cake and my dad supposedly got me something (he does every year...i wonder if he still will when i get married haha) and she rented a movie which i probably won't watch (saw it with the group this weekend)...yay i love my family.
lata lata and HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY-- i love you all! (for real...)

don't wait for "somebody else"...they're waiting for you

2005-02-13T00:44:00.000-05:00

so...what a crazy day. awesome, but crazy. and kinda weird. i woke up at 7:30 to get ready for auditions at 10:00- i wanted to be semi-warmed up (or just awake) by the time auditions started. they didn't take nearly as long as i thought they might, and i regretted having never taken a tap class in my life. oh well, we'll find out about the shows soon enough, and if i don't get cast/hired, i can go to jamaica and creation and the outer banks and possibly take the full time babysitting job i was offered (which would pay more than the theatre company...). i win either way- it's in god's hands. then i danced with this amazing little girl in the big service tonight. it's so wonderful to do what you were born doing and bring glory to christ with it. i can't even explain the feeling...just go try it. figure out what you love to do, way deep down, what you were made for, and say "god, this one's for you" and mean it. after we danced i ran across the parking lot to the youth building and led worship....it was one of those times where i'm like "god i can't do this on my own- anything i would say would be completely worthless...speak through me." so i was praying and was all fired up anyway from being able to dance and sing for jesus in the same day, and i mentioned some things out of the blue that ended up completely having to do with cliff's message that he gave. it was so cool. all i can say is: god is awesome.
...however, high school is not. this was the not-so-amazing and enjoyable part of the day. for the youth service we watched this video about teens always trying to fit in and the way the world looks at us and the way god wants us to be with others. they had some interviews with some kids, and one of the boys was kinda chubby and they had a clip of him like dropping his lunch box in the cafeteria and he was telling the interviewer that he just never felt like he fit in anywhere and no one liked him or would talk to him....and he didn't really know why. some of the boys were chuckling at him and being like "cuz he's fat" and stuff...oh my gosh i could have freaked out. i just sat there and cried...call me emotional or sentimantal or whatever- but there are so many hurting people that gather in buildings every day from 8 to 3 with hundreds of people who ridicule them, but deep down feel the same way about themselves, and it makes me sick- because no one tries to change it! how many teens are in the U.S. now? millions. hundreds of millions. and how many of us are christians? probably a bigger number than most would think- we're so good at hiding it. "you're the best kept secret in my generation...and i've found you out." let's start a revolution! just CARE about people. go talk to people who are alone. how can we call ourselves followers of jesus christ if we don't do what he tells us or try to act like him...aka loving people despite how "comfortable" we feel while we're doing it. who says serving christ is comfortable? do you think we can affect people and tell them about the amazing freedom and love of having a personal relationship with the creator of the universe by sitting back and thinking "they'll get it on their own...somebody else will tell them....someone else will pick up their books...somebody else will go talk to that boy sitting alone at lunch...someone else will be friends with that pregnant girl...somebody else will make them feel wlecome at youth group..." who will? all the "somebody elses" are thinking the same thing! GET UP, and DO IT. step out. jesus did- and look at all the amazing things that happened. people were getting saved by the thousands every day. and someday we'll get to see those people in heaven. wouldn't you like to know that that overweight lonely boy in your homeroom will spend eternity knowing he's loved by jesus rather than sitting in hell with satan because no one here did what god was screaming in our ears, and thought he was important enough to be told about christ. even if it won't be fun...or easy...or people will think you're weird...or you will lose the 'popularity' you've been working so hard to get. or...i'll do it later. i'll talk to them next week, when i'm not so busy. when i'm not so tired. when i don't have so much homework. when there aren't so many people around. guess what- you don't have all the time in the world. how would you feel if that boy or girl was in a car accident on the way home from school that day? you missed your chance. and so did so many other people....who waited for "someone else" to do it. that's why we're still here. jesus could come back for us right now...but he LOVES us all! he doesn't want to leave anyone behind, but since he gave us freewill, it's up to us to accept him. and the world is so screwed up now that it's so hard to find the truth, so he's given us the job of bringing the people to him through their own freewill- he won't make us. or them. but he knows how hopeless it seems right now, so he's giving us more time to tell more people about him. and what are we doing with our time? worrying about homework? worrying about having enough money to buy the clothes we want to wear? getting all worked up about what so and so thinks of us? giving ourselves pity parties for our own little problems? and i'm not accusing....i'm listing some of my own faults. but something tells me that i'm not the only one struggling with this...because the world isn't exactly getting any better. especially young people. and not because we're horrible people, but just because, saved or not, we're lied to every single day about what matters and how we should spend our time and about faith. get past the lies. don't listen to a world that tells you that you should do whatever feels right for you and you should focus on all of your own problems and expect everyone else to do the same....has it worked so far? swim against the current, find some people who can help you keep swimming, and start caring about OTHER PEOPLE. work hard now, so that we can all celebrate together FOREVER in heaven, in the presence of the god who loves us more than we can ever know, and living perfect worry-free lives. we don't deserve that any more than anyone else. so why are we keeping it a secret?

learning...learning...learned.....learning...learning...

2005-02-07T20:31:00.000-05:00

so i've learned a lot. i always seem to, but it's not me- it's totally god. as mr. ferraro says, "life is a series of problems. you're either just recovering from one, in the midst of one, or headed toward the next one." but as disheartening as that sounds, it's a reason for hope. life is like that for everyone, but those who have come to know christ as our best friend and the one who saves us don't have to worry about problems. i'm not saying problems won't happen- believe me they will- but they shouldn't make us worry. god is right at our side and tells us that he is working everything out for our good (if we love him). if that isn't uplifting, i don't know what is. and so if we're guaranteed to spend life going from one problem to another, we may as well learn from them and take something with us to help us handle the next, or help others as they go through something too. i feel like i could sit here forever and reflect on all the stuff that's been happening (good and bad) and that god would show me even more just by my writing it down. he just keeps reminding me how awesome he is, and that he wants me to share it all with him. wow. so anyway...

i got my scholarship. i've been praying nonstop for the last like three weeks just that everyone involved would look to god in deciding on these scholarships, and from there, if i was supposed to get one, that i would. and i did- 11 grand a year for four years. "god can do so much more than we could ever imagine or dream of..." and i got a tiny part in the high school musical...that was an interesting experience. but hey- back to prayer- i had been praying for god to help me with my problems with selfishness and pride...so he did. it's kind of hard to be selfish when you're watching other people rehearse the parts you would have liked...but it teaches you a thing or two about humility, andultimately it'll work out quite nicely. because then, god likes to say "come on- i love you so much, did you think i was finished?" this summerstock opportunity opens up at one of our community theatres (summer stock is basically a lot of theatre in a short amount of time), and it's with a professional company which means PAID POSITIONS! that's basically unheard of in pennsylvania unless you're in pittsburgh or philly. i would pretty much sing and dance my heart out for a month- performing a different show every week (8 showings a week from wed to sunday) and meanwhile be rehearsing for the next one. we will also be traveling to the other two theaters that are involved (one in the pocono's--i could take pictures and send them to dewey!!!-- and one outside of philly). housing is provided, all we would pay for is our food, and the salary for an ensemble member is $200-$250 a week. i would be the happiest person on the face of the earth. i just have to make sure that i would be back in time to go to anderson in august. i don't have all the details yet, but it would be amazing. auditions are this saturday (the 12th) so maybe you could holla up to jesus about that one for me- if it's his will, aww dude it would be unbelievable.
on a more serious note- i've given up something that was dragging me down. not going to go into detail, but there was something that i was trying to see through god's eyes, but was really seeing god through the eyes of how i wanted it to happen. and that doesn't work....and it was taking its toll. one of those times when you think you're right on track...but it still hurts so much! so you realize that you were totally missing the point because you thought you had it all under control....but that's just it- YOU thought YOU had it under control, when god's saying, "i love you and know what's best for you- let me show you how to do this and you will have a peace about it." so i did. and he did. i shed a few tears and told him i was serious this time- that i was done with letting it hold me back from all that god has waiting for me in this life. and even just driving home after the awesome service on sunday (in the glorious weather- i had my window down and my music blaring) i felt so free whenever i thought of the things that even that morning had made me feel like i would never find a way out. god is awesome. and i don't deserve the things he does for me because i've messed up so many times, and i know i'll mess up so many more times, but that's what the word GRACE is all about. he loves us more than our human minds can perceive....so much that if we mess up, he's waiting for us to say "god i did it again, i'm sorry..." and run to his open arms. yeah...that's the kind of god i serve.

been a while

2005-01-26T02:44:00.000-05:00

wow so about the last few weeks being absolutely insane. i feel like i've been living in a whirlwind. and not a fun one. almost every night in the last two weeks i kept a record of no more than 5 hours of sleep (average of about 2-3) a night...that was fun. it was my own fault- doing make up work for the end of the semester that i had just never done. and in six classes there were assignments i just didn't turn in- it would be like 4 am and i would just give up. so sue me. i'm going to school for theatre and god has led me to a school already. i guess i can give ortake a paper here and there. it's what isaiah's been telling me for years but who takes advice from him?

this past weekend was a four day one due to semester change and teacher inservice....i was so ready to just relax and see my friends (whom i have not seen for like three weeks) and hang out with other people and start reading my english book early so i wouldn't have to ruch around anymore....yeah, then my mum's uncle had a heart attack thursday morning and passed away so we left for pittsburgh friday night and didn't come back until this morning. it was so sad. he was a really strong christian and all so it's lovely to think of him up there chillin' with jesus, but his wife is absolutely heartbroken. so if you read this, send up a little prayer or two (her name's ruth). the viewings and funeral were okaythough- lots of happy memories being passed around. and it was so lovely seeing all of the family that we only see at christmas and the reunion in august (at a park-- we have a big family). but needless to say i didn't do any of my homework other than what i managed to get done friday afternoon before we left. we got home this morning and i had this strange inclination to go to school for the second half of the day. our blood drive is tomorrow and i'm kind of in charge of it but i had typed up a 2 page instruction sheet for today for my 'second in command' or whatever in case i wouldn't be in school today. plus i had rehearsal after school and i didn't want to miss a.p. english. yeah- going to school today= worst decision in the world. all i accomplished was to get a bunch more work that i will not do tonight because i still have to do the work from the weekend when i was at the funeral, went to a rehearsal and learned a song i already knew, took the wrong way home from cambridge (somehow) and got home with only enough time to eat dinner and start outlining a paper before i had to get ready for dance...and here i am with absolutely nothing to show for today. i could have stayed home and taken a nap, done homework, got caught up, and gone in tomorrow and gotten the new work load with an extra day to turn it in. no more of that. if god gives me a free day to catch up- i'm taking it. well, like i said- blood drive tomorrow so i won't be in any classes, but teachers have this weird preconceived notion that i'm organized or responsible or something so they'll probably expect some work from me anyway. i'll just finish this paper on evolution (yay...) and take it with me. ugh- i have to get up at 5:30 tomorrow....but hey i get a free breakfast at family ties (if i'm allowed to drive- more freezing rain supposedly) so that will be lovely. i'm starting to get what my mum came down with this morning on the way home from pitt so i'll just try not to breathe on any of the sanitary stuff at the blood drive tomorrow.

wow this all sounds so depressing- i'm actually in a fairly good mood because this will be a semi-easy week and jesus loves me a whole lot. and our band's playing at lyona this friday and i might finally get to go see a movie with my friend in erie. and i spent a lot of time making relationships with family this weekend and that meant a lot. now all i have to work on is my little brother. i seriously try....ugh. the devil still thinks he has a hold on me. well- i've read the book and believe me- we come out on top.

don't feed the plants!

2005-01-14T02:23:00.000-05:00

hey anderson kiddies- i'll be there on saturday (scholarship interview)- it would be lovely to see you! i have the evening to just hang out and i miss you all!

so break was kinda crazy....i did just about no homework but then stayed up insanely late the night before school started getting caught up- which just led into two weeks of not sleeping at all and trying to get work done. it's what i should be doing right now- there's constantly about four things i should be doing, but I've had between 1 and a half and 5 hours of sleep every night this week due to homework and i just want to finish this, read the bio lab and english short stories and then go to bed. haha okay never mind i guess the lazy thing doesn't work anyway. i seriously need to get more sleep though.
auditions for penncrest musical were yesterday. that always makes things interesting. it's fun being a senior for music related things at school because everybody kinda looks up to you. the directors had me go first- don't know if that was planned or not. i knew the part by heart because i'm a nerd and know the whole show already but then some of the girls got all freaked out and thought we weren't allowed to use music. nervous girls at an audition always make an interesting group. anyway- they went well and i think i have a fairly good chance at audrey or one of the doo-wop girls... theater's one of those things that i have the most trouble giving to god. i had theater before i had god (even though he had me), but it's not a habit i'm trying to get rid of or anything...i'm going to use it for the rest of my life and i've decided to let him use it for his work--and it's very exciting but it's a daily struggle. especially for something like a high school show where i would love to have a certain part and worry that maybe i'll get cast as someone else or that things won't work out for whatever reason. but that doesn't matter. half the kids who'll be in the show won't have any idea of what christ did for them and what it actually means, and yet i manage to worry about which part i'll get. ugh. that's why i'm going straight to a christian school to study theatre instead of a theatre school followed by grad work in ministry...because i don't want to let myself get into it for the wrong reasons. from the very beginning i want it to be for christ...NOT me. theatre is such a selfish profession- only god can change that . it will be a daily struggle even after college i'm sure, but i wouldn't be happy/successful (maybe not by the world's standards but who caress?) doing anything else...it's what i was created for. and that's such an amazing feeling- to know why you're on this planet. it seems like every teenager wonders at some point or another "why are we here?...why am i here?" and let me just tell you- god made each of us to do a specific thing that only we can do...and if you ask him to help you find it and start working toward it, life takes on a whole meaning. but, obviously, that doesn't necessarily mean it gets easier- just easier to handle knowing that the god who made the whole universe is on your side. you don't have to go through it on your own. *sigh* i wish i could get this through my head. it's like, a minute by minute thing that goes back and forth. i just want to live for god- give him everything i have because it doesn't mean anything if i just try to use it for whatever i feel like. i want my drama to become about the people that god is reaching through it...not what part i get or how well i sing. i just want to leave myself behind and let god's amazing unconditional love shine through me to everyone around so they can spend forever and ever in the real heaven with their creator. haha...sure it's "hard" and "uncomfortable" at times, but who says serving god is comfortable? it's what comes from it later that is important- telling people the truth that god has shown you so that they can learn what you are learning. okay i guess i'm kind of starting to repeat myself, but this is how it goes through my head. i keep reminding myself of the joy i have when i'm doing drama for christ...it means so much more than any number of lead roles or dance sequences. well, there's my heart i guess. do with it what you want. but trust god with yours. he's the only one who knows how to take care of it.

**no more memories no more silent tears. no more gazing across the wasted years....**

we don't always have to understand

2005-01-02T03:57:00.000-05:00

well christmas break is gone. my last one in high school. rock on. but these next 6 months are going to be soooo long. everyone keeps assuming that hey i'm a senior- i'm almost done- it'll go so fast. not at the rate things are going now. if i keep up my losing streak (like physically losing possessions...in this case, homework) then this semester will be much longer than even i anticipated. and i keep realizing that a bunch of scholarship stuff probably should have been taken care of before break...and now it may be too late. darn letters of recommendation. who needs to be recommended for a scholarship? no just kidding, but my procrastination has really paid off...or not paid in this case. wow okay so enough with the bad puns. my philosophical thought of the day....boys. what's up with them? i just don't understand. but i guess they don't really understand us either. whoever tries to pull the whole 'we're created the same but society raises us differently and instills different values and expectations and ruins our true identity' crap needs to just go observe a guy and a girl together and read their thoughts. definitely different wavelengths going on or something. spaghetti vs. waffles hahaha. i think that of all the areas we struggle with in seeking god, the most prevalent and distorted one is that which concerns the opposite sex. i know i rambled on for way too long about that in an earlier entry but i just keep being reminded of it. and it's something that i struggle with....more of a "god what on earth are you doing??" but he's got it under control. we're here on the lower stage, he's up in the upper stage and he has all kinds of thing going on. so i'll just try to be patient and wait to see how everything fits together. but what really matters i guess is what you do in the meantime. sitting around and waiting for things to 'come together' will accomplish nothing for the kingdom of god and leave you pretty bored as well. but hey, time flies when you're...busy. well that's my version of the cliche but it's true. so now is the time to just get out there and ACCOMPLISH something. not like this break when the most ministry i did was arriving almost late for a service i was supposed to lead worship for. well i hope somebody was blessed by this weekend's music....i felt a little jipped because playing for all three services robs me of my own in-service worship time (believe me- it's not the worship time for the worship leaders when they're up on stage...they're there to lead you). i'll just have to make it up this week on my own :-) anyway...yeah, doing something. high school makes that so hard. i've realized that if i spent as much time each day reading my bible and hanging out with god as i did complaining/worrying about homework (not doing homework...time used for that is basically nonexistent), not only would i be much more relaxed (and actually do the homework rather than wigging out about it) but i would get so much more done (homework or otherwise). i would in essence have more time. or at least allow god to show me how to use it more wisely. it's like tithing....it doesn't quite make sense in our minds for us to give 10 percent of all the money we get to his awesome plan, in order to live better. wouldn't we live better on 100 percent than 90? but god doesn't think like we do, and he's the one who created this world and decided how it would work. so if he says, "yes- i know it sounds weird but trust me...give 10 percent of the money you get to my perfect plan of telling the world how much i love them, and you will live better on the 90 percent than you would ever have lived on the 100 percent!" now i don't have an income to speak of...maybe i'm a bad witness to all of this but whether it's physical money or not...if god promises you you're gonna live better, you'll live better! maybe it'll just be your job conditions. or (because anyone who's reading this (if anyone reads this...) probably isn't in the 'work force' yet, maybe it'll just be a clearer approach toward schooling, or finding christian friends that will love and support you. god's pretty creative (he made the world...that had to take some imagination) and he loves to bless us, so put those two things together and wham-o --cool blessings. and that's what it's all about. showing god how much you love him by trusting him with things you don't understand, and giving him all kinds of praise when he comes through and holds up to his promises (because you know he will). i don't know about you...but that's the kind of god i serve. so how i got here from complaining about the male race i have no idea, but hey, god works in mysterious ways *winkwink*. so, have a great week-- high schoolers going back to school and collegers with one more week of freedom. and if you have time, watch napoleon dynamite because it's hysterical (and if you're confused, don't worry- it's not supposed to have a plot).
oh and by the way...i still think boys are weird ;-)